Is this odd? Or am I overthinking?

[NoKnit]

So Christmas is coming.

We live abroad and not been back to the UK for the festive period in 10 years. Finally planned a trip back this year which with flights, hire car etc etc is a cost running into the thousands. All fine we're all excited especially the kids. There for 2 weeks.

Now thing is in-laws don't seem to want to invite us to their house at all over this time. They only want to meet up for meals out etc. I've said to my husband it's not about being hosted we aren't expecting big dinners cooked for us or anything happy to take food with us and pitch in with cleaning up, dishes etc.
This just doesn't sit right with me I think Christmas is about family being together the adults sitting around on sofa drinking too much wine and nattering whilst the kids play with their cousins, couple of games of monopoly or whatever. Yes might be cramped 2 families with kids in one house but I'm not talking about staying overnight just few hours or an afternoon/evening. My kids want to play with their cousins and doing that in a restaurant and getting 4 excited children to behave seems stressful to me.

My husband won't speak to his sister about it as doesn't want to rock the boat so nothing I can do.

But am I right to find it odd? I can't help but worry it's about me. Relationship generally with them is OK, we have different opinions on parenting etc but think we are all decent enough people. I do feel very 'ganged up on' when I'm with all in-laws (sil + family and pil). They are just different people to me which is fine cant pick your family. They probably think I'm 'awkward or particular' just because I do things differently to them.

Oh and to add when they come abroad to visit us we always have them over, welcome to stay overnight and we host and pull out the stops to show them a good time. I admit mostly me that does this and I did tone it down last few years we've had his family over as realised I was the one doing absolutely all the work.

Should also add last two trips we've been back they've also not invited us over. Kids ask when they are going to their cousins house.

Arghhh AIU?

Not strange. You’re right, it’s tough to just “hang out” in a restaurant and creates a totally different feeling. My advice would be to tell your husband to say directly to his parents that meeting up at home would be your family’s preference. If they still say no, then you know that’s what you have to work with.

So you’ve not bothered in 10 years but now you think it’s odd that you’ve decided to come back and they’ve not jumped to host you in their home? You clearly don’t have that sort of relationship and it’s a lot to expect them to do all the hosting just because you’ve come over. They’re happy to do it all in a restaurant where they get to actually catch up with you and nobody has to stress about the cooking. YABU

My father in laws a bit like this and I put it down as a generational thing… he’s a bit older and isn’t set up for kids as much as well. But I’d find it weird from a peer who also has kids. Sad for the cousins but obviously there is form so I think UABU expecting this Christmas to be different from other times. Do you have different parenting styles?

Oh I’d also be a bit tempted to try to probe further with your nieces / nephews or get your kids to ask then why they can’t come to their house. Maybe they’re never allowed friends over. Maybe someone trashed the house once. See if you can find out if it’s a blanket rule or specific to you?!

I think it's odd you now want to play happy families after 10 years. It is sad but I think you are expecting too much from them. You're not as close as you hope.

I would be annoyed if someone was trying to sus my decision by asking my children sneaky questions about our home life.

Why did you move abroad? Your decision or your husband's, work?
'I think Christmas is about family being together the adults sitting around on sofa drinking too much wine and nattering whilst the kids play with their cousins, couple of games of monopoly or whatever. ' maybe they feel that you opted out of this when you decided to move abroad, maybe they are hurt?

I understand why you’d feel upset but your description of Christmas isn’t one I recognise or would particularly want though.

Boohoo you want to play happy families after 10 year of not being around.
Im surprised they even know you that well.

The only odd thing I can read in all this is you.

But how did they do Christmas before you went? Have you done Christmas with them before now? You say a few times how different they are from you, yet then seem not to understand why your idea of ‘sitting around on sofa drinking too much wine and nattering whilst the kids play…’, might not be their idea of a fun day.

And besides, people and things change a lot in 10 years. Especially for parents/ Grandparents as age has an enormous impact. They may feel like the idea of having everyone over (even if no meal is involved) too much.

As someone with SILs/BILs living on different continents I see how they often struggle to appreciate in the same way my partner and I do that their parents are aging. It’s only when they see them again that it hits, and even then not always as their parents are doing their best for the week or whatever to enjoy their visit and it’s often afterwards that they show quite how exhausted they were by it.

I do agree though that a restaurant is never the easiest place to be with kids. But I wouldn’t push your in laws to host, I would think of alternatives. Can you host anything? Are you in an Air BnB? Can your SIL? Is there something else you can do like a day out at a National Trust or something?

They must have their reasons? Hoarding? Finding it a challenge to keep the place clean? Or so obsessed with cleanliness you can't bear to have guests?

I guess you can't force it. Can you rent an air b&b where you can hang out and host from? I know it's not like you should have to but if someone's house is out of bounds you have to accept that.

By all means don't invite them to yours if you find it somewhat hurtful. But try not to let it spoil the relationship.

Sorry I should clarify this.

It is the first time we've been back FOR CHRISTMAS in 10 years. We've gone back on average once, sometimes twice a year in the last 10 years, just not at christmas time. Reason being has pregnancy then a small baby, then toddler and baby and family came to US in that time as easier, then corona came and for two Christmases nobody could go anywhere.

So it's not like we are rocking up after being out of their lives for 10 years. We've hosted them here loads (PIL generally at least once a year staying with us for a week per time), gone on holidays together etc.

So I don't think we are now just demanding happy families.

Of course it's weird.

You make the effort and spend a fortune to visit them, and they can't be bothered with you. It's hurtful. Do your own things if they are not interested.

I wouldn't bother with hosting them from now on.

'Now thing is in-laws don't seem to want to invite us to their house at all over this time. They only want to meet up for meals out etc.'

I don't understand how people can see this is not unusual. It's their son and his family; their grand children. I would want to enjoy having them all in my home, personally.

Perhaps they think it's all just going to be too much for them?

Also to answer the question about why 'we' moved abroad. Although it isn't all that relevant.

I moved here almost 30 years ago for university and once graduated decided to stay, got job, home etc. I met my husband here whilst I'dalready been living here for 10 years (he came for work) so if they don't like that what can I do?

Of course it's odd!

I was going to suggest this, or the hoarding thing at least.

My house is in complete unheaval as I'm trying to get it sorted after my mum died last September. There's surplus furniture everywhere and I get overwhelmed by it all. I'm ashamed of the house frankly and although my friends and family know about it I do understand that the OP's in-laws might choose to keep it quiet.

Come on this is munsnet doesn't matter what you post you'll always be told you are unreasonable. I wonder why I bothered 😀

Yes they might think it's too much but its only been like this in say last 3 years. Previously we were always over there for bbqs or whatever when we visited. I've offered help to bring food etc.

Strange, OP. It does make you wonder why. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas, whatever happens.

You mention that you are very different from them. How so? Parenting? Behavior expectations? Wild kids etc?

Also your vision of drinking too much wine nattering, could come across to them guests staying all evening getting drunk leaving the kids to run riot. You have your vision of Christmas/Hosting and they have theirs. Neither are wrong, just different. I would go with the flow on this tbh.

‘Yes they might think it's too much but its only been like this in say last 3 years. Previously we were always over there for bbqs or whatever when we visited. I've offered help to bring food etc.’

So this isn’t unique to Christmas then? For the last three years they’ve been unwilling to host? They clearly are struggling. I suspect it’s age. Resentment of their change is unhelpful, Far better to understand it, ask how you can help, and if not that, then at least accept it and plan accordingly. Rent an Air BnB and host or find somewhere other than a restaurant to meet up. Aging is often awful incredibly difficult to cope with and process. Being pressured by family to do things you no longer feel able to only makes that worse.

How old are your in laws?

Plenty of people get told they are not being unreasonable, this isn’t a choice of website issue, this is just what people think of your situation🤷‍♀️

Writes the poster whose reply was based on incorrect understanding of the OP.

So it's not new and it's not just Christmas. You're definitely being unreasonable then.

What a rude response! We don't have enough info here to really know what's going on. Also, OP has hosted them a few times in her home while they've lived abroad.