To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

[Lamentingalways]

Can I ask that this isn’t posted on Facebook please as it quite outing? Thank you!

I’m not sure that entitled is quite the right word but I am wondering if any others (particularly interested in the view points from people that have children in their 20’s) have noticed this.

I feel like we’ve moved forward hugely as a society in that we can name our emotions, put boundaries in place and recognise personality traits. I am glad our children learn these things he in school but it does feel (to me) that many of these young adults look at the way they were parented quite dimly and it feels as though their expectations are quite entitled and frankly ludicrous. Is it perhaps because many if them haven’t experienced how hard parenting actually is? Or perhaps this is unique to me although I do see lots of posts on social media
where young adults are complaining about what I would consider a parent doing their best during that time.

My daughter is late 20’s, I was a young Mum but I always worked and arranged for my family to take care of her when needed. I didn’t really drink, didn’t smoke, there was always food in the cupboard, meals were made, there was a warm, safe roof over her head. She had clean clothes, I paid for any school trip she requested even after I became a single Mum, t told her I loved her every day and still do every time I see her. I certainly am not perfect and have made mistakes I’m sure but I genuinely did my best and I think looking at other parents it wasn’t a bad life I gave her. We always had little holidays, she had good school attendance etc (which doesn’t happen by accident). I never had to give harsh punishments because she was a well behaved child and we talked about things so it never felt necessary.

Let me say I am very proud of her and I love her very much, I won’t tell her I feel this way because she would be upset and I will never fall out with her. But I feel that she is quite ungrateful. She makes little comments to me sometimes when she is with her OH that feel unwarranted, she will talk about anything negative that happened and I’m serious when I say these are seriously small things like I snapped at her or I got annoyed that she wouldn’t do something that I asked her to. She is quite condescending sometimes as if I am an idiot.she implied I was wearing the wrong size shoes quite recently (I wasn’t, it is brand that has unusual sizing and they fit perfectly) I certainly am not an idiot, I’m getting b older so sometimes might forget something but I work in a professional field, drive, have an owned home and have younger children. You know from the outside I’ve got my shit together so to speak (inside is a different matter but I hide that well) She chose to move somewhere that is a 35 minute drive from me which is absolutely fine and really no big deal but I do have 2 school runs a day to do and younger children to take care of so it was never going to be conducive to me seeing her all the time when we both work and have commitments. I want her to live wherever she wants to but I think she maybe resents that I don’t visit her more, she hasn’t said that but once made a comment that implies that’s how she feels. One of the problems with that is when I ask her to do anything she assumes I will pay. It doesn’t matter what the activity is she stands next to me and watches me pay. She doesn’t say thank you, she doesn’t offer to pay and doesn’t offer to send me the money. If her partner is there he offers or orders separately so I’m.not sure why she feels quite so entitled when she is alone with me. The other thing is, whilst I don’t see her as often as perhaps her MIL does (all her children have left home and she lives around the corner) it does mean that I never interfere, I have never once told her I disagree with her decisions etc where as MIL does, there’s something to be said for having a Mum that just says well done and lets you get on with whatever you please without judgement isn’t there? One year she didn’t send me a birthday card or present but did send a text. She never buys her Step Dad a birthday card and their relationship has been fine. I always make sure she and her partner have their card and present to open on their birthday whether I will be seeing them on the day or not, same at Christmas. Her step dad used to drive her around semi regularly, went to her when her car broke down, paid her phone bill etc. Of course I can’t list everything that feels disrespectful here but there are quite a few more examples of her almost feeling like I wasn’t / am not quite good enough for her but I genuinely tried my best and like I say I am fairly confident that it was a lot better than the children and young adults around her were getting.

So I guess what I am asking is have you noticed this if you have children around this age or is it quite unique to me? I’m not looking for advice as such (although I know some can’t help themselves) but I can promise you that I’m not hiding any massive trauma that occurred and I also know I should speak to her about it - I will but now isn’t the right time.

I think we do, we have adult children and grandchildren and believe it or not actually talk to them, listen to the news and read newspapers (and not just the right wing ones). Life, in many ways, is harder for them than it was for us. People rightly feel hard done by with regards to the difficulty of getting on the housing ladder and high rents, , lack of suitable well paid jobs and the ever shifting possibility of retirement. However, that doesn’t excuse the entitled behaviour shown by the OPs daughter.

@Dontlletmedownbruce The “everyone gets a medal” trend drove my DH mad when our children were younger. He’d say that life isn’t like this!

I also think I was guilty of huge amounts of praise and maybe was too soft because I was very young and don’t really know any better, all I knew is that it seemed better than the way I was parented but even though my childhood was overly strict and disciplined I still could see that my parents did what they thought was best and had more respect than she seems to have for me.

So true! My mum died when I was a child so I really appreciated my dad growing up and my siblings and I had to grow up quickly and help around the house. I was off at 18 travelling the world which made me grown up even more.

I’m older than the children of those you wanted replies from, but strongly remembered how I felt at that age. I always offer/ed to pay but my parents generally refused and would pay if we went out, sometimes they wouldn’t. Always thanked them. Always bought each other presents/cards etc. sometimes delivered late, but rarely. Lots of their friends had kids who were more like you described, but my parents always said it was down to the way they were brought up.

What I disliked with my parents is the way they absolutely pissed money away (gained through routes that are no longer available, mainly renting property out which is no longer as lucrative or available) while presuming I could keep up with them. This was through heavy drinking/ smoking in excess of £600 per month and moving house every year or so until they started building houses. They’re not particularly well off, and describe themselves as pulling themselves up by the bootlaces, but it’s all a facade as my grandparents were very wealthy and gave them large sums of money to pay off their mortgage etc. Unfortunately the surviving grandparent cut me and my sibling off in our early teens over a misplaced belief that we hadn’t thanked them for a birthday present (we had) but I think it was more that they were tired of our parents expectations.

Like a previous poster said, I think a lot of people my age and younger don’t have the bandwidth to perform in the way that their parents would like them to.

You're right about a lot of boomers but I'm Gen X and have children in their early twenties. I doubt the OP is older than me. I realise perfectly well thank you and realise just how lucky I was to be born when I was because of house prices and also tax credits (which I point out often on here because a lot of younger people aren't aware of how much easier things were ten to twenty years ago).

I notice the 30 year women at work are quite shallow and worried about what people think /who they know rather than being nice and welcoming to all. I feel they look down on older women who aren’t as polished as others. They can be really nice but also disappointingly nosey and disrespectful in a way that people in their fifties wouldn’t be. Just my observation on some not all though.

What's actually much trickier is when you can afford it. My eldest is still late teens so it's fair enough he is totally financially dependant, however if I feel something is unreasonable and say no, he will argue that I have the money and am just being tight. I think for wealthy or more comfortable parents there is even more need to be firm and set boundaries, because if someone's on a lower income or struggling the DC will understand that, what they will find harder to understand is that the money is there but they are not entitled to it.

well probably not a popular opinion but as a soceity as you sew so shall you reap!

too many everyone gets a prize. too much allowing bad behaviour with gentle parenting bollocks. too many parents think that their children must have some sort of mental health problem and giving it a "D" label of some sort. and what does this achieve. 1 in 4 under 25 on disability benefits.

I have several children in their 20s. they were bought up in schools where there were 1st, 2nd and 3rds in literally everything. they were supported and helped but ultimately not pandered to which was incredibly tough at times when every other parent around us was just giving in. they had regular bed times and routines. they did their homework because they were told to even if it was pointless.

it all started 25/30 years ago and its led to a whole cohort of young adults who have absolutely zero resilience. they dont see work as a priority they think being an influencer will give them a living. they were the generation that just got given stuff without earning it.

yes they have it tough now, of course they do. but waiting for someone to bail them out? thats going to be a long wait.

too many parents were just too soft and kids never learned about the real world. I am only grateful that I wont see the current youngsters when they are in their 30s because their generation is going to be even worse!

Teach them early is the key.
My mum always expected us to contribute as soon as we got jobs.

So obviously we wouldn't expect her to pay for anything after we left home.

I think getting kids to contribute teaches them to be independent and self sufficient sooner.

You seem to be taking what your daughter and posters on here very negatively. I wonder if you’re over reacting to your daughter too.

but these are the kids who never did stuff at home. they havent learned to cook or clean or manage their own money or even to hold down jobs. so many of them just behave like babies its shocking. try employing or interviewing some of them. clueless. asking for mental health days and not understanding deadlines. drives me bonkers.

Hands up, I was like this in my 20s, after a wonderful upbringing.

Its only now i look back with more maturity and realise what it must have looked like to my parents!

It will improve as she gets older.

I think also if you are the better off one you have to be prepared to slum it if you are expecting to split the costs! I adore my parents and they have been incredibly generous in many ways, including financially. I pay where I can, but realistically I get the coffees and the pints - my parents don't want to eat at the kind of places where I could afford to cover the meal for everyone! Similarly they have paid for family holidays, and my brother and I are very grateful, but also the honest truth is that my parents wouldn't want to stay where we would need to if we were to split the accommodation between the families and so if the holiday was set around my brother and I's family budgets. They have very good pensions and are mortgage-free, and have pretty expensive tastes now - and good for them! My brother and I both have little kids and big mortgages and big childcare bills. I think my parents get it - as I recall it, there was a lot less money around when we were little and they were the young working parents. But it does mean that I don't offer to pay when we go out for a meal somewhere my parents choose. Maybe that does make me a brat!

That's a sweeping generalisation. Many of us do - I think the Boomer generation (of which I am one) is the luckiest to have ever lived and I feel very sorry for the generations who are coming behind us who, as far as I can see for now, will not enjoy the advantages we have. There's talk of the "great wealth transfer" due to take place in the coming decades which may even things up a little, but it won't negate biggest difference which is that when we were young, the average property cost 2-3 times the average salary. It's now around 10 x the average salary which is simply unaffordable for most young adults without help from the bank of mum and Dad. Please don't assume we're all ignorant about the massive societal changes that have taken place in the last 45 years and some of us feel very sad about how that is affecting younger people.

OP is hardly a boomer though is she?

And I’m sure OP is well aware of how difficult the world is right now but doesn’t justify shitty entitled behaviour from DD though does it?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

^Agreed. How awful for a mother to refer to her DD as ‘dumb’ and getting ‘dumber’. This poster sounds very unpleasant herself.

I certainly wouldn’t put up with that crap from my children whatever age they are!! She’s still your child whatever age she is and still needs reminding of her manners clearly!! Point out to her when she is being rude and entitled!! Not saying anything won’t bring anything but resentment from both of you because she will feel she is right when you don’t pull her up on things or say you are an adult now are you paying for lunch as a thank you to me for driving you here/doing everything I’ve done for you etc

I went through this a little in late teens early 20s. I don’t know if the transition from childhood to adulthood is getting later, it might be, and that is the reason.

i do think there’s more entitlement but then again it’s so much harder to buy a home and earn a salary that pays for things it used to (like rent, food, clothing, and the once a year holiday). It’s making people resent their parents even if it’s not their fault. I also think covid has had a huge impact on people and their attitudes- people are just generally grumpier.

Finally, I find this is more a British thing to focus on the negative and find fault in our parents. Many Americans for example really appreciate the sacrifices their parents make and in other parts of the world too!

My mid 20s girls aren't like this. We are fortunate that we can afford to pay for them when we go out, but they always offer, and are very grateful ... holidays/meals/weekends.

I'd be reluctant to do it if they weren't appreciative.

I'm wouldn't feel comfortable sitting on money whilst they struggled ... they both work hard and are paying a fortune in rent/mortgage. We also happily pay for their mobiles, car insurance, tax, any major car repairs.

We got onto the property ladder in the 90s and it certainly wasn't easy, despite a lot of people on here saying it was. Interest rates were 16% at one point. I remember going round the supermarket with a calculator and a set amount of cash in my purse.

I do think young people are younger for longer. Not all of course. But generally.
My dad when he was 30 had three small children. A job. And lived a very modest life.
Compare and contrast when at work I hear. 30 somethings ( who are not stupid people at all ) say ' I going out this weekend to get hammered'. And everyone else nods.
And I am the only one aghast.

My DD is late 20s. She is an only child and I can say that I have the same from her. I have no DP now and she’s happy for me with that and thinks I should go and visit her more but she lives an hour away in another country and lives with her DP.
I have full time work and am trying to return to work after burnout and everything is hard. I had originally planned to see her yesterday but I was just too tired to make the drive. I’m always the bad one.

Tbh I think she probably sees you parenting the younger kids (differently) amd feels jealous.

In part probably because being mum is hard and she probably wishes life was easier like when she was a kid and it's hard to see your mum and her "new family" which indirectly mean you aren't fully in the moment for being a granny (regardless of care, just dynamics- most people don't talk to their mum about the terrible 2s and hear they are also struggling with it, rather than lending a listening ear and some kindly words and an anecdote about how she went through it and will get through it)

Young people are a lot more entitled. I think a little suffering and hardship is a good thing for people to learn resilience.

Yes, they can be. It’s all about them with Gen Z 🙄🙄🙄