DMIL suddenly passed away yesterday

[P1nkskies]

posting here for traffic-

My wonderful MIL died suddenly yesterday, my DH was with her. Such a shock and we are devastated.
We have 2 children (12 and 9) who were really close to her (cried themselves to sleep last night).
I’m doing my Christmas shopping for them this morning with tears just rolling down my cheeks.
The question running through my head this morning is how to best ‘do’ Christmas this year for them? Any advice from people who have been through this at this time of year would be so helpful, or if you’re a counsellor/ psychologist who has helped people through grief, would love you go to pointers for the children.
Thank you, all x

I’m so sorry to read about your DMIL op.

Winston’s Wish have some Christmas suggestions and also a helpline which you could ring on Monday morning. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly with good advice

winstonswish.org/christmas-grief-activities/

My Grandma died just before Christmas and we had her funeral on New Year’s Eve. The one piece of advice that I have is to just accept that Christmas won’t be the same this year for you. My grandma was a huge part of our Xmas day and we spent it remembering her and trying to enjoy it the best we could as that’s what she would have wanted. Don’t put pressure on yourself to over compensate. Xmas and new year absolutely suck when you’re grieving or going through a tough time.
Im so very sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your family’s loss. At those ages I would leave it a few days and then speak together about what you’d like Xmas to be. But as a mum and a grandma I would like to say that my children (and their children!)’s happiness is my main focus and always will be- even after I’m gone. And I hate the thought that they’d be sad or miss Xmas if I died at that time of year. So perhaps think about how she loved and how she lived for your Xmas plans and honour her perhaps but fill your house with joy and love.

I‘m so sorry for your loss op, it’s gut wrenching to lose a special person from your life.
I was also going to link Winston’s Wish.
I’ve not been through this so close to Christmas, were you planning on seeing mil on Christmas Day?
Sending a big hug for you and your family 💐

I think be flexible about Christmas plans

eg If you feel like going to the pantomime you booked already, go. If you prefer not to, offer the tickets to a neighbour

A more low key Christmas may be best. No need to cancel completely. But more subdued, with focus on being together to support the family

Just do what feels right

I am so sorry @P1nkskies what a dreadful shock gorgeous all.

@Isadora2007 I agree completely with your lovely post.

Not quite the same but my nan was very clearly end of life on her last Christmas.

Just do whatever you feel you need to do. We visited her, came home and shut off the world and got drunk. Not the healthiest thing to do but it was what we needed. I’d cancel any plans you have, or make the hosts aware you may not be coming. I’m so sorry for your loss

My mum died at the beginning of this year but was very unwell over the Xmas period last year we still got together bit for obvious reasons it was a very low key xmas
I'm sorry for your loss.

I’m really sorry to hear this OP. Children are quite surprising and may bounce back a lot quicker than you realise. Losing a grandparent as a child is not an unusual thing so they will have friends who have already experienced this. Another vote for Winston’s Wish. How’s your DH? My dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly and that in itself can throw up all sorts of practical complications at the same time as dealing with the shock. It was my kids being “back to normal” after about 2 days that I found the most helpful.

Sorry to hear that.

It sounds like your children will grieve in a similar manner but just be aware that that may change or DH may grieve differently.

For example, my coping mechanism is to compartmentalise. Sadness goes into a box and comes out when I have private time to sit with my thoughts, which means i probably come across as cold and unbothered and unemotional.

So just be aware that whilst tears might be your way, and your kids may be "following your example" for now (I'm so sorry that sounds crude, I really don't mean any malice) and that could change over the weeks.

Over the next few weeks, while the adults are thinking about informing people, planning funerals, logistics, registering deaths etc, the kids will probably not be consumed by that in the same way and may cope better by being absorbed with school jumper days and other festive things so I'd suggest keeping the adult speak away from them and just letting things happen naturally. This might mean putting a brave face on at times which will feel impossible but I'd definitely try and be led by them without really asking questions but making anything ok, so if they cry, that's fine, if they don't talk about it, that's fine too xx

My grandfather died shortly before Christmas. I was an adult then but my cousin's were still little. We had a really quiet Christmas that year. Kept the usual presents and lunch on the day but scaled back on most activities (kids' own choice). What was really important for us was not to force "the magic of Christmas" and just spend time together in whatever emotional state we found ourselves in. There were still smiles and hugs and some tears too.

What about your DH's grief? Shouldn't you be starting from there in working out how Christmas can be?

I am sure OP is also considering her DH grief. Your post sounds like a dig at OP, was it meant to be?

We did things just a little differently. We found a restaurant which still had a booking and went out and had a nice meal but in very different surroundings so that the person missing from their usual place wasn’t quite so glaring in their absence. The kids still had a good time, the adults a more sedate time than normal but it got us through. We reverted back to a more normal Christmas the following year.

A subsequent pre Christmas loss years later saw us up sticks and spend Christmas in the canaries, which I hated. But in a bizarre way, the very strangeness (for us) of being so far away at Christmas helped. Christmas as usual after that. But I doubt I’ll ever go to the canaries again!

So sorry for your loss. The grief really does feel magnified when so many are ho ho ho ing about the place. Making changes to the usual festive routine for one year helped us immensely.

I’m a teacher trained in a grief programme for children. Whilst not an expert on grief, and I don’t know your children, I’d try and keep things quite normal whilst acknowledging your the feelings of each child. The programme we use helps children to understand that there will be sadness and happiness and laughter during the days after someone dies, and it’s all ok and normal.

Aside from being upset about the loss of their grandmother, they are just beginning to understand what death means and may have additional worries /fears about other relatives and care givers dying. It is important that you help to make this less scary. Whilst horribly sad, an older relative dying is a part of life.

Your mother in law wouldn’t want them to have a somber Christmas and it’s important that they have that communicated to them and know that they are allowed to enjoy the season. Otherwise Christmas may well become something they feel guilty celebrating and hold bad memories. It is ok for them to know you and your husband are grieving, but they shouldn’t feel worried about either of you.

Do something nice to think about their granny. Perhaps take them to buy a special ornament for the tree. Leave room for sad feelings, but try not to dwell on them and focus on all the lovely memories they have from past Christmases with her.

Sorry for your loss 💐

The one piece of advice that I have is to just accept that Christmas won’t be the same this year for you.

I agree with this. You get through it somehow. You feel numb and that you are just going through the motions, but it does get better, eventually.

I lost my mum the week before Christmas many years ago and now I look back with nostalgia instead of sadness.

Thank you all. Some really great advice - I know there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, so, yes, we’ll take it a day at a time, and the link to Winston’s Wish is perfect - thank you.

We always had Christmas lunch with her- so this year will be difficult. She was the warmth and heart of our family.

thank you everyone one who has/ will post today. I want to guide the kids well through this so, thank you!

It will be tough on you all, but do keep the routine of Christmas though it will be tinged with sadness. Pair things down perhaps but take the lead from the children who once the shock subsides will probably cope better than you. It’s never a good time to loose someone but it is particularly hard when everyone around you is happily celebrating Christmas. We toasted dh’s mum to remember her the year she died, last year we did the same for the dog, it worked for us

I am so sorry. Have no idea where gorgeous came from. Was supposed to say 'for you'.

Oh and remember kids often sort of go in and out of grief so they may quickly be consumed by other things yet then be really upset later. Some adults are able to compartmentalise too, doesn’t mean they are any less sad, just they cope differently

So sorry for your loss. I have no suggestions for how to do Christmas this year.

However just to acknowledge that you'll be between a rock and a hard place with DH's grief and keeping things as normal as possible for your children. Remember to try and take some time for yourself to come to terms with your own grief and feelings. Sending love.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My aunt who we were exceptionally close to died suddenly on Christmas Eve quite a few years ago. We still did the presents and dinner then went to see my uncle and cousin. I can still remember it 40 years on. It was quiet and different but still Christmas even though a sad one. I still think of her often but especially on Christmas Eve but it is now with happy memories of the time we had together x

wonderful advice here, thank you! I’m so sorry you went through this too. 💐

Grief can be an energy rollercoaster - sometimes steely efficiency takes over or easy things become mountains to climb.
With that in mind, make whatever you do as simple as possible with as little pressure as possible

Going with the flow emotions wise is all you can do. Let the kids know that it’s ok to feel sad and ok to get in and enjoy their usual things too.

Is your FIL still alive? Do you need to include him over Christmas? What about DH and any siblings?

Apart from getting the funeral organised (you’ll need to wait for the death certificate) there really is no rush to do anything more so please make sure that your DH doesn’t take on more than is needed too quickly xx