To ask for advice on how to handle dm with newborn?

[CountingDownToAutumn]

This will be long so please bare with me.

I’m currently pregnant with my fourth child and as I’m hitting the third trimester I’m starting to get really anxious about the newborn period. Particularly my mother during the newborn period. I see her at least once a week so she can see the children and while I’d say things are generally ok, that also has a lot to do with me not rocking the boat.

The problem is she can be very overbearing, cannot tolerate not having her own way and will fly of the handle or flounce if she doesn’t like something. This is usually manageable but when there’s a newborn it goes to a completely new level! Examples;

Dc1; Would not accept that I did not want her in the room when I gave birth. After months of wearing me down she guilted me into it by saying her best friend’s daughter had her in the room when she had her grandchild and it was a lovely experience for her friend.
Tried to take newborn ds of my ex a couple of minutes after he started having his first hold in the delivery room. When he politely said he’d like a bit longer first she flounced. I called her an hour later just for her to shout at me about how she felt pushed out by ex.
Ds had reflux and before we changed his milk would not sleep and scream for hours. After around 48 hours of nobody getting any sleep I’d finally got him down for an afternoon nap. She called informing me she was on the way with my dad. I begrudgingly agreed but asked her not to pick him up as he needed sleep. She started pouting and disappointedly complaining until I gave in.
Invited various family members over to my house to meet the baby when I wasn’t up to visitors.
And the one that still makes me furious when I think back to it… first proper outing with ds in the pram at a few days old. We got out of the car and immediately she takes the pram off me shouting ‘my pram’ and starts pushing it. I let her do it because I didn’t have the energy for the hassle and think I’ll have a go later. She pushes the pram the entire time. At the last shop I’m paying at the till and as we leave to go back to the car I take the pram. We’ve barely made it outside and yet again she takes it off me shouting ‘my pram’. This time I say I’d like a go now and she flies off the handle, marches ahead of me all while screaming behind at me that ‘she wants the best bits’ and that she ‘won’t be left with just the shit’.

Dc2; The newborn period was a bit more of a blur. The two instances that stand out are her bringing ds1 to visit the baby in hospital. He has ASD and Global developmental delay so was non verbal at the time and needed constant supervision. She got so sidetracked by the baby that she repeatedly ignored him to fuss the baby. This resulted in me panicking as he tried to get in the discarded medical sharps bin. I couldn’t move to get him as I had a catheter.
She put a lot of pressure on me for her to take baby dd for the day at around two weeks old. I’d kept brushing it off hoping she’d get the hint that I wasn’t ready but she’d paint it as me being able to give my undivided attention to ds. Making me feel awful for wanting to refuse. I spent the entire day anxious and miserable.

Dc3; I had needed a large piece of furniture assembled for a while and my dad had agreed to do it. It ended up being that the day he scheduled happened to be the day after she was born. What usually would happen is my mum would drop my dad over and pick him up when he was done as he can be quite slow (likes to make sure a job is done properly). Not this time! She spent nine hours planted on the sofa, only leaving to collect her friend so the friend could also see the baby. She held the baby the entire time, if I so much as tried to have a turn holding her she’d get twitchy and take her back. Dd was very mucus-y after birth and this would come up in feeds. She fed her and this happened. Next feed she originally said she wouldn’t do it as she was nervous only to say ‘actually I want to do it, give her to me’ about five seconds after the bottle hit her mouth. When she eventually left she placed dd in her basket and as she was leaving I went to pick her up. She turned to me and had the nerve to say ‘don’t, she’ll be spoilt and expect it all the time’. So it was ok for her to hold my day old baby all day but heaven forbid I actually want to give her a cuddle! Then I’m spoiling her! I actually took up breastfeeding at that moment because there was a family event a few days later I had to attend and I couldn’t tolerate the thought of my mum holding her the entire time again.

So on to now. Pregnant with dc4. This baby has a different father to my first three. My ex can be quite a meek man. If he does react it will be snide so it often went over my mother’s head. Dp is far more forthright and if he feels someone is pushing his boundaries will be upfront about it. This will not go down well with my mum. He’s already pushing for us to have the first week just ourselves as he/we feel the children will need time to adjust. I brought this up to my mum and she shouted that she ‘just won’t bother then’. My sister has also mentioned people having time just themselves after birth to her in the past and she replied that she wouldn’t listen and would turn up regardless of what we said. My sister also fell out with her on several occasions leading up to the birth of her child and after.

I’m so anxious about this. I don’t want another recently postpartum period of her taking over/being demanding. I don’t know how to get her to understand how she acts has consequences on my mental health. I don’t want to fall out with her, it’s hell but if she goes about this birth the way she has with the previous childrens it will happen regardless because dp wont put up with it!

Write your boundaries down - maybe discuss with DP. Then go write them down. Then talk to DP again to make sure you are on the same page.
His role is to back you up.
Let her scream and shout as much as she wants. Maybe this will be your last baby and why should she not respect your very reasonable demands.
Let DP look after you. He clearly wants to.

Let her flounce. Dont give her details. Dont tell her when you go into labour - start reducing contact now. Even pretend you’re having a c section a week after the due date. Tell her you’re at a different hospital with tight rules due to flu. Set some boundaries and be assertive.

YANBU with wanting the week to yourself after your baby is not and for wanting your mother’s behaviour to stop, but you do need to stand up to her more and not buckle to her tantrums. She sounds very self centred and selfish- she is prepared to upset you/ ruin your birth so she gets her own way?
A week together as a family before visitors is pretty normal now (and promoted by midwives/ NCT). Plus with flu going round that is another reason to limit visitor numbers/ length of visits. I absolutely wouldn’t tell her your birth plan, an do not let her look after your kids when your are in Labour - you cannot let her think that you owe her a favour as she will hold that over you.

I voted YABU because I think it’s crazy you’ve put up with this 3 times already. Be assertive! So what if she flounces or falls out with you, it means you’ll get some peace. Honestly people only act like this when they are allowed to get away with it. I get that you want to keep the peace but not at the expense of you bonding with your baby surely?

Just tell her no. And stick to it. If she turns up don’t answer the door. She will need you before you need her.

You don't owe your mum anything. You don't owe her a turn with the baby or with the other children.

Let your DP protect your space.

Does it matter if she flounces off or has a tantrum? Let your DP keep her at bay.

What stands out is that you are really scared to upset your mum - and she doesn't give a monkeys about upsetting you! She does whatever she wants without considering your feelings - stop putting your mum first and put yourself, your baby, your other children and your DP ahead of her.

Yep ,let DH /parnter take charge and let her flounce.

Let that bitch flounce.

Most if not all of your examples wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t caved. Sorry, but you need to hold your boundaries (or maybe set some..) So she flounces, so what. So she screams, so what. Seriously, who TF cares! She sounds bloody awful and I just would not put up with that shit - that sort of hassle with the first one would have meant limited to no time with the others. You say no, you mean no, you stick to it. It’s not actually that difficult once you start doing it op. Sounds like your partner is willing to deal with her, so if it gets too hard for you then let him!

She sounds awful. I wouldn’t put up with all that nonsense. Take a large step back from her and focus on DP and your DC. She is far too influential in your life and not in a good way.

This and also OP a helpful way to frame it to help you be stronger in your boundaries is that at the moment your children are being taught that it’s ok to allow yourself to be bullied into submission.

Thats what your mum is doing to you. So that’s what your children are learning is normal and acceptable.

If you want them to have successful, happy, loving relationships with friends, family and eventually partners then the greatest gift you can give them is seriously limiting their exposure to such a toxic, selfish bully.

If you can’t cut contact with her then at least show them what it looks like to stand up for yourself and your family.

I’m so sorry she has impacted what should have been really special times in your life. It’s unforgivable tbh.

You are in charge. This is your family. She doesn’t get an equal say to you, let alone the casting vote!

She has bullied you all your life and it’s time it stopped. Some counselling about this specific issue could be life changing for you. You can do this

Not only is this not good for you, this is terrible for your kids!

Let her flounce off in a huff. You are not doing anything wrong. She is totally unreasonable and not putting you or your children first. A child needs time with its parents, not grandparents, in the first few weeks.

We just did NCT for our first and our facilitator ran and grandparents workshop, 1hr on zoom , to basically update them on things like car seat safety and skin to skin, but it also definitely taught my mum to stay in her lane! And made her feel like she was helping by doing so. Since your mum wants to be so involved she should want to go to something similar?

Lastly, I think you need to be firmer. Ask her to leave when she’s being unreasonable. Put your baby first.

Honestly I dont know how you are still in contact with her.

Just to add, it’s easy to tell that you are overwhelmed and have more than enough on your plate. And I understand that telling her no may feel like an additional and unnecessary extra thing to deal with that you’d rather try and appease your way out of. It might feel easier to just give in and let her have her way - picking your battles, so to speak.

But her behaviour is so egregiously awful that even if you just leave her to it, she will be costing you precious mental energy you can ill afford in just trying to swallow the anger and hurt she inevitably causes when you have to give in. So not setting boundaries is a false energy economy. The only way this gets better is by standing up to her and not letting her bully you into submission again. It will hurt the first time, because she’s not accustomed to anyone pushing back. You can expect tantrums and tears. But that’s what the block button is for.

Tell her you’re doing things differently: write it in a series of text messages if need be so she can’t interrupt. Be prepared to block her if you need to so you can have that precious peace with your DP and the new baby. If you don’t have a Ring doorbell, install one and use it to deal with her if she pitches up uninvited so you don’t have to let her in. She’s a grown woman. This won’t cause her injury or real hardship. And you’ll enjoy the peace. You deserve the peace.

People like this are basically like toddlers: they need to understand very clearly where the line is, and the only way they learn is consistency. She won’t like it. But you can do this and your life will be better for it.

Thank you everyone! I know your all right and I need to rip the plaster off and just start saying no when I don’t want her to do something.

I have stood up to her in the past. I’ve fallen out with her for weeks/months at a time. The problem is she has this way of twisting things so that I’m in the wrong for being annoyed at her. I fell out with her years ago over a bike for my oldest of all things. It was a rare occasion where she had my son over. They were looking through a catalogue and he must have said he wanted a bike because she promised him a new bike the next week. Only problem was the one she promised was around three years too young for him. As mental as it sounds that month she had cost me £600 because she had pressured me into paying for a higher fence in the garden. The neighbours had bought a large but friendly dog and she was panicking that the dog would jump the fence and attack them so to appease her I just agreed. Anyway when she realised the bike she promised wasn’t suitable and the cost of a bike for his age range was triple what she’d been planning to spend, she wanted me to pay half. I was furious and I snapped. I told her that she had to pay for the bike she promised as I couldn’t afford it and it was nothing to do with me. She refused, we fell out and she twisted it and told everyone she’d merely suggested a bike but she’d told my son she’d have to talk to me first. I ended up paying for it as my son was upset but I refused to speak to her. I think my dad saw through her this time because after a few weeks an envelope with the full amount for the bike came through the door.

I’m going to practise not agreeing to everything she wants before the baby is born in the hope that she’ll be somewhat used to it before the birth.

Sorry to resurrect this thread but everything has blown up and I don’t know what to do anymore.

It turns out that my mother has been telling people that she thinks my dp is controlling. She brought this up a month or so ago and when asked for her reasoning it was because he said no to my 9 year old ds having a computer in his room when we went over for dinner. Ds wasn’t there at the time, it was off the back of a conversation about what the kids want for Christmas.

What had actually happened was a week or so previously ds had said he’d potentially like a computer for Christmas to put in his bedroom. Me and dp had a conversation where we agreed that wouldn’t be a good idea because there’s a computer downstairs he’s allowed to use and ds has autism and learning disabilities. He's very naive and both us and his dad have had to tighten security settings on his tech after we discovered he’d been playing online and couldn’t grasp that just because someone says there a child, doesn’t mean they are one. His dad was also fully in agreement with no computer. My mum felt that dp had no place to say no and therefore he was controlling.

Flash forward to this week my ex (ds’s dad) pops in and explains that he didn’t want to tell me this before Christmas but he’d witnessed my mum trying to coax ds into saying he didn’t want to go to my house because of dp. The reality was he has a VR headset at his dad’s and there was some kind of gaming event on that he didn’t want to leave. Ds’s dad was not happy with my mums behaviour, knows exactly what’s she’s like and told me to be wary. I spoke to my sister and my sister told me she said the same to her but when pressed as to why all she could answer was ‘she just had a feeling’.

Obviously dp is not in any way controlling but after being in an abusive relationship in the past where I had to stand up as a witness in court, this is really upsetting. The actual reason for this stems from she feels threatened because dp’s mother is looking forward to being a grandmother and my mother doesn’t want to share. She also wants to be there during the birth which I won’t allow and then she wanted to wait in the hospital so she could be first in once the baby was born. I won’t allow this either.

I've tried speaking to my dad who claims we are all lying and that I should ignore it and see the good in her instead. He believes that if she did say dp is controlling, obviously it isn’t an ok thing to say but we should just ignore it as anything less would be petty.

I am at my wits end with her. I’ve told my dad to pass on the message I need some space and she isn’t to contact me. He thinks I’m wrong for this. I’m worried she’s going to retaliate when I just want peace.

I’m so sorry that you have an abusive mother.

You need a therapist and fast.

You need to remove the control your mother has over you.

She isn’t doing ANYTHING in your or your DC best interests.

Read up on FOG - fear obligation & guilt. You are deep in it.

I would let your Dad know that you and the DC need a long break from your mother and by default him and you will be in touch several weeks after the baby is born so they can meet him/her.

Then block. Stop caring about the lies they spout.

Have it added to your maternity notes that she is not welcome at the hospital.

Your mum is a bully who had marred the early days with all your children. With your partners support, do try to make sure she's not allowed to do this a fourth time. It can be very scary to stand up to a parent like her, but you're a mum now yourself and don't need to do as she tells you. Let your partner tell her you're having your week to yourselves if that feels easier, but don't cave in. You have to make a stand.

Your mum is a nasty woman. Does she bring anything good into you and your kids lives?
What exactly do you mean by retaliate? What can she do, other than tell people things. Ignore whatever lies she's spreading. Distance yourself from her and protect your kids from her.

So sorry to read your update. I can tell you just want an easy life but the reality is your mother is selfish and abusive, she does understand the impact of her behaviour on you, she just doesn’t care as getting what she wants is the only thing that matters. I know the phrase narcissist is overused, but it does sound like she has narcissistic traits at a minimum. Would you consider going low contact (if not no contact)? It’s the only way you’ll get any peace. And for your sake please try to remind yourself none of this is your fault and you don’t need to feel guilty.

What an unhinged monster she is. But also OP there is no way I would have put up with that shit from my mother. I’d have moved to Australia by now. If you can’t stand up to with DC4 when will you??

She sounds a nightmare and you sound like you’ve been brow beaten for so long you can’t maintain any reasonable boundaries. Have your new partner handle it his way he wants to if he’s willing to including no visits in the first week. That is not an unreasonable expectation to hold for either grandparents - they still will get to spend loads of time with their new grandchild later. If she claims he is controlling - who cares - you know it’s actually her who is controlling. You need to start tuning the stuff she says out instead of letting her manipulate you into terrible outcomes for you.

Edit: just saw your extra post and for god sake don’t worry about what she says to strangers but do worry about what she says to your kids. I wouldn’t let her see the children at all if you can’t trust her not to mess with them that way. Even if you can’t be strong enough to stand up to her for your sake you need to protect your kids.

She’s now alluding to reporting me to social services. For what I don’t know. I haven’t done anything wrong!

She knows it’s something that would worry me though because they did call me in regards to my abusive ex. The case was closed pretty much immediately. I was signed up to a course on how to recognise abusive relationships which I completed, I complied with all police involvement, moved home so he didn’t have my address and have had no contact with him since. She likes to judge me on this and use it as a stick to beat me.

Let her report you to social services - they will laugh her out if the room for her crap - and then never speak to her again.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m mentally drained from it all. I’m 29 weeks pregnant and terrified that she’s going to make a malicious report to social services bringing up my past abusive relationship. I’ve not said she can’t see my children. I’ve said I don’t wish to see her at the moment and she’s gone nuclear.

Me and my ex Co-parent amicably. We have the kids 50/50 between us. The school have no concerns and praised us at the last IDP review on how well we Co-parent between us and how positive we are about our sons challenges due to his special needs.

My ex has concerns about my mother’s manipulation and believes she is toxic. I know he’d vouch for me if it came to it but I’m scared because of my past. I rebuilt everything from rock bottom to make a happy life for my children. My mother has a deep need to have everything her way. A recent example… my mum thinks seeing the children for the day every Saturday is her given right. Saturday is her day and woe betide anyone take that from her. Since me and my ex divorced she’s been even more possessive over it due to me not having them every Saturday. Two months or so ago my ex’s grandfather died. My ex’s family live three hours away. My ex asked if he could swap a day so he could have the Saturday they were coming down as his mum wanted to see the children. She was looking forward to seeing them as she was grieving and they cheer her up. I had no problem with this and agreed. When I told my mum I got ‘yes but that’s not my problem is it’. ‘Saturday is my day’. ‘Tell him no, I want to see them’. I didn’t cave but the tantrum was quite upsetting.