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Original poster

Daughter, gender queer, new name, brain dump

95 replies

Allaboutthechild · 15/12/2025 23:34

First off - my daughter is fine with "she/her".

15yr old daughter.

I wrote a load of text but in summary, she said she was trans 2 years ago, now she is non-binary/gender query apparently. I've been "that's nice dear"-ing for years and biting my tongue, reassuring her that I love her and support her etc. Whilst screaming in my head.

She had friends who supported her when she said she was trans but they dont believe in non-binary (!?) so she is feeling unsupported. I said something this morning about trousers and she took it completely the wrong way. And it all came tumbling out about the hard time she's having.

She has always hated her (perfectly normal) name. She changed school in September. At her previous one she went by a made up name for 3 years. When she started at this school she went by her real name but now wants to change it. She is putting more thought into it this time. I'd rather she didn't change it. Not least because it will reinforce this gender stuff. But it's her name so it's her decision. Because of her age, I think it needs to be a serious decision this time. I also think it might stick.

She has asked me to help her chose a name (which I will admit was really flattering). She wanted a very masculine name so I suggested maybe a gender neutral name or a female name that could be shortened to a male name. She liked this idea.

So I've bought her a "gender neutral" baby name book for Christmas. My husband (her Dad) doesnt approve. He thinks I'm interfering and trying to influence her and encouraging it.

He has no opinion on the trans debate but thinks I'm a bigot and refuses to talk about it.

My daughter isnt stupid and will know I'm not completely on board with the gender stuff. But hopefully she does know I love her and I think helping her with a name will show her I support her.

Besides, she writes and is always asking for name ideas so if nothing else the book will help with that.

I dont think that giving her a name book is a bad thing or will make her think she's a boy more than she already does?

She's very private so I also think this might be a way of helping her to open up?

OP posts:
mygrandchildrenrock · 15/12/2025 23:40

Why would you be unreasonable to support your child? You wouldn’t be!
You sound like you are trying hard to understand your daughter and show her that you love her.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 15/12/2025 23:47

It's important your child feels supported and her changing her name is harmless IMO.

I have two relatives who did the same as your DD, another older relative wouldn't use their new name and it cause huge rifts in their relationship.

CactusSammy · 15/12/2025 23:52

I think you sound like a really supportive, caring mum.

I would probably just give her the book though, instead of saving it as a Christmas present.

203percent · 15/12/2025 23:52

Gosh, I feel for you.

You're trying to negotiate a lot and it sounds like YOU are the one who's unsupported.

Why is your DH claiming you're a bigot, yet he also doesnt support your daughter's choices? It's easy to criticise when he's doing nothing to help.

I think I'd see your daughter becoming non binary after previously saying she's trans as a step back towards reality.

She wants a nickname - fine. I think you've negotiated a good compromise with the neutral name and if this is an olive branch between you, that helps you stay close, understand her thoughts more, and getting ves you opportunity to gently challenge some of the external influences, why wouldn't you help her?

Incelebration · 15/12/2025 23:59

He has no opinion on the trans debate but thinks I'm a bigot and refuses to talk about it.

This doesn't make sense.

Radionowhere · 16/12/2025 00:05

Your husband's only contribution has been to call you a bigot?? Wow..

letsallchant · 16/12/2025 00:14

Husband sounds completely unhelpful at best. Names can change. I agree that, hopefully, she will see this as you trying to support her if not the whole backdrop of beliefs. I would keep telling her you love her and how nothing will ever change that, too.

2021x · 16/12/2025 00:39

She is 15. She is trying on lots of different names and trying to find an identity. Though I think she should do this on her own, and then tell you what she wants to be called.

Original poster
Allaboutthechild · 16/12/2025 08:37

Thank you for the reassurance.

He thinks I'm a bigot because I'm gender critical. I try to hide that around my daughter but she will know I'm not completely on board with it.

Saying she is now gender queer is a HUGE step and I was a little relieved once she explained what it meant for her.

The book wont arrive for a few days and she doesnt have much to open. Plus we had the chat yesterday so now I need to wait for her to mention it. If I bring it up too soon she'll run away and hide. Giving it amongst her presents takes the expectation off her to talk about it there and then.

She is extremely sensitive about it all which is why she flew off the handle at my (innocent!) comment about trousers.

Trying to keep her (reluctantly) talking about an ideology I can't believe whilst showing complete support but at the same time giving her a giving her room to save face if she changes her mind is so hard!

OP posts:
Fends · 16/12/2025 08:48

Nah, I wouldn’t be giving her the book. If she flies off the handle about trousers then her thinking you’re implying she’s a baby to be renamed won’t go down well! On Christmas Day, I really wouldn’t

StabbyCat · 16/12/2025 08:51

I wouldn’t engage with it at all beyond calling her whatever name she ends up choosing. I suspect it’ll end up being Storm or Neo or Phoenix or some other sort of ridiculousness so brace yourself.

lifeturnsonadime · 16/12/2025 08:53

I'm a bit confused OP. So she says she's gender queer but is fine with she/ her pronouns.

So what does gender queer mean to her? Is it just that she wants a different name?

damemaggiescurledupperlip · 16/12/2025 08:59

She’s desperate to reinvent herself. Is she generally happy? Have friends?

because if she thinks that changing her name will
magically make everything in her life ok, she’s in for more trouble - because it won’t, and then she’ll be under pressure to go ‘ just one more step’ to let the ‘magic’ begin. And it still won’t, but who knows what else she’ll do to her body in the meantime, thinking the solution lies that way ?

could you get her some counselling?

DallazMajor · 16/12/2025 09:04

She sounds very confused.

What are her reasons behind all these thoughts and decisions.

Poppingby · 16/12/2025 09:15

I think your approach sounds perfect tbh. I personally would not use the book for Christmas just because it could be a useful prop to start more conversations about this and talk through the names together.

I don't really understand your dd's gender identity either but I know what I think about gender and that is that if we weren't so insistent that gender dictated our behaviours it would be a lot less confusing when people didn't feel like they fit into one or the other, because who does? So if she wants to sit somewhere between that sounds sensible to me. And talking about names seems like a really good way to talk about the details of what she's feeling.

Saisong · 16/12/2025 09:29

Sounds like a difficult path to travel and you are negotiating it really well. Your daughter stepping back a bit is a really good sign. I like your idea of a name book as a way of showing support, but i wouldn't give it for Xmas - that actually feels more perfomatory. I would just leave it somewhere obvious in her room for her to find and explore. Don't mention it until she does. Its small unsaid gestures like that which don't require lots of declaration (i.e. mentally overwhelming) that will mean so much in her journey.

ElfieOnTheShelfie · 16/12/2025 09:39

I agree with everything except the baby name book, my dd would say that’s cringey and weird.

I think it’s worth having a chat with by your dd about gender fluidity - if she’s developed from a “trans” to “gender queer” identity in just a few years, where will she be aged 18 or 24 or even 30? It’s well known that brains aren’t fully mature until we are about 30, and life experience will help her understand her own sexuality.

I would ask her to shortlist names and then have some in mind you can chuck into her list, rather than sitting down and making it a formal renaming!

I also think it’s worth tackling the anxiety about what her friends believe and don’t believe. People have many and varied beliefs and they can still be friends. Some beliefs get in the way of friendships. Maybe your dd just needs to stop talking about it so much - is she going around preciously advertising her identity/label? She should take time to just “be” and not get so hung up on the labelling.

InlandTaipan · 16/12/2025 09:51

I think trying to help your daughter rewrite her past is deeply unhealthy. Whoever she is (or thinks she may be now) "old name" is who she was. For whatever reason (and its not because she was born in the wrong body), she has trouble accepting herself as she is. Supporting her to work through that is better than helping her try and run away from herself.

Run30 · 16/12/2025 09:52

Gosh, this all sounds so self-absorbed.
Does she play sports, volunteer etc?

Dollymylove · 16/12/2025 09:54

How about smiling benign, deploying the parental eye roll and saying yes dear.
Give it 6 months and it will be something else

Ill get my coat .....😉

bigsoftcocks · 16/12/2025 09:56

Agree on not giving the name book at Xmas. It’s a bit loaded and others might see her open it and make fun or want an explanation. If you really so want to give it so her then do it privately maybe after Xmas gift opening.

you sound amazing btw- I’d hope to be as supportive as you in your shoes

Excited101 · 16/12/2025 09:57

I think it’s a lovely idea to give the book but I’d just give it, not wait or make it a Christmas present.

NormasArse · 16/12/2025 10:03

Poppingby · 16/12/2025 09:15

I think your approach sounds perfect tbh. I personally would not use the book for Christmas just because it could be a useful prop to start more conversations about this and talk through the names together.

I don't really understand your dd's gender identity either but I know what I think about gender and that is that if we weren't so insistent that gender dictated our behaviours it would be a lot less confusing when people didn't feel like they fit into one or the other, because who does? So if she wants to sit somewhere between that sounds sensible to me. And talking about names seems like a really good way to talk about the details of what she's feeling.

I agree. We’re putting people into boxes society has made, rather than nature!

MinnieCauldwell · 16/12/2025 10:04

Is your daughter maybe gay and struggling, claiming to be gender queer maybe her way of saying it?

ProfMummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 16/12/2025 10:22

If she is ok with she/her and has changed her mind on being trans this could be her backing away from the whole thing, but she wants to do it in a way that saves face.

She wants to slip away from it quietly and without it being focused on, because it draws attention to her and the spell of "trans" she fell under and now feels like an idiot. Hence the flying off the handle, and why you feel giving her the book at Christmas, where it gets slid in with the presents and not a thing on it's own isn't going to upset her.

You are offering out that golden bridge which I think is a good thing. If she's determined to the name change, gender neutral or something female but with a neutral shortening, like Alex or Sam, definitely. Or you might find that goes by the wayside too.

I'm not sure about giving her a book is right though. You want to show your support, but it's an object that focuses the whole issue again which seems to trigger her and you could just as easily look up names online.

At 15, there's a whole raft of stuff going on. Hormones, figuring out who you are, peer pressure, unwanted male attention, body issues etc. Throw in that whole gender madness of "I'm not feminine so I'm not really a girl - yes I'm female but I'm not like other girls - I want to be interesting and cool not boring and 'cis' so therefore I'm queer - I just want to be left alone/why aren't you paying attention to me?!" and you've got yourself a minefield.

Sod your husband though, thinks you are influencing her with name changes, but still thinks you're a bigot? Worse than useless!

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