Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

she made it clear what she wanted from a relationship, he decided he didn’t want that but would offer her something inferior to what she wanted and expect after 3 years and him being in his 30s, “boyfriend and girlfriend” would be enough.

Hopefully he’ll learn from this.

Given their respective ages and the length of the relationship it sounds like he was future faking her and now the game is up. As for warning her that ‘there aren’t many good ones about’, that’s a cheek on so many levels I don’t know where to begin.

@99bottlesofkombucha I really jsut posted to remind others that shuggles frequently has a very misogynistic take, where women should know their place.

Rubbish.

Why didn't he want to marry her? Or if he did, why did he fob her off? If I were her I'd not be impressed with his sudden U turn either. Because not wanting to marry doesn't change overnight into a sincere desire to be married. And wanting to marry but fobbing your partner off instead of giving a timescale sounds like power games.

Of course you must text her. If she doesn’t give you the reply you want go and put a brick through her window. HTH

Why isn't he ready for a lifelong commitment with someone he loves sooooooo much? If he actually loved her that much he would have pulled out the stops to make sure he kept her ie married her. Your DH is right. He doesn't deserve sympathy and it is a situation entirely of his own making.

He wasn’t ready, she is, so she’s moved on.

Why do you feel that this woman was meant to wait around for your son to make his mind up? And why do you feel that she’s now meant to accept his grudging proposal?

When would the right time have been? Soon after xmas? but that's just before the new year. 13th Jan? but that's not long after they had a lovely xmas and new year together. Then its Valentine's day. Mum's birthday. Uncle Kev's funeral. A wedding anniversary. And before long its Xmas again. There was never going to be the right time.

Team Her here.

Good for that lass standing by her beliefs. Wish more women would go and cut men loose that see them as a cert.

OP @OneGreenPoster your son isn’t so young anymore and met a girl he’s comfortable living with. Talk about getting the cow for free!

Either he grows up and proposes now or starts all-over again at 30. Once you live with a woman you pretty much know whether you can envisage a life together or not. Your son is a taker and he’s taken advantage or the girl without giving her anything in return. At her age I had a child. Good for her for pulling the emergency stop and not letting your son take her for a ride. Whether intentionally or not 👏👏👏

It sounds like she saw something in your son which has ultimately put her off taking the relationship any further. At that age and after 3 years together he should have been biting her hand off to get married and take the next step, instead he dismissed her needs to have a time frame (as most women do given our fertility window) as "silly". Lots of guys need a push to make a commitment, I know several women who dumped their boyfriends to scare some sense into them but at 27 she'll have a lot of guys interested in her and so it looks like he might have missed his chance there.

Your DH is right OP.

She'll be married by 30 with children by 35 - but not to your son.

Your son will learn from this and won't make the same mistake again.

Have you asked why he didn't feel the time was right when she mentioned it a few months ago? What was he waiting for? What did he need to happen for 'the time to be right'?

Maybe deep down he knows she isn't the right one.

Well maybe he shouldn't have been so flippant about ‘silly’ timelines! Was she meant to just wait until he decides it’s not silly anymore, especially when she has absolutely no idea how long that might be.

@OneGreenPoster hilarous re dad blaming him and mummy worried about her darling.

I say good on her, she knows her own mind and won't wait any longer. Three years is a long time people stay engaged for years after all!

@Thatsalineallright How old are you?

Late 30s.

I ask because it's normal enough if you start dating someone at, say, 20 to wait 7 years before marrying. But if over 25 I'd think it's much more normal to only date a few years before marrying.

If I was to start dating someone today, I would definitely be looking to wait at least 7 - 10 years before marriage. 3 years seems extremely rushed to me.

Why wait? If at 30 and after dating for 3 years you're still not certain if you want to be with this person long term then they're clearly not the one for you (and you're not the one for them).

It's not a case of being uncertain. It's a case of allowing life to proceed and unfold to ensure that the relationship is robust and can withstand stresses before deciding to commit to a once-in-a-liftime union. This is how it's normally done.

Sister. Listen to your dh, fgs.
He said your son fucked up.
But, honestly, when a man knows what he wants he doesn't waffle. In his heart of hearts he was uncertain, keeping his options open, whatever you want to call it.
The whole, after 5 years, 10 years, he proposed, thing often means someone got a bit scared and settled.
When you know, you know. Then you put your cards on the table. She did and was all in. Your ds folded his hand.

He had a good thing a bed in her nest. Her love and he wrecked it. I'm sure she's very sad too. But she's got her head on straight. As has his father. Mum thinks he's a golden child, well he isn't.

I'm guessing the ex-girlfriend agrees with you, which is why she hasn't accepted his last-minute proposal. She doesn't want to coerce him into marriage, she wants him to want to marry her. He can't give her that, so she's leaving. Fair enough surely.

That’s great thinking OP. There aren’t many good men out there and she may not meet one so she’d better give her head a wobble and get back with the one she no longer loves. Better him than no one right? RIGHT????

His father is correct.
Classic case of "fxxk up and find out".
He thought he was in control.
He was wrong.

@shuggles

I'm really confused about how everyone on this thread is expecting this man to have proposed on an extremely short and accelerated timeline. They were only in a relationship for 3 years.

No, she asked for clarity and he wouldn’t give it. If he’d said ‘I was hoping that we’d we engaged in the two years and married a year after that it may have been completely different. It’s about a discussion and being on the same page.

She didn’t demand an engagement, she asked about future plans and postured his way out of it by being a twat.

I was with DH 6 years when we got married. We were both on the same page throughout. It’s not about how long, it’s about transparency and honesty about your intentions.

Before leaving home?

From your wording it sounds as though your daughter was living at home with you before she got engaged. If so, that's very different from your sons situation.

The issue is that your son was happy to move in to his girlfriends apartment, get his feet under the table and reap the benefits of that. Yet when she asked for some commitment, he decided that he was the one holding all the cards.

Trouble is, he wasn't. And shes done what I would advise my daughter to do.

Why doesn’t she just propose to him? I proposed to mine cos I knew he’d never get round to it. My biological clock was ticking. Thankfully he said yes. I don’t really get why in this day and age women are still waiting for men to get round to stuff. We all know we’re the best ones at organising things and getting things done! 🤣🤣🤣

He’s given her the ick. That’s it.
she has finally seen he only wanted her for her bed and her home.
Funnily enough you don’t want him back in yours so if you don’t want home, he can’t be perfect, can he?
Poor girl she has got to have him for another 3 weeks.