To just accept I’m ugly?

[Ifgollumwalkedtheearth]

I’m 40 now and have fought against it for years. I think when I was younger I was ugly in comparison to those my own age but youth got me through to a point.

Now im older but see women of my age attracting attention or compliments - I guess I have hoped age would be the leveller (selfishly) but im just older and ugly as opposed to younger and ugly 🤣

I try and not feel sad about it but I am. I get overlooked and ignored at work and in social situations because of my appearance. I’m actually starting to feel embarrassed to leave the house because I don’t want people to see me and also every time I do go out I end up just having it confirmed to me.

AIBU to think that people who aren’t ugly don’t understand? And that everyone can say that thing from The Twits about beauty shining out if you are kind but it’s not actually true in the real world.
My friend said recently that I was ‘beautiful inside and out,’ which is the kindest way I’ve heard someone saying you have an ok personality but you look like a gargoyle I think!

I know very very few women who are actually ugly. I can only think of 1 or 2 I’ve met in my life. Way more ugly men though. I truly believe knowing the secret to what flatters you (despite trends), confidence and eating/sleeping well adds at least 2/3 points. Do you take care of yourself OP? Do you wear nice flattering clothes?

Some people are a lot better looking than others and I agree that if you are beautiful some things in life are easier. But I also believe that nobody is ugly. When I walk down the street I never look at someone and think they ate ugly. Their behaviour might be ugly, they might not be dressed very well or look scruffy but nobody is ugly.
I am very average looking, overweight and not very graceful or elegant. As a teen I had horrendous acne that caused me to be bullied.So I am not saying this just to be kind.
you need to work on your confidence and smile a lot. Also make the most of what you have got- good hair? Great skin? Sense of style? Good figure? You are not ugly.

‘ Beautiful inside and out’ means just that. Your friend thinks you are beautiful. Grooming and being ‘put together’ goes a long way as pp said. Maybe need to do some work on your confidence as well, remind yourself of what you like about yourself or are grateful for.

I try and if I make a huge effort it lifts me from a 2 to perhaps a 3.5. Temporarily.

I think my friend felt sorry for me. She said it in response to my refusing to have a photograph taken - I always refuse this. I don’t need camera evidence of how I look. It makes me so uncomfortable and it could end up on SM which is even worse.

My hair is awful and I can’t afford to have it coloured professionally. However it’s really my face. Uneven features. A long and wonky nose like it got broken at some point. Small eyes which are too close together. A small mouth with narrow lips. Weird cheekbones. I’m a size 8 but look very fat around my middle and my arms are fat as well.
I despair every day, I really do.

Hi This makes me so sad. My mum was very self-conscious and tried to avoid having her photo taken. Now that she’s gone, it means we only have a few photos of her, as she always tried to avoid the camera. She was self-conscious because of her weight and thick glasses, which no one cared about. We loved her as she was, and would just love her to be in more photos with a big smile.

I doubt it’s as bad as you think, everyone their own worst critic, however, if that truly is the case, don’t let it stop you from anything.
i am ugly, I have a lot of scarring on my face from operations and a deformity and there is something wonderfully freeing from just embracing the I’m ugly feeling and I'm not going to let it stop me or hinder or make my life different to others.
jump in the pictures, you know what your face is like, your friends do, they all still love you, not taking the pictures won’t make them forget what you look like but you’re missing out on memories down the line. I’ve been in the spot of avoiding the pictures, and honestly it just draws more attention to you rather than less, and it’s only you missing out, embrace yourself, flaws and all, it’s cheesy as fuck but honestly so so freeing.

If you think you as a size 8 look very fat around the middle that is saying to me you have disordered thinking about the way you look because there is NO WAY that is true. It simply cannot be a fact that you are a size 8 and look very fat.

You can be a size 8 and carry fat on your stomach yes of course you can but very no.

So this is about you and how you perceive yourself and not about how you actually look

Stop being so self absorbed. I doubt you're ugly, but even if you are so what? It doesn't say anything about you as a person. Beauty does come from within. And honestly, it's tedious having people duck out of photos and moan on about their looks all the time.

OP with respect, if you are a size 8 you are not fat anywhere. So this statement does make me wonder how much of this is in your mind.

Look at it this way. You don't need (or even want) to be friends with or impress 99% of people, right? I don't mean that to be horrible, I just mean that generally we need our friends and family and we don't need to please every single person out there.

Old white men own the beauty companies and the media that subconsciously and overtly tells us that we are not enough. But....they are wrong!! So, so fucking wrong. They are literally monetising our insecurities, inventing some moral weakness tied to our "flaws" which they also conveniently get to define.... No! You define yourself.

Beauty is nice to look at of course, but again, it's so subjective and abstract that we could drive ourselves mad trying to tick all the boxes. There will be people who indeed see beauty in any given person. We are all a very mixed bag.

I would genuinely get therapy, and address your self worth. Because you are worth exactly the same as a runway model, or some woman down the street with perfect teeth and hair... And you're DEFINITELY worth the same as the men who perpetuate this form of subjugation and control to keep us feeling down and powerless.

I don’t remember ever finding anyone physically ugly. Most people are just average looking

I don’t moan about my looks all the time in real life.
I won’t be in photos - I just can’t. It feels incredibly uncomfortable and it ruins whatever it is I’m doing. I know that sounds stupid but I makes me actually panic - and im very resilient in most ways. But as soon as someone tries to take a photo with me or wants me on a picture my heart starts racing and it’s just a firm no. That has got worse over the years.

If it were just in my head people wouldn’t respond to me in the way they do.

I’m no oil painting, but as I’ve got older I definitely give fewer fucks. My more attractive friends bemoan the “loss” of their looks whereas I’m perfectly happy with my not particularly attractive ageing face. Give me an interesting, intelligent, lived-in face over a beautiful one any day. Beautiful inside and out is such a lovely way to describe someone, I’d be touched if anyone said that about me. You obviously have good friends who love you and that’s worth more than looks in anyone’s book x

I think you completely misinterpreted your friend’s comment because of the frame of mind you’re in. It looks like you’re looking everywhere to confirm your own belief, that you’re ugly. It’s your frame of mind you need to change somehow.

How do people respond to you, Op? I get it, I think. Women are treated according to their looks quite often (mostly by men). But also according to their confidence or lack of.

And like others I can't see how at a size 8 you are in anyway fat.

I'm objectively ugly and I just embrace it. I don't wear 'flattering clothes', diet all the time or carefully groom myself. What's the point, I leave that to the beautiful people. It's very freeing when you lean into it. I've never worn make up or shaved my legs, I don't even look in the mirror when I leave the house. If I'm comfortable in clothes I like I then I'm ready. I used to get men telling me I was ugly from car windows as they drove past, in case I wasn't aware, but that's stopped as I've got older. There is no point not being in photos, everyone can see you anyway and they've accepted what you look like. They will be thinking about themselves anyway, no-one is really thinking about what other people look like for long.

I was ugly until I hit 30 and had major surgery on my face which then made me pretty attractive. Having been both I do understand what you mean about being overlooked, life is just easier, people are warmer and I am more confident which makes a difference.

As someone who went through major surgery I would say, pick something you hate about yourself and do something to change it. You will feel a million times better about yourself if you do.

I disagree with some others on here that there are, objectively, ugly people. Most however could be made significantly more attractive with a good hair style, flattering clothes, some dentistry and a bit of makeup (the women - it’s much harder to makeover men). It’s clear which people have ‘given up’ on themselves. I pretty much think any woman can be made over to look decent - which is the premise of all those shows with Gok Wan etc. To a certain extent, it’s a money issue as it’s much easier to look good if you have money to spend on your appearance.

All that being said, I bet a lot of this is in your head and you are actually perfectly pleasant to look at! It’s easy to get fixated on appearance in our society. But if I was you I’d find the money to get my hair cut and coloured nicely, and invest in some good makeup, as it will help you feel better about yourself.

I get how you feel because I also feel that alas I am ugly. Now in my sixties my face is much more lined than others of similar age. My teeth are wonky and my eyes appear smaller and muddy coloured. Often I would rather stay home and hide! So I do understand how you feel.

I guess it's hip to waist ratio but, but this is easily disguised with clothing, gosh a size 8? Many people would kill for that, extra around the middle or otherwise

Mainly I get ignored. Occasionally I get pity - like the beautiful inside and out comment (which is basically a shorter way of saying the Twits thing). Overlooked at work. Overlooked socially.

A lot of how people respond to you is how you portray yourself - don’t underestimate the effect of good posture, an assertive way of talking and a bubbly personality. Good looking people are often just more confident in themselves.

YANBU. I absolutely hate it when people trot out the 'beautiful inside' crap - usually people who are at the very least on the right side of average.

Yes, I am ugly. People who try to tell me otherwise are denying my lived experience of this - being called 'ugly' and worse by complete strangers (usually but not always men).

However, OP, it's true that age is a leveller, you just haven't quite reached that stage yet. I'm in my 50s and properly middle-aged and I now feel the comfort of being part of a homogenous mass of middle-aged women who largely pass under the radar. I don't get insulted in the street anymore and that's enough for me.

To give you an idea of how I look, my last public interaction was a drunk guy on a bus shouting at me "oi geezer with the ponytail" 😳Sure I hadn't made a huge effort that day but still!

I was the same in that with a lot of effort I could maybe push myself to maybe a 4 but when you're low numbers already it doesn't make a difference. I decided I was tired of letting society make me feel that I somehow needed to make myself "acceptable" to others. Now I please only myself.

I don't dye my hair through choice. It's expensive, an absolute nightmare to maintain (my roots used to come through within a week or two). Sometimes I wear make up, sometimes not. Really just depends if I want to. I don't pick clothes to try and "flatter" me. I wear clothes I like that make me feel good. If it makes me look bigger so be it.

The more "effort" I used to make, the more insecure I used to feel. I realised I was seeking others approval and when it didn't come, or worse I was insulted somehow, it hit me even harder. My life improved massively when I let it all go and just stopped worrying about it.

Right?! Beautiful inside and out is NOT a compliment.