Is this odd? Or am I overthinking?

[NoKnit]

So Christmas is coming.

We live abroad and not been back to the UK for the festive period in 10 years. Finally planned a trip back this year which with flights, hire car etc etc is a cost running into the thousands. All fine we're all excited especially the kids. There for 2 weeks.

Now thing is in-laws don't seem to want to invite us to their house at all over this time. They only want to meet up for meals out etc. I've said to my husband it's not about being hosted we aren't expecting big dinners cooked for us or anything happy to take food with us and pitch in with cleaning up, dishes etc.
This just doesn't sit right with me I think Christmas is about family being together the adults sitting around on sofa drinking too much wine and nattering whilst the kids play with their cousins, couple of games of monopoly or whatever. Yes might be cramped 2 families with kids in one house but I'm not talking about staying overnight just few hours or an afternoon/evening. My kids want to play with their cousins and doing that in a restaurant and getting 4 excited children to behave seems stressful to me.

My husband won't speak to his sister about it as doesn't want to rock the boat so nothing I can do.

But am I right to find it odd? I can't help but worry it's about me. Relationship generally with them is OK, we have different opinions on parenting etc but think we are all decent enough people. I do feel very 'ganged up on' when I'm with all in-laws (sil + family and pil). They are just different people to me which is fine cant pick your family. They probably think I'm 'awkward or particular' just because I do things differently to them.

Oh and to add when they come abroad to visit us we always have them over, welcome to stay overnight and we host and pull out the stops to show them a good time. I admit mostly me that does this and I did tone it down last few years we've had his family over as realised I was the one doing absolutely all the work.

Should also add last two trips we've been back they've also not invited us over. Kids ask when they are going to their cousins house.

Arghhh AIU?

What a nasty comment, talk about getting completely the wrong end of the stick.

Anyway, they’re odd OP. Very strange why they won’t have you round but then again some people are just strange. Just like Timebudda.

I think Christmas is about family being together the adults sitting around on sofa drinking too much wine and nattering whilst the kids play with their cousins, couple of games of monopoly or whatever. Yes might be cramped 2 families with kids in one house but I'm not talking about staying overnight just few hours or an afternoon/evening. My kids want to play with their cousins and doing that in a restaurant and getting 4 excited children to behave seems stressful to me.

This started 3 years ago you say.

They might be aging out. They might not enjoy you getting drunk and chatting while the excited kids who are hard to get to behave in a restaurant run around their house. They might worry about their stuff getting broken. Your kids and the other kids playing might be too much now that they're getting bigger. You say yourself it's cramped.

You may think that's how Xmas should be but they don't and it's pretty obvious they don't enjoy that. That's why they want to meet in restaurants. Their health might be deteriorating. Whatever.

You have to accept things have changed. You might want to look at changing the times of your visits since they're not going how you wanted and this is such an expensive time of year to travel. Maybe they might be a little more relaxed, Xmas is a stressful time of year for many.

By any chance would you describe your children as spirited?

@NoKnit can you give some context and examples on how you are different to your IL’s and how you parent differently?

I think this info would be very relevant.

It’s very odd indeed! I would be wondering what the reason might be.

'Your kids and the other kids playing might be too much now that they're getting bigger. You say yourself it's cramped'

I agree. It could be the simple fact they are getting older and spending time with children outside of the house would be much easier for them. Not because they don't want to have everyone round but simply because it's might be too tiring for them to host now for health reasons or just age. But then again if you are only talking about dropping by for a few hours, you're right when you say you can offer to help/bring snacks and make drinks/wash up etc.

I do agree with you that trying to eat and catch up properly with other adults can be tricky in a restaurant with young kids in tow. Depends on the age of the kids and the type of restaurant and if you bring toys/colouring etc.

If they are adamant on going out, perhaps you could change the restaurant to a child friendly one that has something to keep them amused? A pub with a children's play area so you can chat and they play nearby?

How old are the kids?

I wouldn't necessarily say it's odd. How many children do you have and how old are they? Are they worried that their house isn't childproof, or also they have valuable/sentimental items out that they don't want getting broken?
It is very easy to say you don't mind being in a cramped house as long as the kids are having fun playing with their cousins when it's not your house if something gets broken! How many children would there be if they invited everyone back? You mention it being cramped so maybe they just don't like this.
I find the noise really loud when my children see their cousin, so maybe older relatives find this even harder to cope with. Restaurants I also find a bit easier as everyone can eat what they want so there are no issues regarding food. Plus we usually then go for a walk or something after so the kids can burn off some energy.

Somebody doesn't like someone.

It's very strange that they dont even want their own son to visit them at home.

I wouldn't even bother visiting the country.

This just doesn't sit right with me I think Christmas is about family being together the adults sitting around on sofa drinking too much wine and nattering whilst the kids play with their cousins, couple of games of monopoly or whatever

You think that, but not everyone else does or has to. And clearly your in-laws don't.

You get to set the Christmas vibe when you host it. When you're visiting, your hosts get to set it. And your in-laws clearly aren't up for hosting - that's their prerogative.

You could always do a day out at an age-appropriate activity/venue for the kids to play with each other.

is it your husbands parents or sister who hasn’t invited you?

at first I thought parents but then you mentioned playing with cousins/his sisters DC

tbh though I don’t think it’s odd.

I don’t particularly like hosting people in my house, I’d rather meet out at a cafe/restaurant/pub.

I can’t be arsed with “getting the house ready” and “tidying up after” 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think this is odd too but I wonder if they’re just getting older and struggle with the idea of energetic children running around? Depends on their age I suppose but I know my Gran has reached an age now in her 80s where it can get too much and she keeps visits to a minimum as a result.

YANBU, I'd find that odd too.

Sitting around having a chat and a drink with the occasional board game? Sounds pretty standard to me. How is this different to your Christmas?

Why be rude with you boo hoos? How about an intelligent argument instead?

It’s normal for people to visit their parents houses. They’ve not been out of their lives. Just not specifically home for Christmas.

I think it’s odd op. Something seems amiss.

I think it's their house, their rules. Some people like to host and some don't. And there may be other things going on that you don't know about (anxiety, marital problems etc). You don't have a right over who someone invites. Maybe see if you can hire a function room or something for a little mini party and then no one hosts?

Ok so the parenting difference is most likely a cultural thing as I notice it here a lot with British kids. Basically kids in the UK have no independence.

Mine for example walked to school alone from age 7 as all the other kids were doing it totally normal. They went out to the playground, football field etc to play by themselves fron age 7. Out on bikes by themselves from a bit older say 8 or My nieces not allowed to go anywhere by themselves. They still supervised them and actually went onto slides, climbing frames etc with niece when she was 4/5. We never did that. If they couldn't get onto the play equipment they didn't go on it. Meaning they were always 'allowed' to climb up to top of climbing frame etc. They thought this was neglect I think. But I'd say its letting my kids know their limits.

It's that kind of thing. I always allow my kids to get dirty, no clothes are for best etc.

As for spirited? I have no real idea what that means I'd need to Google it.

It's also things like meal times. My SIL family all eat dinner really early like 4.30/5pm and my kids just aren't hungry then. We always want to eat later but they never budge and mine end up leaving half their food only to starving by 6.30pm when we've eaten with them.

Perhaps they feel that if they meet up with you in a restaurant or elsewhere away from their home..that they can control the length of the visit.
When they've had enough they can go home
Where do you stay when you're here OP if it's not with family .?

Yes, OP, it is odd. It is much more relaxing to be at someone’s house. Even if it is just for a cup of tea and cake in the afternoon. Kids can relax much more and get to know their cousins. People are weird though when you can’t change them.

Could you invite them to your accommodation? They may have a good reason for not wanting to host. Has anyone asked sister to host, maybe she would be happy to but it hadn't occurred to her that you would want that.

I don’t incorrectly understand it thanks

I'd say so from the latest description and that this is the main reason.

Have you been to their house recently on previous visits?

A previous poster mentioned hoarding. That was my first thought too. I had a family member (an elderly Uncle who had never married) who would not let us near his house for that very reason. I had to clear it recently when he became a permanent resident in a care home and it had clearly built up over a lot of years. There’s a lot of shame attached to hoarding and we had no idea it was in that state

So it sounds like it's about convenience for you. Maybe they don't want you in their kitchen when everyone else has eaten at a set meal time? By eating out they can control the time and ensure they don't have someone constantly wanting the oven on (maybe cost issues, but also just not wanting someone taking over their home).

Where are you staying when you visit?
Maybe you should look at hosting in an Airbnb or hiring somewhere to all meet up so you can then do your own thing food wise and everyone can sit around together as you would like.

Well, I think it’s very rude and very weird. I would feel paranoid as well, wondering if I was disliked. Not a lot you can do though, make the best of it.

This is mumsnet though where having other people visit you in your home is an outrageous expectation so you won’t get normal responses on here.