To expect financial support from my husband

[PoisedUmberCrab]

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

OP, look at Coercive control carefully.
It is a crime now.
The police are far more willing to investigate and go forward to presecute.
Educate yourself about it and see if it applies.
He has definitely been financially abusing you.
If you were to report him, you might be entitled to legal aid, so look carefully.

I saw the first post and wanted to just write "divorce". No getting through to someone like that. Glad to see you've taken the step, good luck from a fellow divorcee.

Please do it while they’re young. It will be easier on them they’ll get used to it and you’ll get your life back sooner.

I waited and am 12 years in to a marriage that will end in divorce (his choice 🙄) but I don’t want to put the DC through it so will put up with a meh relationship for their sake.

to everyone asking why OP had a second child in these circumstances, I strongly suspect it’s because she was determined to ‘complete’ her family, wanted the same dad etc. She won’t have expected things to be any different second time round, but made the calculation that it was worth it to have her two kids.

Doesn’t change the fact that her husband is a prick and she is right to leave him.

People who won’t take the risk of sharing a joint account but have no issue sharing a child or two. Will never understand it.

We have had a similar set up since we moved in together at 21. Over time more and more of our life has come out of our joint account. Nowadays our personal accounts are usually for special clothes for ourselves, presents for one anothers families and we are responsible for managing our own savings. We only query payments on the joint if it's to check it's a payment one of the two of us had made and it's "is this you?" Not "why have you been buying?" We pay proportionally into the joint account most of the time, so we have the same savings opportunities - our earnings are similar ball park most of the time. At the moment I only have maternity allowance so that's all going into the joint account. I'm using the joint account for all of my spending and paying into my pension. If I was worried about justifying expenses I would have had it paid into my own account and kept some for life costs and pay the rest into joint account.

We have been together for nearly 20 years since we were teenagers and all of functioning adult lives have been living together and we have very similar views on spending which makes it work.

Tell him he can fuck right off @60% 🤣

Your husband is a piece of shit. In all the years I have posted and read here, I’ve never had such a visceral feeling of anger towards someone else (a total stranger at that.)

Why are women taking on the physical and financial burden of children? Why did you grow this cunt a baby? He won’t even provide for a family. Get rid!

I can only assume you’re married to my first husband, as your situation is exactly what he had in mind, if I’d become pregnant.

Luckily (with hindsight) he left me before I conceived. But even before then, he earned shed loads more than me but still expected me to pay 50% of everything. I was permanently skint and borrowing petrol money from my parents.

Holy mother…I’m so sorry OP. Fuck fuck fuck. At least it sounds like you have supportive family to lean on after you leave him.

My own view is that once children enter the equation all money should go into a joint account and both parents can take the same (agreed) amount out every month to pay personal expenses. Getting married invalidates previous will, having children invalidates previous financial arrangements!

You should have split the pregnancy 20 weeks each.

Another marriage where finances are not shared. Not a true marriage is it?

He's a twat. Glad you're starting the divorce ball rolling, good for you.

During my first pregnancy, we decided to share all money, entirely. We have joint current account plus joint and separate savings but it's all shared, it just depends on best interest rates, regular savers etc. I have no idea who pays for what specifically, we both do for everything. Much simpler.

I’m assuming these were his children you were carrying and taking maternity for? Charge him rental fees for your body, and maybe renovation fees. And childcare for maternity leave. Asshole!! Take whatever you can get. He’s built those savings off your back.

ABSOLUTELY I would second this opinion.

Read the updates now

Good luck

Not sure it is the same, he was at home doing nothing, she pushed 2 babies out probably breast feeding, was he getting up in the night to help with his children I doubt it. If he had to employ a wet nurse & 24hr nanny I wonder how much that would cost? My arse it’s the same.

I fear this man is going to fight dirty OP! Keep strong.

@PoisedUmberCrab Why on earth didn’t you charge him the equivalent of 50% of what a nursery fee would be for his share of you looking after his baby while you were on nat leave? I would have given him a monthly invoice just like nursery issue for your ‘work’. To be frank, when it gets to that people need to separate but meanwhile while getting ducks in a row, monthly invoices it is!

You need to be greedy for your dc sake. He’s shown you who he is where money is concerned and if you have to go through cos he will organise the business so you get the bare minimum.

Glad you have decided to take action on this @PoisedUmberCrab
He sounds like such a dickhead. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a flatmate.
I wonder how he has such a bizarre outlook on finances? Does it come from his upbringing?
My husband and I have a joint account where most of our money goes. We both keep the same amount of 'pocket money' back for random treats. All other spending comes from the joint account.
When we first got together, we earned more or less the same. He now earns nearly 3 times the amount that I earn. We have always seen it as 'our money'.
Also mat leave is not the same as redundancy. You should both support each other through both scenarios, however, parental leave is an active decision from both parties

Ok, he isn't paying for your contribution but he should be paying for his children no, there are two of them and so his contribution should have increased, using that logic, including maternity leave costs.
He's just selfish financially.

You should never have to borrow off family he should be funding more for HIS children!
Good on you for divorce! Do it. And don't look back you deserve a million times better.

Housing needs of the children trump him wanting his deposit in full and 60% investment. Let him learn that the hard way! He'll only get that if there are the funds to do it after the children are house. Starting point is 50/50. But increases with need. You both need to be fairly homed. He can want, doesn't mean he gets.
As you're married, he doesn't get to decide this stuff and courts don't really enforce tenants in common or pre/post nups, or I want it, it's mind. Just because he lives in this it's all mine and you can't have it, courts don't recognise that, it's ALL marital i.e
joint, they don't allow for seperate finances when splitting assets even if you lived that way. it's all about the section 25 factors (ie housing the kids).

Setting a good financial example and not being used by a husband will better your children boys and girls in their future relationships. It might feel destabilising now, but normalising you being less than in a relationship is far more damaging, remember children treat themselves in adulthood as you treat yourself not how you treat them. Good luck on your journey 💟

Christ what an arsehole!! I earn less than my husband so we pay a fair split of the bills based on our salaries (think it works out I cover about 30%). When on maternity leave first time, we both saved to help cover that portion whilst off as husbands salary wouldn’t have been enough to cover everything outright. We also included for me to have a couple hundred a month for just general spending (toddler groups, baby sensory etc) as I was only eligible for maternity allowance. That was tough for us and I’d have loved to be in the position of some of these woman who didn’t have to worry about paying anything, but not realistic for everyone. But for them not to contribute at all is awful! Takes two to make a baby at the end of the day. I’m now about to start second maternity leave, thankfully we are in a better position with my husbands earnings so can be bit more relaxed, and I’m eligible for more pay through my work, but husband still chipping in of course