Husband sharing pics when I have asked him not to

[Wandavision2025]

I hate having my photo taken, and always have, as far back as I can remember, whether I looked great, or looked awful. I think part of it might stem from my mum who had a horrible habit off taking photos unexpectedly that always made me look like shit, and then being argumentatively crappy about it if I asked her to stop it. She would launch into a big lecture about me being vain - but in fact it was the absolute opposite I also had really low self esteem about my looks for a long time. It's not that I am vain, I just hate being reminded of all my flaws.

But it I do let people take pictures of me, there are a few every year, family gatherings and whatnot, and even upload a few to a shared group on Google photos.

I have asked my husband repeatedly, for years, not to share pictures of me without letting me see them first. He does it maybe three times a year, it's not all the time. But I want it to be zero times. I want him only to share photos of me if he lets me see them first and say no if I hate them.

And I always find one picture that I can stand and say yes to that. I never exactly like them, but there will be one that's ok that I will say yep, ok, you can send that.

Once, I actually tried embarrassing him into stopping, he uploaded some fugly pictures to a group chat with another family member and I actually posted "I have asked you not to share photos of me without my consent many times. Please stop doing this". He did stop sharing to group chat at least.

I just found out that he has sent another Moonpig card to his mum, as he does every year - if you don't know, Moonpig lets you upload photos to the card, prints it off and posts it to your recipient.

He casually mentioned it and I said I hope you didn't send a picture of me without me seeing it. He admitted he had, said it was a good picture and I said "But why didn't you ask me?" He said "You would have said no". I said that is the point of consent, I have the right to say no.

As it happens, the picture he shared is the one I would have picked, it's ok. But am I wrong to think that is just not the point, at all? I do not say no to all pictures, I would if I thought that was reasonable, but I understand a few pictures a year is probably something I just have to tolerate.

I just want to see them before he sends them and have the right to say no.

How do I get him to stop doing this and understand how wrong it is to keep doing this to someone?

Surely his reasons for upsetting me don't trump my reasons for wanting him to stop? Surely it is my right to ask my own husband to respect my wish to veto photos of myself shared by him? AIBU to think this?

OP, you are so self absorbed. No one fucking cares what you look like except you.

Try unclenching

I never understand why people pose in photographs and then kickoff when they are displayed on social media or sent to others.
step out of photos being taken if you don’t want to be seen in them!

It’s irrelevant if it’s about photos or switching the kettle off. It bothers you and you have asked him not to do it but he continues to. It’s disrespectful.
I have a ‘D’H and he similarly disrespects my wishes too.

Exactly this.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

@Wandavision2025 You are being OTT in insisting you get to scrutinise every photo just to metaphorically airbrush out flaws that I guarantee that only you are perceiving. No one else actually gives a single fuck about how you look.

There is no point engaging with rude posters.

@Wandavision2025

He's being a twat. Humans in loving relationships should respect each other, and he's not respecting you.

For now, simply stop being in the photos.

It needs a proper conversation about respect and boundaries. But he may not listen.

Your husband sounds like a pain in the arse. I couldn't be bothered with this. Why the hell does he have to send cards with photos on? Just send a normal card. It is almost as if he enjoys testing your boundaries. I would continue to state the boundary publicly every single time since that seems to be the only thing that works. If he still does it then choose a boundary of his and cross that every single time and see how he likes it. You are being too passive about this.

You're being very OTT. It's a photo. It's not important.

He understands what you're asking; you've been completely clear and he has managed to cooperate on several occasions in the past (not always). It also sounds like when you asked about the Moonpig card, he immediately knew what your objection was and explained why he ignored your wishes.

He almost certainly doesn't understand WHY you need to approve which images of you he publishes, but he knows it's very important to you and the two of you have worked out a reasonable way to compromise on it. But sometimes he skips that step. Why? Probably because it's a hassle for him, and his immediate wants (just send Mum a pic quickly without spending time discussing it with Wandavision) are more important to him than your comfort in these specific cases.

If you're absolutely sure he understands the distress this causes you (again, he doesn't have to understand WHY it upsets you, just accept that it does and feel he doesn't want to cause you unnecessary pain) then all I can think of to do is make it more uncomfortable for him to send without checking than to check - as you did in the case of the group chat. (I will add, though - without having the full context, it seems odd that he TOLD you he sent a card with a photo to his mum. Depending on how it came up and what exactly he said, I might wonder if he is actually TRYING to hurt you.)

Yanbu.

It doesn't matter what it is or how trivial other people find it, your OH knows this is something that bothers you. He is being an arsehole.

I would set another, very clear boundary. Pictures of you are not to be shared full stop.

I have a friend. If they look good, the picture gets posted to social media. It started with them calling for a selfie and snapping a pic before anyone else was ready. It doesn't matter what other people look like. I mentioned a few times that it bothered me, so did others. I told them to stop or I would do the same. I don't get in on their pics now and offer to take them. They are lovely in other respects, I don't get it.

Legally, the owner of a photo is the person who took it.

privacy restrictions introduced in the U.K. mean that photographers should have consent to take a photo in a situation which is expected to be private,

you do not own your image. Nor does the photographer legally have to get your consent to use it.

in the context of a marriage obviously the situation is somewhat different. You seem to have quite specific information issues with your appearance. You have therefore asked your dh not to use photos of you.

legally you have no right to do this - he doesn’t need your consent to use them at all.

but because he cares for you he’s listening to what you say (mostly).

using a family picture on a moonpig card is something the vast, vast majority of people would see as completely normal and in fact a rather lovely thing to do.

you don’t. Because of your self esteem issues around your appearance.

so in your shoes I’d be saying to him that you find it very difficult and please could he not do this.

Images of you belong to you and shouldn’t be shared with others without your consent.

Actually, images belong to the photographer.

I agreed with you up it’s a card. It’s a card to his mum. It will be uk for a few days, then get binned it out away. You’ll never see it.

I mean this as nice as possible, you really should seek therapy. This is clearly a massive issue for you and it’s really not a big deal.

Your have no pics to look back on.
I know someone that was like this and she now looks back with regret, she had style, she was a punk then a goth.

But always told people no photos etc if she didnt like the pics she would bin them.

Now in her 70s she says she wishes she had photos to show her kids and her grandchildren.
But there's nothing to show.

It's a bloody odd thread where PPs think personal consent only applies to certain things and this particular boundary that OP has should just be ignored because they don't have the same boundary. WTF's the matter with you all?

Your DH just wants to share a nice family photo with his mum who lives abroad - I don't think he's deliberately trying to upset you, though I appreciate it doesn't feel that way to you.

Her consent with her photo being taken is conditional - she agrees with taking a few photos in some situation under the condition she can subsequently select which one will be kept for sharing.

Nice theory, but his mum posted it on FB so the OP has already saw it.

Personal consent does only apply to some things and can sometimes be over-ridden.

eg generally workmen need consent to enter your house but if the gas company suspect a gas leak and immediate danger of houses blowing up they can force entry whether you like it or not.

He should’ve respected your request, but with all the love, you seem really uptight and would get on my wick

Consent is consent. That is why we teach it to VERY young children.

Smashing comparison 👌

When he apologises does he ever say you're beautiful and he wants to share lovely family photos, you do sound a bit controlling but he needs to respect that you don't like it, maybe work on your self esteem, everyone can look fugly in photos.

This is clearly something that is very important to you, and he just doesn’t ‘get’ it. I don’t think he’s being mean, I think he just doesn’t understand the strength of your feelings.

In your shoes, I’d make the message clearer and instead of saying ‘don’t share photos without asking me first’, just ban any photo sharing (of you) whatsoever. Tell him it’s a boundary you are serious about, and he mustn’t show or share ANY photos of you whatsoever. Then he’ll be forced to talk to you on the rare occasion he does want to share one.

Good luck! x

The challenge here is that your preoccupation and level of control over photos is pretty extreme and may indicate deeper issues and it’s starting to impact on your husband.

There was a thread on here a while ago about a person who would only eat certain foods because of a traumatic experience - the husband was increasingly frustrated because it was impacting on how he wanted to live his life. The general consensus was that the OP was being unreasonable to continue to ‘give in’ (my words) to her anxieties, knowing how it constricted her husband’s life.

This feels like a similar situation but in this case the husband every so often, overrides his wife’s wishes. It’s not ideal but it is understandable, you’ve reminded him of your preference again but maybe in the meantime OP you could try and understand his perspective and get some CBT for your own reactions to photos.