I feel like my life is over!

[Melocoton]

I am a single mum with a teen who is refusing to go to school as she has alopecia. I have to work and changed my job for a lower level job but which has better hours. When i get home, she has been in bed all day so I am cooking and cleaning and trying to do everything to keep the house clean and stocked with food. . I leave her craft activities as she refuses to do any school work ( GCSE year) and she wont engage with MH support on offer or wear the three wigs and numerous hats I have got her! I now find I cant have any friends over or go out ( I am a very sociable person and loved seeing my friends and family.)
I get that she is having an awful time and I am so sad for her but she is awful to me despite me trying everything. she has trashed the house and hurt me when she gets angry. I am sat crying on the sofa as some of my best friends are having christmas drinks this evening and i cant join them. she hates people drinking so cant have anything around her. I broke up with a partner of two years who I thought the world of as she refused to accept it and I cant date anyone as she wont acceot it.
I am
54 and appreciate I have to sacrifice things for her but I am also feeling so lonely and isolated.

I’m so sorry.

What do you do during these meltdowns?

You do need to be in control of the situation. Diffusion techniques involve words along the lines of ‘i will not allow you to speak to me like that. We will talk when you are calm’, and walking away from the situation. Leave the house. Step away. A fire needs fuel.

Anticipate meltdowns - you tell her something she doesn’t want to hear, begin by saying ‘if you are abusive to me, the consequence will be x’ and stick with it.

Also - her staying with her dad sounds maybe like it could be good for you both?

Look at my user name OP. Comment made to me on several occasions (including by my own DM!). What these people don't understand is that I used to suffer from alopecia and for about 7 years wore a wig then it grew back and there's no way I am ever cutting it again. This aside I understand what your daughter is going through. The only acceptable hair loss in women is for cancer or similar, and don't mention scarves! Wearing a scarf is a form of 'cultural appropriation', not ethnicity related, but against women undergoing cancer treatment. As it happens I also used to be an LSA on a programme for young adults who for whatever reason were or in danger of becoming a school refuser so may be able to help in other ways.

However, I am not going to write about the teatment side of my alopecia on a public forum but if you would like more information on my 'hair loss journey' feel free to DM me. I may take a while to answer (busy week ahead.) but will do so.

Let her.

Sorry to be blunt but what the fuck are you thinking letting your child control your life?!?!

You are doing so well by starting to set boundaries OP. It sounds incredibly difficult. Hats off to you.

VJ Hamilton does some brilliant podcasts on autoimmune conditions and hair loss. She is a nutritionist and scientist who had alopecia herself.
https://open.spotify.com/show/7Bl4s4oGo8j6OlhzPHNISF

Regarding your ex, I found Looking Behind the Mirror so valuable in healing from emotional/narcissistic abuse:
https://m.youtube.com/@LookingBehindtheMirror/featured

Thank you all!! what is NT?
her alopecia is caused by an auto immune condition. the issue is I want to let my hair down this weekend and have a few drinks and she will go ballistic if I am tipsy as her dad has gaslit her that I am a drunk ( i have not had a drop for last month when she is with me, yes she has seen me tipsy in the past but i do not have a problem. i am meant to be taking her brother out for dinner to celebrate him passing his apprenticeship and she has gone nuts that i wont take her ( she picka fights with him and is jealous of me seeing him) I texted her dad last night and he completely ignored the but about being aggressive to be and said he suggested I had a word with her about arrangments for every other weekend. he had previously agredd this going forward but has told her he knew nothing about it so I feel dreadful and retriggeted from how horrible he has been xx

I'm so sorry OP. this must be grim but I think somehow you are have to be firm with this nonsense as it's turning into control.
Start with something small-go out and don't take no for an answer. Build up to 'yes I am going to have a glass of wine' . Try not to take the sh*t she's throwing at you. 'Do not speak to me like that'. Is that possible?
Is there any advice out there? Supported youth unit? Something. Sending sympathy and support.

I haven't read all responses but having suffered from hair loss as a teen it really does impact you mentally.

May I suggest a hair system? It isn't a wig but sewn into your own hair to look very natural and completely life changing. It can be expensive but in my opinion absolutely worth it.

Have read your update so have edited my post... It also sounds like she is being very manipulative.

Honestly I think ringing the police and reporting her is the way to go.
Ring 101 and ask for advice.

She is violent and abusive and I think she needs a dose of reality.

Trashing your bedroom?
Get her removed.
Let her father have her.

I honestly don't care what is going on with her, abusing you and being violent needs dealing with firmly.

Shd thinks she controls you.
You need to wake up to the fact that she is a controlling abusive manipulative person.

No parent owes their children the right to be abused by them.

This is parental over-accommodation. You need help to turn the tables so that you are parenting rather than the child making the rules for you to adhere to.

OP this sounds really hard. I don’t have the same issue but I can relate to how you feel a bit as my DD is very attached to me at 18. She had cancer at 11 and although treatment was over years ago, it has left her with medical conditions which can make her anxious and affect her mental health.

She isn’t violent or aggressive in any way but I can feel really guilty when I choose to do things when she would prefer me to prioritise her. I have had to set strong boundaries in place so she knows she will have time with me but that I am also going to do other things.

I can’t offer any advice and lots of others on this post have done but just a bit of solidarity and understanding. It does sound like her dad makes things much worse and probably she has seen how he has treated you so thinks it’s ‘normal’. Time for you to show her that it’s not. For both your sakes!

I hope she’s getting help for her condition, must be awful for her.
However you have to carry on with your life as you wish, she has to learn that life goes on and somehow she will have to cope with this condition, harsh I know, but your allowing her to hide away and you have now become her only focus.

it needs to stop she has choices and as difficult as it is, she needs to see you getting on with yours, when she misbehaves just get in the car and go out for bit, let her see that her bad behaviour has consequences.
She has to start engaging but won’t if you don’t stop doing what you are, it’s kind of like being cruel to be kind, best wishes and I hope she gets something sorted , must be so tough.

How long are you going to let this continue @Melocoton ?
When are you going get a bloody grip?
Would you put up with this at work?
No you wouldn't.
I said it before
I'll say it again, you are letting her get away with this behaviour.

I totally agree with this. There's give and take, then there's ridiculous.

This is coercive control and abuse. Time to live your life and stop letting your daughter bully you because that is what it is