To not go to the in-laws at Christmas

[Chai88]

I have just found out I’m unexpectedly pregnant. We already have two kids so this was not planned and I’m very anxious.

My MIL has nine grandchildren and with the last two kids, she did not seem happy when she found out they were on the way. She often feels she has too much responsibility and an expectation to babysit.

We generally don’t expect anything from her, but she’s often sassy with us too, despite there being weeks between each time she sees our kids.

She likes to host Christmas Day and we’ve been invited. I’m NOT ready to tell her about this pregnancy, due to me already being extremely anxious about it. I want to have the scan first, and I’ve already spoken to a nursery (need to be sorted extremely early where we live) so I want to have paid deposit for that first too. That way she’ll know we expect nothing from her.

Problem is, there’s no way to get through Christmas Day without her getting suspicious. She’ll expect me to drink a lot and she also serves foods that I can’t eat when pregnant.

I just can’t deal with her being sarcastic or nasty about this pregnancy, and she will get suspicious.

Would it be ok if I pretend I’m sick and don’t go? DH and the kids can still go.

Your DH should tell her in advance and also ask her to refrain from telling anyone. He can say that neither of you want people to know until after your scan etc. so please don’t highlight any behaviours that would signpost the pregnancy to others.

One of our kids told her that I feel she doesn’t like me.

Your young kids should not even be party to that info. How much time do you spend discussing, angsting, reacting to all this?

Just tell her, before Christmas. Tell her now. And have your DH be upfront but not hostile “Come on Mum, whatever you think here, your job is to be nice so can we keep that sort of comment down and enjoy Christmas “ “Mum, you won’t need to babysit unless you really want to. We have childcare covered” “Yep you have concerns or whatever. We are grown ups, it’s our job to manage, we are happy so that’s that”. “We had this conversation, nothing more to say”.

Do it before Christmas. Now. Because then your DH can say to her “Mum it isn’t relaxing or enjoyable for us to listen to this so we’ll stay home”. But he has to lead. It’s his Mum.

She sounds like a nasty bully.
I think you should all stay home but do whatever feels best for you.
I wouldn't be asking her for anything ever, or telling her anything either.

1. Wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy.
2. You poor, poor thing - she sounds awful.

Here’s what I’d do in your shoes:

Feign illness. Your husband and kids go - but for a shortened time.

Have a really good think about how you want your family of five to spend Christmas 2026 and subsequent Christmases. Is it time to move the centre of gravity to you and your children and have a MIL-free Christmas Day from now on, if she’s a cow? In which case, your husband needs to deliver that news in about August so she’s got bags of time to get her head round it.

1. Wish you a safe and healthy pregnancy.
2. You poor, poor thing - she sounds awful.

Here’s what I’d do in your shoes:

Feign illness. Your husband and kids go - but for a shortened time.

Have a really good think about how you want your family of five to spend Christmas 2026 and subsequent Christmases. Is it time to move the centre of gravity to you and your children and have a MIL-free Christmas Day from now on, if she’s a cow? In which case, your husband needs to deliver that news in about August so she’s got bags of time to get her head round it.

Well if she's going to be angry regardless, just do what you want to do! Come down with norovirus, there's no way she'll want you puking on her. Just keep your Christmas day off any social media etc...

Definitely fake illness, you’ve been out with your friends and had too much wine and a dodgy kebab. Make sure to have a bottle of Pepto Bismol on show.

I wouldn't spend Christmas apart from my kids. I'd either tell her youre recovering from an illness or on medication so you can't drink.

Or tell her about the pregnancy first.get your husband to talk to her and tell her no comments, no judgement, and if she can't stick to that then none of you will go.

I can't believe you've all arranged to go to someone for Christmas who is so openly hostile and judgemental to you though, to the point where your very young kids have noticed!

Sounds like you'd all have a better day staying home. MIL will have a house full, so it's not like she'll be spending the day alone. Would your DH back out of going, say you're all feeling a bit ill and don't want to pass it on?

All you need to do is say you have an infection eg. UTI or ear infection, something invisible, and that you can’t drink on the antibiotics. That’s it. Nothing else required.

Yes it’s very unfortunate the kids heard that. It was literally a case of me saying to DH ‘I don’t think your mum likes me’ and the kids happened to hear it and went straight to mil with the info. Definitely not something I normally say around them.

Concept of a grandparent being unhappy about another grandchild is wild to me.

So let her be angry. What can she do, other than make an arse of herself? You dopn't rely on her for anything thats he can withhold to punish you, and you don't need her support or approval.

I wouldn't be letting her find out/figure it on on Christmas Day though. Let your DH tell her the happy news and leave her rage to simmer itself out so that it's not all playing out on Christmas Day.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into this but sounds like you will spend all day on eggshells around her. Why put yourself through this at all? It's perfectly legitimate to just say 'No, sorry MIL, we want a small family Christmas at home this year so we'll see you on Boxing Day (or whenever) instead'.

Yes this, I remember putting a very vague status on FB in aug/sept about 8 years ago, knowing full well MIL would read it!
It did the job and we haven't spent Xmas with the inlaws since!
I tagged DH and said how much I was already looking forward to Xmas day at home with foot long pigs in blankets, lots of prosecco and games with the DC!
MIL got sniffy, SIL was apoplectic that I'd beat her to it as that was her plan too!!
We laugh about it now, but our xmases have been much happier without a 3 hour drive, squashed into a too small dining room with people who really don't want to be there....

Your biggest problem is not your MIL its your DH - its his mother, tell him to tell her you are staying home this year. You are your own family now.

Stand up to her

I'd absolutely let DH go with the children. You'll have a baby this time next year. Make the most of getting a bit of quiet time to yourself. Make sure you do something nice. Nice food. Long bath. Relax.

Give it to yourself as a private gift! Metaphorical middle finger to MIL.

If you don't want to share info with her the easiest excuses is. " Ive picked up an ( ear is my favourite because you can pretend to be a bit deaf - ignore her) infection and cant drink with the antibiotics ."
Also you might have to go home early to have a bit of a lie down, or feel a bit dizzy, balance seems to be going ! Bloody ears eh 🙄

No. Absolute 💯 take back your power in this scenario.

Start your own tradition with your own family, that you do it at home. And LET HER feel whatever emotions she wants too. You have no control of how she feels, youre not responsible for her emotions, you dont have to ensure she is happy.

If she rages, dont try and justify yourself.

"we are staying home this year"
"have a lovely time"

Stop apologising, stop jumping to her beating drum. You're a grown adult, with your own family now. Stop ✋️

There is no way I would miss out on Christmas Day with my children because of a controlling, bitter MIL.

It sounds like if you tell her about the pregnancy beforehand she will ruin your Christmas Day by complaining about it, and you will end up anxious and pressured to eat things you can’t (I find it weird that she will expect/pressure you to drink alcohol even if you were not pregnant) if you don’t tell her. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. She sounds like the sort of person who likes the idea of family but not the realities. That’s not somebody I would choose to spend Christmas Day with.

If you don’t go I think you all should not go. Don’t hand over power of your family unit to her. They are your young children to enjoy Christmas with, not hers.

She sounds awful, and I would let your DH deal with her wrath when he tells her none of you are coming due to ‘insert excuse’. Don’t give her a second thought, she’s not your mum and you should not sacrifice your day for her

Say sorry MIL we won't be coming this year. Due to my morning sickness. She can have a double rage and you won't hear it

Sounds like you (and your DH) have been a doormat for far too long.

When you have your own family, Christmas is for making your own traditions which IMO means staying at home where amongst other things, the children can play with their new toys.
Visit on Boxing Day or have parents over to you but no way would I be going out year after year.

I wouldn’t spend Christmas Day with someone who would be visibly unhappy that I was pregnant, mostly because that suggests they don’t know how to behave in public in other situations too. I’d just stay at home all of you together.

You know OP, this tiptoeing round "how MIL might or might not feel" is one of the reasons my exMIL is an ex. Every year it was the same with exH anxiously obsessing over his mother's potential reaction to every possible scenario. Would she take offence? How would she react if x happened? How would she make him feel?

Fuck that. No one ever gave that much headspace about how I might feel including him. It's an ego thing.

Tell him to grow a pair. What is it with grown men and their mothers at Christmas? And the rest of us are expected to fall into line! The reason they behave so badly is because their family let them get away with it