How to handle Christmas with split parents and a long-term partner?

[orchid1384]

I’d really appreciate some advice on how others handle Christmas, or how you’d approach this if you were in my position.

Context
I’m in my late 20s and in a long-term relationship (8 years). We’ve always spent Christmas apart — partly because we were young at the start, and partly in recent years because it felt like the easiest way to keep everyone happy.

At the moment, we don’t have a place of our own as we’re travelling full-time and just come back occasionally to see family. Hopefully by next Christmas, or definitely the one after, we’ll have our own place — which might change things. That said, we may end up living a few hours away from both our families, which feels like it could complicate things even more.

My family situation
I’m an only child and my parents split when I was 17, so Christmas has looked different every year since. Usually, I spend Christmas Day with my mum, and Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with my dad. We’re not close to extended family, so in recent years it’s often just been me and my mum on Christmas Day. It can be quite lonely, but I’ve got used to it.

My dad has been with his partner a few years who has a large family, so he usually has a full and busy Christmas. Where as my mum lives alone. She’s close to one of my aunties but sometimes feels like she’s intruding if my auntie is with her own kids.

This year
This year, my partner and I will be spending Christmas separately again, mainly for ease. My mum and I are going to my aunt and uncle’s, which will be a change from it being just the two of us. My dad is away this year, which made that decision easier.

The dilemma
I’m trying to work out how we transition into my partner and I spending Christmas together from next year onwards.

I find it really difficult navigating Christmas with split parents, especially knowing that my mum is often on her own. I feel guilty if I don’t spend Christmas Day with her, but I also feel guilty that I haven’t spent Christmas Day with my dad in a long time.

My boyfriend is very easy-going. He loves spending Christmas with his family, but I know he’d be happy to change things if I asked. That said, I feel guilty asking him to miss out on a busy, traditional family Christmas (parents together, grandparents, siblings) just to come and spend the day with me and my mum alone. If anything, that would feel like more pressure — at least with me and my mum we just sit and watch films all day.

I’d also love to start sharing Christmas with his family too, but that adds another layer to an already complicated situation.

Looking ahead
Long-term, I know we’ll need to start splitting Christmas in some way but I’m struggling with:

• How to do that fairly
• How to manage the guilt around leaving my mum on her own/what are the solutions
• How others with split families make this work

If anyone has been in a similar situation or has advice, I’d love to hear how you navigate it x

I have a similar set up (only child divorced parents) and most of the time I host as thats easiest and everyone comes to me. Means they can also leave when they've had enough!

My DS's GF has split parents. They've been together 10 years odd.

One year they go to her mum's. Next year they go to her dad's. I get a Christmas every third year because I live alone and wait for them to come to me. I don't bother celebrating or putting up decorations the two years they're not here, just the third Christmas when they visit.

What happens if you have children?

I'd stay home and invite people.

It's always tricky to fit everyone in when you have separated parents and your partner's family to consider, too.

Do all the parents (yours and his) live close to each other? If so, that makes it slightly easier.

My parents separated when I was very young and didn't live very close to each other so I would alternate Christmases. They both remarried and had another child (so I have a half-sibling on both sides, as well as step-siblings) so neither was alone. However, my mum and stepdad divorced, and then my half-sibling had to split her Christmas Day too, so my mum was sometimes on her own. Not completely, as she did see extended family and friends. We did feel a bit guilty and sad for her when we couldn't be with her at Christmas, but she always said she wanted us to enjoy our Christmas Day wherever we were. What's really helped is not to get too fixated on the day itself, and think of the whole Christmas period rather than just the 25th - we always see each other to exchange gifts and share a lovely meal, and that's "our" Christmas, whatever day it is.

We used to see my DH's parents too (in another country!) and that was really tricky, to fit in 3 families... I can't even remember how we did it, I think we spent Christmas Day with each family every 3 years, although there was one year that PILs came to us, and we managed to see two sets together. I think my dad & step-mum included PILs one year. It does help if the in-laws are willing to include each other - would your boyfriend ask his parents if they would consider inviting both you and your mum?

We don't see PILs any more - long and painful story but the silver lining is that Christmas logistics are slightly easier now. I have gone back to alternating Christmases, like I did when I was a child! And my mum has a partner now (after many years of being on her own) which is definitely a relief for me and my half-sibling.

Sorry to hear that. I wonder if they would consider hosting and inviting both you and one of her parents? That's what I'd do in their position.

I wouldn't worry about your Dad, he sounds like he's having a lovely, busy Christmas as it is and it's probably nice for him to see you on Christmas Eve or Boxing day when things are a bit quieter anyway.

I would try and include your Mum in whatever you're doing. Do you think your DP's family would be open to your Mum joining them too? That seems the easiest option to include everyone and have a 'big' Christmas if that's what you want.

I feel so cross for you! Your parents are behaving really badly. They should be telling you to spend Christmas with your partner. Your mum is perfectly capable of spending Christmas with her family while you spend time with who you choose. Without guilt! This year would be the perfect year to do it… your dad is away, your mum can be with uncles/aunt while you go and do what you want. My DD is an only child and I’m on my own, I’d Never put her in the position your parents are putting you in!

I’d say the fairest way is alternate years one with his family, one with yours and you alternate between your mum and your dad.

If relationship are amicable between your mum and dad maybe she could come too if invited and as others have said maybe your boyfriend’s family wouldn’t mind hosting your mum either.

This is so sad! Why can’t you come with them to either of her parents? Or they should host! I couldn’t leave my mum on her own all the time - I’m so sorry!

Not every family celebration is a big event. A gathering does not need to be large to be worthy. Watching movies with your mother is just as valuable as a house packed with people.

As you get older and especially if you choose to become parents, the reality is that you may not be able to see everyone every year.

My family is far flung. It just isn’t possible to see everyone. We take turns and prioritize a relaxed experience over spending time rushing from place to place.

Your parents have to take some responsibility for themselves.

I actually think given that your aunt and uncle are hosting this year, you know your mum won’t be alone and so you could spend it with your partner. Start as you mean to go on.

your post uses the word guilt a lot. What do you want?