Husband sharing pics when I have asked him not to

[Wandavision2025]

I hate having my photo taken, and always have, as far back as I can remember, whether I looked great, or looked awful. I think part of it might stem from my mum who had a horrible habit off taking photos unexpectedly that always made me look like shit, and then being argumentatively crappy about it if I asked her to stop it. She would launch into a big lecture about me being vain - but in fact it was the absolute opposite I also had really low self esteem about my looks for a long time. It's not that I am vain, I just hate being reminded of all my flaws.

But it I do let people take pictures of me, there are a few every year, family gatherings and whatnot, and even upload a few to a shared group on Google photos.

I have asked my husband repeatedly, for years, not to share pictures of me without letting me see them first. He does it maybe three times a year, it's not all the time. But I want it to be zero times. I want him only to share photos of me if he lets me see them first and say no if I hate them.

And I always find one picture that I can stand and say yes to that. I never exactly like them, but there will be one that's ok that I will say yep, ok, you can send that.

Once, I actually tried embarrassing him into stopping, he uploaded some fugly pictures to a group chat with another family member and I actually posted "I have asked you not to share photos of me without my consent many times. Please stop doing this". He did stop sharing to group chat at least.

I just found out that he has sent another Moonpig card to his mum, as he does every year - if you don't know, Moonpig lets you upload photos to the card, prints it off and posts it to your recipient.

He casually mentioned it and I said I hope you didn't send a picture of me without me seeing it. He admitted he had, said it was a good picture and I said "But why didn't you ask me?" He said "You would have said no". I said that is the point of consent, I have the right to say no.

As it happens, the picture he shared is the one I would have picked, it's ok. But am I wrong to think that is just not the point, at all? I do not say no to all pictures, I would if I thought that was reasonable, but I understand a few pictures a year is probably something I just have to tolerate.

I just want to see them before he sends them and have the right to say no.

How do I get him to stop doing this and understand how wrong it is to keep doing this to someone?

Surely his reasons for upsetting me don't trump my reasons for wanting him to stop? Surely it is my right to ask my own husband to respect my wish to veto photos of myself shared by him? AIBU to think this?

I hate too, OP. Fortunately, myself and my husband don't use social media.
Your post made me quite angry - the only way to be sure 😁 it doesn't happen is to eventually live on your own. Full stop.

Totally agree OP.

I don't even have pictures taken, have refused for years now.

I’m still relatively new to Mumsnet and trying to understand the definition of ‘boundaries’ as they seem to mean different things to different people.

‘Please don’t do that, I don’t like it.’ is OK as a boundary if it’s any type of sexual activity but not to post photos and the person needs to get a grip and get therapy.

Confused. 🤔

I’m 100 per cent with you on this OP. You have told him and told him you want to see the photos before he shares them. It’s really not that hard for him to understand.

I have this agreement with my DH and he sticks to it, as I do with photos of him. Whether you like a pic of yourself is a very personal thing - people can’t just say ‘oh I thought it was a nice photo so I thought it was ok to share’.

Sharing photos of other people without their consent is an invasion of privacy.

She should seek therapy? Because she’s one of the countless millions of people who don’t particularly like seeing an ugly unflattering photo of themselves shared all over the internet without their consent?

Those therapists are going to be in the money for sure.

Does he just think you look lovely in all photos, even if you don't see it?
I think it's just mean of him though to not see how upsetting this is for you.
Could you preempt him by sending him photos you are happy to have shared?

No, because her self esteem is so low it’s affecting her day to day life.

You sound quite self obsessed. Do you find you have a tendency to centre yourself into every situation/ other people’s motivations?

In the grand scheme of things then yes he should accept your wishes, but I think you need to remember that nobody else is analysing how you look in a photo like you are. I’m part of a group of friends who like to take photos on special occasions and post them on instagram and the drama of finding one that everyone thinks they look good in is ridiculous at times. I just say yes to make life easier, regardless of what I think I look like, because I realise that ultimately nobody else notices or cares. I’ve shared a holiday picture (with family) myself today that I don’t much like but it’s the only one in which everyone is smiling so that’s the one.

it is literally about him checking with her which photos he posts.

I hate photos of me, my DH knows that and doesn't post photos without first checking that it's ok. OP is fine to object, she has literally said she is ok if he posts photos as long as he gets her ok

How self absorbed are you that you think everyone is looking out for your flaws? 🤦🏻‍♀️

First, she didn’t strike me as having particularly low self-esteem. Being a bit insecure about appearance is very common. She actually said she does like some photos, just not all.

Secondly, how is objecting to having her unflattering photos shared “affecting her everyday life”? What’s affecting her life is her DH not respecting her clearly stated wish for him not to share photos without checking first.

She doesn’t need therapy, she needs a partner who actually listens.

YANBU, it's a simple request and he should respect your wishes. But personally I find it a little sad that you don't want people to see certain photos incase they notice your "flaws" - I'm sure no one else even notices these things.

I hear you. Mine did the same, but even worse because he would choose pictures that clearly made me look horrible eg with my mouth open chewing food. He would say that others in the photo looked great so he needed to share the photo.

So, I see where you're coming from and agree 98%, especially when it comes to sharing photos online, printing pictures for a photo album, sending photos to grandparents etc. But I do think if it's just one single photo for his mum's Xmas card I'd overlook it, especially as he chose a nice photo. It's his mum after all and he gets to choose the photo for her (unless he actively tries to make you look bad). You may be "right" in theory, but trying to control as tightly as you are is offputting and could be mistaken for obsessive vanity.

This might sound glib, but don’t you think it’s time that you dealt with it properly? Your reaction is completely disproportionate.
You don’t fool yourself that it is normal, you know it’s not- so why not do something about it.

This is a very good way of expressing how I feel too. I have worked on it and got a bit better about being in photos or on video calls but still basically feel that the camera brings out my worst look. I get that others will see this as being over controlling but it is about an emotional response to being reminded of what you don’t like about yourself. As you are willing to have some photos shared then he should meet you halfway by letting you pick which ones.

It's not unreasonable to expect him not to if you asked-on the other hand wanting absolute veto over your own image does seem extreme (meglomaniacs and narcisists only) so I would insist, but I would go and have some counselling about it.

It cant just be applied as a blanket term and compared to rape though can it.
If your child doesnt consent to eating would you let them starve.
They dont consent to going to school... let them stay off.
Dont consent to not running on the road... let them run on it.

Should he respect your wishes? Yes. However, if I were you, and I’m being genuine when I say this, I would talk to somebody, like a professional. This level of obsession and low self esteem can be incredibly damaging to your own view of yourself. If you don’t perceive yourself well it can actually impact how others treat you and although how they treat you is 100 percent their responsibility, how you treat you has a knock on effect to how others treat you. If you want your husband to respect you, you also need to love, respect and value yourself. I’m sure you’re not ‘fugly’, find a friend, journal, therapist, CBT, anything to start loving yourself.

So when a man does something it is about consent when a women he needs to grow a pair of balls and man up which has been said or variations like it on here many many many times

It's ok to not want your image on social media, but you are making too much of a big deal about having your picture taken. The word fugly is so offensive and horrible, you shouldn't use it. You say you aren't vain because you think you are ugly, but obsessing about your looks like that is vain. I always think it's selfish when people refuse to have their picture taken. When you die, people will want to have photos to remember you by. They aren't going to say 'oh this person is fugly I don't care she is dead' so there is an element of selfishness and narcissism to how you are feeling, like everyone's thoughts are always on how you look, when they couldn't give a shit. Are you on the spectrum? I see this a fair bit with autistic women I know.

it IS a blanket term.

We start with young children "no you don't have to kiss weird uncle Steve who stinks of fags and booze" "no you don't have to hug your bully when they are forced to apologise"

OP - you need to be aware when your H is taking photos and put on some of those silly glasses with a fake nose and moustache

but not by me. So 😕

I duno if you've asked him not to then I guess it's out of order that he keeps doing but it dies sound exhausting.

Yabu and really uptight. I can’t imagine being that vain I would need to check what picture my husband had put on a card to his own mother. I would have of thought that as really sweet.