I feel like my life is over!

[Melocoton]

I am a single mum with a teen who is refusing to go to school as she has alopecia. I have to work and changed my job for a lower level job but which has better hours. When i get home, she has been in bed all day so I am cooking and cleaning and trying to do everything to keep the house clean and stocked with food. . I leave her craft activities as she refuses to do any school work ( GCSE year) and she wont engage with MH support on offer or wear the three wigs and numerous hats I have got her! I now find I cant have any friends over or go out ( I am a very sociable person and loved seeing my friends and family.)
I get that she is having an awful time and I am so sad for her but she is awful to me despite me trying everything. she has trashed the house and hurt me when she gets angry. I am sat crying on the sofa as some of my best friends are having christmas drinks this evening and i cant join them. she hates people drinking so cant have anything around her. I broke up with a partner of two years who I thought the world of as she refused to accept it and I cant date anyone as she wont acceot it.
I am
54 and appreciate I have to sacrifice things for her but I am also feeling so lonely and isolated.

you are being a pushover OP. Go out!!!!

why are you staying home for someone who isn’t even nice to you and trashes the house

If anything it's better to model what a healthy fulfilling life looks like for her rather than joining in her misery.

Kindly, you need to stick up for yourself. You are the adult and yes she is having a shit time - but she cannot dictate who you speak to, when you speak to them, or whether you choose to have a glass of wine or not.
it must be incredibly difficult for you, but you need to live too.

Try contacting the little princess foundation. They may be able to supply her with a real hair wig?

Read this post to yourself again- allowed? How can she allow or not allow you do something? Who is the parent here? If you want to have alcohol at home, it's not her place to stop that.

You need to nip this in the bud. Sure she's going through a crappy time. Alopecia must be awful but she's manipulating you and you're not helping her by letting her walk all over you.
Yes divorce is hard for everyone. It doesn't give someone the right to dictate others lives. You need to start telling her no and soon before this gets out of hand.

Morning, after a period of relative calm, DD has gone nuts as she is meant to be going to her Dad’s this weekend and i was planning Christmas drinks with close friends. She threw a hoover at me and trashed my bedroom saying I am a terrible mother and a drunk because all i want to do this weekend is go out with my friends. I am the reason her hair has fallen out etc. I am desperate for a break but feel guilty to make her go to her dads who live five mins away! she says why cant she stay and is threatening to go and live with her dad!

I think you might have to call her bluff and let her go and stay with her dad - I can guarantee that he won’t tolerate her controlling behaviour and be honest, can it actually get any worse? She needs to realise how supportive you are and the only way she will be able to do that is with a bit of distance. This is no way to be living - also, as hard as it is, be firm with it because if she detects ‘guilt’ coming from you, she will play on this. Eg if she keeps bringing up the fact you let her go and live with her dads you need to calmly state ‘yes, because you were physically harming me’. Good luck OP - it’s not easy an easy situation at all 💐. PS I know someone who behaves similarly (needing to control household and same attitude around alcohol) and she was diagnosed with Autism and OCD as a young adult.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this situation. You may find a book called “Stop walking on eggshells” helpful- good tips on how to set boundaries

OP, she’s sixteen. You can tell her that if she hates living with you so much she can go to her dad or leave. Let her go. She sounds horrendous.

So she won’t go to her dads but also she’s going to go live with him?!

Great. Off you pop. Pack a bag and put it on the doorstep and say you’ll catch up in the new year.

Seriously she has huge problems. Are you sure she’s NT?

Agree, call her bluff. Her behaviour is unacceptable and you shouldn't be expected to just roll over and accept it.

Oh come on! You are in an abusive relationship. Your daughter has just taken over from your ex-husband.

She is 16 so you can leave her alone to go out and socialise as she won't let you invite people into your own home. You are being bullied by your own daughter who sounds like a chip off the old block (her father obviously, not you).

Surely she can just go and live with her dad if she is close enough to him to team up with him to abuse you?

You don't have to put up with this behaviour or this living arrangement. Your ex-husband has just passed the abuse baton to your daughter and she is gleefully running with it.

OMG call her bluff! Tell her that she should go and live with her dad as she would obviously be happier there. They sound like kindred spirits in their treatment of you. She's your daughter and you love her but to outsiders like the posters on here, she is very unkind and her behaviour towards you is definitely abusive.

This.

Some space might be just what you need! It will allow you to reset and do some socialising without being bullied in your own home.

Stay calm OP. You've made plans for Christmas drinks and you're going ahead with those plans. She's welcome to go to her dad's or stay at yours, either is fine but you're not cancelling your drinks. Trashing your room, throwing things and saying unkind things to you is not going to change any of the above.

I would spend some time on the SEN groups @Melocoton. Your daughter may not have SEN but you need to learn some tactics for school refusal etc.

The way you support your daughter needs to not be enabling her. What she needs right now is firm boundaries, and you can start by saying: ‘i have x plan, i will be going. If you are lonely, you can (facetime your friend / go to your dads) < (delete as appropriate) but I will not allow you to control me.’

Same as glass of wine. ‘I love you. You are going through an awful time. But you can control you, you can’t control me. I’m the adult and I say I am allowed a glass of wine’.

I think you should get some therapy yourself or support to help you with how to make these boundaries. Because your daughter is not learning healthy habits. She cannot check out of life. She cannot control her loved ones.

Another thought is if there are any support groups for parents of teens with eating disorders. Many have similar very controlling behaviours, similar ‘checking out of life’ challenges so again, it’s likely you can learn some techniques.

Op, I'm wondering if it might feel a bit scary to your daughter to feel she has so much control. I think teenagers need to feel that we are steering the ship and have a sense that the adults in their life know what they are doing. This situation is probably making her feel quite unsettled..

Also I bet this behaviour is deep down making your daughter feel like a not very nice person and it can't be good for her self esteem.

I'm glad to see you taking some control back slowly. I think at this point your daughter needs to see consistency with it.

It's very hard though when you've got an articulate teenager telling you she feels abandoned, unsupported etc... Give me a toddler tantrum anyday, but I think both are similar.

This sounds really hard OP
There has to be some middle ground
I really hope things get better for you soon x

Tell her that it makes no sense for her to not want to go to her Dads ,yet threaten to go and live with him....
Explain that if she genuinely feels she would be happier living with her Dad she should talk to him about doing that.
Tell her its unreasonable to suggest someone is a "drunk" because they go out with friends.
Has the cause of your daughters alopecia been investigated?
Throwing a hoover at you and trashing your bedroom is abusive .

Completely agree. You can't let her control you OP. Be supportive in every way you can, but you have to draw a firm line when it comes to her telling you what you can and can't do.

I think you need to very calmly and gently tell her that you also need to have a life and you’re making lots of changes on her behalf, but you can’t not have a social life and stay back in the evening because she chooses not to go to school. What has happened to her is horrendous and would absolutely strike self-esteem but she’s also rejecting every thing she could do to help her. Is there some kind of support group? I have a friend who’s teen developed alopecia, but she didn’t stop engaging in school.

you’re cracking under the strain and destroying your own future whilst your daughter chooses to not engage with hers.

I think at least two evenings a week, and perhaps a weekend day for example you need to do something that doesn’t involve her at all.

Let her go and live at her dads . You cannot keep treading eggshells . You deserve a good life yourself .

Don’t waiver. She’s controlling in the extreme and you’re letting her inadvertently break you.

You are the parent in your house and you need to take back control.

Why don’t you let her go to her dads? Is there a reason? You need a break from this awful situation, which has become your normal.

As horrible as it sounds, if she assaults you, and trashes your house, you can call the police and they will take her to a MH unit.

I'd let her go and live with her dad for a while.