Don't know what to do with elderly mum this weekend

[Soashamed60]

Sorry for lengthy post: my mum is a widow, with bad nerves & high level anxiety. Since my dad died she has made no effort in creating another life for herself & relies on us all for her entertainment & company. We've got used to this & manage to work it out.
She only has one day in the week where she is completely on her own all day & night, but due to stuff going on she's had company every day this week.
She is supposed to come to our house this weekend but my dh has the flu. I dont want her to come. Everybody else is busy so it's either us or nothing.
I've felt a bit of a push back on this. As she had the flu/covid jab in the autumn she says she'll be ok coming here. She's had a cough/cold on & off since the jab but it's died down a bit. Even though she's had the jab she could still get another bad cold couldnt she, just in time for Xmas?
Dh says he doesn't mind. She just sits on the settee all weekend & has her meals, so not in the way really. Even though she's no trouble I still feel like dh deserves a mil free weekend whilst he has the flu, with me looking after him. It's his house too.
I think it's best if we all keep our distance to minimise the risk of recatching it in time for Xmas. Aibu to my mum?

YANBU.
Does she want to end up in hospital by next weekend? It's all over the News that many of the patients with flu have been vaccinated. It sounds as if you need to be the sensible one in this.

How long ago did your dad die? If it is weeks, then I think your mum should be able to come to yours. If it is years, maybe you can suggest other things for her to do.

You go to her for the day instead.

I’d keep your mum away. For her own sake rather than for your dh ( although I appreciate what you say about the MIL free weekend).

Just because she’s had the jab/s doesn’t mean she won’t get this flu. The vaccine being less effective is a reason for the large numbers of people infected this year. Your mum being elderly puts her at increased risk of severe symptoms for which she may need to be hospitalised. Not worth the risk. YANBU.

Agree with @Pearlstillsinging Just remind her the flu she’s been vaccinated against isn’t the same flu that is going around and could put her in hospital

The flu shot is only 50% effective in preventing flu and 70% at keeping people out of hospital. She is highly likely to catch it and then be absolutely miserable. Also a friend of mine caught flu A last weekend had the highest temp I have ever seen, I took it 6 times as I was sure something was wrong with the thermometer. He was 40.6, and he was a young, fit ish 20 something. This year’s flu variety isnt something to be messed with.

@parietal he died of covid 5 years ago. Nothing will change re her not relying on us. She gets bored on her own but will not do anything to change, despite having had counselling. She's normally on her own one day a week, but hasn't been on her own at all this week because of Xmas events going on that we have taken her to; so I don't see what difference moving her "alone" day to the weekend makes. Dd & family were also supposed to visit so it would be a nice weekend, but we've told them to stay away too. I think my dh deserves the house to ourselves whilst he's ill, with me making his meals, even though she's not actually any trouble.

Is she close enough that you can pop across for lunch? Cook something at home for dh and then take yours and mums share across to hers and eat together? Or would she go out for a wander and a lunch out with you?

@OneGreySeal well i probably will go on Sunday for a short time as I'm keeping my distance from dh. So this would only leave her without company on today.
I think this is perfectly reasonable considering she gets so much from us all normally; and the fact she just will not try to do anything independant or improve her life. Physically she still could. It's all down to us, so I think dh deserves to have his house & me to himself whilst he's ill.

How close does she live

@NewUserName2244 & @Rafting2022 she lives 30 miles away. She has plenty of ready meals in her freezer to tide her over when she's on her own. As we're just moving her "alone" days from the week to this weekend instead I don't think I'm being mean for leaving her on her own today

You can be contagious with flu a day before showing symptoms.
What do you mean by 'keeping your distance' from your husband? If you're in the same house/same rooms then you could be infected because it's airborne - he's exhaling infectious particles which float in the air and are inhaled by others in the same place. Unless you’ve had your windows open and/or are running a HEPA air purifier or DH is wearing an N95 mask or staying isolated in one room which you haven’t entered.
So, if you see your mum this weekend, make it outside or in a very well ventilated place, and preferably with you wearing a tightly sealed mask (KN95 or N95 preferably) to avoid infecting her if you are potentially yet to show symptoms. If your husband is not isolating inside your house I would not be bringing her to yours unless you have ventilated it for a few hours beforehand to flush out infectious viral aerosols.

@AussieManque keeping my distance as in sitting other end of the room if he's downstairs & I'm sleeping in another bedroom

Sitting at the other end of the room to him won't stop you inhaling his exhaled viral particles. Imagine he was smoking. If you can smell his smoke, you are sharing the same air. So there's a chance you could be infectious.
I really wouldn't risk infecting your mum.

Shes not physically dependent on you, so no, leave her to it. Grown adults can't be guaranteed company every single day. There's nothing wrong with her, she just doesn't like being alone. I also think that if nothing changes, nothing changes. Maybe in the new year make it every other weekend?

Hell no YANBU. It’s completely reasonable that your Dh should have his recovery without his MIL in the house, and I would want to be around someone with flu.

i mean I would want to be in the house myself to take care of my husband in these circumstances.

Im sorry but it gives me the shivers to imagine becoming so dependent and invalid that I’m incapable of entertaining myself for an unexpected day alone.

I agree with this. It's lovely you've all rallied around her in her grief but this is ludicrous. She can of course be alone for a day, flu house or not. You're allowed to need a breather yourself x

She will be fine. Your priorities have temporarily changed and if she can’t or won’t understand that, it means you unfortunately have a very self-centred person in your life.

Everything you say, EVERYTHING, makes sense. This weekend you would like to prioritise your unwell husband, and protect your mum from catching a potentially dangerous virus. She can put up whatever counter-arguments she likes, but you have decided what you would like to do. You are allowed to do it.

@Newyearsameme26 it's like pulling teeth trying to get her to change. Me & my sister manage to work things out so that she spends alternate weekends with either one of us, & mon-thurs is split between us. Fridsy she's on her own usually, but wasn't yesterday. This weekend is my turn & sister is away.
I think she'll just have to suck it up. You can catch cold/flu from anywhere of course, but the risk should be minimised imo.

I have the vaccine every year and still managed to end up in A&E last year eith the ‘flu as I was just so ill. Having the vaccine does not mean you won’t catch the ‘flu or that she won’t be very ill.

How old is she op? If she is physically and mentally able I would back off a bit. You have built up a care system around her as if she has dementia or is physically disabled, and one day she could require this level of care, but right now she is actually fine, so try and claim some of your lives back while you can.

Yanbu. Its likely you could have the flu germs from being in the same house, jab or not she can still catch it. tell her you don’t want her in hostipal with flu over christmas or worse her dying from the flu and having it on your conscience for the rest of your life. Your being sensible. I would do the same.

It seems very sensible that she doesn’t visit when someone has a contagious disease.

Unless she has actual care needs then she just needs to suck it up and watch a nice tv series or go for a walk or whatever to fill in her time. If she was frequently alone for long periods I would feel very sorry for her. But one day is really not much!

You are disabling her by taking care of everything while she is physically and mentally capable of looking after herself.

You need to start putting your needs first otherwise your Mum’s old age is going to be very long and painful. It’s not going to get easier.