To accept this much from ex or is it fair enough?

[Tttunrp]

Ex has never had DD overnight. She’s now nearly 4. This is his choice in that he chose to move away and so can only see her one day a week (usually a Saturday or Sunday). Sometimes it can go two weeks without him seeing her at all but that’s unusual.

He wasn’t around much at all as baby as she was mostly breastfed and I don’t think he knew what to even do. He has a good relationship with her now and he will take her out for the day or build furniture she needs (in my home) or take her to dance class if he’s around on a Saturday. I don’t tend to spend time with him unless it’s something specific like a recent dance show or DD’s birthday.

me and ex have quite full on jobs. Over the years I’ve asked him if he would do more as it was massively straining my work to do all nursery drop offs and basically all care for DD all week and work full time too. Nothing ever really changed and it’s always been left to me.

Anyway getting to the point. One time during an argument a year or so ago I was saying all the pressure is on me and it’s not fair and that he doesn’t even know what it costs to run her home. His response was well what do you want more money? So I said yes if that’s all you can offer and I said 500 extra will help.

Since that day he’s paid me 1,250 a month. I happened to mention this to my friend recently when she was asking about childcare costs and how I afforded it. She was gobsmacked I was taking more than all of DD’s costs (at this time obviously DD’s ore school cost is minimal). I didn’t get into it much further as I felt really offended and upset by what she said as she’s not a single parent so I don’t think she gets the stress but I also haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Have I been really shit accepting this? I didn’t think he would pay more and then when he did I just didn’t say anything. It’s true he probably is paying it because he thinks that’s what it costs.

I am so conflicted as on one hand I feel like I do everything so if I have some spare and want a decent takeaway or whatever without worrying then I should be able to. The other part of me feels like im taking what isnt really fair. I just don’t know. I do save some of the extra for DD in a savings account of around 100 a month. Would you tell him it’s too much?

Dear God don't feel guilty. He does none of the daily grind of parenting and his future career prospects aren't impacted like yours are. He can obviously afford it so crack on.

What is his salary? That is really the benchmark in terms of what he should be paying.

You asks him for help and he decided to chuck money at the problem to make it go away.
Take the money, but don’t rely on it because if he meets someone else and has more kids you know he’ll be pleading poverty in a heartbeat.

If he’s happy to pay why are you questioning it?
He obviously can afford it and this allows your daughter a standard of living she would have benefited from if you were together.

He gets to take part in her life in the nice uncle role without having to do be a proper parent. Anyway it’s all relative to income.
Main advice I’d give is don’t discuss your finances with other people. It’s amazing how jealous people get.

I would do the CMS calculation to find out what he should be paying and ask him for that. If he is happy to pay you £1,250 a month then of course keep taking it! It’s money to make his child’s life better and you of course deserve it

Oh yes.
They all do this.

The cms calculator comes out at 870.

I'd be putting an amount away if possible. As said things can change, more children come along etc and older children are expensive. The CM is minimal, if he can afford it, he should be paying it.

I would have absolutely no guilt qualms issues nada zilch... he's getting off lightly, parenting is hard, he's effectively paying so he doesn't have to do it

It depends on his income really, if he is broke as a result then it’s not fair but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case? Presumably that’s in line with his income.

Just because us single mums in general are used to getting fuck all from the dads that doesn’t mean that’s all we should expect. Presumably he’s on a decent salary so he can afford it then it’s fair enough.

FWIW I get no maintenance at all, for 2 kids.

But I agree to save some of the money and not rely on it.

@cadburyegg he may have had a pay rise since I last knew the figures but last I knew him paying me 1,250 a month basically made mine and his income almost identical (I came away with around 300 more)

So he pays £1,250 pcm for a 24/7 nanny service and zero other costs. Sounds like a bargain to me!

Why would you feel guilty. Use the money to make your and your daughter's life better. As her main carer your wellbeing matters too
And stop telling people how much as it's absolutely none of their business.

Don’t feel bad. How much would he be spending on her (as in her home, her holidays, the car she rides in every day) if you were together? Why shouldn’t still pay that, and more as he is contributing minimal time and effort! He’s probably still saving money and not having to do any effort either.

Your daughter costs a lot more than just her Nursery fees! You use power to keep her warm, clean and well-fed you feed and clothe her, transport and entertain her, all of which adds up. Ex can obviously afford to pay and prefers that to spending more time with his daughter. Let him pay.

You house her, clothe her, feed her, keep her warm … the cms calculation is only a fraction of half of the real cost of raising a child. Plus your earning potential takes a hit.

Your friend just hasn’t done the sums.

It shouldn’t be a race to the bottom. You have a bigger home as a result of your shared child, you buy clothes - I’m guessing you pay for the dance class? As she gets bigger and starts school (unless she has?) there will be holiday childcare. What you have is what you should have. And yes, of course he’s likely to have had a pay rise. For all you know he’s got that figure from the CMS calculator himself.

Paying fuck all for your children as a non-resident Dad has become utterly socially normalised. Don’t feel guilty. But also, don’t share the figure again.

He is paying for his child AS HE SHOULD

If he’s paying £500 more than what the CMS says then I think that’s a bit different than him paying what he should. That’s quite a lot more.

Is it less than she spends do you think? On housing costs heating costs food activities clothes Transport ect? Why shouldn't father's pay for their children? CMS isnt enough to do anything anyway it's no where near what they cost and he contributes absaloutey nothing else and the state would quite likely have pick up the tab if he didn't. The trouble here is people are used to men being failures.

• Netmums (2025): The 0-4 stage costs £166,966, averaging over £41,700 annually, highlighting nursery as the main expense.

In that case you are being unreasonable. Very.

He offered Op more money to absolve himself of any of the day to day parenting and she took it. What's unreasonable about that?

Of course it’s reasonable. CMS isn’t anywhere near the costs / eg nursery in London is £2000 a month. It’s money for his child and fair enough.

Can you manage on less? If you CAN, then I'd suggest putting any extra aside for a rainy day/ when he decides he's overpaying/ when your daughter is older. I have no problem with him giving you more than the CMS dictates as the minimum, but remember that the money is for your daughter, not for "you".

He'd obviously rather pay you more than pitch in and do his fair share of actual parenting so I wouldn't feel bad at all. You're the one juggling work and having a child so yes you should be able to get a takeaway or whatever you want!