Is this odd? Or am I overthinking?

[NoKnit]

So Christmas is coming.

We live abroad and not been back to the UK for the festive period in 10 years. Finally planned a trip back this year which with flights, hire car etc etc is a cost running into the thousands. All fine we're all excited especially the kids. There for 2 weeks.

Now thing is in-laws don't seem to want to invite us to their house at all over this time. They only want to meet up for meals out etc. I've said to my husband it's not about being hosted we aren't expecting big dinners cooked for us or anything happy to take food with us and pitch in with cleaning up, dishes etc.
This just doesn't sit right with me I think Christmas is about family being together the adults sitting around on sofa drinking too much wine and nattering whilst the kids play with their cousins, couple of games of monopoly or whatever. Yes might be cramped 2 families with kids in one house but I'm not talking about staying overnight just few hours or an afternoon/evening. My kids want to play with their cousins and doing that in a restaurant and getting 4 excited children to behave seems stressful to me.

My husband won't speak to his sister about it as doesn't want to rock the boat so nothing I can do.

But am I right to find it odd? I can't help but worry it's about me. Relationship generally with them is OK, we have different opinions on parenting etc but think we are all decent enough people. I do feel very 'ganged up on' when I'm with all in-laws (sil + family and pil). They are just different people to me which is fine cant pick your family. They probably think I'm 'awkward or particular' just because I do things differently to them.

Oh and to add when they come abroad to visit us we always have them over, welcome to stay overnight and we host and pull out the stops to show them a good time. I admit mostly me that does this and I did tone it down last few years we've had his family over as realised I was the one doing absolutely all the work.

Should also add last two trips we've been back they've also not invited us over. Kids ask when they are going to their cousins house.

Arghhh AIU?

It's very hurtful @NoKnit . I think I would be closing my own hotel and refusing to host going forwards. They are cheeky fuckers accepting your hospitality and offering to meet you in a restaurant when you want to visit.

I would be sad about this too @NoKnit. As you say, meeting in a restaurant or whatever isn't the same, it's just less relaxing when there are kids involved.

Maybe your PILs struggle to host and find it stressful now they're getting older? Could SIL host instead?

But it's a bit different hosting 2 adults (presuming she means just the in laws visit on holiday) to what the OP is wanting - she wants to go to the in-laws alongside SIL meaning there will be 4 extra adults and 4 kids (not entirely sure of ages, but sounds like one may possibly be 8-9 so not exactly small). She has said it would be cramped.
Thinking about my own house I would not be able to host that many people. We have no dining room, the living room has sofas that seat 4 people. If my parents visit the kids or myself have to sit on the floor. When I go to my parents if my brother and his girlfriend are there it is a similar issue - 6 adults, 4 kids and again only seating in the living room for 5 people.
Depending on the age of children it can be chaos. My house is semi detached. The last thing my neighbours want to hear is over excited children, so as an adult trying to get the children to do something calm is then stressful if they all want to just run around.
I find it easier to go out for a meal and then go for a walk (think I said previously).

It is odd and impacts on the amount of time you can spend together. However, with your update, if you're talking about both families going to the mil and fil's house and both with different expectations in terms of supervising kids and meals, I can kind of see why they're trying to dodge it. Perhaps they have both parents in their ears telling them when dinner should be? Perhaps they feel compelled to supervise your kids because they feel what you allow them freedom to do is risky.
That all sounds a bit stressful.
Is there also a lot of commenting on each others parenting adding to the tension?

Nobody owes your visit to their house, and they will have their reasons.

If you want the kids to run wild, then arrange to go to a National Trust property with a play area, or a big walk on the beach, or something like that. You don’t need to go and sit in somebody’s house while they run wild and you sit drinking wine on the sofa.

I don't understand some of these replies - yes it's odd! Most families want to be together at someone's home over Xmas, that's why restaurants aren't full of families with young kids on Christmas Day. I think a lot of people have misunderstood your OP re your frequency home.

You have a vision of what Christmas should look like - family, nattering, wine. Sounds like your in- laws don’t necessarily share that vision. Or they believe that actually , there’s less sitting around for them and more hosting.

Yes, I think it strange that even the PIL do not wish to welcome their son and his family to their home. Has it ever been suggested, by either side, that just your DH should visit ( obviously not on Christmas Day) ?

Seems this started after Covid. Perhaps there was a trigger there - a mental health issue, hoarding, etc.

There may well be something going on that they are not ready to share with the wider family, and you are going to have to respect that.

When you say you differ on parenting - is it because you are more relaxed? Maybe the in-laws find the kids feral and unruly and don’t want their house trashed?

I do understand your frustration but maybe they're just overwhelmed and the idea of hosting is a bit much for them so it might not be personal.

We have inlaws who live a bit of a distance away and they come back when they can which is great but sometimes we have longstanding plans already and the expectation is we basically drop everything, often with pretty short notice. I'm sure you're not like this at all but christmas is already a lot so trying to factor in hosting when you're already running on empty can be just too much.

Maybe they just find all the kids together a lot. Maybe one or more is neurodiverse and struggles with the noise/lack of space. Maybe there's marital difficulties, mental health difficulties, health difficulties. All things they might not want to discuss!
Also people tend to try and talk others round on stuff or pick holes in it... not saying that this is what you are like, but its what happens... as someone who gets overwhelmed by a lot of people in her space, people either get offended or try and talk you round, or thinks 'well you can suck it up for a few hours' or thinks 'but i invited you to mine and therefore you are obligated' (even though its not the same thing' its a rare gem of a person who 'gets it' often you just get...

'I think a restaurant would be better, its too cramped at ours'
= 'It will be fine! We can move chairs and tables around and keep the pets on one room, it will be fiiiine"

'I've not been feeling very well lately, so a restaurant would work better'
= 'just put your feet up and we'll do everything!' (People end up digging around in your cupboards to find things they need to host, generally making a mess, and dont literally mean 'sit there and do nothing')

'I get overwhelmed with so many people' = 'its only for a few hours, you can just take yourself off to your room if you need peace and quiet' (not the same, doesnt stop the noise)

And then of course there's the chance that they dont like you drunk, or your partners sense of humour, or your kids behaviour - could be anything! And would find it mentally easier to deal with outside of their own home. There's just no way to be honest with you about that, is there. And if a restaurant means they can deal with it for a few hours, great.

You might never know, is what im saying. And even if you did know, would you really want to talk someone round into hosting you, knowing they didnt want you there? I know you arent really saying they SHOULD host, but I guess im saying its okay to find it odd but maybe just land on asking yourself, does it actually need digging at?

I don’t know if it’s odd. I guess it depends on the size of their house and how cramped it would be with everyone there. It is perhaps strange that you aren’t invited to their house at all in the two weeks.

I did wonder - do you keep what you think about SIL’s parenting to yourself? For example, we eat early-ish as a family and I also supervise my children on play equipment (I wouldn’t go on the equipment myself but I would stand nearby) and if a family member was obviously disapproving or was making a point about how independent her children were in comparison I might feel a bit annoyed, as I wouldn’t say anything about them eating later or not supervising play.

OP has said that it's 10 years since they've been back for Christmas. They have been back at other times of the year as OP has said:

'Should also add last two trips we've been back they've also not invited us over.'

One of those where I would be VERY interested to hear the in-laws side of things regarding parenting and the ' difference in opinions'.

I'm not saying YABU, OP, but I do wonder if you have automatically painted yourself in a very good light here, whilst making your in-laws look like the bad guys, and I just suspect that there is very much two sides to this tale.

Overall - yes I would be sad too, but you can't force them.
You certainly can't expect them to host AND dictate when the meal is served. If you want your kids to be hungry for dinner at 4.30 then give then no/less lunch.

It sounds as though the difference in parenting is the material thing especially if SIL house is small. If she is very houseproud and she is worried your kids are going to break or mess things then she wouldnt host. I wonder if you /DH complained out about mealtimes to her?

Maybe SIL has spent a lot of time at home/hosting already and would like to be able to sit down and eat a meal served to her? Maybe she hates cooking?

Agree re inviting them to your accomodation to hang out.

Well you look like a twat now because OP and her family visit OP's PILs regularly:

'It is the first time we've been back FOR CHRISTMAS in 10 years. We've gone back on average once, sometimes twice a year in the last 10 years, just not at christmas time. Reason being has pregnancy then a small baby, then toddler and baby and family came to US in that time as easier, then corona came and for two Christmases nobody could go anywhere.'

OP's PILs also visit OP and her family and stay in her home.What on earth was so bad in OP's original post that made you post such a rude (and incorrect) reply?

I agree with you, I think it’s odd. I think your DH should ask his sister why

I wonder if they are getting older and feeling less able to cope with hosting the whole family incliuding spirited children. It can really be as simple as that.
And when you get older, it's nice to have other people waiting on you and all the washing up done - as in a restaurant.

Next time why dont you book a big Air BnB and invite everyone there?

Are you staying in an Air BnB or similar, where you could host?
It is a bit odd but there’s clearly a reason why they’ve stopped you visiting their house.
Are your children a bit wild, or it may be that they just don’t have the room anymore? There’ll definitely be a reason though. I’d get your husband to mention it and ask why.

They might find the children exhausting, especially if your parenting style involves the kids being “independent” and “getting dirty.” That’s my suspicion.

As I age I have no interest in opening my carefully curated home to rambunctious people. Restaurant meetups are plenty.

If you want more can you arrange some outings to light shows or Christmas markets or whatever?

Thanks I had read the OP though. She hasn’t bothered about cosy christmasses in the last 10 years, but now they’re back here for this Christmas they expect the full in house experience, even though they know they don’t usually get invited to the house. Going off OPs description of the parenting details I can see why they find it easier to meet on neutral territory where everyone can leave when they want too.

It’s disappointing but they obviously have their reasons. I agree that a restaurant meet-up is really hard work with children. The older members of the family tend to want to linger and chat while the younger ones are bored once the meal is over. But if they don’t want to host there’s not much you can do. I’d go with the restaurant meal and suggest a walk after so the kids can run and play.

Just wanted to point out that all the primary schools around here don’t allow children to walk/from school alone until they’re in Y6, which is ages 10-11. So your SIL may have her hands tied on that issue…

Could they feel embarrassed? Do you have “more” than them and they’re embarrassed for you to see where they live? Do your parents in law visit their home?

Im thinking this can’t be about you, as is likely about them. YANBU to want a relaxed Christmas, can your PIL host instead? Or if it’s them who aren’t inviting you to their home, can your SIL host Christmas?

Problem is, if it’s at a restaurant, I’m guessing a hefty deposit has already been paid and they are looking forward to going to the restaurant already.

Some people (me) would be delighted by this OP. It’s a certain kind of hell being “trapped” in someone else’s home for days. Being able to go to a restaurant means you can control your arrival and exit - and I’m all for this. You mention you’re different kinds of people and there can be friction. So enjoy that in this way you avoid much of it. Perhaps it’s not the kind of Xmas you want, but this is a different type of Xmas for your family - you are traveling. Enjoy that part.

Initially I thought it was odd. But reading your updates, it looks like it's a big difference in parenting styles and how you enjoy the day that has caused this.
I wouldn't push it. If you want something like this then rent an Air BnB and do it that way.

Just seen that you moved abroad for university almost 30 years ago, in which case you are presumably heading towards 50 now and so I assume you in laws are somewhere in their 70s at youngest and quite possibly well into their 80s.

It’s almost certainly an age and capacity thing, as I and others have said before. They no longer feel up to hosting/ having a packed house and want to do something that is easier for them. It’s not about you and your family, it’s about them, and it’s very understandable.