To think I'm doing an unfair share of the housework? (male)

[Unjeffeson]

Hi all, looking for unbiased outside perspective.

I (m40) live with my wife (f40), DD (3) and dog (f5).

My wife has been asking for me to do progressively more of the household tasks over the last 2 years, and I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed.

Currently my pile is as follows:

• All meals
• All meal cleanups and dishes and kitchen cleaning
• All laundry and putting away clothes
• All dog walks (twice daily plus evening poo run)
• All bathtimes
• All overnight child getups (typically 2/3 of nights - wife sleeps through these)
• All nursery drop-offs and pickups, including prepping her bag
• All household maintenance (anything physical)
• All grocery shops
• Management of our financial spreadsheet
• Making sure plans go into our shared diary
• Usual man-column tasks like garbage, garden care, car care etc.

In addition I run my own small business and make around 70% of our income, so have the responsibility of not messing that up.

I've recently had an ADHD diagnosis which, while in itself doesn't change much, it's confirmed that I'm quite likely to struggle with too many responsibilities and organisation.

My wife does the other stuff. This includes admittedly high cognitive load stuff like buying all DD's clothes and toys (almost all online), organising medical and vet appointments, the 3 weekly classes DD does, settling her at bedtime, and organising our bi-weekly cleaner. She also looks after our daughter on Fridays, but this is entirely out of choice as we'd be a little financially better off if she went to nursery and my wife worked. (We split childcare 50-50 otherwise).

The problem is that my wife says she feels stressed at work and wants me to take on some more stuff to help her out. But I feel like my schedule is already super crammed and I'm not able to give the attention to my work that I'd like. I've got the chance to take on an extra client as well but she doesn't seem that interested in the extra money, just expresses concern about workload.

She also wants another kid and since she had an early miscarriage earlier this year (which did affect her mentally) she's very focused on fertility at the moment.
I am scared as to how another baby can fit into our world as I don't think I have the bandwidth for much more, and I'll need to if she's got a newborn.

So AIBU to think she needs to toughen up a little bit and split the work more fairly? Or perhaps go back to work 5 days to allow her more work focus time (her 4 day schedule is more like 4.5+ days of work)? I'm aware of the toll miscarriage can have and I haven't pushed back much so far, but it's frustrating me that her contribution to the household seems to be largely doing tasks on her phone and playing with our kid.

Yeah she's taking the piss

That's interesting...

She doesn't just sit around, it's more that she feels overwhelmed doing the things she has taken on. She's practically on her knees at the end of each Friday when she has the kid. And she seems to find things like organising childcare or whatever extremely taxing.

I just don't really know what's normal in terms of physical tasks vs mental tasks. There's the whole cognitive load/default parent thing that women often say men don't understand, but I'm not seeing how it can equal the effort of household chores and executing logistics. Perhaps I am wrong though?

If she's not sitting around, what is she actually doing? Can you help her by swapping tasks? Or can you help her find a system that works better for her?

Gently you both seem like you're trying to do it all. A huge part of parenting multiple children is juggling, and knowing which balls you let drop to the floor and roll away. Your marriage is not a ball to drop.

Are you telling her you're appreciating her, complimenting her, organising date nights, doing nice things for her? She should be doing this for you too, but it sounds like you're both overly focused on tit for tat. One of you needs to break the cycle or you'll be headed for a resentful marriage and/or divorce.

The next time she mentions another baby laugh in her face and say you are in no way suitable to conceive and raise another child. You are totally flattened by the first. No way! And laugh hysterically.

For perspective, in my house we alternate night wakes with the kids, and sleep ins. He does breakfast shift with them 5/7 days and packs the lunches. I make the dinners 5/7 nights. I work a 4 day week (my choice), and do drop offs and pick ups 3/4 days. He tends to work 5-6 days, longer hours. I do the banking, laundry, insurance, household budgets & services, childcare arrangements, gift buying & clothes buying. He does a huge amount of child care work, and takes them to their classes / swimming weekly. We each take 3x a week for hobbies, and the other person cleans the house while that's ongoing (unless the DC need us).

In our house, I might have a slightly longer list and more of the mental load, but our free time is even. We work as a team, and prioritise time as a resource.

The reason I ask these things is because there are a lot of things that happen that are not quantifiable, unseen, there is a lot of thinking and planning but it’s not really tangible if that makes sense? Your wife may be taking on those things that you don’t see.

In my opinion having a list given to us of mindless “doing” type tasks and just doing them is far easier than keeping on top of everything, planning everything and ensuring everything is planned out and nothing is missed (particularly when it comes to children’s health and education). She may feel she’s given you the easier mindless tasks so that she can get on with the stuff where getting it right really matters.

However when you say you take on the banking, insurance and planning meet ups with your side of the family on top of laundry, cooking etc. that does sound like you are taking on some of the cognitive tasks as well which probably is not
fair (depending on the hours and responsibility you each have at work).

It sounds like you both are struggling to cope with taking on two jobs, running a house and caring for children, I don’t think life should be a struggle. Is there anyway either of you could cut back?

If this was the other way round, and a wife was doing all this on top of her job, everyone would say “he’s abusing you. He needs to step up…” and on and on.

This is either a wife who is completely taking the piss, or it’s a reverse.

@Unjeffeson- if she’s taking the piss it needs sorting. All tasks 50-50. If she can’t cope with her job she needs to find a different one.

If it’s a reverse - same advice. He’s taking the piss.

I think you do more, and more of your tasks are essentisl whereas some of hers are nicd to have. Organising a cleaner for example mostly takes care of itself. If she is stressed she can drop some more of the nice to have tasks like special outfit buying.

If you both think you have it worse you could always swap tasks for a month to give you a different perspective.

As pp suggest, writing everything you both do and the time it takes may also help.

Ultimately I'd put off another baby until this is sorted. It sounds like she isn't coping, and her way of dealing with stress is just to avoid doing any task she doesn't like, and this will all look a lot worse with another baby

Practically, you are doing more. Buy it sounds like both of you are struggling with the setup in reality.

If she finds organising childcare taxing, can you take that on in exchange for her say getting the shopping sorted and put away plus whatever else you feels makes thus equal. And so on, if there are tasks you find particularly wearing, could you swap or maybe she xould take that on?

Then it sounds like she needs more planned, dedicated me time. For me, that's 1h at a coffee shop each week, at least 1 gym class and a long bath. That's only 3h total roughly but makes the world of difference to my wellbeing.

On the face of your perspective your wife is not remotely pulling her weight in your relationship. There is literally no way I would consider having another child unless she starts to take on some actually responsibility in the partnership.

She honestly sounds like a spoilt child from the way you are writing about her obviously I don’t know her and your perspective could be completely skewed but on the face of it she is not a good one.

The getting extra shoes and a new outfit are fun things not necessary jobs either.

She needs a slave not a partner.

It doesn't sound fair no. I think honestly the reason people seem to doubt this set up is that it's very unusual for the burden of work to deal in this direction, but whichever direction it falls this is uneven. You need to talk it through. I don't see why she can't wash up after you've cooked for example (your cooking sounds nice so I would want you to carry on with that) and that is not a difficult task is it.

If she is exhausted there may be more at play here emotionally and physically. Presumably you love her and don't want to cause conflict for the sake of it so I would just be very task based and practical in the discussion about chores and sympathetic about the tiredness/emotional aspect. It's still possible to do that and be clear about what you need.

She’s got it pretty easy hasn’t she?

But only you can change it - a conversation is needed.

What’s your wife’s working day like?

For example, if she leaves the house at 6am for a two hour commute and returns at 8pm, I can see why you’re doing the nursery runs and cooking dinner, but if she’s doing a standard 9-5, and work is 5 mins walk away, the split does seem uneven.

This sounds really uneven, she’s doing sweet fa, I do everything you do, plus what she does and I’m a SAHM so I’m not trying to fit 35 hours in on top of that. A proper sit down chat or perhaps counselling would seem to be in order, you shouldn’t be having to do all the meals, all the night wakings. She’s doing nothing useful for your daughter, unless your child has a medical condition, doctors appointments are negligible, buying clothes, please that really doesn’t need to be a difficult job, especially not at that age. If her job is so awful then something needs to change, certainly don’t have another child until things are evened out. Like others have said she’s doing all the fun bits. Certainly there appears to be no respect for you as an equal, depends how she talks to you really I guess. But no more kids until this is sorted!

Could you sit down and do the "Fair Play" deck/book?

I've seen it mentioned on here before and I think (not 100% certain) that it lays out all possible physical and mental tasks and you then assign who you think is completing each of these tasks in your household (if applicable) which then gives you the chance to understand what you each believe that you are doing versus what you each believe your partner is doing.

It might be that your wife thinks she's doing loads and that you're not doing much, and that by having it laid out there it will be more obvious. There is also the element of frequency - the task of buying the children's winter clothes is not the same as being responsible for 3 meals a day, the meals are multiple times a day every day. The winter clothing can be a once per year thing.

Then you'd discuss any inequities and decide how you're going to even up the deck.

Yeah sorry your wife is taking the piss. How does organising Christmas clothes for DD equate to meal planning and food purchasing, preparing and cleaning up every single day several times a day. Plus doing all laundry. That’s the drudgery work and she gets the easy stuff and is still complaining?? Do not have another child.

Love the way you put dog (f5) 😂

You are doing too much. I would write a list down of all tasks. sit down together and come up with an equal divide that will help each other out.

You have a cleaner, you could get a housekeeper, few extra hours do the cleaning, laundry and prepare evening meal.

You sound like a good man.

I can't stress enough how relevant the recent ADHD diagnosis might be. How did this come about and how does it affect you? ADHD spouses frequently burn out, perhaps this is what your wife is experiencing?

He's a man so he must be wrong. Enjoy watching posters engage in creative gymnastics to make him the bad guy is my advice.

If this is genuinely all your wife does then it's hardly anything:
My wife does the other stuff. This includes admittedly high cognitive load stuff like buying all DD's clothes and toys (almost all online), organising medical and vet appointments, the 3 weekly classes DD does, settling her at bedtime, and organising our bi-weekly cleaner. She also looks after our daughter on Fridays

I'd be tempted to offer to do the clothes buying in return for her doing all the laundry.

In all seriousness you need a proper discussion. You are doing far too much.

He should be embarrassed about a situation you've made up because you want him to be wrong?

The tasks you've described her as doing, don't take lots of time though. So what is she doing, while you are doing the physical tasks? Where is she while you cook? And so laundry? Does she work longer hours or have a longer commute? From your description it doesn't sound equal.

You should not be thinking or trying to have another child if your wife can't manage with one and doing the little that she does now.
She may need to speak to someone as she may be unwell, or she may not be.

You're not wrong. The mental load gets hugely exaggerated. Buying clothes online, organising a cleaner and childcare and arranging appointments is not as onerous as doing all or the bulk of the cleaning, cooking and laundry.