I feel like my life is over!

Melocoton · 2025-12-12T19:31:19+00:00

I am a single mum with a teen who is refusing to go to school as she has alopecia. I have to work and changed my job for a lower level job but which has better hours. When i get home, she has been in bed all day so I am cooking and cleaning and trying to do everything to keep the house clean and stocked with food. . I leave her craft activities as she refuses to do any school work ( GCSE year) and she wont engage with MH support on offer or wear the three wigs and numerous hats I have got her! I now find I cant have any friends over or go out ( I am a very sociable person and loved seeing my friends and family.) I get that she is having an awful time and I am so sad for her but she is awful to me despite me trying everything. she has trashed the house and hurt me when she gets angry. I am sat crying on the sofa as some of my best friends are having christmas drinks this evening and i cant join them. she hates people drinking so cant have anything around her. I broke up with a partner of two years who I thought the world of as she refused to accept it and I cant date anyone as she wont acceot it. I am 54 and appreciate I have to sacrifice things for her but I am also feeling so lonely and isolated.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 12/12/2025 19:33

Why can't she stay home while you go see friends? Have you got ss involvement? You can ask for it if you are struggling..

Original poster

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:35

I feel guilty as she is at home all day alone and she hates me going out! she is obviously struggling but she says she feel abandoned.

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ComfortFoodCafe · 12/12/2025 19:35

why cant people come over? Why cant she be left while you go out to see friends? Sorry but your letting her ruin your life - you need to stand up for yourself.

ComfortFoodCafe · 12/12/2025 19:36

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:35

I feel guilty as she is at home all day alone and she hates me going out! she is obviously struggling but she says she feel abandoned.

Shes choosing to stay at home all day though. Youve given her mutiple options that she refuses. Its her choice.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/12/2025 19:38

Oh come on op. Why are you letting her set all the rules?!

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 12/12/2025 19:39

Why does she get to make her own choices yet you don't? Stop being a martyr and get ready to go out.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 12/12/2025 19:39

I feel so sorry for her, but there is literally no point you sacrificing your life like this. It's only going to make her worse.

Go out with your mates, date who you want, bring friends round (within reason) when you want.

Turning the house into depression towers is madness, she needs to see normal life going on.

College might suit her better next year, as she will be making a fresh start. Have you got a referral to Calms?

Original poster

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:41

Divorce guilt I guess but you are right! I was aloowed to go to new job office party last night until 10pm so I guess i feel bad if i went out again tonight but have no other christmas dos as I cancelled them all! I realise I sound like a bit of a victim!

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Runrunrudolph · 12/12/2025 19:41

I know you say she won't engage with mental health support OP but has she seen a GP about the alopecia? It must be devastating for her- I say this as someone who suffers from alopecia but mine didn't manifest itself until I was in my early 50s. It's horrendous for me so I can only imagine how hard it must be for a teenager.
Have you tried seeking advice or support from https://www.alopecia.org.uk ?

Alopecia UK

Charity

https://www.alopecia.org.uk

Original poster

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:42

she wont agree to Cahms, counselling offered by school etc at 16 she has to agree apparantly!

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theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 12/12/2025 19:43

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:41

Divorce guilt I guess but you are right! I was aloowed to go to new job office party last night until 10pm so I guess i feel bad if i went out again tonight but have no other christmas dos as I cancelled them all! I realise I sound like a bit of a victim!

In the nicest way - yeah you do (although also a v loving mum)

Now get dressed and go out

It's much better for you both

SoScarletItWas · 12/12/2025 19:44

I feel like you’re almost showing her that life is over due to her alopecia. You’re complicit in staying at home, hiding away. I think it would be better to carry on as normal. Keep giving her to option to come out with you, shopping or Tescos or whatever.

Where are her friends from before? Still there, wondering why she has withdrawn, I bet. Can you contact a couple and invite them round for just a low-key catch up?

PP’s description of ‘depression towers’ is so apt. You need to break the cycle.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 12/12/2025 19:44

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:42

she wont agree to Cahms, counselling offered by school etc at 16 she has to agree apparantly!

Ah well, she has to come to it herself - she's v young so plenty time to get life on track

Louisetopaz21 · 12/12/2025 19:46

Must be really difficult my daughter who has a diagnosis of autism was a school refuser though I disagree with this term as trauma from bullying and her anxiousness made her struggle so it wasn't a choice. Could hone elective education help there are some really good resource but founds like she needs support poor girl with her struggles must be traumatising losing her hair. Do you think she might be neurodiverse and her behaviours are because she is struggle to self regulate. You sound like an amazing mum

Original poster

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:49

I think I have almost created a codependent environment! she has two very close friends and has finally agreed to see them recently, I really appreciate the supportive comments as i think i was so devestated for her hair loss that have allowed her to just withdraw from life etc! kts been very iosetting for her bestie at school as she is missing her school mate so much but my girl doesnt seem to care about that! I think she has high functioning autism and hence is very black and white in her thinking!

OP posts:

FuzzyWolf · 12/12/2025 19:49

This sounds horribly difficult for you.

I think you need to look after yourself as well and let her know that whilst you will spend time together each evening, there are also other things you will be doing. If you want to have people round, I would just give her advance warning so she can eat and be upstairs away from visitors (if that’s her preference).

Original poster

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:50

its also extra worse as cant even have a single hlass of wine to chill out with as she goes mad about it!

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ComfortFoodCafe · 12/12/2025 19:51

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:49

I think I have almost created a codependent environment! she has two very close friends and has finally agreed to see them recently, I really appreciate the supportive comments as i think i was so devestated for her hair loss that have allowed her to just withdraw from life etc! kts been very iosetting for her bestie at school as she is missing her school mate so much but my girl doesnt seem to care about that! I think she has high functioning autism and hence is very black and white in her thinking!

This doesn’t give her a free pass to keep you prisoner. She needs to get over it & be greatful its just bloody hair! People go through far worse and don’t behave like this. If you allow her to continue she will only waddle in self pity forever.

ComfortFoodCafe · 12/12/2025 19:52

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:50

its also extra worse as cant even have a single hlass of wine to chill out with as she goes mad about it!

Tell her you are an adult, your allowed to have a glass of wine. She doesn’t control your life you are her mother not the other way around! Good grief.

Original poster

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:53

Yes I agree, as horrible as it is she has been horrendous to me and monitors my phone calls etc etc she used the language and tone her dad used towards me and tells him things about me etc

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SoScarletItWas · 12/12/2025 19:53

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:50

its also extra worse as cant even have a single hlass of wine to chill out with as she goes mad about it!

Well that’s just daft. You’re an adult, you can have wine in your own bloomin’ house!

It’s such a shame she won’t engage in counselling. It sounds like she’s trying to control everything when she’s lost control of the hair situation. Understandable but she needs to find different ways to deal/cope.

Louisetopaz21 · 12/12/2025 19:57

ComfortFoodCafe · 12/12/2025 19:51

This doesn’t give her a free pass to keep you prisoner. She needs to get over it & be greatful its just bloody hair! People go through far worse and don’t behave like this. If you allow her to continue she will only waddle in self pity forever.

Show quote history

I think it is more complicated than self pity. She needs to learn she cannot control you though, she has the capacity to learn. I found validating my daughter's feelings so instead of saying of course people don't hate you, you are a lovely girl I changes it to it must be really difficult for you to feel this way and how can I support you. Get yourself a glass of wine even if you have it where she can't see you.

ComfortFoodCafe · 12/12/2025 19:58

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:53

Yes I agree, as horrible as it is she has been horrendous to me and monitors my phone calls etc etc she used the language and tone her dad used towards me and tells him things about me etc

Well you need to tell her to stop, if she hoovers over you while on the phone go to a different room & shut the door.

Louisetopaz21 · 12/12/2025 20:01

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:53

Yes I agree, as horrible as it is she has been horrendous to me and monitors my phone calls etc etc she used the language and tone her dad used towards me and tells him things about me etc

It is the only control she has, she can't control her hair loss. You are her safe person, you need some support, it isn't okay she is horrible towards you, I understand as I went through this with my middle daughter and thought my life was over but it does get better

Devilsmommy · 12/12/2025 20:03

Melocoton · 12/12/2025 19:41

Divorce guilt I guess but you are right! I was aloowed to go to new job office party last night until 10pm so I guess i feel bad if i went out again tonight but have no other christmas dos as I cancelled them all! I realise I sound like a bit of a victim!

The fact that you say you were allowed to go out smacks of an abusive relationship. She's the one deciding to be at home all the time and she's got no right to have any kind of say in who you see and where you go. She's got way more power than she should have and you really need to change that. Alopecia is awful but that doesn't mean she can boss you around like an abusive partner