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Original poster

DMIL suddenly passed away yesterday

102 replies

P1nkskies · 13/12/2025 08:27

posting here for traffic-

My wonderful MIL died suddenly yesterday, my DH was with her. Such a shock and we are devastated.
We have 2 children (12 and 9) who were really close to her (cried themselves to sleep last night).
I’m doing my Christmas shopping for them this morning with tears just rolling down my cheeks.
The question running through my head this morning is how to best ‘do’ Christmas this year for them? Any advice from people who have been through this at this time of year would be so helpful, or if you’re a counsellor/ psychologist who has helped people through grief, would love you go to pointers for the children.
Thank you, all x

OP posts:
NeedingCoffee · 13/12/2025 09:48

I'm so sorry for your loss; what a terrible shock.
Not immediately, but keep an eye for delayed reaction from your children too. A close relative (a child) died in our family when mine were similar age and one of the children became quite anxious, had difficulty sleeping (especially away from home) and didn't like me going out alone. We got her a few private counselling sessions where she was able to explore her fears that others close to her would die (especially me), and come up with some coping strategies and we gradually worked up to me being out at bedtime and eventually to her going on a sleepover again.
My other child didn't have any similar issues and your children will likely be absolutely fine. But wanted you to know so you can keep an eye and certainly in our case, addressing it actively felt like a good idea x

Clafoutie · 13/12/2025 09:49

I’m very sorry OP. Just one tiny step at a time.

Larymarylary · 13/12/2025 09:49

My DH died just before Christmas. We got through Christmas by carrying on with everything, as well as we could.

This was also a sudden unexpected death, so I completely understand your shock.

I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

Condensationon · 13/12/2025 09:50

I am so sorry for your loss.

Gallowayan · 13/12/2025 09:51

Sorry for your loss.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 13/12/2025 09:53

My father died very unexpectedly on the 12th December. His funeral was the 21st .we just muddled through. We spent Christmas with my mum , siblings and partners snd all the kids and we trued to make it as good as we could for the children.

We all took it in turns to go and have a breather in the garden.

It's really fucking hard and it spoilt Christmas for me for a good few years hut time heals and now I think sbout how much he'd hsve loved it.

Please be kind to yourselves and just do ehat you can.

Enko · 13/12/2025 09:54

We had more time to get used to mil.being gone as she didn't die so close to christmas. However the first year was hard. We still do things "for grandma" like white Christmas has to play on the tv even though none of us watch it but grandma liked it on.

We talk about her and her ways. She is still very much a part of christmas 6 years on.

Be kind to yourself too. When inlaws die ita often the biological family that gets noticed but if you had a lovely relationship with her you need to grieve too.

stichguru · 13/12/2025 09:58

P1nkskies · 13/12/2025 09:17

Thank you all. Some really great advice - I know there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, so, yes, we’ll take it a day at a time, and the link to Winston’s Wish is perfect - thank you.

We always had Christmas lunch with her- so this year will be difficult. She was the warmth and heart of our family.

thank you everyone one who has/ will post today. I want to guide the kids well through this so, thank you!

See what they want to do. We lost my Dad on the 3rd of December 2 years ago. We decided not to go down to the house over actual Christmas like we normally would, and my son (10) enjoyed his first Christmas at home, but then we did travel down on the 26th to see some friends down that way and begin a bit of clearing in the house. We came home on the 31st to be ready to join with the New Year's Day Lunch with my husbands' family. Last year, same plan, This year we no longer have the house, so it's the first year we will be home for Christmas, but we are fitting in things we wouldn't normally!

Mischance · 13/12/2025 09:59

My grandfather committed suicide one Christmas Eve when I was 5. My parents dealt with it by ignoring the subject, which was very unhelpful.

I am sorry at this sudden loss you have all suffered. Your children need to know it is OK to be sad, and you need to show your own sadness. Christmas can be an emotional time anyway so this is hard to navigate, but I do think that you need to "include" her - to talk about how much she would have loved it all, about how lucky you all are to have had her in your life and to have her love as part of you all to carry forward into your lives, to remember Christmases when she was there, to acknowledge how much you are all missing her this year.

My GC were of different ages when my OH died, but even the little ones had been closely involved with his last illness and they were wonderfully open about their thoughts and feelings and I found that a comfort. The first time I saw them after his death the 4 year old raced in to my house, hugged me and said "I am so sorry Papa has died." It was like a breath of fresh air - an uninhibited and oh so real response. Your children need to be given the space to be that open and not to have to feel they must not mention her for fear of upsetting you - they need to have your permission to talk about her.

This will be a difficult Christmas for you all but I hope there are happy memories to share. Sending a hug.

stichguru · 13/12/2025 09:59

I forgot to say many condolences and I hope there are many fab bits to Christmas amongst the sadness. xx

Backfromhols · 13/12/2025 09:59

Lost my grandfather suddenly without warning on 21 December, was a huge shock and devastating. His presents were bought and wrapped, and we were excited for his upcoming big birthday. We were fortunate to hold his funeral on 24 December and we carried on with Christmas. Of course it wasn’t the same but we took comfort in the fact that he loved Christmas, had been really looking forward to, it and wouldn’t have wanted us to miss it.

Whatsthatsheila · 13/12/2025 10:00

Isadora2007 · 13/12/2025 08:31

So sorry for your family’s loss. At those ages I would leave it a few days and then speak together about what you’d like Xmas to be. But as a mum and a grandma I would like to say that my children (and their children!)’s happiness is my main focus and always will be- even after I’m gone. And I hate the thought that they’d be sad or miss Xmas if I died at that time of year. So perhaps think about how she loved and how she lived for your Xmas plans and honour her perhaps but fill your house with joy and love.

@P1nkskies i agree with this.

as horrid as loss is, you have two children who will be learning how to handle emotional burden and grief and will watching the behaviours that are modelled to them by their adults.

of course you need time to grieve and process but at the same time - life goes on.

would MIl want your christmas and your children’s Christmas overshadowed by grief? Somehow I really expect not.

it may be appropriate to scale back some plans eg any parties etc that may feel garish and overwhelming, but Christmas is a time of love and family and joy. Keep those family bonds healthy and strong and model to your kids that life is still normal and happy despite the loss of a loved one

grief can be done “healthy” - it’s awful no doubt. But there has to be a pragmatism too that this is a part of life and as sad as it is we can’t change it. We can let it break us … or we can choose to be resilient by recognising that life does go on.

Cyclebabble · 13/12/2025 10:04

Hi OP. Mu mum died on Christmas Day when I was in my early teens. We did not have any children in the house so we took the decorations down and carried on is Christmas did not exist. There is no one right way to respond but whatever you do, do not force people to be jolly at Christmas. Even now I find it a difficult time of year and tend to do a low key Christmas unless children are in close proximity.

spiderlight · 13/12/2025 10:05

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost my dad seven years ago today. DS was 11 and was absolutely heartbroken, as was I. We had a very low-key Christmas that year - they do tend to be anyway though - and DH took DS down to see his grandparents and cousins for a few days before New Year so he could have a bit of normality and distraction. All you can do is get through it a day at a time, really, and keep talking and looking after each other.

mrschocolatte · 13/12/2025 10:13

I’m so sorry for your loss. My MIL passed away suddenly last week too. My only advice is take each day as it comes. No need to commit to anything or force yourselves to do things when your hearts aren’t in it. We have scaled back a lot of what we had planned but today for the first time in days, DP and I will get dressed and head in to London just to see the lights and have a walk along South Bank. I am going to buy a Christmas ornament as well in memory of my MIL to put on the tree. It’s not for everyone but little things help get your through the harder moments. My thoughts are with you and your family this Christmas x

Nicaveron · 13/12/2025 10:13

P1nkskies · 13/12/2025 08:27

posting here for traffic-

My wonderful MIL died suddenly yesterday, my DH was with her. Such a shock and we are devastated.
We have 2 children (12 and 9) who were really close to her (cried themselves to sleep last night).
I’m doing my Christmas shopping for them this morning with tears just rolling down my cheeks.
The question running through my head this morning is how to best ‘do’ Christmas this year for them? Any advice from people who have been through this at this time of year would be so helpful, or if you’re a counsellor/ psychologist who has helped people through grief, would love you go to pointers for the children.
Thank you, all x

So very sorry for your loss. It really is awful time to lose a loved one. My own grandma died suddenly on Christmas Eve. Christmas was just a blur for me.
When my grandchildren were about 7 and 9 their maternal grandad died. My son, their dad, and I took them to light candles in the local church. We weren’t regular church goers but usually had taken kids to church at Christmas. It seemed to help to do that simple thing. Christmas will be hard this year and probably the next few years.
Do take care and look after yourselves.

Boomer55 · 13/12/2025 10:17

A few years back, my mum was dying for days before Xmas, and died on Boxing Day. My Dad was in bits.

We just did the best we could, for the grandchildren/great grandchildren, but it was very low key.

Sorry for your loss xx

Lennonjingles · 13/12/2025 10:39

So sorry for your loss. My Dad died just before Christmas a few years ago and we did Christmas Day the same, as he loved spending the day with us all, he said it was his favourite day, I told my teenagers we would do our best to enjoy it as that’s what he would want. I did have to go upstairs for a cry, especially when Strictly came on, his favourite show.

KimberleyClark · 13/12/2025 10:56

I’m so sorry for your loss. My DMIL died at the end of November 10 years ago. I was poleaxed with grief. As we were preparing to leave her house and go home (a four hour drive) after the funeral I got the strongest feeling she was urging us to get going and get home and have a lovely Christmas together.

This Christmas won’t be easy for you but concentrate on the happy memories.

Brookiecookie · 13/12/2025 11:20

Not the same, but my DMIL died not long before my sons 15th birthday and the funeral was after her birthday. She'd already brought him a present. We decided to give that to him a couple of days before his birthday to allow him time and space to feel sad and think about her and know she loved him, bit away from the actual day. Worked for us, bit everyone is different.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 13/12/2025 11:22

My dad died a week before Christmas when my son was small (10) and we still did Christmas but I found it was a lot less stressful as I was only focussed on our small family. My ex BiL lived away and came to stay because I didn’t want him alone but I later found out he had a serious gf he’d kept quiet and I was angry he’d intruded on my grief - I’d have preferred to have just been my own family. My son was obviously sad after his grandad died but it’s amazing how resilient children are and we always say that Christmas made us appreciate each other & I’ve never stressed about Christmas dinner or anything since… his funeral was 30th Dec and weirdly it was a lovely New Year’s Eve we almost lost had together the next night. Whilst the year was sad, there was a lot of love too… so my advice would be to keep it simple and loving.. your MIL wouldn’t want to make everyone miserable I’m sure - so it’s not wrong to be festive as well as grieving.. but do it whatever way you all want to do it… you may want to eat differently so you’re not missing someone at the table.

Howdidlifegetsobusy · 13/12/2025 11:31

last year my friend lost her husband just before Christmas. We all scrabbled to do things like get gifts and a tree for the kids etc.

this year we have been doing things to make happy memories and things their dad would of loved to do. They are going away for Christmas this year.

In terms of counselling, please make sure your husband gets referred too. My friend is still having councelling now via hospice team, and kids too.

My mum lost her mum at Christmas when we were kids. She couldn’t handle Christmas for many years afterwards, and we used to go away instead - so may be something to explore with your husband next year.

Butterbeanbutterbo · 13/12/2025 11:38

The charity ‘child bereavement Uk’ has some helpful resources and advice. I would recommend following them on Facebook if you’re on Facebook, as they post simple little snippets of advice or links to other things. One is around the ‘puddles’ theory of grief for children - so (like others have said), they will be in and out of sad and difficult feelings like jumping in and out of puddles

CabernetAndCocoMelon · 13/12/2025 11:40

Sorry for your loss op. Really heartbreaking. Could you start a Christmas tradition in her honour? It might give the children an emotional outlet and something positive to focus on. Encourage them to talk about her in a positive way and remember her. Maybe they could write cards for her every Christmas?

Oldandgreyer · 13/12/2025 11:49

Sympathies.
My dad died on 19th December. My sister's child went out for a birthday celebration as planned. Christmas was quiet but it still happened about the same. We had known he was very ill though.
The funeral was almost 30 days after which was excruciating.

You don't stop living, but allow everyone time to grieve and expect tears at Christmas dinner, or at least people opting to leave the table to fetch something and take slightly longer than normal.