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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the in-laws at Christmas

92 replies

Chai88 · 16/12/2025 05:13

I have just found out I’m unexpectedly pregnant. We already have two kids so this was not planned and I’m very anxious.

My MIL has nine grandchildren and with the last two kids, she did not seem happy when she found out they were on the way. She often feels she has too much responsibility and an expectation to babysit.

We generally don’t expect anything from her, but she’s often sassy with us too, despite there being weeks between each time she sees our kids.

She likes to host Christmas Day and we’ve been invited. I’m NOT ready to tell her about this pregnancy, due to me already being extremely anxious about it. I want to have the scan first, and I’ve already spoken to a nursery (need to be sorted extremely early where we live) so I want to have paid deposit for that first too. That way she’ll know we expect nothing from her.

Problem is, there’s no way to get through Christmas Day without her getting suspicious. She’ll expect me to drink a lot and she also serves foods that I can’t eat when pregnant.

I just can’t deal with her being sarcastic or nasty about this pregnancy, and she will get suspicious.

Would it be ok if I pretend I’m sick and don’t go? DH and the kids can still go.

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 16/12/2025 11:07

Chai88 · 16/12/2025 05:26

It’s so difficult, as if none of us go she’ll be angry too. So it’s about picking the lesser evil really.

Show quote history

You need to go I do not care whether that witch is angry, I care about the best day for us.
and it sounds like that’s not going.you or the dc, as I want Christmas with my dc, so none of us would be going.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/12/2025 11:36

Problem is, she has probably already incurred the cost of ordering all the food so for the entire family to bail at this late stage with little explanation is going to feel pretty off.

In your shoes, I'd send DH off to have a word with her. You are pregnant, it's very early days. Her behaviour with [presume other DD's/SIL's] was noted and he doesn't want a) a single comment made about what you eat or don't eat on the day and b) a sniff of an atmosphere.
If she can't manage that then the 4 of you will stay at home. For obvious reasons, she is under no circumstances to mention this to anyone.
If you think he can deliver this in the right tone and with a firm spine, that's what I'd do.

If not, then bail. It will look as rude as hell but all will become apparent.

Iziz · 16/12/2025 18:38

Your husband should say something before you do she can’t be nasty about you having a child it’s so bizzare you are giving her too much power say clearly we do not expect anything from you it’s our lives be happy or not just keep it to yourself and congrats by the way .

myhaggisblewup · 16/12/2025 18:39

Why would you lie about being ill you're an adult not a child right? It's just having control to her yet again complete waste of time.
I wouldn't go and would expect h to back me up, it's only his m, she doesn't get to dictate to you or anyone else what they can can't do. The baby will arrive and she'll count the dates back to christmas 2025 and accuse you or lying about illness and all the rest of the shite.
Personally I would cut all contact with her. H can take the kids but there is no way I'd ever see her again.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/12/2025 18:40

Chai88 · 16/12/2025 05:26

It’s so difficult, as if none of us go she’ll be angry too. So it’s about picking the lesser evil really.

Show quote history

The lesser of two evils is where you don't have to be in MIL's company. So you all stay at home.

myhaggisblewup · 16/12/2025 18:43

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/12/2025 11:36

Problem is, she has probably already incurred the cost of ordering all the food so for the entire family to bail at this late stage with little explanation is going to feel pretty off.

In your shoes, I'd send DH off to have a word with her. You are pregnant, it's very early days. Her behaviour with [presume other DD's/SIL's] was noted and he doesn't want a) a single comment made about what you eat or don't eat on the day and b) a sniff of an atmosphere.
If she can't manage that then the 4 of you will stay at home. For obvious reasons, she is under no circumstances to mention this to anyone.
If you think he can deliver this in the right tone and with a firm spine, that's what I'd do.

If not, then bail. It will look as rude as hell but all will become apparent.

Ordering food costs? Why would thar be OP's problem? I expect mil has pissed off other family members and may be some of them will have the sense and not go either.
Upsetting mil because of food wouldn't concern me personally, she shouldn't be such a bitch to her family in the first place. But then I would have told her to go fuck herself with a cactus years prior, because I'm not a nice person around twats.

gogomomo2 · 16/12/2025 18:44

Can’t you be driving? No need to drink then. What foods can’t you eat? Surely there will be a selection of cheese not just unpasteurised Camembert?

envbeckyc · 16/12/2025 18:46

Tell her you had a sore throat, visited Pharmacy 1st at your local chemist, and was prescribed antibiotics.

That should cover for the avoidance of alcohol and dairy and any early pregnancy symptoms you might experience on Christmas Day!

Blablibladirladada · 16/12/2025 18:49

Gosh.

first of all congrats!!!

let her be suspicious. Say that you have a bad tumy which would save you from any food you try to escape AND red wine… that you will only drink k water as the rest makes you want to puke.

tell your news when you are away and you can put the phone down!

Zanatdy · 16/12/2025 18:50

Stop going there for Christmas for a start. Why does she have all this control that you’d rather give up Christmas day with your young DC than stand up to her? If you’re not expecting anything from her then ignore any comments. My mum made a nasty comment about my pregnancy with DC3 even though I live 250 miles away and she wasn’t expected to do anything. Take back control and tell your DH to tell her you’ve decided to have Christmas just the 4 of you this year. Or tell her Christmas day and when she kicks off, it’s your excuse to never have to go over on Christmas day ever again!

Cat1504 · 16/12/2025 18:52

noidea69 · 16/12/2025 10:22

Concept of a grandparent being unhappy about another grandchild is wild to me.

My Nan used to say.. ‘babies are never bad news’

LittleBitofBread · 16/12/2025 19:00

Chai88 · 16/12/2025 05:24

They’re 6 and 9. DH says it’s up to me and he agrees his mum probably won’t be happy when she finds out.

Show quote history

Your DH is missing the point. He needs to tell his mother to pack in being sarcastic and angry with you.

Judecb · 16/12/2025 19:01

You need to put your kids first. They will want to be with their mum on Christmas Day. Don't let your MIL ruin this. Tell her a couple of days before that you've tested positive for covid and it's therefore likely you'll all have it.

Joloman74 · 16/12/2025 19:13

What kind of person would resent and moan and complain about having so many grandchildren? Im positive that wouldnt be a loving and caring person! I would stay well away from her. Nobody needs to be around a person like that ! Pregnancy and a new baby should be something to celebrate an̈d look forward to. Also, if you dont rely on her to look after your children like the others then she shouldnt be moaning and complaining at you. Id tell her that your all unwell with the flu and have a nice christmas at home. Im sure she wont be lonely with such a large family!

sprigatito · 16/12/2025 19:18

Judecb · 16/12/2025 19:01

You need to put your kids first. They will want to be with their mum on Christmas Day. Don't let your MIL ruin this. Tell her a couple of days before that you've tested positive for covid and it's therefore likely you'll all have it.

I agree. If there was ever a time to invoke Covid, this is it. You have to do whatever is best for you to get through Christmas without unnecessary stress; don’t feel guilty about that. It’s not your fault she is rude and irrational about her grandchildren.

Wowthatwasabigstep · 16/12/2025 19:32

Goodness me what a nasty woman she is.

Personally I would stay at home with DH and children and have a fabulous Christmas just the 4 of you and think that next year there will be 5 of you and the landscape will look different, in a lovely way.

Congratulations and best wishes with the pregnancy.

NavyTurtle · 16/12/2025 20:18

Chai88 · 16/12/2025 05:13

I have just found out I’m unexpectedly pregnant. We already have two kids so this was not planned and I’m very anxious.

My MIL has nine grandchildren and with the last two kids, she did not seem happy when she found out they were on the way. She often feels she has too much responsibility and an expectation to babysit.

We generally don’t expect anything from her, but she’s often sassy with us too, despite there being weeks between each time she sees our kids.

She likes to host Christmas Day and we’ve been invited. I’m NOT ready to tell her about this pregnancy, due to me already being extremely anxious about it. I want to have the scan first, and I’ve already spoken to a nursery (need to be sorted extremely early where we live) so I want to have paid deposit for that first too. That way she’ll know we expect nothing from her.

Problem is, there’s no way to get through Christmas Day without her getting suspicious. She’ll expect me to drink a lot and she also serves foods that I can’t eat when pregnant.

I just can’t deal with her being sarcastic or nasty about this pregnancy, and she will get suspicious.

Would it be ok if I pretend I’m sick and don’t go? DH and the kids can still go.

Say you are on antibiotics for an ear infection and can't drink x

Bernardo1 · 16/12/2025 20:20

Don't go, it's clear you're not compatible. You can just tell her that, then she can learn about the pregnancy at your convenience.

MrsJeanLuc · 16/12/2025 20:24

Chai88 · 16/12/2025 10:20

Yes it’s very unfortunate the kids heard that. It was literally a case of me saying to DH ‘I don’t think your mum likes me’ and the kids happened to hear it and went straight to mil with the info. Definitely not something I normally say around them.

Show quote history

Erm, I'd be having a conversation with my child about the appropriateness of repeating private family information to other people - at 6 and 9 they're old enough to know better.

And fwiw I agree with other posters - let her be angry. So what? Grey rock it.

Cornishclio · 16/12/2025 20:26

There is no way I would spend Christmas alone and apart from DH and DC simply to avoid MIL and her somehow guessing you are pregnant. You do not have to tell her. Just don’t drink or eat the stuff that upsets you. Can you drive and tell her that is why you aren’t drinking?

Alternatively stay home and ask DH to cancel with his mum if you don’t feel up to it. You are giving her too much power though. So what if she is unhappy about another grandchild. None of her business. Just ignore her being sassy. Don’t ask her to babysit though.

Itiswhysofew · 16/12/2025 20:33

Can't your DH just tell her you're staying in your own home this Christmas?

Applespearsandpeaches · 16/12/2025 20:43

Itiswhysofew · 16/12/2025 20:33

Can't your DH just tell her you're staying in your own home this Christmas?

Nine days before Christmas is pretty late to suddenly decide a whole family of four is no longer coming to Christmas without giving a better reason than “because we feel like it”.

DingDongDenny · 16/12/2025 20:48

I agree with DH letting her know in advance and then going by her reaction. If she is pissy about it, then none of you should go. If she promises to be nice, then you all go

No way should you be on your own at Christmas to appease her, when she isn't even nice to you. Unless you fancy a bit of me-time of course

Daygloboo · 16/12/2025 21:10

Chai88 · 16/12/2025 05:13

I have just found out I’m unexpectedly pregnant. We already have two kids so this was not planned and I’m very anxious.

My MIL has nine grandchildren and with the last two kids, she did not seem happy when she found out they were on the way. She often feels she has too much responsibility and an expectation to babysit.

We generally don’t expect anything from her, but she’s often sassy with us too, despite there being weeks between each time she sees our kids.

She likes to host Christmas Day and we’ve been invited. I’m NOT ready to tell her about this pregnancy, due to me already being extremely anxious about it. I want to have the scan first, and I’ve already spoken to a nursery (need to be sorted extremely early where we live) so I want to have paid deposit for that first too. That way she’ll know we expect nothing from her.

Problem is, there’s no way to get through Christmas Day without her getting suspicious. She’ll expect me to drink a lot and she also serves foods that I can’t eat when pregnant.

I just can’t deal with her being sarcastic or nasty about this pregnancy, and she will get suspicious.

Would it be ok if I pretend I’m sick and don’t go? DH and the kids can still go.

Your pregnancy has got nothing to do with your MIL. If she is nasty, I think you should get up and leave, telling her ' how dare you judge what is going on in my body'. Take the kids with you.

Sugargliderwombat · 16/12/2025 21:19

I don't need to read any other posts. You're free to say no even if you just don't want to.

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