To not go to the in-laws at Christmas

[Chai88]

I have just found out I’m unexpectedly pregnant. We already have two kids so this was not planned and I’m very anxious.

My MIL has nine grandchildren and with the last two kids, she did not seem happy when she found out they were on the way. She often feels she has too much responsibility and an expectation to babysit.

We generally don’t expect anything from her, but she’s often sassy with us too, despite there being weeks between each time she sees our kids.

She likes to host Christmas Day and we’ve been invited. I’m NOT ready to tell her about this pregnancy, due to me already being extremely anxious about it. I want to have the scan first, and I’ve already spoken to a nursery (need to be sorted extremely early where we live) so I want to have paid deposit for that first too. That way she’ll know we expect nothing from her.

Problem is, there’s no way to get through Christmas Day without her getting suspicious. She’ll expect me to drink a lot and she also serves foods that I can’t eat when pregnant.

I just can’t deal with her being sarcastic or nasty about this pregnancy, and she will get suspicious.

Would it be ok if I pretend I’m sick and don’t go? DH and the kids can still go.

How old are the kids and is your DH on side? If so and kids are small I’d pretend you all had flu and stay home tbh!

There is no way I would give up Christmas Day with my dc because of my mils attitude. Either we all go or we all don’t go

They’re 6 and 9. DH says it’s up to me and he agrees his mum probably won’t be happy when she finds out.

It’s so difficult, as if none of us go she’ll be angry too. So it’s about picking the lesser evil really.

I would say the important thing isn't whether or not MIL is angry, it's whether you have to listen to it or not. I'm with the PP who said all stay away. She can rage if she wants, you won't be able to hear her. And just deal with her like that more generally. If she's being horrible you get up and go. You don't need to take that shite from anyone!

You know that at some point you're really going to fall out with her.
Probably when one of the grandkids picks up on her nasty attitude and clues the younger ones in.
Better to all stay away now and let her rant and rave from a distance.
Congrats on the new baby. 👶🏻

@Chai88 just go and be open and honest. Say you’re pregnant, but it’s early days and you’re feeling very anxious. Then explain how crazy it is that you’ve already had to pay for a nursery place. Maybe make a joke about the number of grandchildren she has already. It’ll be much easier than trying to keep it a secret and you shouldn’t have to miss out on the day. Be prepared for her to be negative, but hope to be pleasantly surprised.

So let her be angry. You're giving her far too much power.

I’m another one who says let her be angry. If she does more childcare than she wants and none of it’s for you then she’s got no right to make her inability to say no to her other children your problem.

Do you think buying birthday and Christmas presents for all those GC might also be a problem? Perhaps your DH could check and reassure her that she mustn’t feel obligated to buy for your children

Thanks for your replies, it’s very helpful.

I do give her a lot of power (when I see her, which is not often). I spoke up to her five years ago and it’s one of my biggest regrets. She cannot admit fault and she’s held that against me since.

One of our kids told her that I feel she doesn’t like me. Following that she rang me and said “it’s not that I don’t like you, but we’ve had our ups and downs and I haven’t had that with any of my other kids’ spouses” - clearly referring to that one time I spoke up to her.

So yeah I tend to stay home when DH takes the kids round to her, but Christmas is obviously different.

As she was also unhappy about being pregnant with her last, she may surprise you and actually be sympathetic. If not, just ignore her. You can't control other adults behaviour. If you don't feel like going just all stay home and have a lovely little Christmas by yourselves and tell her you will visit boxing day.

You and your DH need to stop letting this nasty woman control you.

Without this pregnancy, would you be looking forward to having Christmas there, or dreading it?

Cancel going, have Christmas at home with your kids, make your DH tell his mother that she’s nasty to you and that is why none of you are going. Yes, she will kick off, but she’s going to kick off about something anyway this Christmas isn’t she?

She sounds like a bitch.

I wouldn’t want to spend time with her full stop.

If you really want to go but can’t face telling her then just say your on antibiotics/meds and you can’t drink. In your circumstances I’d sooner stay at home to be honest but I understand why that could be difficult too. Assuming the pregnancy progresses as planned she’ll likely figure it out in a few weeks anyway as she say oh that’s why you didn’t come/didn’t drink at Christmas and you’ll have the perfect opportunity to say well we didn’t tell you as we knew you’d be upset.

God she sounds awful. Tough if she doesn't like you having another baby, it's got sod all to do with her if she has nothing to do with your DCs already ie baby sitting, school pick ups!

I'd be staying at home WITH my DCs...DH can do as he pleases...

Your dh needs to be telling her to stop if she is being rude. She behaves that way because she can.

Don’t go , why would you want to spend Christmas with someone like that. All you will end up doing is giving the kids a negative memory of their childhood Christmas’s .
And I would suggest keep her further than arm’s length when the baby is here too

Congratulations!! She sounds really difficult. Really though, surely you want to see your kids on Christmas Day? Can’t you just ignore her if she’s acting weird? If anything it’ll really show your own kids that MIL isn’t very nice and that’s why you don’t like spending time with her!

I would play it one of two ways. If it's just part of Christmas Day, and I thought I could get through it with no sickness, then I'd feign that I'd had an infection and I'm on antibiotics and can't drink/have a reduced appetite as a result.

Alternatively, make the decision now that you have a nice family Christmas at home. Again, plead sickness as a reason to not go as you don't want to risk any of you having it/spreading it around. If she's angry thinking you're sick then it says all you need to know about her.

One last thing, if she has nine grandchildren, then I'll assume she has at least three DC of her own (unless your DH sibling has 7 kids). Therefore she is in no position to be commenting on how many DC you have. Maybe your DH should point out to her that if she'd controlled her own family size, there would be fewer GC as a result.

Great point! OP should proudly tell her about her pregnancy and say “I’ll have as many kids as you soon!” 😂

Will you be staying the night there or driving home? I wouldn't use the antibiotics line, if you do go and decided not to tell, it makes it more obvious. just hold a glasss but don't drink it/swap with dh. If you are going home, then you be the driver?

perhaps tell her (get DH to tell her) before? so there's no fallout on actual Christmas Day

It's horrible that she's made you feel like this, and it would be sad to miss Christmas with your family.

So tell her before and see her once before and get it over with. Not ideal but won’t ruin Christmas either. If she’s going to do it whatever just get it done. And then maybe you and your husband (with your strong backbone in tow) could tell her I don’t appreciate her comments.

Get your son to go and tell her in advance of christmas day and that baby will be going to nursery. He needs to stand up to her if she is negative, not you.

I could never not have Xmas with my kids as I was scared of my mil. Go, just tell her in advance and get it over with.

I don’t understand why you ever planned to spend Christmas with this bitch?

I think you either tell her, let her be nasty, and then she has given you a reason not to go (or see her ever again). Or if you really can’t face that, the whole family has strategic flu.

You do need to stand up to her though. Why do you give a shit if she’s angry? You can just block her.