To think I'm doing an unfair share of the housework? (male)

[Unjeffeson]

Hi all, looking for unbiased outside perspective.

I (m40) live with my wife (f40), DD (3) and dog (f5).

My wife has been asking for me to do progressively more of the household tasks over the last 2 years, and I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed.

Currently my pile is as follows:

• All meals
• All meal cleanups and dishes and kitchen cleaning
• All laundry and putting away clothes
• All dog walks (twice daily plus evening poo run)
• All bathtimes
• All overnight child getups (typically 2/3 of nights - wife sleeps through these)
• All nursery drop-offs and pickups, including prepping her bag
• All household maintenance (anything physical)
• All grocery shops
• Management of our financial spreadsheet
• Making sure plans go into our shared diary
• Usual man-column tasks like garbage, garden care, car care etc.

In addition I run my own small business and make around 70% of our income, so have the responsibility of not messing that up.

I've recently had an ADHD diagnosis which, while in itself doesn't change much, it's confirmed that I'm quite likely to struggle with too many responsibilities and organisation.

My wife does the other stuff. This includes admittedly high cognitive load stuff like buying all DD's clothes and toys (almost all online), organising medical and vet appointments, the 3 weekly classes DD does, settling her at bedtime, and organising our bi-weekly cleaner. She also looks after our daughter on Fridays, but this is entirely out of choice as we'd be a little financially better off if she went to nursery and my wife worked. (We split childcare 50-50 otherwise).

The problem is that my wife says she feels stressed at work and wants me to take on some more stuff to help her out. But I feel like my schedule is already super crammed and I'm not able to give the attention to my work that I'd like. I've got the chance to take on an extra client as well but she doesn't seem that interested in the extra money, just expresses concern about workload.

She also wants another kid and since she had an early miscarriage earlier this year (which did affect her mentally) she's very focused on fertility at the moment.
I am scared as to how another baby can fit into our world as I don't think I have the bandwidth for much more, and I'll need to if she's got a newborn.

So AIBU to think she needs to toughen up a little bit and split the work more fairly? Or perhaps go back to work 5 days to allow her more work focus time (her 4 day schedule is more like 4.5+ days of work)? I'm aware of the toll miscarriage can have and I haven't pushed back much so far, but it's frustrating me that her contribution to the household seems to be largely doing tasks on her phone and playing with our kid.

Well presumably she’s sat staring at a laptop when she’s doing her work, so this is a massive double standard. You need to have a long albeit possibly painful talk about all this as the current set up seems unsustainable. Try for when you’re both calm and not knackered, although easier said than done I’m sure.

@Unjeffeson there are two things here.

What would she say her tasks are and would she agree that yours take longer and are more burdensome when coupled with your paid workloads? Impartially she may agree that yours take longer task list is bigger than hers.

What you have made almost no mention of, and certainly not in the context of being a loving partner, is whether you wife is struggling to cope with her workload and therefore begging you to take on more to help her at present. If so, why wouldn’t you do this? Why would you be on here complaining about the disparity instead of sucking it up like people in partnerships have to do sometimes?

Being married to a man with adhd can be utterly draining. She may have reached burnout with doing most of the tasks on your list as well as her list for many years. Is there any possibility that she’s wanting you to experience the equivalent workload to what she’s been doing for you in the past?

I wish we had her perspective here.

Either your wife is lazy and making it seem like she is struggling when she does anything or she seriously needs help- she needs to go to her GP and you both need counselling.

Given this, I’d say with some urgency that neither of you have the bandwidth for another kid. Have you considered a vasectomy to minimize the chances of that?

This

DW is lazy I'm afraid.

Reminds me of a colleague at work. His DW was a SAHM whilst the kids were young and just never returned to work once the DC all left home. Sits around all day playing candycrush or on the phone to her mum. He returns home most days and the breakfast/lunch dishes are still in the sink. He has to cook the dinners and do the dog walks (even returns home at lunchtime to walk the dog), household tasks. She always has an excuse mind.

If you let her your DW will continue to take the piss.

To be honest, both working from home, child in (almost) full time nursery, and having a cleaner every two weeks who does the bulk of the cleaning, you only have to keep things clean and tidy in between their visits, you should both be pissing this life between you, it's worrying that you are resenting each other this much.

You're not answering the extra questions about who does the bulk of the childcare when you are both at home, you say your wife looks after her while you do all the chores, and you only mention bathtime and nursery drops off and pick up, so assumedly your wife is default parent the rest of the time the child is awake, gets her up dressed, fed, entertained, supervised, etc? I'm sure you would have mentioned that if any of that fell to you.

IMO it stands to reason that whoever is looking after the child alone after work in the evenings/weekend, the other should be doing the chores heavy lifting during that time, so making the tea, cleaning up after, walking the dog etc should be done by the person who isn't dealing with the child.. that is pretty standard sharing of responsibilities when very young kids are involved, it works because when the child is in bed you are then both free to do your own thing with all household responsibilities dealt with for the day, ideally you would both be more flexible in who does what though to avoid resentment.

I think part of the issue is that you think looking after the child isn't a 'job' that she is doing, but it really is, she's only three, not old enough to be left to play unsupervised etc, plus she is out with her three times a week.. if she did the (chores) you are describing AS WELL AS then she would be working twice as hard (doing it with a child in tow), while you get the easy life with less chores and zero childcare responsibility.

While the child is small you either share EVERYTHING 50/50 (adjusting for the disparity in your work schedules), or one deals with the bulk of the childcare, while the other picks up the non childcare related jobs (chores), if it's not working you need to address why, it's counter productive to just assume the other person isn't 'doing enough', but that seems to be where you both are right now.

This is interesting to me.

I do not think that you are MY husband, because some of the details are a bit different, but I am certainly a wife in a very similar marriage to yours. My husband does all jobs that you do, and I do none of them. What he does not do is any of the decision-making. I make literally every decision about our lives.

Where we will live with our family, how much we can spend on a house, what renovations the house needs v what we can afford, how many children we will have, what schools the children will go to, whether we can afford to work part time, what fertility treatment we will go through, what activities the children will do, where we will go on holiday, how much life insurance we need. Etc etc.

My husband does not input into any of this (literally, any of it. He doesn't even decide what position we have sex in), and I feel like my brain is drowning with the degree to which all decisions about our joint life, and therefore all risk if something goes wrong, is on me. My husband does all the cooking and cleans up and then he is DONE and he has peace of mind in his downtime, and I am awake until midnight every night going through the budgeting spreadsheet and worrying about whether we have overstretched ourselves (and by "we" I mean "I", because as the sole decision-maker it's all on me if we lose out home).

I would like to change this set up. Because I honestly feel that I have been pushed out of my family's life in some ways by not doing the everyday tasks. And looking at an objective list of jobs that my husband does does make me feel bad, because he does do a lot. Bug I also want him to recognise that it's not a simple as him having the longer list means that he does more. I have relieved his mind of every concern he might have ever had and now I scream along to the lyrics of Surface Pressure from Encanto in the car. Like fuck am I just going to start taking the bins out while he refuses any responsibility for any decisions.

I think it's impossible not to look at this through the lens of sex, even if in the perfect world the sex of the individuals involved would be irrelevant. And the reality is that it IS unusual for the man to be doing the vast bulk and for the woman to STILL feel completely overwhelmed. Which means that either you're missing some of what she's doing or, your wife is actually in crisis and needs to possibly consider seeking some support. Or possibly some combination of those.

DH does his share, so I'm not complaining. But I guarantee ifyou asked him, he thinks he's doing a LOT more. The laundry, for example is one where he thinks he does 90% of it. hahahahahahaha. Ditto, between us, we still have quite a few day to day tasks that have to be done between fortnightly cleaner visits - if only one of us was doing them, that person would be resentful and overwhelmed. And I constantly tear my hair out at all the bloody organising I have to do - as that is 100% on me. DH just doesn't think about schedules, planning at all.

At the same time, for her ot be struggling so much also suggests there's more going on here and I think you should explore that.

Or, of course, she's just a dick. But as I said, it's almost impossible not to look at this with an understanding of what's "normal" based on sex and this is not.

I so hear this. DH isn't as bad as this at all, but if he's out and about and my phone rings, my heart sinks as inevitably he wants my input on some minor decision I dont' need to input on. Similarly, right now we're in crisis becuase he wants to do a "thing" but there's a conflict with another "thing" and he literally can't get his head around it so of course, I have to sort it out and plan it and agree and negotiate a compromise with all parties. Meanwhile, this morning I have booked DD's christmas lunch, phoned the hospital to book her appointment, responded to the SENCO at DS' school (who emailed both of us, obviously), and told DH that yes, it's fine for him to go out tonight even though he hasn't mentioned it to be before and he had to ask me because he has no idea what might or might not be on the agenda for today.

The problem is that my wife says she feels stressed at work and wants me to take on some more stuff to help her out.

I'm interested on what she wants you to take on? Have you asked her? According to your list you already do all the household chores so what else is she asking you to do?

Who ever cooks the other wahes up surely.
My dh does the jobs I can't but it's evenly split.
He shops as he wants lidl food and I don't drive.
He does kitchen I do bathroom.
I do washing he does shopping.
He cuts the grass I trim bushes put plants in and sweep up.
Your other half is taking advantage.I have ADHD so I can massively understand the complete overwhelm.
Your are doing a househusbands chores whilst working.!!

"organising medical and vet appointments"
Unless your kid and pooch is deathly ill, how often an occurance would this realistically be? I haven't been to the GP in years.

You may have to accept that he may not think that all the things you think are necessary are priorities. For instance, you might think that living in an area with Outstanding Schools is a top priority. He might think that Good schools suffice.

It's less that he would think a Good school would suffice, and more that he wouldn't let the notion of even considering a preference about schools cross his pretty little mind. God I would love for him to tell me that something would suffice.

Where we will live with our family, how much we can spend on a house, what renovations the house needs v what we can afford, how many children we will have, what schools the children will go to, whether we can afford to work part time, what fertility treatment we will go through, what activities the children will do, where we will go on holiday, how much life insurance we need. Etc etc.

How often do you need to make these decisions? Most of these are one offs once a year or even once every few years.

How can you honestly pretend these decisions take up your time or bandwidth?

Well tbh, you probably do have adequate schools on most UK doorsteps. It's valid for people to not really care about those things. It seems like you married someone who just has different values to you. That doesn't make either of you wrong.

If she thinks she is doing more and you are not doing enough -suggest that you swap your chores. From now on you do your wife’s chores and vice versa. If she is not willing to swap, then she does know you do more.

I love the way you specify the age and sex of your dog and not your daughter. And without that little clue in brackets how would I ever have guessed that your wife might be female (f) ?!

I think you need to shelve the idea of another child and look for ways to reduce the household work load. Because if your wife can't cope and you can't take on any more, there's no earthly sense in adding extra work into the mix, and you need a solution where the burden is reduced not fought over by two people who both feel they are at their capacity.
I'd be taking a good look at the current work and streamlining it down to essentials only. Because some things you do may be possible to be shelved until a point in life when your DC take up less time. Some extra curricular stuff carries a greater cost in stress and work than it brings in benefit. Be ruthless.
Then consider if there's anything essential that could be simplified. There's loads of on line advice about reducing domestic workload by swapping out some meals for easier ones, using labour saving planning etc.
Then I'd consider if there was any help I could utilise or buy in.
After I'd reduced the burden to the minimum then I'd be looking to distribute it in accordance with capacity. Which may not be 50/50, because one of you may have greater time, ability, better health etc. The aim being a functional split that doesn't risk either of you becoming burned out by it.

I’m married to an ADHD er and also find this interesting. DH would say he does a lot and I would agree. Except that whenever he does a deep clean of the toilet say, complete with, Viakal, bleach or his product of the moment, I still need to go in and dust the window sill and shelves, clean the mirror, empty the bin, change the hand towel and top up the soap and loo roll. Rinse and repeat for every task.

I would also like to know the wife’s perspective here.

Yes it would appear you are doing more.

Obviously, life isn't an equation and a totally even split isn't always 'fair', but it seems pretty clear in this case she needs to step up.

However it sounds like she is suffering from stress and anxiety and you some ADHD overwhelm, so you need to be v considerate of each other on this.

You need to sit down to discuss it, explaining to her that you are at capacity, if not a little over, and you need to find some better solutions together.

She really doesn't sound all that well, so she should see the GP re stress/anxiety and get a treatment plan in place, although of course fertility isn't helping. CBT can be useful for anxiety, but it does involve acknowledging there's a problem and doing some work on it. You talking on more so she does less and less will actually make it worse not better because her capacity will shrink.

It sounds like she needs some time to herself away from home and your kid - try and get her to talk about what she needs. And talk about what you need so she can listen.

You do need to convey, lovingly and calmly but firmly that the solution to her stress cannot be to ask you to do more, because you cannot take on more and need to maintain the business. Things like asking you to diary appointments she has made need to change immediately.

This is going to be a series of conversations, the first just to listen to each other, then talk about how you might divide work more evenly and outsource more, then to actually make a plan. Meeting monthly to review would be helpful.

Might you consider not working from home? That might help I think. It sounds like a real pressure cooker for you all. Also, where you can, spend a bit more to relieve pressure - physically going shopping is probably not worth the time and energy. Buying in some Cook frozen meals might be a good idea. Etc.

He says his daughter is three in his first post.

How is your post helpful?

Out of interest do you have a pre-school child in that mix?

Because IMO what you have said is absolutely bang on, and is how it should be, flexible sharing of responsibilities, both taking into account each other strengths and weaknesses, both respectful of each other's time. But if you have a young child, someone has to supervise them, feed, play, and constantly be with them as part of that setup, it needs to be taken into account.

So in a perfect world, while one person is cooking the other is with the child, then you would swap over, so the cook takes over the childcare so the other person can clean up after, most couples manage that perfectly fine, IMO everything should be 50/50 in life.

Problems arise when the person who cooks, doesn't see the childcare as their responsibility and/or doesn't do it solo, or they do it but half arse it so the child ends up going back to the default parent "they want you' etc", the cook 'expects' their partner to do 50/50 of the chores (that's fair right?), but they don't see the childcare as something that needs to be done too as part of a the list of everyday tasks (OP has already said he doesn't believe the 'mental load/default parent' dynamic really exists).. I've seen it in real life and it's that type of dismissive attitude to each other's time/effort that harms relationships.

Chores can be picked up and put down, and once they are done, you don't have to think about them till the next time.

Childcare is constant stimulation until that child is asleep.

If OP won't wade in to the childcare to let his wife have some down time every now and again, then I don't really blame her for giving him the same treatment regarding the chores. They need a proper talk about division of ALL responsibilities.

@BayDock

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but why in the name of Christ are you married to this man-marshmallow, this isn't normal at all -

The OP has a super anxious wife who is also a bit idle, it's a thing - you seem to be married to someone who barely exists?!