To think I'm doing an unfair share of the housework? (male)

[Unjeffeson]

Hi all, looking for unbiased outside perspective.

I (m40) live with my wife (f40), DD (3) and dog (f5).

My wife has been asking for me to do progressively more of the household tasks over the last 2 years, and I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed.

Currently my pile is as follows:

• All meals
• All meal cleanups and dishes and kitchen cleaning
• All laundry and putting away clothes
• All dog walks (twice daily plus evening poo run)
• All bathtimes
• All overnight child getups (typically 2/3 of nights - wife sleeps through these)
• All nursery drop-offs and pickups, including prepping her bag
• All household maintenance (anything physical)
• All grocery shops
• Management of our financial spreadsheet
• Making sure plans go into our shared diary
• Usual man-column tasks like garbage, garden care, car care etc.

In addition I run my own small business and make around 70% of our income, so have the responsibility of not messing that up.

I've recently had an ADHD diagnosis which, while in itself doesn't change much, it's confirmed that I'm quite likely to struggle with too many responsibilities and organisation.

My wife does the other stuff. This includes admittedly high cognitive load stuff like buying all DD's clothes and toys (almost all online), organising medical and vet appointments, the 3 weekly classes DD does, settling her at bedtime, and organising our bi-weekly cleaner. She also looks after our daughter on Fridays, but this is entirely out of choice as we'd be a little financially better off if she went to nursery and my wife worked. (We split childcare 50-50 otherwise).

The problem is that my wife says she feels stressed at work and wants me to take on some more stuff to help her out. But I feel like my schedule is already super crammed and I'm not able to give the attention to my work that I'd like. I've got the chance to take on an extra client as well but she doesn't seem that interested in the extra money, just expresses concern about workload.

She also wants another kid and since she had an early miscarriage earlier this year (which did affect her mentally) she's very focused on fertility at the moment.
I am scared as to how another baby can fit into our world as I don't think I have the bandwidth for much more, and I'll need to if she's got a newborn.

So AIBU to think she needs to toughen up a little bit and split the work more fairly? Or perhaps go back to work 5 days to allow her more work focus time (her 4 day schedule is more like 4.5+ days of work)? I'm aware of the toll miscarriage can have and I haven't pushed back much so far, but it's frustrating me that her contribution to the household seems to be largely doing tasks on her phone and playing with our kid.

Your wife sounds like she may have either MH problems or undiagnosed ADHD - just the talk about being overwhelmend and exhausted and finding it hard to manage what seems like much less cognitive work and organisation than you are (from you lists of tasks anyway)

You say you have ADHD, can I ask if this is something you have know about for a while and are you medicated? I ask because but you seem to have good processes in place to manage your ADHD symptoms. However even with all that your ADHD will mean that just making the effort to be as organised as you are will be exhausting. If you wife is undiagnosed (and maybe unmedicated ) then she will be finding life really hard. You both need periods of time to your self.

I think making a list as you have started to do here, of all the things that are being done in your houseold and by whom is a good starting point to have a conversation with your wife. She may well need to look at her own issues with organisation and focus

As to having another baby. Please don't, not unitil you are both feeling less overwhelmed with one or have a better sytem in place to deal with the workload. If you wife does have undiagnosed ADHD or a MH problem, adding another baby to the mix is likely to push you both over the edge

Agree.

I would just add, whilst having hopefully compassionate conversations about this, it may do your wife some good to get off the screens (most mental load work involves them) and do one of the more physical tasks. Even just folding laundry and putting it away. To get out of her brain a bit. Variety is important.

I don't think the person who cooks should have to clean up every time too. This all seems a bit much. Share who cooks the meals and cleans up at least.

It sounds like she is overwhelmed and not coping with what she has to do well but is blaming this on you not doing enough rather than looking at herself and how she is handling things. Why don’t you propose a role swap for a week or two? She does all the things you do, you do all her usual jobs. Maybe then she will see how much you do compared to her and that it’s not the amount that you don’t do that is her issue, but the way she handles the stuff she has to do.

Quite frankly if she’s struggling as things are now then she can fuck off with wanting another baby. Get a bloody vasectomy because she’s a lazy sod.

So am I, and that’s why we have one kid.

She struggles to look after your child for one day a week - how on earth will she cope with two? Another child is not a good idea right now.
Is there any chance that she is depressed? From how you describe her - the amount of stuff (however little it is) that she has to do is overwhelming her then she may have issues that neither of you are aware of.

I think it sounds like there is something odd going on with your wife. She doesn't seem to be able to prioritise tasks and even the ones she is doing seem to place an excessive burden on her. It might need some digging and even marriage therapy to work out exactly what is going on. I certainly agree with you though that the current situation is not sustainable.

You sound incredibly organised and it's great that you manage to exercise as well. It's worrying that it sounds as if your wife resents this. Obviously the answer is not for you to stop going for a midday run or for her to delegate more tasks to you. It sounds as if she is unhappy in herself and looking for something to blame. We don't have enough information to know what might be wrong but I wonder if starting with a gp appointment might be an idea?

I think this is the time when you hire out some tasks. You are doing more than enough and it makes sense you cannot take on more, but maybe she is at capacity too. We all have different abilities. Think about what you can outsource to make life better for both of you.

She lives a charmed life by the sound of it and needs to start pulling her wait.

This- OP your wife is taking the pics.
Go away for a few days and see how she gets on, she needs to pull her weight, you are doing too much,;don't have another child with her.

You're not being unreasonable to think you are doing a lot of work around the house, but you are being unreasonable for this:

'I've recently had an ADHD diagnosis which, while in itself doesn't change much, it's confirmed that I'm quite likely to struggle with too many responsibilities and organisation'

This is NOT an excuse to not take on responsibilities and organisation! How on earth can you manage at your job if you can't do this?

Imagine if wives trotted out this excuse.

Gosh, I think this is actually the first post I’ve seen from a man who isn’t asking us how he can persuade his wife to have more sex with him

Your DW isn’t pulling her weight, that’s for sure. She’s doing the nicer parts of parenting and leaving the rest to you. If you cook during the week, maybe suggest she does the cooking at the weekend. At the very least she could do the laundry. If you cook the dinner, she should do the tidy-up while you take care of bath-time. I’d definitely not have another baby until the workload is more evenly shared. Because it sounds as if your DW isn’t doing all that much really.

Whoa she’s laughing! ‘Organising the cleaner’? Medical and vet appointments? How much does that take? I imagine months where there are no medical or vets appointments! You are totally been taken for a ride mate.

Oh wow OP! Now if only my husband did half of what you do :)

I do all the meals/clean ups/bed times/dog walks /bath times and i work full time :) which is irrelevant as we strike the balance here on other things. And he makes more money than I do so happy to carry the other bits to facilitate that.
do you think you could both afford to stretch to getting some help to give you some time? A housekeeper/nanny/cleaner type? Would a dog walker help?
we only had the one child when we did our LTP - long term plan as we figured we x amount of time and money and the more children we had we would have to shave off time/money from that..and it didn’t seem like we would all dog, child, husband or I would benefit/thrive from it.
i had a miscarriage at 11 weeks too it was actually a year before our daughter was born and it affects you even if you say it doesn’t. I was utterly bereft even though I understood the reasons why it happened and the consequences if it hadn’t… so do feel for you both. Hope you two work it out.

I feel we have an amazing split. How would this work for you (both work full-time)

Person1: bins, dogs and dirty jobs, like house maintenance and gardening. Car, car maintenance, servicing. Laundry and beds. Sickness and doctor, dentist, vet.

Person2: childcare drops& collects, budgeting, shopping, phone calls, appointments and organisation, all cooking most days. Occasions, events, clothes.

Well ot certainly sounds s like you are doing the lion's share while working hard.

May I ask what your wife does? Does she have a stressful job and a long commute, in which case if you wfh then I can see why the ones is on you for the at home stuff while she's out.

You are doing at least 80% of the work- that definitely needs to change.
For example I do all food shopping and planning, but I do no veg prep and no clear up afterwards- all chores need to be divided. They can also be divide by category- I do all the financial stuff but DP does all repairs and most of the DIY. You need a big pow-wow.

Propose a month where you take on the other's responsibilities. Then see how you feel about things at the end.

Quite bluntly it sounds to me like she's a lazy cow, and is taking the piss! You need to sit down together and work out a system which seems fair to you both, but don't let her keep on running you into the ground. This is the sort of thing that men do to their wives/partners all the time, and that's not fair either. Communication is everything OP, and if you can't sort it out, then I certainly wouldn't be planning on having another baby if I were in your shoes.

There's the whole cognitive load/default parent thing that women often say men don't understand, but I'm not seeing how it can equal the effort of household chores and executing logistics. Perhaps I am wrong though?

You're not wrong, but being the default parent and being responsible for most of the chores have the same end result.. you both have to sacrifice downtime, it doesn't make either person right, it means the balance of BOTH things needs looking at.

If this has only got worse over the last two years as more of the 'chores load' has been shifted to you, then it sounds like she is the main breadwinner, who works longer hours, outside of the home, is the default parent when at home and was also responsible for a lot of the household chores you are now responsible for.

If she was doing all that two years ago, and you were working from home working less hours per day and weren't doing the amount of chores you are doing now.. then what were you actually doing back then? You may find that was the catalyst for what has happened now and now it has potentially swung too far.

You need to work out what the actual problem is, if she is getting no downtime after work and at weekends because she is the default parent and is exhausted from never getting a break, then THAT is what needs fixing. IMO she shouldn't have to be doing 50/50 of household chores on top of that, when you already have a certain amount of downtime to do as you please uninterrupted by anything, and she essentially gets none.

I'm a default parent and I'd give my right arm to "only" have to do your 2-3 hours of chores in a 6 hour evening so I can then have 2-3 hours to myself without anyone wanting anything from me! You need a proper calm sit down about how you both feel and what you can do to fix it.

I do agree you're doing a lot of the grunt work and she's doing the more fun stuff. Rereading your post and it sounds like you're doing nearly everything to be quite honest.

You both work full time, you both have equal mental load in my opinion (potentially you have more if I'm being honest).
Plus your doing the slog of all the physical work like cooking, cleaning, laundry, drop offs.

I agree for a short time if one partner is stressed then the other takes on more to help but if this is your daily norm, I would say you are doing way more and it's not fair on you. It sounds like you're taking this is your stride (albeit very hard work) with time to spare for hobbies and she's drowning in about 20 per cent the amount you do so maybe she is affected by poor mental health or something but I can definitely see why you are dissatisfied with things currently.

I'd sit down and talk with her but I hope she doesn't try and tell you that you're both contributing equally, it isn't true.

It feels to me like you’re doing quite a bit more than half of the domestic load.

Im wondering how parenting is split? The above feels fair if your wife is the main parent and is doing the majority of the looking after. Less so if that is also split.

On your list you don’t have things like getting dd up dressed, ready etc in the morning, looking after her morning and evening, coordinating play dates, planning weekend activities, looking after her in the house at weekend etc. Who gets up with her on the weekends?

I’m also wondering whether there might be a bit of a miscommunication with your wife. It sounds like what she a actually wants and needs is more child free time (she’s frustrated about your runs, wants you to not take on new client etc) whereas you’re hearing that you need to do more which doesn’t feel fair. In your position I’d try encouraging her to have one evening a week when she has time to herself. Plus occasional time on the weekends. There might be more benefit in balancing your child free time equally than in focusing on the chores.

To clear up the work thing - we both work from home. Her hours are 9-5 or 10-6 Mon-Thurs, 1 hour lunch. Mine are more flexible but as mentioned I need to put in at least 35 to be able to bill, and need a few more per week for business admin.

I think if I was out all day she might be less funny about it all, but I think she sees me sitting on my laptop and it subconsciously feels to her like I’m not doing anything.