To expect financial support from my husband

[PoisedUmberCrab]

….during mat leave.

background - just finished mat leave with
DC2. Situation was the same with DC1.

both work full time typically and contribute 50/50 towards mortgage, bills and all other expenses.

during mat leave my salary was 46% of what I usually earn (ie less than half). DH expected me to continue paying 50% of mortgage, bills expenses. His rationale is that he was not earning any more than usual.

this has left me in a hard position financially whereby I borrowed from my family to get by.

AIBU to think that he should have increased his contributions whilst I was earning significantly less than usual (and looking after our child on mat leave for a year).

Wow, I had to read this post twice as I couldn't believe it the first time 😳.
Surely in a family situation like this your finances should be joint, as they're his children too.
Your husband needs to step up OP.

Bill him for childcare pain of labour & childbirth, house work at the going rate. These aren’t just your children he is a parent to. Havn’t you told your family what he is doing contact women’s aid this is financial abuse. Better still file for divorce get 50% of everything. This behaviour will not get better, he will continue to use your children against you. Is this what you wanted for them in a father?

Since he wants you to continue paying 50% during your mat leave, I'd love to hear how he's planning to cover his 50% of the childcare?

You will kick yourself forever if you “go quietly” now OP honestly please take absolutely everything you are entitled to, you need to set you and your children up for life, don’t give him the financial power of always being the parent who can afford all the nice things for your children while you struggle to make ends meet forever more,

As I said it ended up with 2 threads so I can't remember all the details, but to summarise:

-OP claimed that she did "more admin", and had sacrificed her career before the 50/50 arrangement came into play, and thus should be entitled to maintenance.
-CMS awarded her the money based on her claim that she was the primary parent.
-Ex withdrew the voluntary payments he'd been making up to that date.
-Ex put in a mandatory reconsideration
-CMS said that as she was in receipt of child benefit and the parents couldn't agree, they classified her as primary carer
-Ex made a counterclaim for child benefit. OP was certain he wouldn't be awarded it because he earned too much to actually get the money.

-Child benefit launched an investigation, found it was 50/50 and awarded him one CB and her the other.
-Ex went back to CMS who agreed that in a 50/50 case, there should never have been any payments, and the child benefit provided the necessary proof.
-CMS ordered her to pay back all the money paid up to then.
-Ex filled the children in on what had happened. Both children were disgusted with OP and moved in with Ex.

So yeh, if you lie to CMS and pretend to be the primary parent, they're unlikely to challenge it much, but if the other parent can prove you're lying, you will find that cheats don't prosper.

He will find to his cost that that is not how it works when you are married and he has not legally ring fenced his contributions. Click that button, OP!

This is exactly why people should sort out their finances right from the very beginning. It also is a graphic illustration of the benefit of prenuptial agreements: you start off knowing exactly where you stand and you have had the difficult conversations and faced financial realities right from the beginning.

OP, you are married, not just cohabiting or in a in a business relationship. You’re actually married. Did you exchange vows or promises at your wedding ceremony? Did you promise to share what you have? Chances are that you did, but even if you didn’t bestow your earthly goods on each other, you did exchange some gooey, starry eyed promises that “all I have I share with you“ or some such cluck that it turns out that nobody believes except for the five minutes of the wedding ceremony. That’s certainly the way the two of you are behaving.

It sounds as though your husband is saying “ what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is my own“. I do wonder what people really think that a marriage is, when they behave like this.

Your assets are joint assets. Who earns what and into what account the money is paid into doesn’t make any difference. Sit down together and work out your joint income and your outgoings. Work out with each of you needs, what you want to save and divvy it up. This, of course, is what you would have to do if you split up so get real now. If you’re intending to stay together then this is the only fair way to manage things. If you are going to separate in the future, then you need to face realities and have difficult discussions as early as possible.

There can be no sense of partnership when you’re splitting things up as though you’re 7 -year-olds arguing about who has the larger slice of cake. This is absolutely a ridiculous way to carry on a marriage.

Was having the kids a little treat for you? Like a spa weekend or a new outfit?

What an absolute tosser.

God what a tight arsed cretin he is.

This man is going to be a pain, however you approach this. He has no concept of what you have given up to have your children, not least the value of your contribution to their care. Please ensure you have as much information about all of his assets as possible and keep records of all threats he makes to hide his income so that you have to pay maintenance. Yes.. put your children first but don't give away more than you should because it does not sound like he will be reasonable.

He's an asshole and you're well rid of him.

Well time to strip your head of any notion of 50/50 or being scared of litigation and focus on getting a good sympathetic lawyer who will clean him out. If he hasn't done a deed of trust (and even then) it matters not a jot about what he's said about house deposit
Why are you downgrading yourself to a flat with kids ? You can't afford mortgage on your own? With a lodger? On universal credit? With half his pension and half the house and his deposit, you can't buy him out the house or afford something smaller but in a good school catchment?
Time to focus and think
You will be primary carer
As you are now
And he hasn't even got a chance to turn te kids against you
He won't even have them 50/50
Log all his working hours and time away and you will be breastfeeding the baby etc so..
You might want to look up forensic accountants as presumably he's going to hide his assets
Hack/read his emails read his letters etc do everything you can whilst he's out.

Did he put that in writing and you signed and agreed to it. If not he can want all he likes. It is marital property so any equity (including what ever deposit was put down) goes in the marital pot

Be greedy. Expect between 50-70% of everything. Including his pension, investments and savings

It also could be argued that the flats income are part of the marital pot and therefore at the least the rise in equity for the time you have been married should at the very least be part of the pot too

Whether you take a little or go after the lot he is going to get awkward and horrible and abusive. You are doing yourself and your children no good by trying to be reasonable

I have read more than once on here of women who have not taken their entitlement and left their cheating ex’s with pots of money Only for dc when they get to teenagers, go live with their dad because dad has money to give them everything and mum is left behind

You’ve had children with the wrong man, leave him.

Your husband is a selfish cunt. That's all there is to say.

This will be hugely unpopular but considering carrying a child and giving birth puts a huge toll on our bodies esp with botched births what price can we put on that ?
After a section my belly hangs down and without surgery it won't ever go back.smooth
If my husband was so Petty I'd be asking how much that's worth ,actual body disfigurement ? And other hangovers like a sore lower back becUwe she came out back to back..
Again what price on long term pain ?

Id be tempted to bill for every single moment I had to do more than him eg make Christmas happen every dinner choosing what to cook and so on.

Men are the biggest disappointment of my life.

He is in for a shock if he thinks he is going to get spousal maintenance.

Even if that was a thing (unless you are both mega earners) Has he conveniently forgotten about the rental incomes he gets

@FairKoala goodness that so sad !!

Agree- get a decent solicitor and get as much as you can from this marriage. Your future self will thank you. Why the fuck should you be fair to a man who let you borrow money on mat leave

You poor thing. My heart goes out to you.

You have been very brave submitting your divorce application.

The only thing that worries me is if he pays himself dividends does he have to actually pay you maintenance? Or can he fiddle things to make it seem he earns less than he actually does.

I hope you wipe the floor with him.

You really do need to get as much as you can in the divorce. If he pays himself by dividends and is self employed then he can mess that around a lot to hide it from HMRC and therefore not have to pay child maintenance.

Get as much info about his finances as you can so you can push for an investigation if he does suddenly claim to earn nothing. You need to be tough here.

This kinda stuff hurts my heart. They’re his children too. Unless you strong armed him into having children he definitely and explicitly didn’t want…. I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want to support the mother of his children (and his wife…). Was he equally unsupportive through pregnancy? Whilst I get splitting things 50-50 whilst you’re both working and on equal incomes… but pretending your pregnancy and mat leave is a a “you” problem alone is insane. You’re life partners. Does he want the mother of his children to be homeless because she can’t afford her half of the mortgage anymore?

Currently pregnant with our first. Lucky it’s been a very uneventful pregnancy so far but my DH has been my absolute rock and shuts me down every time I worry about the lack of money on mat leave. “We will be fine.”

@PoisedUmberCrab has he come home?
How has be been with you all if so.
I'd like to say im surprised he ignored the children this morning, I'm not.
Hope you are doing okay 💐