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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise to sibling

725 replies

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:09

It's another inheritance one!

My sibling and I had a verbal agreement that I would take DF's whole estate when he died (as I'm the only one named in his will, sibling isn't as they don't get on, they keep saying he was abusive when they were a child etc. which is stupid as he's pleasant now) and my sibling would take DM's.

DM died earlier this year somewhat unexpectedly and didn't leave any legal will. We then found a draft will naming sibling as taking the bulk of the estate and leaving me a small remainder. This tallies with what DM told me i would be left, as she phoned me up before she died and told me she was trying to 'make it fair' between us.

Initially I told sibling to sort out all the administrative stuff for DM's estate as I was about to have my first DC and was too busy to take it on. Sibling initially was communicative, let me know what was happening. Involved me in the funeral etc.

After a few weeks I told sibling I wanted 50% of mum's estate as per the law since there was no valid will and that i would buy sibling out of their share of the house. Sibling then mostly stopped talking to me, I couldn't find out what was happening with the estate etc. and we argued several times. Sibling was insisting I was doing the wrong thing for pushing for my 50% and they kept mentioning DF's will, which is unreasonable IMO and I find it sad they are talking about this before he's even passed. Sibling wanted to put DM's house up for auction and said they'd be in touch when the estate admin was sorted and would follow the intestacy rules. Then they started selling off assets e.g. the car without consulting me.

I went and got a solicitor to send a letter to my sibling as I wasn't getting any detail about the estate and they were refusing to have me buy out 50% of their share of the house. The solicitor sent a few letters and eventually now sibling has agreed I can buy out their share.

They're now not talking to me though and have refused to see me over Christmas etc. until I 'acknowledge what I've done'. I don't see that I've done anything wrong, I've just pushed for my legal inheritance, and sibling cut contact first. So AIBU?

OP posts:
InveterateWineDrinker · 10/12/2025 12:38

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 12:25

@monty34 sibling applied to be administrator and once i told them i wanted my 50% they started selling off assets, paying off debts etc. without consulting me. So hardly clear and open communication.

Selling off assets and paying off debts is literally what the administrator of an estate does. You even told the sibling to go and apply for it because you weren't interested in doing it yourself.

I don't often make criticism personal, but you sound really unpleasant. I'm not surprised your sibling is just getting on with it and not consulting you.

MrsSlocombesCat · 10/12/2025 12:38

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 11:58

Honestly surprised at most of (not all!) of the responses here. My majority of the family are on my side. It's sad my sibling just doesn't seem to prioritise doing what's best for family

You're unbelievable and so are your family. Every post you make digs a deeper hole. Your poor sister. Seems to me it's you and your family who are at fault but you don't care what we think, because we don't agree with you. Morally reprehensible through and through.

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 10/12/2025 12:38

You're in the wrong here. I hope the money makes you happy - and is worth throwing away your relationship with your sibling.

Katie0909 · 10/12/2025 12:39

So your sister was abused by her father, you've completely belittled her experience and now you've reneged on your agreement and want half of your mum's estate. It's no surprise she wants nothing to do with you as you are a repugnant person. Just because the intestacy law says it gets split 50/50 doesn't mean you can't let her have it all. Or you could take 50% but agree to give her 50% of what your dad leaves. I would never do what you've done to my siblings and it sounds as though everyone on here feels that way, apart from you. Your attitude is selfish and unkind so why would your sibling want to be in contact with you?

peachgreen · 10/12/2025 12:39

Oh, this has to be a reverse.

That said, the whole thing is ridiculous and both estates should be split 50/50.

Scottishskifun · 10/12/2025 12:39

Unless your giving your sister half of your dad's estate so that it's fair your being massively unreasonable grabby and entitled.
Your ignoring your mother's wishes and seeing pound signs. I'm not surprised your sister isn't talking to you!

Stompingupthemountain · 10/12/2025 12:39

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 12:06

@OneMoreProfiterole that's irrelevant to this thread. But fwiw myself and other members of the family have managed to move on and help DF out, it's sibling who is bitter about it all

You might want to martyrs but your sibling is absolutely valid in how they feel about their childhood. I imagine the rest of you are actually far more damaged by your father’s behaviour than you care to admit and that’s why you’re in this aggressive denial.

EmeraldPebble · 10/12/2025 12:41

This has to be a reverse… Otherwise you’re a certified CF!

InlandTaipan · 10/12/2025 12:41

You are legally entitled to claim 50% of your mother's estate. You are not legally or morally entitled to a relationship with your sibling. Understandably they wouldn't touch you with a 10' barge pole and I dont blame them.

NavyNorris · 10/12/2025 12:42

Just to be absolutely clear (I apologise as I have horrible brain fog) -

You wish to have 50% of your mother's estate.

You will be getting 100% of your father's estate.

Is that correct? Or will you be splitting DF's estate 50/50 with your siblings.

If you don't intend to split DF's estate 50/50 then I think it's very unreasonable to expect a 50/50 split of DM's estate, especially with the verbal agreement you had in place. But if you're going to split both 50/50 then that seems fair.

Original poster
Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 12:43

NavyNorris · 10/12/2025 12:42

Just to be absolutely clear (I apologise as I have horrible brain fog) -

You wish to have 50% of your mother's estate.

You will be getting 100% of your father's estate.

Is that correct? Or will you be splitting DF's estate 50/50 with your siblings.

If you don't intend to split DF's estate 50/50 then I think it's very unreasonable to expect a 50/50 split of DM's estate, especially with the verbal agreement you had in place. But if you're going to split both 50/50 then that seems fair.

No, I don't see why I should when sibling doesn't help out with DF.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 10/12/2025 12:43

Solentsolo · 10/12/2025 11:12

So you agreed she would get mum’s estates and you would get dads estate, and your now backing out of that agreement?

This. And you are confused at to why she’s angry?

ThatCyanCat · 10/12/2025 12:47

Well you'd certainly be dishonest to apologise when you're not remotely sorry and have every intention of disregarding your mother's wishes, reneging on the deal and screwing over your sibling. So in that sense, I guess you're not unreasonable not to pretend that you regret what you're doing. No need to add insult to injury.

beAsensible1 · 10/12/2025 12:47

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 12:43

No, I don't see why I should when sibling doesn't help out with DF.

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You are a very grubby person

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/12/2025 12:47

Feelingrotten · 10/12/2025 12:38

What is a reverse?

Where someone posts about a situation as if they are the other person in the situation, @Feelingrotten . So in this case, the OP would actually be the sibling who is getting rooked out of half their mum’s estate, not the one who has chosen to go back on the previous agreement.

It can be quite a manipulative thing to do.

Threewordname · 10/12/2025 12:47

So are you going to give sibling 50% of DF's estate? If not, why not? And will the estates be of equal value?

ThatCyanCat · 10/12/2025 12:47

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/12/2025 12:47

Where someone posts about a situation as if they are the other person in the situation, @Feelingrotten . So in this case, the OP would actually be the sibling who is getting rooked out of half their mum’s estate, not the one who has chosen to go back on the previous agreement.

It can be quite a manipulative thing to do.

Show quote history

I wondered if it was a reverse at first and I still do, but they usually admit it by this point.

Hollietree · 10/12/2025 12:48

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 12:43

No, I don't see why I should when sibling doesn't help out with DF.

Show quote history

What has helping out got to do with it. I live near my parents and do the majority of helping them out. I have 3 siblings but they all live far away - one of the other side of the world so only sees our parents every 2/3 years.

Their will is split equally between the 4 of us. I would be horrified to inherit more than my siblings, just because I lived nearby and had a closer relationship with them.

Parents should always treat their children equally.

NavyNorris · 10/12/2025 12:48

OP - who's estate is worth more? DF or DM? If it's DF, even by a tiny bit then my advice would be to let your sibling have DM's estate.

I can appreciate that it must be stressful when you feel another sibling isn't helping out but it sounds like they have their reasons and I think unless your sibling is the absolute devil incarnate then it's not worth falling out over.

In this instance I would probably keep DF's inheritance and let sibling as DM's as was agreed previously.

Glowingup · 10/12/2025 12:48

Bearingsbear20 · 10/12/2025 12:43

No, I don't see why I should when sibling doesn't help out with DF.

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So why should you get your mums estate when you know that’s not what she wanted then?

beAsensible1 · 10/12/2025 12:49

Glowingup · 10/12/2025 12:48

So why should you get your mums estate when you know that’s not what she wanted then?

Show quote history

exactly. all this faux morality and concern.

mealy mouthed rubbish to try and excuse the inexcusable.

Freeyourmind · 10/12/2025 12:50

I just cannot for the life of me understand why you would even want to spend Christmas with your sibling. They have made (in your eyes) unwarranted accusations and don't help with your father! You clearly don't like them. You've been repeatedly told you are unreasonable, and yet you don't agree with that either. I honestly don't know what you are gaining from continuing this thread or your sibling relationship.

Theslummymummy · 10/12/2025 12:52

You are a horrible person

Bamfram · 10/12/2025 12:52

So 150k to and 50k to your sister approximately between the two estates?

Its a shame, but it does happen.
If you are doing a lot for your father and could be for years to come, that is a burden to carry alone.

GilmoreGirly86 · 10/12/2025 12:53

Goodness, your poor sibling. So you verbally agreed to something then went back on it when you realised that you could profit from it financially. You left all the hard work of sorting everything when DM died to your sibling, and you knew your DM's wishes were for them to have a bigger share of hers to make it fair, but you went after it anyway. And you think you should get a bigger share of DF's because you still speak to him after what you have admitted is appalling behaviour in your childhood which your sibling is entitled not to forgive. Do you not see the hypocrisy in what you're saying/doing? You are money hungry and self seeking and you seem surprised at being called out on that. I feel for your sibling, I hope that they can draw a line under this sooner rather than later and never have anything to do with you ever again.