DMIL suddenly passed away yesterday

[P1nkskies]

posting here for traffic-

My wonderful MIL died suddenly yesterday, my DH was with her. Such a shock and we are devastated.
We have 2 children (12 and 9) who were really close to her (cried themselves to sleep last night).
I’m doing my Christmas shopping for them this morning with tears just rolling down my cheeks.
The question running through my head this morning is how to best ‘do’ Christmas this year for them? Any advice from people who have been through this at this time of year would be so helpful, or if you’re a counsellor/ psychologist who has helped people through grief, would love you go to pointers for the children.
Thank you, all x

The day after my OH died I went to my DGD's birthday party. She was 7. I felt it was important to keep that normality. She was not told of his death till the next day, at my request, as I wanted her to have that bit of fun before being loaded with sad news. The adults there knew of course and there were gentle hugs behind the scenes that helped me through. I held it together - lord knows how!

My DD has just lost her MIL and they have a tradition of each family member buying a new Christmas ornament for the tree each year. There is one on there that represents my OH - a Tunnocks teacake! - he loved them. And they have chosen one for MIL this year and it has pride of place on the tree, and will like my OH's appear each year to symbolise their continued presence in our hearts.

Maybe you could have your children choose something like this?

My mum died before Christmas and it was agonising. She was the ultimate Christmas girl and the favourite person in my children’s lives apart from us haha. We miss her so much.

you go and do a gentle version of Christmas, we did the whole lot but with minimal decorations because it didn’t feel right and the kids understood that, but we made loads of effort dialled down on the Christmas carols, raised a glass Xmas day and did the best we could. I actually found having a structure was helpful and was able to get on autopilot to some extent.

in the new year I took my youngest to grief counselling.

you can get through it but it’s bloody hard. I highly recommend just getting away next Christmas though because the first one you’re in shock; second Christmas was actually much harder.

We bought a special piece of jewellery - circa necklace of an animal Nana loved and we all knew.
The boys although young got cufflinks of the same animal and a soft toy ^ theyw ere all small.

The younger ones all thoguht Nana had bought them for them, the teens knew otherwise but they all wear the cufflinks and necklaces at Xmas and other times now 15 years down the line and they all talk about Nanas last present to them.

It was a crap Xmas though there is no getting away from that -lot of tears hugs and alot of toasts to her

As others have said, just go with the flow. The kids need to know that it's still ok for them to be excited about Christmas. Does DH have siblings or will he be the only one who has to deal with all the 'stuff'?

This.
This is lovely and absolutely right.
The first Xmas without my MIL was really hard. She absolutely loved Xmas and always make it special so we all felt the "missing piece".
I'm sorry for your loss OP

This quote from @Goatinthegarden is a very good one to keep in mind@P1nkskies and, I think it bears repeating: "Your mother in law wouldn’t want them to have a somber Christmas and it’s important that they have that communicated to them and know that they are allowed to enjoy the season. Otherwise Christmas may well become something they feel guilty celebrating and hold bad memories. It is ok for them to know you and your husband are grieving, but they shouldn’t feel worried about either of you".

Also I personally thought that to go shopping with the DCs and choose a special ornament in honour of their DG, is a lovely, and meaningful one, something they can do to show their love.

I'm so very sorry for your family's great loss OP, Your DMIL sounds like such a lovely person xx

My sincere condolences to you all 💐What a shock.

I have skipped a couple of pages on here so I do apologise in advance if someone has suggested this,but do have a word with their schools on Monday and give them the heads-up.They may also be able to signpost you to child bereavement services and may have mentors who can chat with your DCs.
Thinking of you ❤️

Edited for typos

I have no words of advice but wanted to say we are walking the same road.
My mum died completely unexpectedly just over a week ago.
I have no idea what Christmas is going to look like. We are taking it day by day and when that is too much, hour by hour.
Lots of sympathy.

Sending a handhold.

We lost my MiL just before Christmas two years ago. Though sudden, she’d been poorly a long time. We asked our kids what they’d like to do for Christmas as the original plan was to be at home - they asked to spend time with their other grandparents. Without hesitation my parents saved our Christmas. They took over - in the most loving way we could ever imagine at such a difficult time. I’m not one to like things being taken over but honestly, it was exactly what my husband needed. It allowed us time to process everything, take care of the arrangements, all the while knowing my parents were supporting us all. We spoke to the kids’ school & their head teacher gave me a hug & said, “We’ll keep them busy here while you do what you need to at home”. Unfortunately, we’ve navigating grief again having lost my dear FiL last month. Our kids take great comfort in talking about their grandparents & have asked my husband lots of questions about what he did at Christmas as a child with his parents. They love hearing these stories. My thoughts are with you while you navigate this as a family. Don’t be afraid to ask others for help x

My Grandma died at the start of December a few years ago and DFIL in mid-December 2 years ago with his funeral falling between Christmas and New Year.

You have to accept that this year (and n the next few) won’t feel the same.

Try and be flexible and low-key around plans and see how much people want to join in, but also try and keep things as close to normal for your DC as you can.

This must be an incredibly hard time - Model healthy expression of feelings for your kids, cry and smile through the day, grieve her, celebrate her and practice gratitude - so important the kids understand that happy and sad feelings co-exist.

So sorry for your loss ❤️ My mum died on 5th December so we are navigating this currently. We have done all the admin bits and its a bit more complicated that i was estranged from my mum for about 9 years due to her alcoholism. We were with her for a week in hospital/hospice while she was poorly and then she passed away.
My mum wasn’t really involved in our Christmas’s but this year does feel different and my brain is mush. If I don’t write things down then it gets forgotten so I would say practically that lists of things to do maybe helpful for you. Also the physical symptoms of grief have knocked the wind out of me. Sleeping at the wrong time, not much appetite, random crying so might be worth thinking about making some xmas things easier for yourself and DH. Sending love ❤️

I imagine her DH who is an adult is also incredibly worried about how two CHILDREN might be managing the loss of their grandmother.

Everyone reacts differently, so feel your way through it moment to moment, then day by day. You could ask the children what they’d like to do on the day & how would they like to honour her? Candle? Write her a letter? Draw a picture/be creative? Bake her favourite thing. Or just be sad & live in the moment at this very raw, first point. Grief counselling doesn’t normally begin until 3-6 months after because we’re just in shock to begin with, you can’t really start processing it yet (Kate @ Blue Waves Counselling)

I would still do presents as it will be a nice distraction for them, but Id probably change Christmas dinner this year. I found the first Christmas without my grandad horrible (the empty seat at the dinner table) even though he passed away in the July. I would probably do a buffet instead. We always played Cluedo at Christmas with my Grandad but I think the first year we just watched a film in the evening instead, it all felt too raw! The second year it was easier to go back to the usual traditions and talk about my grandad and happy memories even though he was still missed.

My DF died a couple of weeks before Christmas several years ago.

Everything was very robotic over Christmas - we just tried to keep going as usual on Christmas Day, with immediate family only.

It was not a great Christmas, but time heals - just do what you can.

I’m like this too -

My dad died on Christmas Day last year following a short illness. We got the call as we were finishing cooking the lunch. It was just awful. But we still had a lovely meal together and raised a glass to dad.

We went through the motions last Christmas, trying to keep our usual activities and traditions for the sake of the children. But it was very hard and very sad.

It feels weird this year, remembering all the timelines of last year. But our hearts are in it again.

All to say, it will be a sad one for you this year but there will still be lovely moments.

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

Back in 1999, my Grandad died of a huge heart attack in the early hours of New Year’s Eve. I was only 10 years old. We saw him the night before and were all excited for the ‘extra special’ New Year’s Eve party we had planned for the Millenium. I woke up in the morning to find out my dad had rushed to the hospital as my Nan had woken up to find him gone in bed. Needless to say the rest of the day was incredibly hard - parties and fireworks going off everywhere with people celebrating, whilst our whole world had changed and we had lost someone we loved dearly.

Even though there is no good time for a loved one to pass, unfortunately this time of year is very hard as it is a constant reminder of being with family and loved ones, and everyone is expected to feel full of joy. Unfortunately this year won’t be the Christmas you imagined for your family, but my main advice is just be together and comfort one another. Try to celebrate in the ways you know best, but know that It’s okay to cry and let out the emotion when you need to.

Another person walking that road here too
My very lovely father in law died last week.
I've no idea what we will do.

Be led by your Husband and children, they might want to have a quiet day or they might want to try to have things the same as usual (possibly because that's what your MiL would have wanted), it won't be 'as usual' but it can be close enough to give them comfort in the familiar things that happen.

My dad died 5 days before Christmas. We just did things as normal. Referred to him as normal. Even had prawn cocktail as that was his favourite starter. Recognise it's going to be different but we still had a nice Christmas despite and actually was quite the distraction. We even had some laughs and tears as we found presents he had bought which were histerical and inappropriate

We’ve been through this twice unfortunately with MIL and FIL. As awful and devastating as it is, you need to try and keep it as normal and as fun as possible for the children.

Our girls were 18 months and 7 when FIL passed away. And 15 & 9 when MIL passed. Both times were as horrific as each other. My husband was of course devastated but I had to try and salvage something for the kids. So we still did gifts, met up with family, smiled as much as we could, then decompressed after it was over.

Things will never be the same but it does get better, please take comfort in that. Remember her as much as you can. Close the door, do your crying and reminiscing as a family. It’ll all work out and kids are so resilient. It’s healthy to cry in front of them and not be brave. They will be hurting too and need to get it out. Just make it as special as possible and remember her in everything you do xx sending lots of love xx

The way you talk about her tell me you had a wonderful relationship with her. So sorry for your loss. The children would get through it by talking. Talk to them about the wonderful times you had together, share memories and jokes, include her in your conversations as much as you can. Tell them she is watching over your family if you are religious. Is hard I know as is still fresh but when my grandmother passed away we all took the piss of her failed cooking attempts at Christmas lunch and a phone rang right at that minute but no missed call apeared. someone I think my aunt said be careful what you say as she can hear us all now" we ended up pissing ourself laughing and waiting for the ceiling lamp to fall on our heads! This is the way she would have wanted us, laughing not crying.