We can’t help if it’s impossible to !!!

[Greyspiders]

Today we have had a massive argument with MIL. She has uninvited us from visiting on Boxing Day due to what she describes as our selfish and cruel behaviour towards her.

Dh was miles away at a hospital appointment with oldest dc. I was at home and then picking up youngest dc from school. MIL phoned me in a panic saying she couldn’t get hold of her son-I explained hes at the hospital and probably can’t answer / no signal? She wanted immediate help to get to the emergency vet and wanted dh , she said she couldn’t even lift the dog (and also she doesn’t drive) and SIL was at work and she refused to disturb her. I said how sorry I was and could I help by sending her the taxi money ? She said it’s impossible to get a taxi that will take a sick dog and that she can’t carry him anyway so what use was that. She said she will keep trying dh and I need to as well as he needed to come straight back. She then said I should be doing things like appointments it’s ’not a mans job’ !!!

I asked was there not some kind of emergency vet that could visit and again said if cost was an issue we would help. She hung up on me. Dh then started messaging as said she was calling him and he couldn’t answer and had messaged her saying he will
call when out of hospital but she kept calling and did I know if she was ok.

She’s now said that I’m stopping her ever having support from her son ?? Which isn’t true as he does a lot for her . She messaged ‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you’ .

AIBU as how can she have a go at us for not helping when we were not able to do what she needed ? If he had been here he would have !!

My children would absolutely NOT be going anywhere I was banned either.

Absolutely wild behaviour.

Thank goodness your DH is on your side.

That’s crazy. Try not to let her get you down. She is completely unreasonable to the point it makes me wonder if she is mentally unwell? Outrageous how she has spoken to you and treated you.

Have a lovely peaceful Boxing Day. Feet up. Wine and cheeseboard. Turn off your phones.

She sounds totally deluded and self-obsessed.

it’s her dog, her responsibility - you can’t be available 24x7 365 days a year. Your dh nailed it when he said she needs a support network. The best way to do that is make friends and trade favours! If she helps a friend, she’ll find the friend will help her back at a later date if they can.

Sounds like your dh has his head screwed on. Keep him.

And make some lovely non-Mil plans for Boxing Day!

I thought that. The panicking, flipping out in an abusive and irrational way, being obsessive and possessive about ownership of “her son” and his time

I wondered about dementia but then op said it’s been this way for a while and I’m not sure suggesting a MH assessment would go down very well at present!

The sad reality is she is probably just a bitter, jealous lady

Unhinged was put in the dictionary just for her.

It was kind of you to offer to pay for the taxi and vet. She needs to understand that your husband's priority is his wife and children, not her and certainly not her dog! As a responsible owner she should have some plan in place in case of a pet emergency such as details of a taxi firm who takes pets or some money put aside for a home visit. Her lack of planning is not your problem!

I would be so upset if I were you OP, she clearly thinks her bloody dog is more important than your children. I hope you plan something lovely with your children and leave madam to it.

Haha! Absolutely ripe for a response of "Sorry, living too long for what?" with a confused face.

I had a female relative who did the health crisis. She would either a) claim palpitations or b) lie down and say she had fallen.

Op did she know about the hospital appointment?

So she thinks taking a child to hospital is a woman’s job but taking a dog to the vet is a man’s job… oh ok…
You’re not going to change her so just enjoy your time off from her while she’s sulking.

Exactly why I went no contact. Insane demands all the time (not to mention years of insults and snide remarks) and I was manipulating her son for daring to ask him to pick up our daughter from Brownies. Then when she got ill wanted to live with us as ‘it’s what families do’
Nope nope nope

Yeah, this. Leave her to it.

God and I thought my ex-MIL was batshit.

Go NC. It will save yourself years of grief. Shes done you a favour OP.

Sounds like a win win on the Boxing Day quite frankly.

Make plans to have a really lovely Boxing Day and don’t be guilttripped into spending BD at MIL!

Single parent, so her son became her surrogate husband. That’s why she thinks you “took him away” from her. In her eyes you are the other woman.

Her comment about how he had a family before you makes me laugh, when she needs to take her own advice and realise he has a family now that’s comes before her!!!!

I am just so pleased you have a husband that has a spine and stands up for himself and his family. I’ve read too many mummy’s boys stories where the men are so enmeshed.

Exactly- people dont realise its not the punishment they think it is - its actually a gift not to have to spend time with their miserable selves

She knows exactly what she's doing and she sounds like a controlling narcissistic bitch who clearly has form for this kind of manipulative game playing.

Enjoy Boxing Day without her!

I am glad your husband told her his children are his priority. I’d ignore her till she stops he stupid jealousy. My mil is similarly jealous and as DH is an only child she puts a lot of expectations on him. I was done with her years ago but tolerate her for DH. She tried to cause an argument between me and him several years ago by lying. During Covid I was ready to take her head off her shoulders the way she acted like a spoilt child.

Sounds like she thinks you stole her husband OP. She's an idiot and thank goodness your DH sees through her BS.

I would ask him to ask her to explain why exactly she has now "forgiven" him but not you. Maybe she'll be able to see what nonsense this is if required to explain herself. And if she won't back down, enjoy your peaceful new life!

It's sad that she can't see him being a good husband & father & be proud.

‘don’t bother visiting on Boxing Day I’ve had enough of you

I think this is unforgivably rude after your kind responses to her.

I would be tempted to reply, “Noted. After your rudeness today, unfortunately this really isn’t the punishment you seem to think it is.” 😄

But in reality it probably wouldn’t be wise. You need to involve your dh in how you respond.

One thing I would consider though in reading your update; does your mil live alone op? Are these sudden “emergency” requests possibly a result of panic or fear about getting older, feeling isolated? Maybe a calm conversation could be held addressing those issues once the current drama has passed. Would an emergency button alert service work for her?

She may be an unforgivably rude and possessive cow, or she may be expressing a need for more support really badly because she is too proud to admit that she needs help?

Just a thought!

WOW! This is not ok... She sounds unhinged. Leave her to it on Boxing day...and every day after that

Could you not go round and help with the dog?

Furious on your behalf OP!

I would book a Boxing Day outing for you and the kids before the sexist loon comes crawling back. A lovely meal out and activity maybe? And let DH tell her in all innocence that you made other arrangements when she disinvited you. Make sure he's vague about what those arrangements are so she doesn't try to join in, and/or make it something that dogs definitely can't attend.

She sounds like my late MIL. I went very low contact with her in the end and let DH deal with her madness.