This will be long so please bare with me.
I’m currently pregnant with my fourth child and as I’m hitting the third trimester I’m starting to get really anxious about the newborn period. Particularly my mother during the newborn period. I see her at least once a week so she can see the children and while I’d say things are generally ok, that also has a lot to do with me not rocking the boat.
The problem is she can be very overbearing, cannot tolerate not having her own way and will fly of the handle or flounce if she doesn’t like something. This is usually manageable but when there’s a newborn it goes to a completely new level! Examples;
Dc1; Would not accept that I did not want her in the room when I gave birth. After months of wearing me down she guilted me into it by saying her best friend’s daughter had her in the room when she had her grandchild and it was a lovely experience for her friend.
Tried to take newborn ds of my ex a couple of minutes after he started having his first hold in the delivery room. When he politely said he’d like a bit longer first she flounced. I called her an hour later just for her to shout at me about how she felt pushed out by ex.
Ds had reflux and before we changed his milk would not sleep and scream for hours. After around 48 hours of nobody getting any sleep I’d finally got him down for an afternoon nap. She called informing me she was on the way with my dad. I begrudgingly agreed but asked her not to pick him up as he needed sleep. She started pouting and disappointedly complaining until I gave in.
Invited various family members over to my house to meet the baby when I wasn’t up to visitors.
And the one that still makes me furious when I think back to it… first proper outing with ds in the pram at a few days old. We got out of the car and immediately she takes the pram off me shouting ‘my pram’ and starts pushing it. I let her do it because I didn’t have the energy for the hassle and think I’ll have a go later. She pushes the pram the entire time. At the last shop I’m paying at the till and as we leave to go back to the car I take the pram. We’ve barely made it outside and yet again she takes it off me shouting ‘my pram’. This time I say I’d like a go now and she flies off the handle, marches ahead of me all while screaming behind at me that ‘she wants the best bits’ and that she ‘won’t be left with just the shit’.
Dc2; The newborn period was a bit more of a blur. The two instances that stand out are her bringing ds1 to visit the baby in hospital. He has ASD and Global developmental delay so was non verbal at the time and needed constant supervision. She got so sidetracked by the baby that she repeatedly ignored him to fuss the baby. This resulted in me panicking as he tried to get in the discarded medical sharps bin. I couldn’t move to get him as I had a catheter.
She put a lot of pressure on me for her to take baby dd for the day at around two weeks old. I’d kept brushing it off hoping she’d get the hint that I wasn’t ready but she’d paint it as me being able to give my undivided attention to ds. Making me feel awful for wanting to refuse. I spent the entire day anxious and miserable.
Dc3; I had needed a large piece of furniture assembled for a while and my dad had agreed to do it. It ended up being that the day he scheduled happened to be the day after she was born. What usually would happen is my mum would drop my dad over and pick him up when he was done as he can be quite slow (likes to make sure a job is done properly). Not this time! She spent nine hours planted on the sofa, only leaving to collect her friend so the friend could also see the baby. She held the baby the entire time, if I so much as tried to have a turn holding her she’d get twitchy and take her back. Dd was very mucus-y after birth and this would come up in feeds. She fed her and this happened. Next feed she originally said she wouldn’t do it as she was nervous only to say ‘actually I want to do it, give her to me’ about five seconds after the bottle hit her mouth. When she eventually left she placed dd in her basket and as she was leaving I went to pick her up. She turned to me and had the nerve to say ‘don’t, she’ll be spoilt and expect it all the time’. So it was ok for her to hold my day old baby all day but heaven forbid I actually want to give her a cuddle! Then I’m spoiling her! I actually took up breastfeeding at that moment because there was a family event a few days later I had to attend and I couldn’t tolerate the thought of my mum holding her the entire time again.
So on to now. Pregnant with dc4. This baby has a different father to my first three. My ex can be quite a meek man. If he does react it will be snide so it often went over my mother’s head. Dp is far more forthright and if he feels someone is pushing his boundaries will be upfront about it. This will not go down well with my mum. He’s already pushing for us to have the first week just ourselves as he/we feel the children will need time to adjust. I brought this up to my mum and she shouted that she ‘just won’t bother then’. My sister has also mentioned people having time just themselves after birth to her in the past and she replied that she wouldn’t listen and would turn up regardless of what we said. My sister also fell out with her on several occasions leading up to the birth of her child and after.
I’m so anxious about this. I don’t want another recently postpartum period of her taking over/being demanding. I don’t know how to get her to understand how she acts has consequences on my mental health. I don’t want to fall out with her, it’s hell but if she goes about this birth the way she has with the previous childrens it will happen regardless because dp wont put up with it!