To have expected to have spent the whole time together

[AntoinetteNoCake]

I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here.

My partner and I saw each other for one weekend in 3 weeks (this weekend). He went out to do some exercise for one of the afternoons.

I’m not well (lingering chest infection- part of why we haven’t seen each other- I didn’t want to risk passing anything on. We live several hours apart aswell ) and have got lots of emotional stuff going on (bereavement, Mum just diagnosed with dementia and breast cancer, seeing the consultant today to discuss what, if any, treatment)

He says I should want him to exercise and be healthy. Which of course I do! But I feel like 2 days in 3 weeks isn’t much and he could do the exercise any time. He says that’s not true because he’s busy with work.

I’m pretty low and in need of support but I’m aware that I do overrreact sometimes. I don’t know if this is one of those times and I’m just being needy.

How didn’t he support her?

I think that's quite crap on his part with those timings, he could have done it after you had left instead of leaving you hanging about like a spare part for that long just before you were due to go home. I'd be annoyed too and would make sure he makes the effort to travel to you next time.

The whole thing is very odd to me but then I can’t stand the idea of being “looked after” and fussed over - I just want to be left alone when I’m sick.

Maybe he thought you’d appreciate a bit of peace and quiet after a busy two days.

Again I can see both sides, if I was with a serious partner I'd want them to be able to hold their own when socialising with my friends or colleagues. It sounds like you were exhausted by the end of the weekend and needed a rest so if it were me I'd have encouraged him to go out for those couple of hours and taken the opportunity to have a nap in his bed and chill for a bit. But really this comes down to rejection a bit doesn't it? You had different expectations from the weekend and he didn't live up to that and now you feel a bit let down and rejected by him as a result. I can see why you've reacted that way (and I've felt and done the same in a past ldr where I felt insecure in the relationship in general). So I think what you need to consider is if the relationship meets your needs and you need to be able to have an open conversation with him about what each of your expectations are of the weekends when you are together. Is he seeing it as you slotting into his life so you get a genuine flavour for it and because he feels very secure with you so doesn't need to be with you 100% of the time (because that's not what serious relationships look like long term) or is it that he finds the full weekends intense? Do either of you put a bit of unnecessary pressure on those weekends to be extra great quality time?

These are all questions you need to be able to tease out together.

It does sound as though everything was on his terms and that you pushed yourself, despite not feeling well, to do the things that he wanted you to do, yet he couldn't make the same effort and spend the last afternoon with you.

You might want to look at whether this is a recurring pattern of behaviour on his part. Are you the one who makes more effort in this relationship with little reciprocal effort and support from him, if so then you might want to reconsider this relationship.

Hm he sounds even worse from your update honestly - he's been quite self-absorbed and thoughtless all weekend. But you probably need to prioritise and vocalise your own needs more too. Maybe try being completely direct and blunt about what you want from him next time and see if he can step up.

I definitely regret some of my "polite and accommodating girlfriend" decisions - they don't tend to result in a well-trained partner who knows what you want from him!

Typically I’ll travel to him a couple of nights a week and he’ll come to me maybe once a fortnight for the night. We never get a full weekend together because of other commitments. So we don’t necessarily have intense full weekends per se. We do socialise with his friends a lot but these colleagues it’s my first time meeting them. There is definitely a sense of me slotting into his life, the expectation has always been that I’m the more ‘portable’ one

No, that's weird. He could have done the exercise any other time, evening etc.. My relationship started off as LD (2.5 hrs apart) and we had a rule to see each other a minimum of every 3 weeks and we would dedicate the whole 2 days to one another.

I can see the need to exercise during day light and evening exercise isn’t for everyone. But it is probably part of a bigger picture with the relationship being on his terms and a bit take it or leave it.

Maybe that’s what you don’t like and this weekend has just brought it all to a head.

If he’d dedicated the rest of the time to you, the couple of hours exercising probably wouldn’t have mattered as much.

Personally if I was in a relationship where I didn’t live with my partner I wouldn’t be travelling several hours just to attend a work do with them - sounds utterly dull and a total waste of an evening.

Sorry you're having a hard time. In the circumstances I do think he could have made more time for you, personally.

I think it's fine that he left for a bit to work out, but being gone for two and a half hours and only returning an hour before you had to leave isn't great. I can see the argument if he was, say, going running and couldn't leave it later because it would be dark, but if it was an indoor activity like in a gym I think he should have waited until you left. Also "busy working" may be a sign of his priorities, depending on his job - if he works 40+ hours every week and he sees you for 48 hours every three weeks, why not carve two and half hours for a workout out of his total work time rather than out of your weekend?

... he asked me to come over to go to the party and said he take care of me the rest of the time. Which was nice as I’d been on my own feeling rotten for a week and a half prior! This puts things in a slightly different light ... like you went along with what he wanted but then during the time that was supposed to be focused on you he also did what he wanted (shopping trip, workout). He says I should want him to exercise and be healthy sounds a little manipulative to me (dodges the issue of your wanting to spend more time with him before you had to leave and possibly his not spending the time the way he'd led you to believe he would and instead reframes your objection in a way that makes you seem unreasonable and is possibly designed to make you doubt your judgement/feel hesitant to express your needs). But only you know if it feels that way in the context of your relationship and the whole conversation. I'd say trust your gut re whether your needs and wants are given equal weight vs his in the relationship, rather than necessarily focusing on this one incident.

He sounds totally selfish. You are ill and made the effort to travel to see him anyway.
He slotted you into his schedule and dragged you about like a handbag all weekend, totally ignorant of your feelings.
Then he prioritised an endorphin rush over your last few hours together, because you weren't well enough to comply with what he wanted, he left you.

I wouldn't make the effort to visit him again after that, and I would dump him to be honest. I can't understand other posters telling you you deserve to be ignored all weekend then the gym prioritised over you, that isn't a good relationship.

He sounds a bit selfish if im honest

Yeah that's a bit crap considering how infrequently you see each other. Unless he's training for something or whatever was it really crucial to exercise right then?

I think this gives you a helpful insight into how caring/nurturing he naturally is (ie not very!) I imagine that if you’d felt really looked after all weekend (eg “you’re looking tired, let’s skip the shopping”) you would have less of a problem with his absence. I think sometimes men don’t just notice and you have to spell it out that you need care, instead of bravely soldiering on. Next time you could try asking a bit more and see if he is responsive to that. If he isn’t I’d worry that perhaps he’s just a bit selfish.

So it wasn’t exercising at somewhere that closes at 5pm or a thing that can’t be done at all in the dark? Just something he could have done on this “piece of equipment” any time after you left at 5.30pm? Yeah, I’d not be impressed with him tbf.

YABU. A couple of hours over a weekend? You sound a bit needy and demanding.

You don't have to be joined at the hip but you're unwell, you went to his, you went to his work do (which he wanted to do), you trekked around the shops with him (which he wanted to do), and then 3 1/2 hours befors you went home, he fucked off for 2 1/2 hours to exercise on his own (which he wanted to do, and you couldn't, because you're unwell). He did precisely what he wanted all weekend then, didn't he? Doesn't sound great.

Everything is on his terms, it seems to me. I would get rid, personally. Given that you don't see each other much, he should want to be with you when you are together. Also, as others have said, another selfish man.

If you're not well you shouldn't have expected to see him at all - why risk passing it on?

Oh run now. I had one like this, also long distance and if it was not on his terms it did not happen and that was with everything in the end. Started off like this and just snowballed until either it was his way or the highway and I am so so glad I took the highway. Literally.

In and of itself I couldn't get worked up about him going out to exercise; I don't really understand why it's so important that you must spend three hours plus together before parting rather than just one. Having said that he does sound a bit selfish, but I wouldn't jump straight to 'LEAVE HIM' as is being suggested. He might just be oblivious to the fact that the weekend wasn't all you wanted it to be. So there's no need for deep soul-searching yet, the first to do is to tell him, in the moment, that he's being a bit of an arse, rather than telling MN after the event.

Hmmmm.
How long have you been together OP?

I ask because i'm trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine how i'd have felt if DH had behaved that way when we were still at the not-living-together stage.

Honestly - that stage for us was 2 years long - we would have spent 90% of the time in bed together and fuck work parties or exercise routines! When he or i were ill we'd cuddle up together and watch tv with hot drinks.

We are all different - but with the above in mind you don't seem cherished by him in my opinion. I think he behaved as if his life went on as usual and you happened to be there too.

💐💐💐💐

He sounds a bit self centred to me. You went to visit him even though you weren't feeling great, you made the effort to socialise with his work friends...and in return, he drags you around shopping, and leaves you on your own for 2.4 hours just before you go home, then accuses you of not supporting his exercise when you question it? Unless he did something amazing for you in between these times (breakfast in bed, made you home made healing comfort food, downloaded your favourite film to watch etc) it very much sounds to me like he carries on doing everything he wants and you put yourself out for him but he doesn't reciprocate. Sorry OP