To tell them not to bother coming for Xmas?

[WantToHibernate]

We are doing Xmas dinner this year for my husbands family and my mum and brother. We have a mix of vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters so dinner menu will reflect this.

I’ve been vegan for 20 years and my daughter who is 17 has become vegan this year. My husband and other child eat meat.

My mother and brother have always disapproved of me being vegan. Over the years they’ve told me I’m wrong and will be ill. They also do stupid things like make animal noises when they eat meat which I just roll my eyes at. Now they’ve found out, whilst discussing Xmas dinner menus at our house this weekend, that my daughter has become vegan and they’ve responded as expected, telling her she’ll be ill, that she shouldn’t listen to me ‘brainwashing and bullying’ her, quizzing her on why she has become vegan, telling her she’s mad and no better than them. My daughter remained calm, said it was her decision, that I obviously haven’t bullied or brainwashed her, that she doesn’t think she’s any better than anyone else, she just wants to be vegan. When they continued were quiz her on why she has become a vegan, they called her a ‘typical preachy vegan’. She wasn’t preaching, she just answered their questions.

Things got heated as my mother started shouting. I told her that she doesn’t get to shout at my daughter in our house about this, and that if they both don’t stop the comments they can leave and not bother coming for Xmas. My brother said our mum can say what she likes and that I owed my mum an apology for saying that. My daughter left the room. My son told my mum and brother that they were out of line and went to check on my daughter. My mum and brother left.

My brother text later on to say that when they come on Xmas day they don’t want to be seated by me or my daughter. I’ve not responded as I wanted to cool down before I did, but my husband has said to just uninvited them because they’re arseholes and he’s not risking them upsetting our daughter on Xmas day. My daughter says she isn’t bothered and thinks they’re idiots.

If I uninvite them, I think that will probably be the end of my relationships with them but I think that is possibly for the best. There have been lots of problems with them over the years and I think we may be happier without them. They have had issues with other aspects of our life, choices we’ve made, my husbands family (who are all lovely) who they see as ‘snobby’, so the vegan issue is just another thing. They are ok is small doses. My other siblings have low or no contact with them and although I invited them to dinner too, they won’t come because our mother and brother are coming.

We are all entitled to voice our opinions
If you believe this then you should also realise that your victim has the right to tell you that your opinion is irrelevant. I never understand why when verbally attacked about their lifestyle or choices people engage their attacker in a discussion, even an attempt to justify, it's much easier to tell them it's none of their business then to ignore all their subsequent comments, it drives them mad that they can't provoke an argument.

You sound to have the food sorted for all vegans or not -and clearly you are making a huge effort to make it a good day for all.

Sadly, you just can't make everyone happy in this case.

In the end there was a clear choice - either your daughter or your mother.

Your daughter is yours to protect and she was not the one creating trouble - so you were absolutely right to choose her.

Ignore any attempt from mother/brother to 'get in' to your Christmas. Lock the gates - play the music - turn off the phones.

If they do threaten to spoil your day in any way (even just by appearing in your thoughts), just remember, you chose your daughter and look at how happy she is.

I really appreciate this quote. I stopped contact with my dad a year ago after he seemed unable to stop mocking me (and especially my weight) in front of my kids. I've wondered if I overreacted but this reinforces my decision.

Fine, they can go and sit in someone else’s house then. Someone who doesn’t mind a cf!

Good on you, seriously. Good on you xx

Yep just uninvite them

You handled that very well OP. I hope you have a lovely relaxed christmas day with your family and your in laws.

Christmas is a time for a happy family time..i would normally say please try incude your mum as you only have 1 but nah yours is horrible and you have a loving family and your siblings other than this brother so why stress with this brother and your Mum on this holiday..nah girl uninvited and go enjoy your time with people who will make you happy 🎄🎄🎅🎅

Hi brother and mother, don't worry you won't be sitting near me or DD on Christmas Day because you will be several miles away sitting at your own table

I wouldn't have my mam or brother treat my kids like that. I am very much a drama avoider so I would be avoiding that drama especially at Xmas and even more especially since the in-laws are coming. Its just embarrassing your mam and brother behaving like that. I dont have the time or the patience. I understand and wee laugh and a joke here and there but they are just ridiculous, even your daughter thinks they're idiots 🤦‍♀️

Have you read and understood anything that OP has said?

Uninvite. Sorry but your children should not be subject to this behavior. I understand that you want to keep in touch with your brother but to be honest he sounds toxic and clearly under your mother's control. It would also be hugely uncomfortable for your inlaws. Hopefully your other siblings might come instead.

Yeah, uninvite them. I eat vegan food; I also eat meat. I respect other people's lifestyle choices. I'll be honest, your mum sounds like the proverbial badger's arse! Shouting at your daughter in her own home? FFS.

Why would anyone relish such a feast day spent in the company of these Yahoos? The personal attacks by OP’s mother would surely just carry on anyway, but with added resentment.

You can change it, you just tap the other one and the tick will swap over.

Credit to you (despite having a judgemental mum) for raising children who make (supported) decision, answer (stupid) questions calmly, walk away for the shouting & then check on each other.
Enjoy your Christmas with them

Please show your children that you are not a doormat and you will protect the peace of your own family. You'll all have a much nicer day without the pair of ignorant pigs there.

Your brother's message is astonishingly rude. People like this will just not get it so I would be very, very clear in my reply.

"I'm surprised you are trying to dictate seating plans for Christmas Day in my home since I was very clear that if you and DM carried on you were no longer invited. Unfortunately, since you continued it is for the best that we do our separate things this year. I won't tolerate anyone shouting at and upsetting DD in her own home. Have a good Christmas, we'll drop off your presents on the 26th."

Then switch off your phone on Christmas Day and keep your gates locked.

Just tell them that you will be serving vegan food as well as meat at the Christmas lunch and you prefer them to visit after lunch is finished. Your dietary choices appear to upset them and you do not want arguments on Christmas Day, but would like them to participate with the family later.

They sound awful.

THEY AREN'T INVITED NOW!

Yes have a firm but polite word with them. Say that it’ll be too stresssful for them and yourselves as opinions on dietary differences may cause an argument. As an alternative, perhaps you might invite them around in the evening for snacks and drinks.

It’s your decision and why would you really want the additional aggro on such a busy day.

Tell them Christmas is cancelled or that everyone will be having a vegan meal on the day .

Protect yourself by wiring the gate the 240v supply telling them you have decided to spend Christmas with your MIL.

I think you've made the right decision. At least this way you know you'll likely have a nice Christmas.

It would have been one thing if they'd responded apologising, but to tell you where they'll be sitting at your table was ridiculous.

I agree with your husband.