I feel like my life is over!

[Melocoton]

I am a single mum with a teen who is refusing to go to school as she has alopecia. I have to work and changed my job for a lower level job but which has better hours. When i get home, she has been in bed all day so I am cooking and cleaning and trying to do everything to keep the house clean and stocked with food. . I leave her craft activities as she refuses to do any school work ( GCSE year) and she wont engage with MH support on offer or wear the three wigs and numerous hats I have got her! I now find I cant have any friends over or go out ( I am a very sociable person and loved seeing my friends and family.)
I get that she is having an awful time and I am so sad for her but she is awful to me despite me trying everything. she has trashed the house and hurt me when she gets angry. I am sat crying on the sofa as some of my best friends are having christmas drinks this evening and i cant join them. she hates people drinking so cant have anything around her. I broke up with a partner of two years who I thought the world of as she refused to accept it and I cant date anyone as she wont acceot it.
I am
54 and appreciate I have to sacrifice things for her but I am also feeling so lonely and isolated.

You gotta start somewhere OP, well done for getting out.

I think you do need to start pointing out she's an idiot and an unpleasant one - making threats like this, monitoring calls - she can F off, little madam.

But mainly - just crack on.

I voted YABU because she's clearly ruling the roost there. I sympathise with her condition, but her behaviour toward you and staying in bed all day is unacceptable.

She clearly needs some sort of help. Can she take courses online? As hard as it must be, she can't stay holed up forever.

I'm sorry OP... I know that you feel guilt about the fact that you have divorced her father, and that you feel a form of guilt / sorrow slash empathy for the fact that your daughter's got a medical condition that's causing her to lose hair, but seriously, she's being abusive to you. Yeah I know I know, I hate to throw that word out there because we all use it too often but seriously, she is!!!

Just think about this for a minute:
She refuses to go to school. She refuses to let you leave the house. She refuses to let you have people over. She refuses to let you have a glass of wine or any other alcohol. She trashes the house if you try to do anything for yourself. She refuses to do any work around the house. She won't let you date (she "forced" you to break up with a lovely person who you really enjoyed spending time with because she was angry with you for dating him) She eavesdrops on your phone calls, she takes notes of things that you say in private telephone conversations and then repeats them to your ex so that it can be used as verbal weaponry, she repeats the same hurtful and hateful words and tone that your ex (who you divorced!) used, but you can't divorce your daughter.
This is not sound like you are trapped in an abusive household?
Cuz that's what it sounds like to me.

Well I'm certain this isn't the case I still have to ask, you're sure she actually does have alopecia? That she isn't pulling out her hair or shaving it as a way to gain all the power in this relationship over you, because if she didn't have a medical condition, you probably wouldn't be letting her get away with most of the things that she's getting away with. She really does have it right? She's not faking it? Sorry to ask I know that's insensitive, but doesn't sound like it's beyond the realm of possibility.

One more little thing, is it not possible for her to go live with her father? It sounds like she has a better relationship with him in so much that she loves to mimic his abusive verbal styling, and she likes to spy on your conversations and repeat them to him, perhaps she would be happier with him. I think you definitely would be happier with her not in the house.

You're in such a difficult situation but you need to keep this ship afloat and you need to maintain your mental health in order to do this.You're the adult and you need to socialise and have a life in order to cope with the difficulties at home.

Hows it going @Melocoton

Oh OP. Coercive and controlling domestic behaviour doesn’t have to come from a partner. It sounds a horrible way to live and like you are on eggshells and scared of your own daughter. I really feel for you. I imagine this has gradually happened over time and now you’re feeling a bit trapped by it all.

It is possible to be supportive and empathetic to her needs while also being assertive about your own feelings and needs. You need to take the power back a bit. Take the time to think of some phrases you can use that acknowledge her feelings but assert your own decisions. You wouldn’t accept this treatment from a partner or a friend, and you don’t have to accept it from a teenager.

Agree with others, you need to stand up for yourself. Don’t let her ruin your life. She sounds incredibly selfish tbh

dont allow her to wallow in bed
make a fresh start with her, speak to her about a turnaround

Ahh I really feel for you. I have alopecia myself so know how tough it can be and my dd has anorexia and can be very difficult. I say this with the utmost kindness and sympathy but you really do need to put in some boundaries to take back control. Just start small with e.g. a glass of wine and let her know she cannot control what other people do, that it's fine if she chooses not to do something but she can't force other people to do the same. She needs to learn she can't live like that. Then she needs a real consequence if she acts out.

I really appreciate everyones posts this weekend and it’s helped me have a really good think and decide that only I can choose to make some changes and turn stuff around. I think alot of it is tied up with the ex and it’s time I started living the life I want!
I have a couple of “well meaning” friends who said i had to suck it up and sacrifice myself to supoort her but your impartiality has helped me validate my feelings!
Big girl pants and this applies not just to DD but to the ex!!
ps went out with new love interest and saw friends yesterday while she was at friends! i have been previously very open about my activities to her in the past but am giving myself permission not to share stuff she doesnt need to know about!
we had a calm night last night but am going to speak to her about needing to help out more and to do stuff in the day! we had a very emotional discussion on friday night before i went out and when i got home she had tidied her room and apologised, i feel bad as I had told her she was making my life hell and i needed to be ok to help her feel ok but think she got it! small steps and all that !
Thanks all again for taking time to post! xx

I listened to a podcast recently, the girl being interviewed lost her hair at 13. If your daughter will listen to things like that it might help her feel less alone? This was the one I listened to -
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/should-i-delete-that/id1602088590?i=1000603842413

Maybe you have finally got through to her Op. you need to remember you’re the parent, she’s the child. She doesn’t “allow” you to do things, that’s your choice. I can imagine alopecia is awful, especially for a teenage girl. But that doesn’t mean she gets free rein to treat you however she wants. You need to be a partnership to get through this together, not against each other.

Am listening to the podcast and its really helpful thank you !!! xx

Allowed.
Allowed.
Read that again will you.

Who is the adult in this relationship?

Seriously OP get a bloody grip of this situation!

You need tell her your not going to stay home to pacify her as you will become socially isolated and that’s not good for you and it’s not fair of her to ask or expect this of you. You have done everything you can for her she refuses to engage she’s controlling you at this point go out at every opportunity she won’t change unless she has to.

Ahh good! There are probably loads of positive stories of people with alopecia out there! 😊

Reading your posts @Melocoton it sounds that it is much more than about alopecia. There’s a lot to unpick. Sounds like your ex was abusive? Maybe you need some counselling on how to assert your own needs. Maybe some scripts on what to say to your DD when she’s being abusive towards you would be helpful? You need upskilling so you know what is best for you both without caving due to guilt and her emotional pressure. Neither of which is good for either of you.

I’m glad to see you got out but you shouldn’t need to hide it from DD, that’s just another lot of stress on top (the worry of what will happen if she finds out).

It’s also worth keeping in mind that for some neurodivergent children, their emotions can be much younger than chronological age. That doesn’t mean what she’s doing is OK, far from it. But it may be worth discussing that with your own counsellor (should you choose that option) so that any techniques should be adapted to suit DD’s emotional age.

This is really sad situation for you both

I’m guessing your daughter is feeling she has absolutely no control over her life but what she can do is control you, it’s not from being mean it’s from feeling scared

My ds went through a similar phase when they were family changes, he became so anxious and didn’t want to leave home, this then became more about controlling every day life and just refused to engage in any therapeutic support. I was in a position where I could discuss this with a psychologist and took their simple advice keep to boundaries. You can never force anyone to engage in therapy until they are ready to. Set a new small boundary and keep to that, then again set a new one keep to it. Do not make huge changes all at once but the importance is keeping to them. I had to be harsh and it felt incredibly cruel (it wasn’t that was my guilt) but gradually it got us through

he was later diagnosed with ADHD but I feel that advice was the best I got but it really was challenging for myself

Oh OP, you really are not helping her by handing her control of her home.
That only makes her feel worse as she isn't old enough for that power.

Take it back very firmly.
If she wants to leave home, go and stay with her father, help her pack.

But be very clear, this is YOUR home and you decide YOUR life.

If shd becomes violent, call the police.
Also contact Women's aid for advice.

She has too much power and is now an abuser.
Irrespective of her mental health issues, she doesn't get to abuse you.

Do not listen to ridiculous people telling you to suck it up.
You need your friends and a life.

well the small steps continue, after having tried three times to get out of bed, she just cane down at 2.15 and i told her that my friend ( who she knows very well) is popping in for a cup of tea! she was not happy ans stomoed back off to her bedroom and i reiterated that its comoletely normal to have friends over! The kitchen is full of nice food but i know she will wait until friend is gone so i have to cook for her! thats another thing that needs to stop !! I can do this and thanks again! it was almost like I had to reach rock bottom and reach out and your posts helped alot!

Do you think she’d agree to a walk in the dark to find Christmas lights? It’s cold, so bobble hats would be necessary. Tell her there will be hot chocolate when you get back?

Apologies if it sounds simplistic, but I know fresh air helps a little bit with MH .

Good for you Melocoton!! Having a friend over, the kitchen full of nice things to eat, having a little social visit, I'm so proud of you.
Your daughter finally pulling herself out of bed at 2:15 p.m., then storming off when she found out that you're having a friend over, well I really really hope that when your friend leaves, you do NOT cook a separate special meal for your daughter. She was awake, she had an opportunity to have a shower, get dressed properly etc, and be presentable for when your friend was over. Not that she would have joined your conversation, but she could have had something to eat with you... And preparing a separate special meal for her after you've just prepared a special meal for you and your friend, no. You missed out. I'm sure you have cereal in the house I'm sure you have some fruit, I'm sure there's a glass of milk around, all of those things are fine to eat when you've missed out on eating as a family.

Just remember, post whatever it is that you want to post here, most people are very supportive, and when you post it, go back and read it to yourself only instead of it being your daughter, imagine that the person you're describing is a man.

(For instance, my boyfriend who spends all day in bed dragged himself out at 2:15, and I told him that I was having a friend over for tea, he got mad, stormed back to his room, didn't come out during the visit, and then when my friend left he demanded that I cook him a special dinner for him and expected I would do it right away...
You see how that sounds like domestic abuse? How if you wrote that, everybody would be telling you to dump him and leave him... Which of course you can't do unless your daughter ends up going living with your ex... But just remember, this isn't normal. This is not a normal parent child situation, this is not normal human behavior, and 100% you should not accepted and suck it up as some of your very strange IRL friends suggested. It's easy for all of us to say this stuff because we're not living with it 24 hours a day. We're not emotionally invested. Although I'm sure everyone who's read this post is thinking of you, and we wish we could help you in some way. I guess it's just our words that can help. Hopefully they have been some help.

But I'm so glad that you had a friend over today and I really hope that your daughter didn't create too much drama afterwards for you.

Well done.
Tell her she is welcome to move out if she's not happy. Thats it.
No further discussion.
I have the greatest sympathy for MH issues, but not to a point where I would accept being abused and controlled.
It reads as actual coercive control of you.
She cannot behave like that in real life, so she might as well start realising that.

Keep saying it, "if you cannot be reasonable and respectful then you are welcome to live elsewhere, your choice, but this is MY house".

I know many will say you can't do that, but we teach people how to treat us, including our children. We teach them how to have respect for themselves, respect for us, and those around them. Lessons for real life.

The whole world does not revolve around them, despite what they want.

If she is ever to lead an independent life, perhaps sharing with other adults, she needs to learn to be respectful of other people.

You can love your children, be very supportive of them, but still insist that they treat you with respect.

Not alwsys easy, but definitely doable.