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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DMIL suddenly passed away yesterday

102 replies

P1nkskies · 13/12/2025 08:27

posting here for traffic-

My wonderful MIL died suddenly yesterday, my DH was with her. Such a shock and we are devastated.
We have 2 children (12 and 9) who were really close to her (cried themselves to sleep last night).
I’m doing my Christmas shopping for them this morning with tears just rolling down my cheeks.
The question running through my head this morning is how to best ‘do’ Christmas this year for them? Any advice from people who have been through this at this time of year would be so helpful, or if you’re a counsellor/ psychologist who has helped people through grief, would love you go to pointers for the children.
Thank you, all x

OP posts:
Suffolker · 13/12/2025 11:50

My MIL died on Christmas Day 10 years ago, when our DC were the same age as yours. It was expected as she’d been very ill, and I remember the lead up to Christmas being extremely difficult. The DC did not have a particularly close relationship with her, so although they were sad it perhaps wasn’t as upsetting for them as it is for yours. We managed to muddle through the rest of Christmas for their benefit, although I remember it as being all a bit of a blur. We took a lot of comfort from seeing my side of the family in the days afterwards. As others have said, I would play it by ear and not put too much pressure on yourselves to do anything you don’t feel up to.
Sorry for your loss 💐

Catpiece · 13/12/2025 11:54

So sorry for your loss. How painful for you all. My experience with grief like this is that the children will show you the way. You have the distraction of them. Follow their lead 💐

Happyholidays78 · 13/12/2025 11:57

P1nkskies · 13/12/2025 09:17

Thank you all. Some really great advice - I know there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, so, yes, we’ll take it a day at a time, and the link to Winston’s Wish is perfect - thank you.

We always had Christmas lunch with her- so this year will be difficult. She was the warmth and heart of our family.

thank you everyone one who has/ will post today. I want to guide the kids well through this so, thank you!

So sorry for your lost. How beautiful for you to say your MIL was the warmth & heart of your family, she sounds like a fabulous person ❤️

GlitzAndGigglesx · 13/12/2025 12:03

My mum died on Christmas eve when I was 13. The "magic" and excitement of Christmas disappeared for me that day. My siblings and I had school counselling which slightly helped. I wish family helped at the time to get us bereavement counselling because I just shut myself away for a long time after

lifeonmars100 · 13/12/2025 12:08

i am so sorry, what a terrible shock. She sounds like the most wonderful woman who will be hugely missed.

Horserider5678 · 13/12/2025 12:10

P1nkskies · 13/12/2025 08:27

posting here for traffic-

My wonderful MIL died suddenly yesterday, my DH was with her. Such a shock and we are devastated.
We have 2 children (12 and 9) who were really close to her (cried themselves to sleep last night).
I’m doing my Christmas shopping for them this morning with tears just rolling down my cheeks.
The question running through my head this morning is how to best ‘do’ Christmas this year for them? Any advice from people who have been through this at this time of year would be so helpful, or if you’re a counsellor/ psychologist who has helped people through grief, would love you go to pointers for the children.
Thank you, all x

My grandmother died on Christmas Day which also happened to be her birthday. She was in hospital leading up to Christmas, we just had a very quiet Christmas. Declined any invites over Christmas and new year, all our friends understood and gave us space to grieve.

JustMyView13 · 13/12/2025 12:12

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐
One thing that struck me, is Christmas might feel a little claustrophobic this year. Everyone hemmed in the house, not knowing how to be. Perhaps make a point (assuming you’re all physically able bodied) to get a nice walk in on Christmas morning & again on Boxing Day. Fresh air and open spaces to build up an appetite & not be under each other’s feet.

IsItSnowing · 13/12/2025 12:14

So sorry for your loss.
I think you should try to carry on with Christmas as normal as possible. The children will still be looking forward to it. Changing things will just add to their upset really.
I lost my grandmother on Christmas eve. It was a shock, she was in her late sixties and it wasn't expected. I was 12. She would have normally come to our house for the day so it was strange for her not to be there. But I think we benefited from still doing normal things.
I'd just say, be flexible on what everyone wants. Allow for people to not want to join in or to need to talk about her, take time out, whatever they need. There is no one-size fits all to grief.

flumposie · 13/12/2025 12:21

So sorry for your loss.

IggyAce · 13/12/2025 12:25

So sorry for your loss. Just be flexible, accept that Christmas this year will be different. Allow the children to talk and remember their gm and answer any questions they may have simply and honestly.

Not for this year but one tradition we have is if we have lost anyone close to us we choose a decoration for the Christmas tree in their memory.

InlandTaipan · 13/12/2025 12:25

The best advice I can give you is to give yourselves some grace. It's ok to have some fun, feel joy, enjoy Christmas and its OK to be sad, quiet, mourning. It's certainly OK to do both, even in quick succession. It's also OK for one/some of you to be in one state and some in another, which can be tricky. Feeling that you- or others - are doing it wrong is truly unhelpful.

victormeldrewcantbelieveit · 13/12/2025 12:51

I lost my DM at this time of year when I was a teen. It was awful but made worse on Christmas Day by relatives calling to say “Merry Christmas” and then asking for details of/bringing up the funeral (which was on the 29th). It might be worth asking in advance any relatives or people you may be in contact with on Christmas Day not to mention anything, if this might make Christmas Day a little more bearable.

InSpainTheRain · 13/12/2025 12:51

So sorry for your loss. My DDad died just before Christmas 4 years ago, then 2 years ago my DMum died at exactly the same time of year. We (me, DH and our 2 DC) were very close to them. I think as PP have said do what you feel you want to - but also remember and reassure the children that nothing you do is wrong.

For example, if you want to have some fun and laughs, that's fine and the children need to know that's fine too. Granny would have wanted that. But also if you feel sad that's ok too. We talked openly and remembered past Christmases with them, but made sure we had some fun times too. Perhaps spend a little quiet time remembering DMIL then try to lighten up to focus on other things, especially for the DC. .

victormeldrewcantbelieveit · 13/12/2025 12:52

I’m also so sorry for your loss and sending you love and thoughts!

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/12/2025 12:59

As a widow this is what I would advise you actually do Xmas the same. Obvs mil won’t be there but children in these circumstances need things that are constant. Xmas is a constant, a norm.’so you do all the same things and keep the same levels of excitement. 4days after my husband died my son was competing at his sport. Xmas for us was a few months away but it was the same as any other just without home being there.

RealReginaPhalange · 13/12/2025 13:02

P1nkskies · 13/12/2025 08:27

posting here for traffic-

My wonderful MIL died suddenly yesterday, my DH was with her. Such a shock and we are devastated.
We have 2 children (12 and 9) who were really close to her (cried themselves to sleep last night).
I’m doing my Christmas shopping for them this morning with tears just rolling down my cheeks.
The question running through my head this morning is how to best ‘do’ Christmas this year for them? Any advice from people who have been through this at this time of year would be so helpful, or if you’re a counsellor/ psychologist who has helped people through grief, would love you go to pointers for the children.
Thank you, all x

My dad died one year ago this Monday. It is horrible and i am sorry for your loss. Take it easy, dont stress about things being done in certain way, just slowly day by day. 🫂

J3001 · 13/12/2025 13:11

I lost my mam 2 days before christmas 16 year ago my boys were 9 and 4 we still did xmas but low key did christmas day dinner as everything was in and my mam was going to sit and supervise planned he funeral xmas eve one of the hardest things we had to do

Zanatdy · 13/12/2025 13:29

My dad died in early December 8yrs ago and my children were 9, 13 and older son in his 20’s (and my dad had been a father figure to him as he was born when I was 16 and his own father wasn’t around). We had the funeral on 15th Dec and Christmas was definitely hard that year. We continued with normal plans which was just close family anyway. On the day my mum asked my SIL what her brother was doing that day as their family is overseas and when she said he was alone we immediately said ask him over for dinner. It was great he came as there was no empty chair and he was able to distract us with talk of their traditions, try sprouts and trifle etc.

This year is another tough Christmas for me as 1st Jan last year I found out one of my best friends and the person locally who I relied on (with family being 5hrs away) had terminal cancer and she died 9wks later. Only 57. Thinking about her every day on the run up to Christmas. It’s a hard time when you’re grieving. Lost another good friend 2 months ago and her adult DD told me her 8yr old DD said all she wants for Christmas is her grandma back. Just so sad. But I know her mum will ensure she has a magical day and grandma would want that.

Paetina · 13/12/2025 13:30

My father, who I was very close to, died 9 days before Christmas. This was six months after my mother died- so both parents gone that year.

My brother and I found a lot of comfort in maintaining most of the traditions so I would encourage that too. We treated it as an opportunity for rest and recovery rather than for merriment. In some ways it removed the expectations around Christmas that can make it a disappointment. Now, years later, I remember those few days, despite the grief, as a very calm and restful period. Keep family and friends close.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 13/12/2025 13:32

What was her name? Would you like to tell us your favourite memory of her?

QuirkyMoose · 13/12/2025 13:37

Please accept my condolences to yourself and to your whole family. It was lovely to hear you refer to her as your wonderful mother-in-law, as a lot of people don't have the best relationships with their in-laws. I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. Is there a father-in-law? I was wondering if his feelings will need to be taken into consideration as well, or is it just you and your kids and your husband who you need to find a way to work Christmas this year without her?

I can tell you from personal experience at the first Christmas after losing a loved one is the hardest, although just two weeks before christmas, that's got to be tough. I'm sure that you already had your plans in place and presents are bought and everything and yeah. That really is hard. I know.

I'm assuming your husband is going to be taking this pretty tough. And the rest of you also. You don't want to sweep the hole issue under the rug, do everything else as usual, because that isn't fair to the grieving process.
My suggestion would be to create a new small special ritual that works for your family at this time. Expect that it won't go perfectly because it is the very first time and you're creating it yourself, also because the grief is so raw, emotions will be very fresh.

For instance, if you feel it's appropriate, your kids could write a short letter to your grandma or just a note, doesn't have to be long, or even a picture if they want to draw one, and they can place it in a stocking up along to your mother-in-law. I don't mean a stalking that she would wear on her foot I mean a Christmas stocking.... If you had one for her. And you could put these notes which you don't have to read out loud, into the stocking sort of as your way of having some closure and speaking with her but you don't have to say the words out loud because sometimes that's really hard. Granted, probably everybody will be crying tears as they write the note, but it really helps sometimes to put things down on paper. And putting them in a stocking with her name on it at Christmas time is kind of like a long distance phone call to her.
It's a ritual that I got into after my grandparents passed away and I've been doing it for years.

You could buy or you could make a special ornament or something else like an ornament, some kind of decoration, maybe with your favorite photo of her or better yet of all of you with her. These days with computer editing the way it is, you don't even need to have a fantastic group photo with all of you in it, you can make a good group photo as long as you have good individual photos that can be put together. This is very quickly and easily done if you don't have the skills, somebody else can do it for you online for just a couple of £. It could be a framed photo, it could be an ornament, it could be anything that works for your decorative style and, in a small way it'll feel like she's still there with you in the room when you look over and you see her there.

Or if there was a cause that was near and dear to her heart, if she absolutely loved birds for instance, perhaps your family could make bird seed feeders out of peanut butter and nuts and seeds and such, put a nice ripping on them, and go out to your yard or to a park and hang them up for the birds. Something that you think she would have liked and something that makes you feel a little bit closer to her. Like I said none of these are perfect examples, I don't know your situation, but I'm just giving you an idea of the kind of things that I've worked through with my way of dealing with grief of a loved one, little rituals that I've created that mean something to me but make me feel closer to them. I don't know if this helps but I hope that it does.

whynotwhatknot · 13/12/2025 13:41

so sorry for your loss-my dm died 2 weeks before xmas no young kids but my sister was 18, we had a low key xmas but still done presents and dinner-just go with the flow for now im sure it will work out x

Blizzardofleaves · 13/12/2025 13:43

Depending on your children and their character - the advice is to keep the routine the same as far as you can. Your children will feel comforted by the normality. Inform their school teachers on Monday, and be flexible if they can’t manage or meltdown for ‘no reason’ ditto Christmas Day minus the parts she would usually be there.

Discuss with dh what he feels would be best for him, and adapt accordingly.

The lunch might be a step too far if she has always been there. Consider going out instead and somewhere that isn’t overwhelmingly festive. It might be too much for dh.

We lit a candle, and said some prayers for granny. It’s very very difficult, there is no easy way through, so kindness and love all the way, as she no doubt would have wanted.

Thiswaytoday · 13/12/2025 14:03

I work in one of the roles you mentioned with grief. I would say keep communication open as a family. I think children like routine so may still like the usual traditions. But ask them do you still want to go auntys house etc. Also how you all feel matters just because it’s Christmas try not to feel pressured to do the usual meet ups etc. Maybe doing things differently is ok but I think children still appreciate Christmas.

ZoeCM · 13/12/2025 14:09

I'm afraid I don't have any useful advice, but I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. It would be horrible at any time of year, obviously, but the run-up to Christmas is such a painful time to lose a loved one. Best wishes to you and your family.