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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected to have spent the whole time together

93 replies

AntoinetteNoCake · 08/12/2025 10:14

I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here.

My partner and I saw each other for one weekend in 3 weeks (this weekend). He went out to do some exercise for one of the afternoons.

I’m not well (lingering chest infection- part of why we haven’t seen each other- I didn’t want to risk passing anything on. We live several hours apart aswell ) and have got lots of emotional stuff going on (bereavement, Mum just diagnosed with dementia and breast cancer, seeing the consultant today to discuss what, if any, treatment)

He says I should want him to exercise and be healthy. Which of course I do! But I feel like 2 days in 3 weeks isn’t much and he could do the exercise any time. He says that’s not true because he’s busy with work.

I’m pretty low and in need of support but I’m aware that I do overrreact sometimes. I don’t know if this is one of those times and I’m just being needy.

OP posts:
SparkleSpriteDust · 08/12/2025 12:20

ParmaVioletTea · 08/12/2025 12:10

YABU. A couple of hours over a weekend? You sound a bit needy and demanding.

Long distance relationship, they only see one another every 3 weeks for a weekend...

EstherGreenwood63 · 08/12/2025 12:22

He doesn't seem that into you. I would be reassessing this relationship. Hope you feel better soon. You were not expecting too much at all. Ignore those with low bars.

zoemum2006 · 08/12/2025 12:22

TBH I don't think it matters what we think: it matters what you want.

If he isn't meeting your needs then what's the point of a relationship? (same as if you weren't meeting his needs).

Are you happy for this to be a super casual thing then shrugs no biggie but if you want more I'd tell him that you'd like to feel a bit more prioritized next time.

If he's not ok with that then that's the end of things. Probably better neither of you are wasting your time.

janiejonstone · 08/12/2025 12:29

Can I gently ask who has told you that you tend to overreact? As someone who has just divorced a man of extreme selfishness, the weekend you've described is one where your partner made no adjustments to his plans at all despite you being unwell. It's not really a question of what's "reasonable", OP. It's a question of what you need and want out of a supportive and loving relationship, and whether this person is providing that or not.

rainbowstardrops · 08/12/2025 12:40

Did he know you’d be leaving at 5.30pm? If he did, that is definitely shit of him.
Also, how come you travel to him a couple of times a week and yet he only travels to you once a fortnight?
You went to his work do and went shopping because he wanted you to, even though you probably didn’t feel well enough, so it doesn’t sound as if it’s a very balanced relationship to me.
Just out of interest, how old are you both and how long have you been ‘together’?

SheThinksShesAllThat · 08/12/2025 12:43

Ineffable23 · 08/12/2025 10:18

How long did he spend out exercising? A bit of a run or a quick bike ride seems reasonable? A long marathon training run or a 100 mile bike ride, less so.

This? - exercise Is good for mental health!
By the sounds of it you both need it.
hopefully him going to exercise meant he was in a better frame of mind to have some nice quality time with you? Was this the case.

InMyOodie · 08/12/2025 12:43

It doesn't sound like you get much from the relationship.

Yamahahaha · 08/12/2025 12:44

AntoinetteNoCake · 08/12/2025 10:32

It was a few hours. From 2 till about 4.30. I went home at 5.30. Ordinarily we’d exercise together yes. We hadn’t spent the whole weekend being miserable, I accompanied him to his works party on Friday night, went shopping with him on Saturday- things he wanted to do. I wasn’t going on about anything and I haven’t burdened him with the stuff about my mum, I’m pretty mindful about not being like that. He knows I’m ill because it’s obvious I was ill, he asked me to come over to go to the party and said he take care of me the rest of the time. Which was nice as I’d been on my own feeling rotten for a week and a half prior!

I see the general consensus is that it’s fine though so I guess I’ll take that on board. Thanks all 😊

If I hadn't seen my partner for three weeks and I had from 5.30 until whenever the gym closed on Sunday I would exercise after they left, not before. Assuming I liked my partner, of course.

CoralOP · 08/12/2025 12:50

I'm shocked at people saying he was being unreasonable.
If I've been with my husband Friday night, Saturday then by Sunday morning I'll be running out the door for a bit space and fresh air.
Being there for someone isn't being physically attached to them the whole time all weekend, that's not what a healthy relationship is at all.
2.5 hours out of 48+ is perfectly reasonable even in sad times, we all need to have some time to ourselves.

I'm pretty sure if someone came on here and said their partners came for the weekend and didn't want them to be apart the whole time which included missing exercise routines then all the ladies would have a lot to say about that.

Americano75 · 08/12/2025 12:55

It does all sound very one sided to me, with you putting in all the effort. You've got such a lot going on.

PInkyStarfish · 08/12/2025 12:58

Ridiculous to expect him to babysit you the whole weekend. Being clingy is a massive negative in a relationship.

99bottlesofkombucha · 08/12/2025 13:02

AntoinetteNoCake · 08/12/2025 11:41

Typically I’ll travel to him a couple of nights a week and he’ll come to me maybe once a fortnight for the night. We never get a full weekend together because of other commitments. So we don’t necessarily have intense full weekends per se. We do socialise with his friends a lot but these colleagues it’s my first time meeting them. There is definitely a sense of me slotting into his life, the expectation has always been that I’m the more ‘portable’ one

Show quote history

Has he ever actually prioritised you op, at a time it wasn’t super convenient for him? Watch out for a one sided relationship.

splendidpickle · 08/12/2025 13:05

PInkyStarfish · 08/12/2025 12:58

Ridiculous to expect him to babysit you the whole weekend. Being clingy is a massive negative in a relationship.

It's somewhat crazy that expecting a tiny portion of the weekend to be spent doing something either of her choice or benefit is seen as needy. Whereas him wanting his partner to go to his Christmas party even when she's ill is totally breezy and fine...

Op, why are you being so careful not to "burden" him with your problems right now? It seems like you're having a pretty crap time of things, if you can't even share your feelings and worries that seems like a bad sign. Is he normally like this?

Senso · 08/12/2025 13:21

What’s good about the relationship OP? It sounds pretty draining to me. You seem to be doing all the hard lifting whilst he does just enough to keep you hooked.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/12/2025 13:24

If he does it every other day, then it is part of his routine. I don't see the problem.

YeahChangedMyUsernameAgain · 08/12/2025 13:26

Coffeeandallthebooks · 08/12/2025 12:00

He sounds totally selfish. You are ill and made the effort to travel to see him anyway.
He slotted you into his schedule and dragged you about like a handbag all weekend, totally ignorant of your feelings.
Then he prioritised an endorphin rush over your last few hours together, because you weren't well enough to comply with what he wanted, he left you.

I wouldn't make the effort to visit him again after that, and I would dump him to be honest. I can't understand other posters telling you you deserve to be ignored all weekend then the gym prioritised over you, that isn't a good relationship.

Absolutely this. You don't sound needy at all but neglected!

What are you getting out of this relationship OP?

Northerngirl821 · 08/12/2025 13:30

Did you tell him that you’d prefer him not to go?

If you had bought him exercise equipment, he might have thought he was doing a good thing by showing you that your gift wasn’t being wasted.

I think you need to communicate better rather than expect him to magically understand what you want and how his behaviour will make you feel.

Franjipanl8r · 08/12/2025 13:45

2.5 hours to catch the last bit of daylight for some exercise over a whole weekend is nothing. Loads of people (like me) absolutely need a minimum amount of fresh air and exercise for their mental health. I’d be pissed off if a partner tried to deny me that.

McGregor33 · 08/12/2025 13:48

Wrong post so edited lol!!

YellowGuido · 08/12/2025 13:59

If he’d promised to look after you after you having pushed yourself to accommodate his wants for the previous two days (plus the fact that you’d travelled to see him, rather than vice versa), then reneged on that by buggering off for a good chunk of the afternoon, I’d say that’s piss poor…

cambiotica · 08/12/2025 14:07

the expectation has always been that I’m the more ‘portable’ one

Does seem a little too much in his favour. If his exercise didn't have to be done at that particular time e.g booked session, needing daylight then he could have done it later, after you'd left. I know you saw quite a bit of each other over the weekend but it sounds like he left you for a fair bit of the works do and you obliged him with the shopping trip so again, in his interests more. Relationships are give and take but only you know if he's a bit selfish or if you were expecting too much. How long have you been together?

Grammarnut · 08/12/2025 14:18

In what way are you partners? This seems like a casual relationship that happens every couple of weeks or so. Also you 'P' seems a bit self-centred saying you must want him to exercise. He has had 3 whole weeks to do that. Time to look at what is really going on?

MaplePumpkin · 08/12/2025 14:21

Your relationship all sounds a bit one sided. You’re going through a lot, and you’ve not been well. But this weekend you went to a party even though you “weren’t up to it” Just because he wanted you to. You stayed out late and were exhausted. Then the next morning you “went up To “ going shopping but still did because he wanted you to. Then he left you on your own so he could exercise for two and a half hours. I think it’s fine he wanted to exercise but he could’ve just done an hour surely, or waited until after you left (considering you went home an hour after he got in anyway).
To be honest, from the sounds of your post, I don’t think him going out exercising is the main issue. I may be wrong but it sounds like he just clicks his fingers and you do as he says, for fear of upsetting him.

Beachtastic · 08/12/2025 14:25

AntoinetteNoCake · 08/12/2025 11:28

In retrospect yes I should have stayed at home. I think we have different ideas about what ‘come to my house for the weekend and let me look after you’ actually means!

Hmmm that sounds a bit crap OP, to be honest. How is he otherwise in terms of "looking after" you as a host, e.g. getting food in etc?

Per your later post, if he sees your life as "more portable" I'd be worried that that translates as "less important". It's the little things that give this away. I was married to someone like this for many years and it wasn't much fun.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 08/12/2025 14:37

snoopythebeagle · 08/12/2025 11:28

How didn’t he support her?

Show quote history

He said 'come to my house for the weekend and let me look after you’ and then absolutely did not.