To accept this much from ex or is it fair enough?

[Tttunrp]

Ex has never had DD overnight. She’s now nearly 4. This is his choice in that he chose to move away and so can only see her one day a week (usually a Saturday or Sunday). Sometimes it can go two weeks without him seeing her at all but that’s unusual.

He wasn’t around much at all as baby as she was mostly breastfed and I don’t think he knew what to even do. He has a good relationship with her now and he will take her out for the day or build furniture she needs (in my home) or take her to dance class if he’s around on a Saturday. I don’t tend to spend time with him unless it’s something specific like a recent dance show or DD’s birthday.

me and ex have quite full on jobs. Over the years I’ve asked him if he would do more as it was massively straining my work to do all nursery drop offs and basically all care for DD all week and work full time too. Nothing ever really changed and it’s always been left to me.

Anyway getting to the point. One time during an argument a year or so ago I was saying all the pressure is on me and it’s not fair and that he doesn’t even know what it costs to run her home. His response was well what do you want more money? So I said yes if that’s all you can offer and I said 500 extra will help.

Since that day he’s paid me 1,250 a month. I happened to mention this to my friend recently when she was asking about childcare costs and how I afforded it. She was gobsmacked I was taking more than all of DD’s costs (at this time obviously DD’s ore school cost is minimal). I didn’t get into it much further as I felt really offended and upset by what she said as she’s not a single parent so I don’t think she gets the stress but I also haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Have I been really shit accepting this? I didn’t think he would pay more and then when he did I just didn’t say anything. It’s true he probably is paying it because he thinks that’s what it costs.

I am so conflicted as on one hand I feel like I do everything so if I have some spare and want a decent takeaway or whatever without worrying then I should be able to. The other part of me feels like im taking what isnt really fair. I just don’t know. I do save some of the extra for DD in a savings account of around 100 a month. Would you tell him it’s too much?

The CMS calculator is a joke. YABU for even thinking you don’t deserve fair compensation for doing everything for your child. Your career will be taking a hit because of your childcare responsibilities, ditto pension. Don’t forget, at any time he could move the financial goalposts. And never disclose finances with people.

I don't get what's complicated here.

Yes, the OP is responsible for her 50%, but her ex isn't paying enough to cover childcare for the 50% he is responsible for.

@Daisywhatsyouranswersorry I should have been more explicit £1,250 for 50% of a 24/7 whilst not paying nursery fees, food, clothes, provide a large enough house, clothes and activities sounds like a bargain to me.

I'd feel guilty if the amount was putting him in financial hardship, otherwise, take the money!
I get £418 a month from my ex for our two, and that's with him not seeing them at all. But that doesn't mean I think you're getting too much. Doing everything alone is HARD, so enjoy what little extra you get. (Plus, based on another comment I saw, looks like he'd been underpayjng for a while anyway before he started giving the extra £500?)

It’s £380 more not £500.

My ex pays £100 a month for 2 DC that I have full time. They have SEN and my ability to work has been seriously limited. Sounds like OP has a rare ex who is prepared to pay more. Shouldn't be remarkable but it is.