To just accept I’m ugly?

[Ifgollumwalkedtheearth]

I’m 40 now and have fought against it for years. I think when I was younger I was ugly in comparison to those my own age but youth got me through to a point.

Now im older but see women of my age attracting attention or compliments - I guess I have hoped age would be the leveller (selfishly) but im just older and ugly as opposed to younger and ugly 🤣

I try and not feel sad about it but I am. I get overlooked and ignored at work and in social situations because of my appearance. I’m actually starting to feel embarrassed to leave the house because I don’t want people to see me and also every time I do go out I end up just having it confirmed to me.

AIBU to think that people who aren’t ugly don’t understand? And that everyone can say that thing from The Twits about beauty shining out if you are kind but it’s not actually true in the real world.
My friend said recently that I was ‘beautiful inside and out,’ which is the kindest way I’ve heard someone saying you have an ok personality but you look like a gargoyle I think!

There is a lot to be said for being fit, strong and graceful, no matter what your features. I would suggest strength training, dancing and something like yoga or pilates to work on your body confidence and appreciation. Doesn't have to cost you anything as there is a load of content on the internet you can use.

And dyeing your hair you can do at home - not sure why you'd need to pay salon prices for that!

Another voice saying work on your self esteem. I have never had a complement on my looks or been chatted up by a man who didn't know me as a person first.
I didn't think I'm ugly, but I do have resting bitch face and apparently come across as unapproachable. I also take an awful photo.
Get fit and strong, be confident in your self as a human. Dont cause drama by refusing to be in a group photo.

I think that life is too short and you have to make a choice, either you accept it and you embrace it, or you do something about it.

I remember an interview where Tracey Emin called herself ugly - that's subjective, I've never found her "

I also think it's unrealistic to speak about "natural beauty" and expect everything to be magically beautiful. In your 20s, maybe, but when you get older, you do little things. Even Kate Middleton is very heavily relying on treatments, and she has a very natural look, but "natural" she's not.

You don't have to go for plastic surgery, but most people make an effort towards their appearance:
teeth, hair, skin, make-up, clothes that fit properly

you say you look very fat around my middle and my arms are fat as well
That's the easiest fix, a bit of diet and a lot of exercise to tone that up, you'll be done in less than 6 months (and it's good for you)

It's absolutely bollocks that "age is a leveller" when most women (and men) get help to look the best they possibly can, women who don't just look more tired, older. LIke it or not, but something as simple (even if it's expensive when done properly) as white teeth makes a huge difference.

This is what motivates me to fight those feelings! I read something (I think it was an article) when my son was very young and the thought really stuck with me.

I was always so self critical and would delete so many pictures if they didn't look just right. But it helped me realise, to me I'm seeing this flaw, or that messy hair, but to my child he will just see his mum (I know I've never critiqued my own parents photos, I just loved seeing them).
So I fight that urge now ..and my son has taken some right corkers of me too 😂

Interesting that someone else who feels they aren’t attractive agrees that beautiful inside and out is not a compliment. Very much does not feel like one.
I know there isn’t much that I can do but it just depresses me. I haven’t found age to be the great leveller people say it is.

of course there are lots of things you can do!

Body is easy - it takes consistency and commitment, but diet and exercise will sort it out. It's a choice if you look at photos and are happy about your shape.

Face wise? Without going to extreme, a different haircut, glasses (even if you don't need them) very different make-up. You will always be YOU, but there's a better version of you that's easily found, if you want to.

You know that Princess Diana (famously) hated her nose? When she posed for photos, she only showed a certain angle (no, I don't know what was wrong with her nose, she looked absolutely beautiful on every angle to me, but everyone is allowed to feel imperfect)

I think you need to completely reframe this. What you look like is such a small aspect of who you are and shouldn't define you in any way.
My beauty is mostly in the eye of the beholder too, but how I look is way way down the list of things I care about and define myself by. I am:
Quite clever & academic
Interested in the natural world
Interested in philosophy
Interested in & enjoy narrative & metaphor
Friendly
Aim to be helpful in most situations
A reader
A writer
A teacher
Pretty healthy and lucky
A bit awkward/clueless at times
Clumsy
Enthusiastically bad at yoga
Etc etc...

I consider myself quite ugly and I'm very unphotogenic, but I tell myself I am loved by friends and family, and equally I love my friends and family regardless of how they look! As I get older and after a big health scare, my looks matter to me less now.

I’ve only seen people say it on Facebook to objectively attractive women who are also nice. Your perception is that it isn’t a compliment but it definitely can be.

it's only a compliment when people say in AND out.

(It's not a bad thing to acknowledge that women can be stunning/ attractive/ very pretty AND intelligent, kind etc. Your physical appearance doesn't define your brains or personality)

Remove the out, and it's not a nice thing to say to anyone.

He friend did say inside and out though?

You might be plain OP but I doubt you see actively ugly - it's an unusual thing to be.

Your comment about having a fat middle does support the idea that you may not be entirely objective about this - you might carry some fat around your middle but at a size 8 it's at a level that's VERY easy to disguise with clothes.

Assuming you are fairly plain, then age will shortly level things out further, so hang onto that.

Being blunt, at the age of 40 if you are overlooked socially and at work, this is a confidence not a looks issue. Unless you work in a v appearance orientated industry no one is going to be giving a shit what you look like.

Of course it's nice to be good looking at any age, but it matters a lot less as we age.

Stop worrying about what people are thinking when they look at you, because they aren't (they might if you had a deformity, you don't) -and crack on with living your life.

Go and see your GP about low confidence and anxiety, they will be able to put you on an (admittedly long) list for counselling.

Borrow some books from the library about building up confidence and follow the advice that resonates with you, make a plan to stretch yourself a bit, each week.

Do something about one aspect of your appearance you'd like to improve - sounds like it's your hair, so watch some YouTube videos and get an over the counter dye. Or if you have a hairdresser training school near you they may do highlights and haircuts for a nominal fee - if not an over the counter dye will help.

If you don't want to be in photos, don't. My mum avoided them - she was perfectly average looking, she just didn't like them. I don't really like my teeth so always keep my mouth shut, if that helps.

Do keep in mind the Victorian mantra that no one is looking at you, it is true. It would be madness, at 40, to let the fact you are nothing to look at ruin your life.

Ok I won’t trot out the usual stuff, then, even though I think it.

Practical help/advice:

Hair: can’t afford hairdresser? Get Wella professional colour. It is JUST as easy as a box dye at home but with better results.
Post a picture of just your hair and some hairdressers on here will chip in with that you need. I have brown/grey hair and use Wella colour touch plus 88/07 mixed with Wella emulsion. Slap it on with a brush. Semi-permanent gloss every 4 weeks. Looks as good as a hairdresser. Cheap on Amazon.

Face: cleanse, exfoliate, moisturise.

Make-up: go to a fancy counter and get them to do a demo thing for you. Be strong, you don’t have to buy if you can’t afford (or buy and take back another day). Then get duplicate cheaper stuff.

Excercise: I highly doubt you’re how you describe but if shedding a couple of pounds from your (already small) frame would make you feel better?

I could bang on about sleep and diet but that is too hard at this time of year!

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, it sucks.

It’s so sad that you feel this way. I was very attractive in my youth, but it was not something I saw myself. I had a really good figure too, but always dressed in baggy oversized clothes! Now when I look back on old photos, I can’t believe I didn’t see it back then, would give anything to look like that now. If it makes you feel any better, everyone (pretty much) that I have either envied or lusted after we’re ‘conventionally’ ugly - but not to me! There WILL be people who see you as attractive. 💕💕

I used to get bullied about my looks.

My hair colour, weight, nose!

Then I discovered makeup and it actually enhance my features and I've had people call me pretty but that's subjective to us all isn't it.

In my 20s, my makeup looked awful as I didn't know how to apply it. 30s I've learned and I can make myself look nice.

I am still over weight but am slowly losing it.

I've been on both sides of the coin.

Been made to feel truly ugly and hideous to the point I don't feel attractive unless I have makeup on.

It leaves a scar inside about being accepted and not wanting to be noticed in the wrong way.

It took a long time of self reflection and getting into my 30s to be able to even go into work with no makeup on. I still aren't acceptable in my head and I never will be. But I'm happy being passable with makeup on.

And one colleague even said they would dream to have my nose! It's straight and pointy like a witch. She has a different shaped nose but it goes well with her beauty. Interestingly we both got called the same name insult at school about our noses but have very different shapes!

Bullying and name calling is what does the damage. Maybe if people kept their thoughts to themselves, we wouldn't feel this way bout ourselves.

You can get over your fear of being photographed. I doubt there’s a woman on the planet that hasn’t worried about her looks - we are conditioned to think how we look is the most important thing about us and it’s difficult to shake it off as we are having that message reinforced all the time. However if anyone was to list all the positive qualities they are looking for in a mother, sister, friend, life long partner, colleague etc I doubt being a 10 (and what does that even mean anyway) would be the top of anyone’s list or on anyone decent’s list at all.

I scrub up well on a good day but I’m overweight and I’ve always been overweight as an adult and I have issues with my body and how it looks and how I treat it - but I also feel sad and angry that I haven’t looked after myself because I didn’t think I was worth the time, effort and energy because my body wasn’t naturally lean. How different my life might have been if I’d worked with what I had rather than not even bothering because I didn’t think I could be perfect.

This, thank you
OP you are super critical of yourself which is worrying.
I hope you are getting emotional support from somewhere.
Step by step
Alot of people can't afford to have their hair coloured professionally, that doesn't mean that they are ugly.
Skin care, healthy diet, make up (if you like makeup) are just some examples of self care

Of course it isn’t. But OPs friend said inside and out.