To just accept I’m ugly?

[Ifgollumwalkedtheearth]

I’m 40 now and have fought against it for years. I think when I was younger I was ugly in comparison to those my own age but youth got me through to a point.

Now im older but see women of my age attracting attention or compliments - I guess I have hoped age would be the leveller (selfishly) but im just older and ugly as opposed to younger and ugly 🤣

I try and not feel sad about it but I am. I get overlooked and ignored at work and in social situations because of my appearance. I’m actually starting to feel embarrassed to leave the house because I don’t want people to see me and also every time I do go out I end up just having it confirmed to me.

AIBU to think that people who aren’t ugly don’t understand? And that everyone can say that thing from The Twits about beauty shining out if you are kind but it’s not actually true in the real world.
My friend said recently that I was ‘beautiful inside and out,’ which is the kindest way I’ve heard someone saying you have an ok personality but you look like a gargoyle I think!

dont worry @Ifgollumwalkedtheearth I’m fat ans ugly - and have a weird voice because I’m hearing impaired.

when I fell out the ugly tree i hit every branch on the way down and fell into the bad luck thorn bush at the bottom

Sorry that you feel like this.

Honestly if you are ugly I would just style it the fuck out. It sounds like your face has real character so have fun with make up and get shit hot at dressing stylishly as YOU. It can be liberating to have the freedom to do whatever you want.

“Valentando · Today 08:27
Ifgollumwalkedtheearth · Today 07:53
Right?! Beautiful inside and out is NOT a compliment.
Show quote history
Er, yes it is. Did you miss the "and out" bit?
This is one of several things that make me think that your problem seems more psychological than physical.
you heard "beautiful inside and out" as an insult
you literally panic at having a photo taken
you see yourself as podgy in spite of being a size 8
None of this is psychologically healthy. And none of it suggests that you are anywhere near "just accepting that I'm ugly," either. Have you had any therapy for this issue?
You may or may not be physically ugly. But I think you definitely could do with some psychotherapy.”

This with bells on. Your friend literally told you that you were externally beautiful and you somehow took that as a negative comment on your appearance. I’m wondering what messages you were given growing up. One of my DH’s female friends - literally one of the best looking women i’ve ever met - was convinced she was unattractive due to cruel messaging she was given growing up.

As PP have said, most people are fairly ordinary looking. Their attractiveness is a combination of aspects of their physical appearance and their personality. It really sounds to me like you would benefit from therapy around this.

Attention and compliments are mostly for clothes/ hair/ accessories (maybe makeup for some?) looking "well" - which often means a tan or gaining (if previously a little gaunt) or losing (probably more often) weight.

In other words attention and compliments from people you know/ see regularly aren't for just being attractive/ beautiful. The basics are the same every day, people compliment the little differences - they might say "that colour really suits you" but it would be flat out weird to compliment the basic attractiveness/ beauty of someone you see daily but aren't in a relationship with/ related to, or flirting with...

If you mean romantic attention that's also generally about how people dress and behave, except the infinitely tiny number of people who are "movie star" beautiful IRL.

If you mean attention on social media - it's shocking how many very ordinary people use filters 😝 and some people also spend hours posing for and choosing flattering photos.

Wouldn't say I'm ugly (but then again I can't say I've ever met anyone who I'd consider ugly?) but I'm very plain and extremely unphotogenic. It is what it is - I actually think a benefit of not being considered pretty or beautiful throughout your life is that you're not desperately trying to hold onto it as you age. That must be fucking exhausting.

You don't HAVE to be beautiful. Just like you don't have to be bonde, or dark haired, or rich, or whatever. I hated that Dove advertising about different types of beauty, because the message was still that we must be beautiful. We don't. We are allowed to not give a damn.

Having said that, of course you can look the best you can by being "put together" and well groomed. Very few people are really ugly if they are well groomed. And if they have an amazing personality and are happy in themselves, they will be attractive- not in a sexual way, but meaning that people will want to be with them, will admire them, etc.

Being well groomed demands time and/or money, though. That's the cruel part.

I'm not good looking and really quite hideous in almost every picture ever taken of me. The only ones that are vaguely acceptable are where I am wearing so much make up that I look like I've been prepared for burial.

I'm now in my sixties so looks really don't matter so much. But my one piece of advice that I give to anyone who says they are ugly, is to find one thing you are really good at and lean into it. It might be cross stitch, it might be painting, it might be cat breeding. But find it and join societies, clubs, anything you can where your work is complimented. It will raise your self esteem, and THAT will make you feel a million times better.

I look dreadful in majority of photos. I often have a strange expression on my face and look awful. I have a small handful of photos that are ok - average - but nice maybe my hair finally looks ok or my face has less folds and shadows due to the lighting. I purposely keep these photos aside to look at them when I feel a bit down on my looks to remind me I may not win any supermodel contests but I have taken an ok photo on the past and I have the proof. I really encourage the same. I’m sure there has to be a photo or more somewhere that is nice too.

Also, so many people get overlooked at work! I’ve seen good-looking people not make it from promotions or opportunities. I remember one woman that probably could have been a model she had the looks, and she got nowhere. She was a smart woman too but there was a lot of competition and she didn’t get far in the end. I’ve seen many cases like this over the years and I’ve been working in my current field for almost 20 years.

Kathy Burke is not a physically attractive woman. But people want to spend time with her because she’s honest and funny. She’s outspoken and has qualities that attract others to her.

I don’t think physical attributes are the be all and end all. Plenty of people with all sorts of features find love and friendships.

🫂

I have the same feeling, and I think people just don't get it. I'm petite but have a wonky asymmetric face. I know people say that you focus more on your own features and I know that to a point, but I have had more than one person in my life ask me when I broke my nose, or why I'm so tired - I can't deny genetic half moons under my eyes, or a deviated septum.
I have no cheekbones and a long face which means despite being slim my face looks oddly chunky. Also a very small mouth, which means an awkward smile.

I can wear a nice outfit and style my hair, I can't change my features. I look awful in photos, and as I get older I can see how much I'm going to look like my gran - I actually think my 'character' face will suit being an old lady, it doesn't suit me now though! I have in the past had compliments about my outfits or being slim, but I've never been called beautiful or told I'm pretty, and as I've got older I've become invisible very quickly.

To be fair to your friend OP, when we know and love people we see the best of them.
Which is as it should be. I’m sure your friend means what she said, even if you don’t believe her.

On the other hand, I hate when people pretend that looks don’t matter at all in life - that’s just not true.
Out in the real world, being attractive has so many benefits; it can give opportunities, and certainly means that in general you are treated better - whereas being unattractive means people usually get either ridiculed or ignored.
It’s one of the reasons there is a billion dollar beauty industry.

All you can do OP is make the best of what you have, and find ways to feel good about yourself. I like exercising because it makes me feel strong and capable, and means that I see my body in a more positive way - what it can do vs. how it looks.

The only time I look at someone and think they’re ugly is if they have really nasty personality. I never see someone just walking down the street and think ooh they’re ugly. Anyone who does, needs to have a word with themselves.
I am attractive, classically, but I have been leered at groped (and worse), cat called, judged constantly by other women, bullied throughout school so it also comes with its problems.
when I was younger, I used to not want to leave the house because I was harassed all the time. I used to dream of the day I was an old lady and men would ignore me! Just to give you a different perspective.
oh and when I say someone is beautiful inside and out, I really mean it! It’s a true compliment.

You need to understand the world is not judging you the way you judge yourself.
Do you walk around thinking.. She’s ugly, he’s ugly, ooo look a pretty one?
I work with a woman who is naturally beautiful, other women can be vile to her! So it’s not true that pretty people have it easier.
I think you should maybe try a few counselling sessions to help you with this, it sounds like a crappy way to think.
Just to add, I was born with a birth defect and have a scar running through one cheek and I’m blind in one eye, the muscles don’t work properly so one eye is around 50% smaller than the other.
I was bullied at school but therapy definitely helped me to learn that the sort of person who picks apart other people’s looks are arseholes, and who cares about the opinions of a dickhead anyway.

Weight. Fitness. Skin. Teeth.

That's literally all there is to it. If you're in good condition, you will be attractive.

That's a bit of a glib comment, I was told it would cost 7k upwards to fix my teeth, with no guarantee that they would be straight at the end of it... Just because it's quick to write doesn't mean it's possible to do.

I bet you don't walk down the road thinking " God that woman is ugly", and I am sure that people aren't thinking it when they pass you. Its only you who thinks it.

The chances are that you are ordinary.
Most folk are ordinary, there aren't that many beautiful or even noticeably attractive folk about. We all have wonky noses, or bad teeth, or hooded eyes or whatever bits of ourselves we hate on. Mostly we just make the best of it with make up or styling, or as many do, don't bother their arse.

I get where you are coming from. I have the worst self image and think that I am ugly too. I am probably not though. I have had my share of compliments and am probably what would be called striking. But I see a troll in the mirror. it causes crippling self consciousness which I think puts people off you. I know this objectively but cant unthink what I think about myself.
Its awful and destructive and you really should try not to do it.........but I have no advice how you stop it as I do it myself. Perhaps everybody does to an extent.

I empathise as I feel similarly. I could ride out my ugliness as a younger woman as I had ‘youth’ on my side. I had a good figure, decent hair, nice smile (was bad as a teen though, better 16+). I always tried to make the best of myself.

Now I’m in my 50s I look terrible. My skin is shit (zitty/dry) cos of meno (hrt made it worse), and obviously I’m getting wrinkly/jowly in to the bargain.

I do feel even less confident now in my looks - no-one hurls abuse at me or anything- I’m pretty invisible as a middle-aged woman, but it comes from my perception of myself (and years of name-calling at school).

I don’t mind ‘posed’ photos but I hate candid shots when it catches my profile so I avoid that as much as possible. I like to be in photos w my friends so that helps. I’m sure your friends want to be in with you too.

I didn’t have much luck w men as a young woman/teen as you can imagine, but I met dh at 22 - was prob in my ‘prime’ then so that helped a bit. He’s not ugly (actually has a nice face) but not a prize specimen either. We are prob a reasonable match in general. I also had two DC who are thankfully, nice looking, esp DS.

I feel the same OP. My body is awkward and gangling (I’m 5’9 with size 8 feet and used to feel lanky when I was young and thin, now I’m overweight and just feel like a giant) and my face isn’t great.

i have very red cheeks (rosacea) and started wearing makeup from a very young age to try and even out my skin tone, but I don’t have good makeup up skills, even as an adult, so it never looks good.

Even as a child I was always jealous and in awe of pretty girls and how it was just normal to them to be so naturally confident and happy with how they looked. I always felt I stood out so much because of my height.

I still feel much the same as an adult. I’m not hideous, but there is no part of me I’m happy with. My frame is just too big to be able to do anything about and other than my rosacea there’s nothing particularly wrong with my face, they just don’t make a great whole.

I just try not to think about it too much but I do understand where you are coming from.

This is so true - how often do you see someone and think 'Omg, they're ugly!'? Almost never.

I have had almost zero, zip, zilch attention from men my entire life, even in my teens,/20s. And thank God - from what I've heard getting lots of attention from men sucks. I don't think I'm ugly, though - just not a classic idea of feminine or pretty. I'm not beautiful either, and that's fine.. its just not where my personal value lies. Some men have found me very attractive, including my husband, which I find kind of odd, but it's never been important to me what men think of my looks.

I know exactly what you mean. I’ve had it shouted out but in your 50s you’re just some middle-aged woman so no-one cares.

My mate is obsessed with looking fat, she is a size 6 to 8 and has been since we were very young, she is 62 now. She doesn’t do well with men, it’s because she is a complainer and quite mardy. I love my friend but she is so negative she is a bit much sometimes. She even said last year well it’s always been easy for you because you’re pretty with quite a bit of venom. If I hadn’t known her most of my life and really know how and why she ticks the way she does our friendship would have been over.

You make the most of what you have.

Im blunt. I would say your beautiful inside and out AND MEAN IT. Not all women are making snide digs or back hand comments.
I have a friend like you who seems to be waiting for her life to begin but theres always an excuse - she needs to tone up, if she hd different hair, if her face wasnt x, or z. She's literally not living as seems to give a crap about what everyone else thinks

Honestly I think cbt could work wonders for you in changing your mindset of how you perceive yourself and how those around you respond.

Kathy Burke is amazing and so funny and self-deprecating. I loved her in 'Gimme, Gimme, Gimme' when she would be flicking through a magazine shouting 'what's going on? I'm not a brunette!' and then 'oh, it's Catherine Zeta Jones'!

Most people would prefer to spend time with her rather than someone very good-looking but dull or unpleasant.