To accept this much from ex or is it fair enough?

[Tttunrp]

Ex has never had DD overnight. She’s now nearly 4. This is his choice in that he chose to move away and so can only see her one day a week (usually a Saturday or Sunday). Sometimes it can go two weeks without him seeing her at all but that’s unusual.

He wasn’t around much at all as baby as she was mostly breastfed and I don’t think he knew what to even do. He has a good relationship with her now and he will take her out for the day or build furniture she needs (in my home) or take her to dance class if he’s around on a Saturday. I don’t tend to spend time with him unless it’s something specific like a recent dance show or DD’s birthday.

me and ex have quite full on jobs. Over the years I’ve asked him if he would do more as it was massively straining my work to do all nursery drop offs and basically all care for DD all week and work full time too. Nothing ever really changed and it’s always been left to me.

Anyway getting to the point. One time during an argument a year or so ago I was saying all the pressure is on me and it’s not fair and that he doesn’t even know what it costs to run her home. His response was well what do you want more money? So I said yes if that’s all you can offer and I said 500 extra will help.

Since that day he’s paid me 1,250 a month. I happened to mention this to my friend recently when she was asking about childcare costs and how I afforded it. She was gobsmacked I was taking more than all of DD’s costs (at this time obviously DD’s ore school cost is minimal). I didn’t get into it much further as I felt really offended and upset by what she said as she’s not a single parent so I don’t think she gets the stress but I also haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Have I been really shit accepting this? I didn’t think he would pay more and then when he did I just didn’t say anything. It’s true he probably is paying it because he thinks that’s what it costs.

I am so conflicted as on one hand I feel like I do everything so if I have some spare and want a decent takeaway or whatever without worrying then I should be able to. The other part of me feels like im taking what isnt really fair. I just don’t know. I do save some of the extra for DD in a savings account of around 100 a month. Would you tell him it’s too much?

What he gives you is between you and him, you shouldn't need to discuss it. The CMS is the bare minimum an absent parent should be paying not a target. If he's happy to pay it and it brings up you child's standard of living then why not.

If he's got such a high paying job, he is going to be literate enough to use the calculator himself if he wants to. OP doesn't need to be doing admin for him. If he wants to pay more than the bare minimum, he can!
OP can use some of it to buy in help and pay for things to be done in the house so that she gets to have a rest at some point. Some men wouldn't support this, others can't afford to financially, most would give their time not their money.
It is a slightly unusual set up but he isn't offering OP money or more help, he's only offering the money. So she should take it and get on with raising their daughter!

I’m going against the grain here but I think that is an absurd amount of CM for one child.

He could always have his child more to give OP a break.

Childcare is expensive.

Take the money, he obviously knows you’re carrying the day to day load and is effectively buying his way out of it.

I wouldn’t be bothered tbh, if you have excess pop it into a savings account for little one. Sure CMS is just the bear minimum that has to be paid.

Don’t feel guilty. You’re helping him to progress his career with you being the full time caregiver for your joint daughter. He sounds like a fairly high earner if he can give you £1250 a month so don’t be ashamed to ask for it to be reviewed further down the line when expenses rise. Also remember that you need to provide a larger home for your DD, all of which incur higher costs eg higher utilities/higher council tax and so on. He needs to contribute his fair share, as he would if you were still together.

Don't give it another thought. Get on with enjoying your life with your DD.

and maybe consider not listening too closely to a friend who has their own context, their own axe to grind and is happy to guilt-trip you. Ignore them.

You both have an arrangement that works for your daughter. It is no one else’s business.

So what? It doesn't account for all the hours you put in that he doesn't. You and your child are not mere calculations in a flawed system. Let him pay that or more for as long as you can. Put any excess into a savings account in case he stops paying.

Based on everything you have said, please keep taking the money. He had a choice to help out more practically rather than financially and declined. He offered more money and agreed to the sum.

It's not good for kids to see mum stressed out (or mum of course!) so if the money helps to lighten your load I really think.you should keep it!

Your friend's reaction couldn't be more irrelevant.

That would barely cover nursery fees and I don’t think it’s too much at all. It’s probably a much more realistic figure than CMS come up with given costs for accommodation, energy bills, transport, food, clothing, clubs, holidays, childcare, etc. I would save as much as I could in case he rolled it back at some point, and I wouldn’t make any financial decisions that relied on it (such as using it in a mortgage application), but he is getting high quality childcare, flexible access, and doesn’t have to carry any of the mental load (dentist/doctor appointments, arranging play dates, sorting out presents for birthday parties, etc.). I think he’s actually got a bit of a bargain.

This really, you said you were overwhelmed doing it all. He didn't want to share the load so gave more money so you could sort it. No guilt. He obviously preferred to pay more for you to cope or outsource stuff. I think his thought is what this PP said.

It would be better if this was more common, when people dont want to split care to enable the primary parent to do it or outsource the other parents bits. (Childcare, clubs etc) if he did split care more, he would probably be paying for childcare when hes working, so hes given that to you instead.

What an odd thing to post. This is the child’s mother, who is 50 percent responsible, she is not hired help.

You are only being unreasonable by telling others about this personal information. Stop sharing with nosy Nancy and the like, nobody asks this with pure intention.

He is paying you the extra because it suits him OP. Don't feel guilty and don't bring it up again.

But it's the other 50% of responsibility he wants to offload. His 50%, not her 50%.

That would cost him a fortune at market rates. He's getting a good deal.

Your friend is not acting like a friend. The financial arrangements between you and your child’s father are none of her business, and if you do mention them, then she should be supportive of you. Being a lone parent with a dad who is not fully involved is bloody hard work, physically, mentally and emotionally. And he is willing and able to pay to absolve himself of proper responsibility . I would suggest putting some of the extra away though, or overpay mortgage a bit, as his circumstances may change.

when someone quotes a poster, it means they are responding to the poster they quoted. I am responding to the person who said he was paying for a 24/7 nanny. 24/7 means 100 percent. It is 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I pointed out it was 50 percent.

i am genuinely dismayed I have to explain that.

Even though he can clearly afford it? Why shouldn’t the parent who does absolutely everything for her child receive the money that the absent parent is prepared to provide in order to absolve himself of any duties and responsibilities and effort?

OP YANBU.

I have brought my DS up alone from day 1, zero financial support, he’s now 15.
Luckily like you I have a well paying job and DS has not missed out over the years on extras like holidays and children’s parties and after school activities/sports/guitar lessons etc but my goodness don’t these things cost.

Bringing up a child and making every decision and having to be there for every school pick up drop off, doctor appointment, every activity, every bedtime, every kids party, always having to provide transport even when you are ill yourself on occasion, etc etc etc is emotionally exhausting and he shares none of that - you asked him to help and he suggested extra money instead. So take it and if that means you get a nicer holiday to relax, or a couple of takeaways instead of cooking, or a cleaner to take up the slack or whatever then yes you absolutely bloody deserve it!

He can obviously afford it however as PP have said things could change in a heartbeat so it’s best to make provision for that if you can.

How much do you think a 24/7 nanny costs?

£1,250 isn't even going to touch the sides of it, let alone get near covering 50% plus expenses.

So it's irrelevant that the OP is 50% responsible. He's still not outsourcing at market rates.

its really very churlish to throw things like heating /power costs around. Its not £500 more a month to have 1 extra person in the house.

But it could easily cost an extra £500 to rent a home with an extra bedroom (ie. The difference between a one and a two bed flat/house).

I don't see the problem if he's prepared to pay that much child support over rather than increase the time he spends being a physically present father to take some of the burden from the child's mother.

and again, the op is responsible for 50 percent, she is the child’s mother. So it is his 50 percent.

good grief.

Your friend is probably jealous, seeing it as “free money”.
if he wants to pay that, then absolutely crack on. But I agree with others that I’d save as much of it as I can in case he changes his mind in the future. People saying YABU are missing the emotional aspects of it. You are responsible for her 24/7, whilst he gets off completely free.

Your ‘friend’ is ridiculous.