To accept this much from ex or is it fair enough?

[Tttunrp]

Ex has never had DD overnight. She’s now nearly 4. This is his choice in that he chose to move away and so can only see her one day a week (usually a Saturday or Sunday). Sometimes it can go two weeks without him seeing her at all but that’s unusual.

He wasn’t around much at all as baby as she was mostly breastfed and I don’t think he knew what to even do. He has a good relationship with her now and he will take her out for the day or build furniture she needs (in my home) or take her to dance class if he’s around on a Saturday. I don’t tend to spend time with him unless it’s something specific like a recent dance show or DD’s birthday.

me and ex have quite full on jobs. Over the years I’ve asked him if he would do more as it was massively straining my work to do all nursery drop offs and basically all care for DD all week and work full time too. Nothing ever really changed and it’s always been left to me.

Anyway getting to the point. One time during an argument a year or so ago I was saying all the pressure is on me and it’s not fair and that he doesn’t even know what it costs to run her home. His response was well what do you want more money? So I said yes if that’s all you can offer and I said 500 extra will help.

Since that day he’s paid me 1,250 a month. I happened to mention this to my friend recently when she was asking about childcare costs and how I afforded it. She was gobsmacked I was taking more than all of DD’s costs (at this time obviously DD’s ore school cost is minimal). I didn’t get into it much further as I felt really offended and upset by what she said as she’s not a single parent so I don’t think she gets the stress but I also haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Have I been really shit accepting this? I didn’t think he would pay more and then when he did I just didn’t say anything. It’s true he probably is paying it because he thinks that’s what it costs.

I am so conflicted as on one hand I feel like I do everything so if I have some spare and want a decent takeaway or whatever without worrying then I should be able to. The other part of me feels like im taking what isnt really fair. I just don’t know. I do save some of the extra for DD in a savings account of around 100 a month. Would you tell him it’s too much?

He's paying to make his childcare responsibilities disappear, guilt-free. He's getting a good deal for that, I pay my babysitter £20 per hour.

He is obviously capable of checking the cms calculations too if he really wanted to.
he offered to pay money because he can’t be bothered parenting. I wouldn’t feel bad. If he had her full time he would be spending more than that anyway.

So you pay for childcare, activities, clothes and shoes, food, housing, energy? And he pays nothing beyond the money he gives you, as well as having next to no need to arrange work and social life around his child?

Don’t feel bad for a second.

The only thing I’d change is I would not tell anyone how much he pays. Never discuss finances.

CMS is the absolute minimum and a decent parent would be happy to pay more. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your accepting this money.

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks

no he pays 1250 a month for daughters upkeep. Being effectively a full time single parent doesn’t absolve OP of financially supporting her DD as well and she’s openly admitted that it more than fully covers her child costs.

its really very churlish to throw things like heating /power costs around. Its not £500 more a month to have 1 extra person in the house.

it would be interesting to know if OP gets any state benefits for help with being a single parent as that would also affect how much “extra” or not she’s getting.

I think OP is very lucky to have a father for her DD that is financially supportive but I’m sure she’d rather have a father for her DD that is more present.

I would also encourage OP to be saving significantly more if she can towards her daughter’s future - perhaps an equal contribution from both her and dad

Why does it matter what your friend thinks? If you and him are happy with the arrangement then that's all that matters

I just don’t think he is paying that much. It’s all relative to salary of course, but children are expensive. It is also costing you in career growth to be the sole caregiver. If the cms is what you state, that is just the minimum. Paying a bit over is reasonable.

if he is unhappy with the payment, he can go online and check the calculations himself.

Of course you're not unreasonable.

As if anyone doing all the heavy lifting would turn down money freely given. Your friend is ridiculous.

Just make sure you've got savings, an emergency fund, a pension, rather than just spending it on "stuff" if that's possible.

Maybe don’t talk about it with friends? If be shocked at that amount as it’s a lot

So if that's what CMS says then has he been underpaying by £120 a month for the previous years? He wasn't meeting the standard for all of that time? Or has his wage changed significantly?

I don't agree with this. If he is happy to pay, let him. I have been a single parent for many,many years, kids now young adults. Being a single parent is very one-sided. One person's salary to pay the full cost of all bills except 25% off council tax, woop,woop.
Need a car, can't share one, paying as a couple for you and child to go on holiday. Pay a sitter for even going to gym for an hour. Full cost of birthday parties,and usually Christmas with all the activities that involves, wrap around care to work full-time hours. Washing machine breaks down £500 unexpected bill, etc,etc.
Honestly that would have transformed my kids lives if they had a parent who contributed realistically to my kids upbringing. OP money doesn't make up for lack of help as you full well know, but it certainly makes life easier when you don't have to worry about it. 💕

Of course OP should be paying half towards the cost of their child, but the point is the child’s father hasn’t housed her for a single night, never pays to keep her warm in bed, probably feeds her one meal a week, probably isn’t paying towards the ballet class he occasionally takes her to, doesn’t seem to contribute to childcare. So the money he gives OP is in lieu of him having to pay half of all those things, plus extra for not bothering his arse to see his daughter for more than 8 hours a week.

This is absolutely not too much. It's cheaper for him than him doing his share of childcare. Take the money and don't feel guilty for a second.

I think that's fine. It's your career taking the hit and it's not much over what he's meant to pay anyway. Fairest would be doing half and half so you could both reach your full earning potential.

He’s got a full time nanny at a total bargain. Don’t feel guilty in the slightest

It doesn’t sound in any way excessive, but if you do think it’s more than you’re spending on your daughter just invest the extra for her for when she’s older.

for some reason I didn’t see your post about the CMS amount but my opinion doesn’t change. The CMS amount is just a blunt tool, doesn’t take into account his outgoings. Someone who has very high housing/car finance/credit card costs on that salary may still find the CMS amount too much but someone who has no housing costs due to inheriting a property (for example) may well be able to afford that and more.

I agree CMS is absolute minimum, just save what you can because potentially it can drop at any point.

Like I said I don’t receive any maintenance but my ex does have our kids EOW and some holidays so I do get a break. It must be very hard op for you to have basically 100% of the responsibility no matter what the financial situation. Use some of the CMS money for a babysitter once in awhile!

In my experience, the CMS calculator is too high (and was told this by a member of CMS), so yes he's paying a lot more than you would get if you went through them. It is really hard being a single parent, I never have a night off too. If you are getting more than CMS and feel like you need a break, then use some of that money for a babysitter so you can have a break

Well if he’s willingly handing it over then not a problem. You can give your dd a life she might not otherwise be able to have or match what she would have materially if she had 2 earning adults in the house. I’m also a bit gobsmacked in that it’s more than my monthly salary and my ex who hasn’t paid a penny for the last year and previous to that though he was generous giving me £200 pm for 2 dc but if he turned round tomorrow and offered it I’d bite his hand off. I’d just always prepare to lose it as he could meet someone else, have another child etc. maybe have a savings account you can access rather than just one for dc for this reason

By my calculation that’s around £1.85 contribution for every hour that you look after her.

So, it’s probably more than half of what you spend on looking after her, but significantly less than the cost of him paying someone else to do the same thing.

But, remember that the cost of looking after her isn’t just nursery and food and clothes, it’s also having an extra room in your house, and having the heating on. Plus the lost promotions and bonuses at work because you have to do every drop off, pick up, sick day etc.

I think that this sounds fair. He is spending more money and you are spending more time and you’re raising her together.

The Child Maintaianance calculation is the absolute minimum that an absent parent should be paying. It never covers the true cost of raising a child (for other parent left doing all the work).

So often we hear of absent Fathers who pay the minimum, or nothing. And the Mum is left struggling to make ends meet. It’s refreshing to hear of a Father who actually pays generously for his child.

Yes it’s still shit that he only sees her a few hours a week. But at least he pays for her.

If any money is surplus at the end of the month, put it in a JISA for her.

No, he can afford it it would seem, she's his child. You can then push extra onto quality childcare, term time.activities, holidays together, hobbies, even longer term aims, driving lessons, uni etc, they are part of parenting too, maybe not the 'best bits' Some children live with parents where the main role of one parent is heavily financial. You are obviously the one shouldering more, and as they grow the legal minimum doesn't cover the cost of a child.

I see no issue with this. My husband and I spend far more on our kids and it’s literally the least an absent father should do. I’d try to live on less though as when he finds someone new and has another child he’s going to be quite likely to drop the payments so would be good to have a healthy savings.

The calculator is bare minimum and puts a massive burden on the resident parent so don’t worry about that. Just don’t talk about money with anyone - not their business!

The Dad should be paying 50% of everything eg a proportion of utilities/insurance & mortgage/rent, extra household products (eg due to more washing), child’s food & medicines, toys & books, clothes & shoes, child’s furniture, proportion of transport costs (eg petrol, running costs, car seat), nursery & babysitters, holidays, trips, activities/classes, birthday parties, gifts for her & for friend’s parties.

The fact that OP has money left over doesn’t mean that he’s overpaying as she is allowed to earn enough of her own wage to save for herself and she can save some of the money the Dad gives her for their child.

One poster said that CMS sometimes comes out as too much, which I have never heard anyone else say. It is a small % of the non-resident parent's overall wage and often is nowhere near half the amount that it costs to raise a child.

I know of men that pay nothing, men that just pay CMS & men that pay a reasonable amount above CMS. He is happily paying it & you have no idea how long he will do this for, so I would accept it. It’s a private matter so I wouldn’t tell anyone. I’d just say, if anyone asks, that he pays more than the minimum per CMS and is fairly contributing.

It's not about heating costs etc. It's about OP doing every single drop off, pick up and sick day, which will impact her earning potential (whereas he can progress in his career without worrying about that kind of thing). I would take the money OP and not feel guilty for a minute.