To have expected to have spent the whole time together

[AntoinetteNoCake]

I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here.

My partner and I saw each other for one weekend in 3 weeks (this weekend). He went out to do some exercise for one of the afternoons.

I’m not well (lingering chest infection- part of why we haven’t seen each other- I didn’t want to risk passing anything on. We live several hours apart aswell ) and have got lots of emotional stuff going on (bereavement, Mum just diagnosed with dementia and breast cancer, seeing the consultant today to discuss what, if any, treatment)

He says I should want him to exercise and be healthy. Which of course I do! But I feel like 2 days in 3 weeks isn’t much and he could do the exercise any time. He says that’s not true because he’s busy with work.

I’m pretty low and in need of support but I’m aware that I do overrreact sometimes. I don’t know if this is one of those times and I’m just being needy.

How long did he spend out exercising? A bit of a run or a quick bike ride seems reasonable? A long marathon training run or a 100 mile bike ride, less so.

Like the pp said, it depends on how long for.
I wouldn't mind if it was an hour, exercise is good for mood and it sounds like it's important to him.
Maybe you could have a relaxing bath/read/rest while he's doing that so you spend the rest of the day together.

For those that regularly exercise, having to miss it can mean you are left frustrated and with pent up energy and the need to burn it.
I get that you are unwell and have a lot going on, but I wouldn’t expect someone to miss their regular workout if I was too unwell to join them. Is he just supposed to sit/mooch around, or did you have plans for something that you wanted to do?

You’re unwell, have lots of emotional stuff going on, feel low, want support. I suspect he needed to get away from the low atmosphere for a bit for his own sanity, and exercise is a great way to boost mood so that you can be in a better headspace and more able to focus when you return. Both of you cooped up being down and talking and thinking about miserable stuff for an entire weekend would be stifling.

A whole afternoon is unreasonable.

If he isn’t excited to see you then I would dump him.

How long did he exercise for ? Was it a quick half hour run or 3 hour gym session?

Really sorry about everything you're going through.

As others have said, it depends how long. If he went for a quick run then I wouldn’t find an issue with that. For people who exercise (like me) skipping it makes you feel really ratty and horrid. YANBU if it was a full blown marathon though.

It was a few hours. From 2 till about 4.30. I went home at 5.30. Ordinarily we’d exercise together yes. We hadn’t spent the whole weekend being miserable, I accompanied him to his works party on Friday night, went shopping with him on Saturday- things he wanted to do. I wasn’t going on about anything and I haven’t burdened him with the stuff about my mum, I’m pretty mindful about not being like that. He knows I’m ill because it’s obvious I was ill, he asked me to come over to go to the party and said he take care of me the rest of the time. Which was nice as I’d been on my own feeling rotten for a week and a half prior!

I see the general consensus is that it’s fine though so I guess I’ll take that on board. Thanks all 😊

I do support physical exercise aswell. He didn’t do any for 2/3 months, I noticed this and bought him a specialised piece of equipment to encourage him to start again, which he finally did this week. I guess I just would have liked him to have pushed it back to later in the day or done it the next morning or something.

Well if you left at 1730 I see no reason why he couldn't have exercised then. This is from someone who wouldn't want to not exercise at all over the weekend and if you weren't leaving at 1730 wouldn't have thought what he did to be unreasonable but there's no reason why he couldn't do it later

I think if someine has an excercise routine it is better to support them to do it. My DH is unhealthy and had a heart attack and my gealth is going downhill atm. I wish we had prioritised healthy habits over anything else. My happiest friends prioritise their excercise and health over absolutely anything and tbh I do think that it should be number one. Trying to get there myself right now but its hard.

Well yes I do support physical exercise but there isn’t a routine at the moment - he hasn’t done any for about 3 months hence why I bought him the equipment to encourage it (aswell as providing various health supplements etc - I’m a bit of a health freak so include him in whatever I’m doing)

I just didn’t expect him to suddenly prioritise it right at that moment!

I’m sorry to hear that your husband had the heart attack - how is he doing now? It sounds like it’s really brought to your awareness the importance of taking care of yourself. As hard as it can be to get going, just implement small changes and layer them up - too much can be overwhelming! Make a plan and just add bits in every few days maybe? Chat GPT can be great for planning stuff, I’ve used it quite a bit to structure exercise sessions / food plans etc. Wishing you good luck with it all

Sounds needy if you’ve been to his works party and spent time shopping.

Sounds a bit needy of you if hes spent two
days solid with you. Sorry op.

I think I would find it poor form to go out for 2.5 hours, which is a long time for exercise, when you were leaving at 17:30, unless there was a particular reason he couldn't go out after that. If you'd said 45 mins to an hour I would feel differently (as per my first post).

Is it possible he thought you'd like to see him being active and exercising given that you've been encouraging him and bought him the supplements and equipment?

I think when you're long distance time together is very important but it can also become quite intense. Really you want the real version of him rather than just a romanticised snapshot version so I think it's important to keep routine and normality within long distance relationships because that's what it would be like if you were together. If I was spending time with a long distance partner I'd want to see that they were fine with me taking time to myself and prioritising my hobbies and interests.

I’d be really put off if I wasn’t allowed to exercise just because my partner was visiting.

Was the exercise an outdoor one like running or cycling? I assume so as he had to go out for it (unless he was going to a gym or something). One of the frustrations of doing outdoor exercise in the winter is how little daylight you have to do it - it's likely he can't exercise as comfortably after work and a weekend daytime is about the only time left.

Two-and-a-half hours isn't that long either.

If you normally exercise together I'm sensing you might have been unhappy about having to be stuck inside ill while he was able to exercise, which I totally get but at the same time it doesn't mean he has to forgo exercise! Get well soon.

This has been helpful and has really encouraged me to reflect.

I think a big issue is that we had only these 2 days to see each other in a 3 week period. If we had seen each other more, I wouldn’t have placed such importance on this chunk of time

Against my better judgment I went to the party (even though I knew I wasn’t up to it) because I knew he wanted me to. I sat there all evening making conversation with his colleagues while he bobbed around chatting. We were there until gone midnight which exhausted me. The same with going shopping, I wasn’t up to it but went because he wanted me to and I didn’t want him to have a crap weekend and ordinarily of course I’m happy to do these things. I obviously had an expectation that in return he’d give me some nurture on the last day and then was disappointed

I suppose I felt like I made effort to fulfil his needs and that didn’t feel reciprocated. In retrospect, I should have communicated my expectations better although in my defence, I didn’t know I’d still feel so under the weather.

it’s all a learning curve isn’t it.

Had you planned to leave at 5:30?

I would have no issues with him going out for a couple of hours but I would bd a bit miffed if it was just before I went home.

If you had planned to leave at 5:30 and he did something that could be delayed, they yes I would be upset by it.

If you hadn’t planned to leave at 5:30 or it was something that couldn’t be moved until later on, then I’d be less upset by it.

I can see both sides tbh.

On the one hand, it was only a couple of hours and if you'd been together from Friday night until Sunday at 2:30pm, that's a good chunk of time together.

On the other hand, you haven't seen each other for a while and didn't feel well. He could have pushed his exercise back a couple of hours and done something with you.

In conclusion, I don't think YABU to be a bit let down, but I don't think he's really been unreasonable either.

If he can't make the effort to support you during difficult times & health issues, I'd be withdrawing from that arrangement completely.

If you weren’t well you should have stayed at home.

In retrospect yes I should have stayed at home. I think we have different ideas about what ‘come to my house for the weekend and let me look after you’ actually means!