If you didn't have kids, would you still be with your husband?

[ChampagneProblem]

I wouldn't. We're together for the kids. Six more years until I'm free.

Am I the only one??

Mine is bloody brilliant so yes, absolutely. We’d be travelling and having adventures rather than doing laundry and watching taskmaster in the 30 minutes spare time we have after the kids are in bed though, so it would certainly be different! 😆

Why on earth do you think this? Seeing my parents unhappy fucked me up. My ex and I are happy apart and the kids get two happy parents who get on well.

You aren’t comparing like with like.

Do children with happy parents still living together have a statistically better chance than separated parents? Yes.

Do children with unhappy parents still living together have a statistically better chance than separated parents? No.

DH and I couldn’t have children together but still married and happy.

Yes, definitely, he’s wonderful.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and life post divorce was much much better. My friends whose parents waited till they’d left home to split took it much harder. On top of dealing with the news of the divorce and the practicalities they all felt like they’d been living a lie/sold a lie/felt responsible for their parents being unhappy longer than they should have been/wondered why their parents couldn’t stay together longer if they’d managed so far.

I’ve never heard anyone say they were glad their parents stayed together “for them” only to divorce later.

If we’d never had kids, probably not, but we did and like many, it wasn’t that bad that we’d have split up and affected them at the time

We don’t have kids, together 40 years.

It’s not been perfect but we basically suit each other well. But I do agree with the thought that you only have one life, so don’t waste it in misery.

Particularly if you have dc. Why model to them that you stayed while unhappy? Even if they don’t know yet, they will pick up on it as they grow.

Is there something specific? Would counselling, either together or alone , help ?

Yes I would be with him. So many people I know have divorced parents and are all doing fine so in this day and age I don’t think you need to stay together. DH’s parents are divorced and he’s the most successful person I know.

Six years of arguments and a horrible atmosphere at home are going to be far worse for your children than a divorce

Maybe, we would of been good friends though.

Yes- over 25 years and love him to bits.
My parents divorced when I was at primary school. I still remember the atmosphere in the house and then the relief after they split.
Your children will know and you’re teaching them that this is an acceptable way to live.

I really hope those staying together "for the sake of the children " read this and take it in.

Every single person I know who has divorced parents says the same thing.

The ones whose parents split when they were very young adjusted well and have ended with with healthy relationships with both parents (and new step-parents), and were glad that the divorce happened.

The ones whose parents stayed together through their teenage years just remember the barely concealed anger and misery (and overheard rows when the parents thought the kids couldn't hear) that made their home environments awful. The ones whose parents split the minute they left for university were probably the most fucked-up because they were saddled with a load of extra guilt, and they had to deal with a huge family upheaval just when they needed to be focusing on their own transition into independence.

"Staying together for the children" is a huge, huge lie.

Yes, we're super cringe we finish each other's sentences lol. Our kiddo will likely be deeply embarrassed by us when she's older.

As a "child of divorce" I can categorically say I don't think my life is any worse off for it. Living with people who don't really like each other strikes me as having the potential to be far more damaging, I'd be surprised if your kids are oblivious.

It's not one size fits all but to be fair to the OP, she is correct that stats consistently show that children of separated/divorced parents fare worse. I'm not arguing that this means anyone should stay in a bad marriage. I'm just noting that facts are facts and pretending they are not doesn't help anyone. I am not saying the best option for OP here is not divorce, merely saying she's not wrong to consider all her options.

Yes, because I love my husband. Marriage provides the foundation for which to raise children, but having children isn't the be all and end all. As we know, some couples end up childless through no fault of their own. Can you imagine how many marriages would collapse if one or both parties found out they were infertile?

"I want kids, but I don't love you enough to stay with you if I can't have them."

I hate this world enough as it is, I certainly don't want to live in a world like that.

Because only on Mumsnet is it so easy for one to waltz off into the sunset whereas in real life it means children changing schools, downsizing, live becoming hideously complicated and expensive, everyone being very unhappy for a year or two while the dust settles and in the scheme of that it’s easier just to wait?

Easier maybe, but potentially more harmful to the children.

I'm not saying definitely leave, but look at the obstacles and see if they are passible

If you had asked this 10 years ago then my answer would have been no. We did get on but we were like room mates, nothing else. We split up when my eldest were in their early twenties and the youngest an older teen, so they were able to handle it and said they knew all along that things weren’t right. I believe that financially they would have suffered if we had split up earlier and by waiting they were living independently and starting out on their own lives, so they weren’t as upset as if we had split up earlier.

Are you me? 😆

Our relationship pre kids was wonderful. He was, and still is, supportive, kind, ambitious and I had no doubts about marrying him. But having kids has been so tough on our relationship that we now feel more like co parenting housemates. He’s a fantastic dad, very hands on, and is still a lovely person who shares my values.

But… we bicker a lot. Our communication is poor, we lack connection and intimacy and it all feels quite tit for tat. We seem to have built up resentment towards each other without really knowing why.

our lifestyles aren’t hugely aligned either - we want to eat at different times, I’m more sociable, we don’t like the same type of TV etc and we’re both WFH pretty much full time (in stressful jobs) which doesn’t help. His life seems to have shrunk to work, kids, stress (mine is similar but I do more socially).

one of our children has additional needs so we’re both just exhausted all the time and seem to have nothing left for each other. He’s also developed some problematic drinking habits which have really tested us to the limit :(

it’s so hard because in many ways I’m so lucky to have him - I know I’m not easy to live with either and not many people would put up with me 🤣 I don’t want to throw our marriage away and like a PP said the thought of leaving is just impossible in practical terms … but I just don’t know where to start in sorting things out!

Of course I would, I love him and would choose him again any day. He's my best friend, my life partner, my soulmate. I just can't even picture him not being there until death do us part.

I also think we'd coparent well but that's because we are a great team and have huge respect for each other so why would we be not together?

I suppose if you don't fight and everything is mostly comfortable and not full of resentment then staying together for the kids makes some sense but I can't picture a couple where that would be the case and the home wouldn't be tense and horrible.

I think i am!! 😂 we also have a child with additional needs so i get that. And yes im more social , dh is getting grumpier the older he gets. We dont even seem to like the same things on tv anymore.
But we stilllove each other and if our lives ever get easier I hope we can find some of what we had back

No. You are definitely not the only one.

Yes or I'd not be with him. My parents "stayed together for the sake of the children". So not only did I get the gift of a miserable childhood, I was expected to be grateful for it too.

No.

Haha, spookily similar!

It’s nice to know there’s others in the same boat - the narrative is often that you should just jump ship if you’re unhappy, but sometimes it’s not that clear cut and there are lots of reasons to stay as well as leave! It’s a fine line between not staying for the sake of it/ accepting an unhappy marriage vs thinking the grass is always greener / expecting too much.

I think relationship counselling would help as we definitely need to work on our communication - but he’s so private it’d be like pulling teeth!

Anyway, here’s hoping both of us manage to find our way through - good luck ❣️