To just accept I’m ugly?

[Ifgollumwalkedtheearth]

I’m 40 now and have fought against it for years. I think when I was younger I was ugly in comparison to those my own age but youth got me through to a point.

Now im older but see women of my age attracting attention or compliments - I guess I have hoped age would be the leveller (selfishly) but im just older and ugly as opposed to younger and ugly 🤣

I try and not feel sad about it but I am. I get overlooked and ignored at work and in social situations because of my appearance. I’m actually starting to feel embarrassed to leave the house because I don’t want people to see me and also every time I do go out I end up just having it confirmed to me.

AIBU to think that people who aren’t ugly don’t understand? And that everyone can say that thing from The Twits about beauty shining out if you are kind but it’s not actually true in the real world.
My friend said recently that I was ‘beautiful inside and out,’ which is the kindest way I’ve heard someone saying you have an ok personality but you look like a gargoyle I think!

What do you currently do to make your appearance better ?
You can still keep your hair looking nice at home pick a box dye you like and keep it up, and make sure your hair’s clean, brushed, and simple. Even small things make a big difference. A decent shampoo and conditioner helps too (I’m a fan of Aussie). If you can’t style your hair get on YT and pick up some easy tips.

Are you getting your eyebrows done? Well-groomed brows can totally change your look. A tinted lip balm is also an easy way to add a bit of color so you don’t look pale.

Skincare doesn’t need to be fancyjust a day and night cream, and maybe a BB cream for every day to even out your tone.

And drink A LOT water. Your skin will thank you.

But beautiful inside and out IS a heartfelt compliment... Your friend tried to make you understand what she sees, surely? I don't understand how this is a back-handed compliment or a put down at all. And, tbh, it reminds me of the sort of conversations I had with friends when we were teenagers. My view is that we should try and move away from this beautiful/ugly obsession, which most of the time is just a marketing ploy anyway. Who cares what someone looks like?? I've never chosen friends based on their appearance or admired someone more because they fit the image of what is considered "beautiful" at that time. Let's just all accept ourselves and make the most of our short lives?

I wouldn't normally suggest that you're not a reliable guide to your own looks- after all you know what you look like and I don't. But there are two things in your post that suggest your judgement is a bit off- 1) you interpret your friend calling you beautiful "inside and out" as meaning you look like a gargoyle. She literally called you beautiful on the outside (as well as the inside)! 2) You describe yourself as fat at size 8.

I will absolutely use this as a compliment to people I think are beautiful!

I hear you, OP. And I think other posters are in denial about how "you're beautiful inside and out" is damning with feint praise. Nobody good-looking ever gets the "inside and out" part, because their beauty doesn't need to be qualified.

That said, half of us are uglier than the average person, and we just have to muddle through. I can't remember the last time someone took a photo I thought I looked good in. But if I shied away from photos altogether, it would just draw attention to my less attractive qualities (including my insecurity). So I stand and I try to smile with my eyes and I know that nobody who looks at the photo will ever judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

Confidence is actually the most attractive thing. I know people who aren't blessed physically but their flamboyance, sense of style and confidence make them very attractive. Have you never known a woman like this whom men just flock to despite the fact that they're very average/below average looking officially? I can think of three people right now that fit into this category who are never short of male attention nor fail to turn heads when they walk into a room.

One of my DH’s female friends - literally one of the best looking women i’ve ever met - was convinced she was unattractive due to cruel messaging she was given growing up.

I was the same owing to my narcissist mother who I now realise hated having a young and pretty daughter taking attention away from her. Do think about your upbringing and the messaging you were given. And remember that when you meet someone new, you clock their appearance during the first moments but when you start to interact with them, somehow you forget what they look like. That goes for colour, looks and age.

I appreciate what you're saying to a point, but that isn't just confidence, it's charisma. We can all work on our confidence, but charisma is a gift!

I think very few people are ugly. Most people are in an ordinary scale and then it depends on what you do with it. Things like keeping fit and trim, dental work if needed, a bit of colouring in if needed can really change a lot, as can not doing anything and letting it all go. I also think confidence goes a long way. I’m friends with a woman who wouldn’t be considered a beauty at all but has charm and charisma in buckets. You’d remember her more than you’d remember a pretty face.

Fair enough, charisma was probably the word I was looking for but I'm just trying to point out that attractiveness isn't just about looks. It's within everyone's reach if they truly want it.

I doubt you are ugly OP. Some people are plainer to an others, make less effort so in a polished world perhaps appear less attractive? I don’t know.
Get yourself a box dye!

I’ve known very beautiful, absolute arseholes if that helps!

It isn't in everyone's reach though. Everyone can make slight improvements, but for some of us thats moving from a 2 to a 3 like the OP said. And how much improvement they can make depends on their personal circumstances.
I'm not too hung up on looks, I focus on what my body can do. But if I were to think about my looks and how I come across - well, I'm autistic, and come across awkwardly to others, there's only so much masking I can do, and people pick up on the lack of eye contact etc. I have a bad smile (facial structure and the teeth I can't afford orthodontal work for) I also can't change my asymmetry, or that my body doesn't meet modern beauty standards.

Pretending looks don't matter, or good looks are a choice, when we're in a society that values aesthetics more than ever, is disingenuous. Just because something isn't a problem for you doesn't mean it isn't a problem for the next person.

Pretty privilege is real but most people are average. Might be your lack of confidence that causes you to be overlooked.

Years ago, when I used to commute by Tube, I regularly saw a woman who, if you analysed her face and hair, was not at all conventionally attractive - a true "jolie laide". However, she was so cool and stylish in a way that I don't think would have worked if she had been pretty.

Everything about her was well looked after - she had very fine, thin hair, but in a sharp cut and she wore clothes that were appropriate to her work (by chance, I later met her at a work event, as it turned out that she was a member of the same profession as me), but were slightly unusual. I remember a particularly lovely multicolored, long knit coat.

I would say " lean into it" and play to your strengths.

In short yes. Best thing to do is accept your aesthetic shortcomings!

North of age 40 people are less concerned about looks so this plays in your favour.

Buy flattering clothes, a well-planned capsule wardrobe refresh can really lift you. Vinted might be your friend here!

Stay fit and eat healthy and be a good person. Those are the important things.

I would never choose to be friends with someone based on looks. It really is what's inside that counts.

Are they open, honest, friendly, confident, a good listener, a good storyteller, are they kind, funny, interesting?

Those are the attributes that matter.

Look I doubt any of us here are going to be a Supermodel any time soon! "Gilding the lily," as my DGM called it when applying her Bourgois rouge and Yardley powder.finished off with a spray of April Violets! You have some nice make up ,a good haircut and some flattering clothes .Goes a long way to "beauty" .Surely though women have come on a lot since Feminism .As long as you are healthy and enjoying life so what

With feminism I meant!

I'm not saying looks don't matter or make things easier just that confidence and charisma can take their place in the attraction stakes. If you head out thinking that all your efforts have brought you from a 2 to a 3.5 then that's exactly what has happened. If you walk into a room like the most beautiful woman there, that will have a very different impact.

Beautiful inside and out means you are attractive and have a nice personality. The fact you think it means ugly makes me think this is really just your perception.

Surely you can comprehend the phrase inside and out?

Oh and if you're a size 8 you won't be looking very fat anywhere. Sorry but you really need to seek some help for this.

Do you know what is more sexy than beauty? CONFIDENCE!

im hoping you get to the ‘ I don’t give a fuck stage’ which I’ve been told by many woman does come around the 40s decade due to peri and I hope you find that and get some confidence and all this upset is gone from your life.

you matter! You are Important! Don’t ever forget that

I think the 'beautiful inside and out', is a lovely compliment.
I remember Princess Diana's brother said it at her funeral, and I thought it was a very touching comment, and he obviously meant it from the heart.
Your friend probably sees you in that way, why do you doubt it?

Physical beauty fades, internal beauty doesn't, I know, as an older woman, I would choose the latter if I had the choice.
You sound a bit obsessed with the physical, I very much doubt you are ugly, maybe ordinary, which is probably what 90% of the population is.

Are you healthy? If you are, concentrate on that gift.

OP I think more than your looks, you should work on your self esteem. Can you give an example/ situation of something that has made you feel so in confident in your appearance?

As a teen, I thought I was the most ugly girl in my town. I remember two boys got on the bus, they laughed and I thought they were probably laughing at me

Now, with far more self esteem and confidence, I realise just how unlikely that was

I suggest (1) stop worrying about your appearance (2) work on your self esteem and confidence and (3) the rest will follow