To have expected to have spent the whole time together

[AntoinetteNoCake]

I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here.

My partner and I saw each other for one weekend in 3 weeks (this weekend). He went out to do some exercise for one of the afternoons.

I’m not well (lingering chest infection- part of why we haven’t seen each other- I didn’t want to risk passing anything on. We live several hours apart aswell ) and have got lots of emotional stuff going on (bereavement, Mum just diagnosed with dementia and breast cancer, seeing the consultant today to discuss what, if any, treatment)

He says I should want him to exercise and be healthy. Which of course I do! But I feel like 2 days in 3 weeks isn’t much and he could do the exercise any time. He says that’s not true because he’s busy with work.

I’m pretty low and in need of support but I’m aware that I do overrreact sometimes. I don’t know if this is one of those times and I’m just being needy.

I agree with this. I also don't think you have to be joined at the hip and don't see an issue with someone doing something for a short time on the weekend when you're visiting each other. But in this case there was no need for him to fuck off for 2.5 hrs to exercise because he could have gone when you went home at 17.30. Also, you spent the whole weekend doing the things he wanted to do when you weren't well.
He's selfish and only thinks about himself.

I'd have a think about previous weekends and whether it's a similar pattern with you just being dragged along to things he wants to do or whether you genuinely decide on things you want to do together. Basically was this weekend the exception or the norm?

But as an adult, OP should be capable of saying "no, I don't feel up to that, can we do X instead".

If I said to DH "let's go and do X" and he didn't object, I would assume was fine with it.

Depends what it is -its a lot safer, warmer and often just generally more enjoyable going for a run or bike ride while it's still light outside, for example.

But if he was going to the gym yeah I'd be a bit annoyed he couldn't have gone after you'd left.

Sounds like you’re doing most of the heavy lifting. Why is it almost always you doing the travelling?

Given he knew you were unwell, dragging you to work drinks and then shopping (for him) the next day hardly seems like “looking after you”. Is this an accurate reflection of how things usually are or more of a one-off?

Is there a reason why you're being seen as more 'portable? Like kids or similar that ties him to where he lives moreso than your commitments where you live? Or is this a mindset where you are more open to being flexible than he is and he's leaning on that? What is the long term plan here, are you overall aiming to move to where he is? If there's no good reason for it then no wonder you feel insecure and a bit rejected because he's doing things so much on his own terms if this is the norm.

We’ve been together for 2 years, both in our 40’s. I’m more portable because all 3 of my children are young adults while he has one young adult and one is 16. He is a full time dad which was not the situation when we first got together, it’s evolved and means that he’s not able/comfortable to be away from home as much. Which I do understand. He’s a good guy, brilliant Dad, great friend/brother/son. Kind, compassionate. Very selfless, works incredibly hard in a helping role which I really admire. It just seems that he has a hard time prioritising things and especially my needs at times, he’s always been very boundaried and inflexible and unwilling to change anything to suit me. Which I don’t expect all the time of course, but there have been a couple of times when I’ve really needed him (eg think major bereavement) and he’s prioritised doing something quite insignificant (to me. Giving kid aged 15 a lift to somewhere that was 10 minutes from where his Mum, who drives, was. Kid could have walked at a push or got a lift from someone else) over supporting me in the way I wanted him to. Which is not to say no support at all, but very boundaried in it when I don’t think he needed to be. That feeling of abandonment has never left me really. It felt like nobody had my back. Things like this remind me of it. It’s really a case of when somethings got to give, it’s always me. I’m supposed to be relocating and he desperately wants this. But I’m wary of making that commitment!

OP, you will always come last to the other priorities in this man’s life. Is that really the life you want?

He does prioritise things, all the time. It’s just never you. You would be an idiot to move to him, an actual idiot. If you’re seriously thinking about it, look in the mirror, and say you idiot, changing your life so you can be even unhappier with this man who doesn’t love or care for me.

just throw the whole man in the bin. Tell him he’s not relationship material and you are struggling to think of a single time he’s ever prioritised you, and you’ve realised how pathetic that is.

You deserve to come first, at least sometimes!

He says he does prioritise me, I just don’t always know it. Every time he is with me, he is prioritising me over something else that he could be doing. Which, yes, in theory, but….my goodness. It’s difficult to get anywhere with that conversation!

Every time he is with me, he is prioritising me over something else that he could be doing.

That's a shit way of describing spending time with the woman you love.

OP, I don't think he sounds great at all.
You would be a very very foolish woman to relocate for him.
I think your gut is warning you.
You are not his priority.
You do far too much slotting in.
Not a good look.
I think he sounds very selfish.
Your relationship is dependent on you taking your place in his life.
No way would I move to him.
Nor would I be travelling like you are.
You are doing far too much chasing.

Hes boundaried around you?
Give me a break. He's a selfish arse that suits himself.
Your self esteem is dangerously low that you think he is brilliant.
He's a selfish arse.

I can see we won't agree. My idea of being taken care of when I've been ill would be cups of tea, biscuits, and cuddles on the couch while watching Love Actually. Yes, I'm an adult but it's nice to have someone baby me a little when I feel bad.

Yes, imagine, he could literally be sitting on the sofa, examining his belly button fluff and eating a sharing bag of doritos on his own, but here he he is, spending time with you.

And they say romance is dead.

But as OP didn’t actually spell out what she wanted, I’m not sure it’s entirely fair to blame her partner for not reading her mind.

Lots of people hate being fussed over so what you describe would be a nightmare for them.

I guess I just feel that adults should use their words and speak up if they’re not happy - meekly going along with things and then complaining afterwards is just silly.

So you spent only Friday eve to Sunday lunchtime together in three weeks, and then he chose to spend Sun afternoon exercising when you were already leaving at 5.30? It’s a bit thoughtless to cut out a quarter of your time together when he could have exercised after you left. I don’t think I’d like it much. It says that single-mindedness and inflexibility might be character traits of his, and these can be good in some areas, like work and achievement of personal goals, but not necessarily so good for relationships. It’s a pity you couldn’t have gone for a romantic walk
together and then to a cosy pub, or some such, and then he could have exercised when you’d gone. Take it as information about character traits. Being single-minded and inflexible are not bad things, but have a think about whether those are traits you want in a romantic partner. If you want someone spontaneous and flexible, he may not be right. Also, sticking that rigidly to an exercise routine when he could easily have done it just a bit later, early evening instead of taking up your last afternoon, doesn’t sound like the actions of a fun person, tbh. He’s not wrong, he just might not be right for YOU.

My god.
To have that in your head when with someone - that you should keep in mind he could be doing something else !! and be grateful

Look OP, there's no right or wrong way to 'do' a relationship. But the important thing is that the 'needy ness' level matches up.

Two low need level people will have a great relationship seeing each other when and if, and always bare in mind the other has loads of equally important things going on.

Two high need people will have a great relationship living in each others pockets and gazing into each others eyes for hours.

And then everything in between.

None of it's right or wrong as long as both parties are happy. But you don't sound happy OP. Don't move to be nearer him 💐

My bullshitometer just exploded, now I’m going to have to get a new one <sadface>
hes not prioritising you when you travel to him and you go to his work thing and you do what he wants to do even though you’re unwell and then he fucks off. ‘I’ll look after you’ was just more bullshit words he didn’t mean, look at what he does.

Actuallydon’t bother just tell him to fuck off and prioritise someone else then if that’s what prioritising you looks like then you’ve had quite enough of it and you want to find a man who cares what you think and feel.