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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have left my parents’ house without saying goodbye

136 replies

LoveCameDownAtChristmas · 15/12/2025 08:32

Until lockdown my parents were proud early risers. They regarded lying in as utter laziness. Anything later than 6:30 was indulgent, and after 8:00 was greeted with a ‘good afternoon’ and a warning that we were missing the best part of the day. They retired just before lockdown and during lockdown they turned into proper night owls and are not up until after 9:00. They don’t seem to realise this though and still say what larks they are and how early they get up.

This weekend my husband and baby were all at my parents house, and I said that we’d need to leave at 8:30 on Sunday because we had tickets to an event and needed to get there on time. They replied ‘oh well you know us, we’re up with the larks’ and similar when I reminded them before bedtime we’d be leaving at 8:30. Predictably when we were leaving they weren’t up and there was no signs that they were awake so we left to go the event. I had a text asking where we are, and when I said we’d left my mum said it would have been nice to say goodbye and hasn’t engaged with the photos I sent of the event, and hasn’t messaged her Wordle score to me either (which sounds small but we both have a 1000 day streak and have sent our results to each other since the pre NYT days) so I’m pretty sure she’s grumpy with me. My dad has also been quiet and not replied to the photos in the group chat either. It’s making me feel bad but i don’t know what else I could do because the event was expensive and a sellout so I couldn’t rearrange or let it go.

OP posts:
CautiousLurker2 · 15/12/2025 10:12

They were being incredibly rude, knowing you were leaving by 830, not to get themselves up. Crappy hosts, selfish parents.

When my InLaws leave after xmas, they leave around 8.30. My teens are rarely up before midday over the holidays but set alarms and make sure they are up for the 5-10 mins it takes to reiterate thanks for gifts, give hugs and wave goodbye. Your parents were BU not to have done the same.

Has it taken you this long to tune into the fact that they’ve always been passive aggressive and controlling? If so, let it go.

nomas · 15/12/2025 10:16

Bring it on in the open. Text them both saying 'I'm getting the sense you're both upset with me. I did say a couple of times yesterday that we need to leave at 8.30am on the dot to make it on time for our event. As it is, we only just made it on time. We did look for you to say goodbye. Would you prefer me to come in to your room next time to say goodbye?'

Tillow4ever · 15/12/2025 10:16

I’d have been tempted to reply that I shouted goodbye as I was leaving but got no reply so I assumed they were asleep.

if they were awake they’ll have to admit that and that would mean they deliberately didn’t get up to see you off (knowing what time you were leaving) which makes them dicks, or of they were asleep as you believed due to no signs of them being awake, they’ll have to concede maybe they are no longer “up with the larks”.

I get why you left quietly, I think I probably would have shouted up to them that we were off now, or sent a text at 8:20am saying just getting past bits ready to go, thanks for having us and see you soon. That way if they were awake they’ll had a few mins to come out of the bedroom to say goodbye.

Izzywizzy85 · 15/12/2025 10:20

I’d have been tempted to reply “good afternoon! Sorry we missed you, didn’t want to disturb your lovely long lie in though.” 😆

Original poster
LoveCameDownAtChristmas · 15/12/2025 10:32

I meant to send a text but didn’t. By the time the baby was in the car, maps was set up and we were on our way, it had slipped my mind. I didn’t knock because I’d be really uncomfortable to. My parents’ room was a childfree zone growing up, and so I I still have that invisible no entry sign in my head!

I’m also not saying I’m a virtuous early riser now! If my baby slept beyond 5:30 I would too.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/12/2025 10:35

If you would usually have sent a text perhaps that is why they are miffed?

If I'm leaving before people will be up we say our goodbyes the night before.

Even if they say they'll be up I usually do this just in case they don't get up!

PInkyStarfish · 15/12/2025 10:39

I would have tapped on the bedroom door and called, “We’re off now….”

bleakmidwintering · 15/12/2025 10:43

‘Didn’t want to wake you. Thanks for a lovely weekend. Apologies, we had to leave early for the event. Love you’

You don’t have to dissect their apparent laziness ( they are retired ffs!)on a thread on Mumsnet. What is wrong with people these days?

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 10:45

Daysgo · 15/12/2025 08:35

I presume you left a note on kitchen table explaining?

Why? OP had told them that they were leaving at 8.30 am so it's hardly going to be an unsolvable mystery when OP's parents get up after 8.30 am and find that OP and her family have already left.

SparkleSpriteDust · 15/12/2025 10:48

I definitely would have knocked on the bedroom door as I was leaving to say goodbye.

Izzywizzy85 · 15/12/2025 10:48

bleakmidwintering · 15/12/2025 10:43

‘Didn’t want to wake you. Thanks for a lovely weekend. Apologies, we had to leave early for the event. Love you’

You don’t have to dissect their apparent laziness ( they are retired ffs!)on a thread on Mumsnet. What is wrong with people these days?

I don’t think the op is dissecting their laziness, she’s pointing out the bloody hypocrisy of them! They sound sanctimonious, I reckon that’s why they’re annoyed.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 10:53

Heronwatcher · 15/12/2025 08:52

Yeah, it’s not that the parents didn’t know where she was, it’s that they were probably sad not to say goodbye and sad to come down to a completely empty house on their own with no note/ text.

Being in a caring family means reading between the lines sometimes.

If OP's parents were sad not to say goodbye, they should have set their alarm earlier than 8.30 am to ensure that they were up in time to do this. They obviously either couldn't be bothered to do this or they wouldn't do this because it would ruin their own self image of being natural early risers and not lazy, self-indulgent late risers.

They sound really annoying, particularly if they are now being grumpy and giving OP the cold shoulder.

LiveToTell · 15/12/2025 10:56

They’re the rude ones for not getting up in time to say goodbye to their guests.

TinselTitts · 15/12/2025 11:01

Bit weird to not just knock on their bedroom door and shout "We're off now, bye".

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 11:05

TinselTitts · 15/12/2025 11:01

Bit weird to not just knock on their bedroom door and shout "We're off now, bye".

OP has said:

'I didn’t knock because I’d be really uncomfortable to. My parents’ room was a childfree zone growing up, and so I still have that invisible no entry sign in my head!'

TinselTitts · 15/12/2025 11:09

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 11:05

OP has said:

'I didn’t knock because I’d be really uncomfortable to. My parents’ room was a childfree zone growing up, and so I still have that invisible no entry sign in my head!'

Show quote history

Yeah like I said, it's a bit weird.

Heronwatcher · 15/12/2025 11:10

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 10:53

If OP's parents were sad not to say goodbye, they should have set their alarm earlier than 8.30 am to ensure that they were up in time to do this. They obviously either couldn't be bothered to do this or they wouldn't do this because it would ruin their own self image of being natural early risers and not lazy, self-indulgent late risers.

They sound really annoying, particularly if they are now being grumpy and giving OP the cold shoulder.

Show quote history

Yes but they are older, OP says that they go to bed late, they’d just been hosting for a few days which is knackering for anyone, and aren’t getting up early at the moment. I’d tend to give them the benefit of the doubt in this situation by just giving them a quick chance to say goodbye or leaving a note rather than jumping to apportion blame and make the situation worse…

CalculatingCrispen · 15/12/2025 11:18

Heronwatcher · 15/12/2025 11:10

Yes but they are older, OP says that they go to bed late, they’d just been hosting for a few days which is knackering for anyone, and aren’t getting up early at the moment. I’d tend to give them the benefit of the doubt in this situation by just giving them a quick chance to say goodbye or leaving a note rather than jumping to apportion blame and make the situation worse…

Show quote history

They are hardly on their last legs from the sounds of it, if they cant be bothered/ are too exhausted to set an alarm at 8am to get up and say goodbye to their D and grandchild then they shouldnt be hosting at all

BlakeCarrington · 15/12/2025 11:20

They’ll get over it but it was a bit rude not to leave a note or text.

Luxio · 15/12/2025 11:22

BlakeCarrington · 15/12/2025 11:20

They’ll get over it but it was a bit rude not to leave a note or text.

I'm really surprised by how many think the op was rude to not send a text or leave a note but fail to acknowledge how rude it was of her parents to not be up to see them off knowing what time they had to leave by.

Honestly OP you did nothing wrong in not texting them and hopefully they will be over their strop soon enough.

TorroFerney · 15/12/2025 11:22

LoveCameDownAtChristmas · 15/12/2025 10:32

I meant to send a text but didn’t. By the time the baby was in the car, maps was set up and we were on our way, it had slipped my mind. I didn’t knock because I’d be really uncomfortable to. My parents’ room was a childfree zone growing up, and so I I still have that invisible no entry sign in my head!

I’m also not saying I’m a virtuous early riser now! If my baby slept beyond 5:30 I would too.

Is it making you feel uncomfortable or guilty or worried that they are sulking at you? If so, New Year’s resolution to work on that. Not your responsibility to manage their emotions as someone else has said. Do not go into fawn mode and start messaging to test the water . Leave them to it.

if I’m wide of the mark then ignore me, if I’m not then ask for the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents” by Lindsay Gibson for Christmas.

but, in answer to your question, even if you were rude ((don’t think you were) the sulking from them is not reasonable. My mums a past master at it, sulking and silent treatment , she’s got the emotional regulation skills of a lamppost.

Lurkingandlearning · 15/12/2025 11:23

Having told them what time you needed to leave, the polite thing would have been for them to get up, throw on a dressing gown and see you off.

TorroFerney · 15/12/2025 11:26

TinselTitts · 15/12/2025 11:09

Yeah like I said, it's a bit weird.

Show quote history

I’d be the same, my parents room was where they fought and had loud sex (not at the same time!) I’d not want to go in. I’d not go in when I was six and vomiting I’m the middle of the night!

BlondeBonBon · 15/12/2025 11:28

I wouldn’t pander to any silly behaviour

Heronwatcher · 15/12/2025 11:29

CalculatingCrispen · 15/12/2025 11:18

They are hardly on their last legs from the sounds of it, if they cant be bothered/ are too exhausted to set an alarm at 8am to get up and say goodbye to their D and grandchild then they shouldnt be hosting at all

Show quote history

Jesus! So just because they might not be leaping out of bed or have missed an alarm they shouldn’t host at all! Way to make a mountain out of a molehill.

I really hope you don’t have elderly relatives or get older yourself one day, and good on you for never missing an alarm even once 😆