What age do you stop buying grandchildren

[Maggie2408]

For years I have bought Christmas and birthday gifts for grandchildren spending a £100 on each gift. Grandchildren are now in 20’s have never ever received a birthday or Christmas card from them . We want to cut back what we give, what would be acceptable ? Thank you

I would never think this is up to the parents. Why on earth would it be my SIL job to decide when I should stop buying for my adult niece? You know how old they are. We give nieces and nephews a bigger cash gift at 21 then box of chocs only thereafter.

Grandchildren I would keep giving them a bit of cash TBH but maybe dial it down to a token amount. Then if they have children, start buying for the baby instead. I think it's understandable if you stop though.

Definitely should wind it down. Just buy them a box of chocolates for Christmas and a text on their birthday. Or if you have their email address send a free virtual birthday card.

No need to be taken advantage of. Being in their 20s and also not ever buying a gift or card in return is pretty rude of them.

You are at liberty to do what you like.

My grandparents never stopped giving to me but I started giving gifts to them - in childhood and early career before I had much money, I made biscuits, truffles and other treats where my parents bought the ingredients but I put in the time and care. This was very much an expectation set by my parents which became my own choice. Once I had some money I bought small gifts that I thought they would find useful.

The question is, as a parent did you bring up your own children teaching them that generosity should be reciprocated within one's capacity to give, or did you teach them that it's ok to always receive and never give? Did your children make or buy Christmas gifts for your parents? That's when the expetations are set. If your grandchildren are too self centred to think about the older people in their family as people they can be generous to then that's a shame but it's down to the parenting they received, which to some extent is built upon the parenting you gave.

It's fine of course to cut down your giving list. But to those you love because you want to give, not because you are expecting a return. It's probably better to reduce your budget to £25 each instead of £100, rather than going to zero

I was going to say, if I had gc I would never stop getting them presents (although £100 is a lot, depending on your budget). But then to see that they've never even sent you so much as a birthday card, they sound very ungrateful wretches and I'd definitely cut back in your position. I know we don't give in expectation of anything, but c'mon, they are taking the mickey.

This puts it much better. It's the way they've been raised. Some of our great nieces and nephews always thank us for birthday money and some never do.

What? I don't quite understand what you're disagreeing with.

I agreed that a child/grandchild should send atleast birthday/Christmas cards to their grandparent if they also - not doing that is mean. Is this 'bringing up spoilt brats'?

I said that if I started giving children/grandchildren gifts/cards for birthdays/christmas, I wouldn't then stop at any age as I'd find it mean. Is this bringing up spoilt brats?

Starting something, then stopping for no reason can come across meaner than not starting it at all, ime. So I said that in a way (kinda sorta, depending on the reason), the latter is meaner than the former. Is that bringing up spoilt brats?

I do want to understand your point.

“I always believe the parents/grandparents should be more giving/forgiving than the children/granchildren.”

Personally never , but if they as adults can't buy you anything then I would rethink

Yes? That was a general statement about whose responsibility it is to start/maintain good relationships atleast at first. Does that mean raising spoilt brats?

It can. In the case of the OP it seems it has.

Thats so sad, as soon as my DC earned their own money at 16/17 they automatically bought their grandparents gifts themselves. I did the same for my grandparents also.

I wouldnt be spending that sort amount on them if they dont bother at all. Can you mention it to your DC.

Fair enough. Yes I agree it seems so in OP's case. It just isn't so for everyone.

My grandparents still bought for me until they died.
I defintely bought for them once id left home in my early /mid twenties, not sute about before but i think i did vards. My grandma woukd have yold me off fircwasting my money on her lol.
My mum has dementia so i get a small gift on her behalf for.my DC.
DHs mum doesnt do xmas and birthdays at all which i aleays thought odd and a but mean!
Anyway if I am lucky enough to have DGC then i do t think 8d ever stop buying xmas and birthday presents for them but if you cant afford the usual amount then its reasonable to adjust your budget.
Have you spoken to your son/daughter about it? TBH i think your DGC probably need a nudge by their parents.

Stop at 18, personally or at least drastically reduce.

I think it would just be better coming from them, rather than me. Given my situation anyway, I'm on my own and only have one income, I earn much less than sister/brothers/in-laws.

MIL still buys for all her GC who are now adults in their 20’s and 30’s but all the GC buy MIL gifts and cards in return. My DM is the same.

As your GC don’t even bother to send you a card let alone a small gift for yourself I don’t think you would be unreasonable in not getting them anything at all. If they ask why tell them the truth, it could be a wake up call for them.

Do your GC still live with their parents? I think it’s acceptable for Mum and Dad to buy you a gift and a card from the whole family if they still live at home. If they have left home they should be sending cards and presents independently if they wish to receive themselves.

In my experience it doesn’t stop but the relationship is reciprocal. If you want to stop or cut back you should. You don’t need permission

I think it's awful that they don't get you anything or even a card. I personally would be matching their effort (I.e. Getting them nothing) but I appreciate some people wouldn't feel right doing that so I'd suggest popping £10/£20 in a card or sending them a gift card for £10/£20.

Let the parents know you’ll be stopping from now on and they can let them know. You don’t need any sort of explanation if they’re not sending or giving anything in return.

Perfect. 👌

My grandmother is 93 I am 42 and she still gives £50 cash birthday and christmas. Great grandchildren get same. We all get something she’s bought from Avon or a catalogue as a token gift as she likes us to have something to open too. She insists on paying for needed stuff through the year too eg paid for my youngest school shoes when starting reception too.

We are close family though. She tells us she old don’t waste our money on her but we wouldn’t dream of not getting her a birthday or christmas present and as she doesn’t go out regularly send moonpig cards of kids just as a suprise to open (still go visit too). Family is what you make it.

My youngest recently turned 5 and her grandfather on her dads side has seemed to have stopped gifting her anything from age 4yrs he does still buy for her brother though (diff mum) sends stuff direct to him. His loss.

My grandma bought gifts for me, my siblings and cousins until she died. I bought gifts for her too as soon as I had my own money,. I also sent her cards and made things for her. I would love for those opportunities back.

Your grandchildren seem to be taking you for granted and that's so sad. Don't stop buying them gifts, but you could cut back on the amount you spend, you don't need to spend that much. My grandma died in 2018 when I was 39. She gave us £45 each at Christmas and birthdays and I thought that was very generous.

Well my nan was still buying me presents in my mid forties until last year when she died BUT Ive bought her presents since I turned 18 and got a proper job. They are very thoughtless not to even give you a card!

I would have a word with the grandchildren directly, tbh, and point out that since they are adults, it would usually be expected that they start reciprocating cards and gifts.I would not make your giving conditional on that, though.

This is why it’s really helpful for parents to encourage and facilitate reciprocal gift giving early on, even when it is initially financed directly from them, and later from pocket money, then own earnings.