Family drama

[Freddobar]

So today was meant to be a family day out into the city for some Christmas shopping, food and enjoy the Christmas lights. Date has been marked on the calendar for a month. Yesterday teen(13) got into a huff over school work he left till the last minute and Christmas exams starting next week.
So I got up early this morning as planned, woke teen and dh then went and made tea/breakfast. Teen got up with a face on him, moaning I woke him, didn't want what was made for breakfast(sausages, toast). Dh said nothing just ate his breakfast in silence. So I went got ready and walked out of the house, said nothing just left.
Went off shopping by myself, had a pretty shit day so went into my parents on the way home. Stayed for a couple of hours got a takeaway with them then went home. Got home around 8.30.
Had argument with dh as he told me I ruined the day out by storming out and sulking. That I should be prioritising teens schoolwork not waltzing around shops. (This attitude does not apply to football training or matches only when I want to do something) Not once today did I receive a phone call or text to see if I was alright or where I was.
Teen has form for kicking off when he doesn't want to do something and I end up giving in and not going/doing things. Unless it's football related he just doesn't care about anything else.
WIBU to just go on day out as planned even if I went alone? Awful atmosphere in the house now. Last time we did anything together as a family was last Christmas and that was going to nandos after a football match.

No one is suggesting you had to stay home. They are explicitly telling you that you could have handled things differently. You didn’t challenge your son’s behaviour. Instead you mirrored it.

Everyone can see you were trying to make a point or three. But you keep changing what that was in your own version of the events.

They both know you are annoyed but you have given them the perfect excuse to not acknowledge it and to turn things around on you.

I know it is completely disappointing when you facilitate everyone else in the house but they can't do a simple day out for you.
I don't think you were wrong to go on your own...but I would have said that I was leaving with or without them in 5 minutes.

If you don't want to go to all the football games, don't. Can you find someone else to take your DS to training occasionally?

Well done OP. Modelling self-determination and independence, both excellent skills for children to learn and especially for a boy to learn from his mum, women are people too. Chivvying reluctant companions is soul destroying.

Imagine the response if you emulated their behaviour when the planned event was football.

Well done I would have done exactly the same. Why the hell should they ruin a day that's been planned for so long. Bloody selfish behaviour, and ofcourse you are made to feel shit. Some of the replies on here 🙄.

So, no flounce on your part. Son and DH passively reneging on their agreement to a day of shopping. You get let down by them both, then you get to be the baddie when you come home

I'd be on strike from now until Jan, then.off to see a solicitor.

You are being pushed out of your own life by these two, then bulliedfor pushing back.

P. S. Stpp going to footie.

So the day would have involved three hours travelling as well!

Battling the crowds and queues round the shops in December is hardly "a day out", family or otherwise though. That's even before the OP added in the fact they have to drive 90mins each way to get there ! Plus of course an hour to get out of the car park at the end, that's if you manage to find a space in the first place.

If someone said "annual family day out" around Christmas, I'd be expecting a trip to the Panto or theatre for another show, or to go ice-skating, or to a Christmas light extravaganza then a meal out somewhere, not shopping ! The fact you've said "annual" day out, I'd choose something like a day trip to the seaside a million times over queuing up in over crowded shops.

So there was absolutely no reason for your dh to need to spend a day at the shops then...

I don't see what a teenager or anyone not wanting to spend a whole day traipsing round packed shops somewhere 90mins away during the busiest month of the year has to do with said teen doing his Christmas shopping for himself or not. Mine have all grown up managing to get presents for people without spending a day shopping in a big shopping centre in December with their mother.

Nor should a parent supporting their child, by taking them to their activity come with any expectation that the child then has to go somewhere with no appeal to them whatsoever just to accompany their mother. They are completely different scenarios.

A husband who appears to treat you like the housekeeper and maid.

Why are you making stuff up ?
Nowhere does the OP say that.

A boy being raised with the same expectations

Again, complete fantasy on your part.

Prioritising their hobby over family time you'll all three enjoy.

How do you get to this conclusion ?
A child / teen being part of a sports team is a good thing. For several reasons. Encouraging and supporting that as a parent is just good parenting.

But where on earth do you get the idea that a 13 year old would enjoy traveling 90mins to spend the day traipsing round hot, packed shops with his parents ? . I can only conclude you don't know any teenage boys.

At the very least, don't buy any presents on their behalf, and tell your miserable OH that it's on him from now on to shop for his side of the family.

If you'd read, at a minimum the OP's posts, you'd have saved yourself from looking silly here, as you'd know her dh has always done his own Christmas shopping, and also that he has completed his Christmas shopping.

I read the first post, then a later one where the OP elaborated on what " flouncing" actually involved and the (lack of) conversations around the emotions shecwas having.

Enough for me to form a picture of a family in which the H prioritises his hobbies over his wife, his parenting responsibilites, and, family time. And doesn't give AF about what she wants or keeping to agreements

And can't be arsed enough when.his wife disappears for the day to check in on her, and initiates a row when she returns. (Probably because she left him in change of Junior for the day and he had to parent him.)

The posts I missed have revealed additional detail, but the ones I read were enough for me to form the opinion that the OP is in a union where her husband doesn't care for her, and is modelling woman-as-utility behavior to his son.

So your DH copped on fairly early after you left that the project was in fact, finished. But then When you did get back, he had a go at you saying you should prioritise your son’s homework?

That is fucked up. And settings a very bad message to your DS.

you have a big DH problem.

I don't think shopping and football are a fair comparison and it's completely unfair to make it a tit for tat situation.

it's not tit-for-tat. He agreed to the family day, then renaged.

She agreed to take him to football then renages.

He learns that he isn't the only one who gets to fuck people around and maybe has a little think about not behaving like a twat.

That's the very definition of tit-for-tat. And it's making him miss exercise which has an intrinsically good point to it as revenge for missing a shopping trip. It would be entirely unreasonable.

If the son really didn’t want to go in the shopping trip, at what point would the OP been happy to accept this? Anyone who’s dealt with teens will know the feeble excuses that come out of the woodwork to avoid doing something, and once the homework card has been played, it’s difficult to negotiate further.

Shame the OP sees the football as I chore. I loved taking my kids to sports events, getting to know their friends and the parents and supporting their efforts.

FWIW, even my DD hates shopping. Online would be good in this instance.

you say tit-for-tat. I say teachable moment for a brat. YMMV

We will have to disagree clearly. I think that would make the OP the brat and the only teaching moment it would be is that shopping as a leisure activity which not doing lets down one other person is as important as exercise and not doing lets down an entire team. Not a lesson I'd want to impart.

I'm not driving you to town so you can go to the cinema with your mates to teach you a lesson because you couldn't be bothered coming to the city with me would be equivalent. Commitment to a team sport not at all equivalent.

So don't take him? Tell him you don't feel like it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Now that is petty.

well, you do you.

IME the immature teenage brain understands "tit-for-tat" very very well. So much so that it only took me to point out, once, to my teenager that if they didn't want to do things for me then i didn't have to go out of my way and rearrange my life to do things for them. So, don't want to help me sort washing? do your own then and it saves me a job. Don't want to help me do the weekly shop now and again? then you can get the bus to your friend's party (and where we live that is a big thing)

The world works on Quid Pro Quo and keeping to the arrangements you have made, even if sometimes you don't really want to.

you say that as though sometimes petty isn't the way to go.

Fair enough. I just can't equate any of those things; socialising, having clean clothes, shopping etc with playing sport. None of them have the same positive impact as the football so it's madness to me to put anything in the way of the exercise one.

Not washing clothes or taking a teen to a purely social thing they fancy sure. Not in the same category.

Mutual respect is what I have with my kids. No need to resort to pettiness.

Your husband sounds horrible.
I think you need to do more for yourself and less for them both.

I agree with your actions! You sound like you were upset, frustrated and at the end of your tether!

In the future, if you don't fancy the football matches & games, don't go! It works both ways, i'm sure you have your own important things to do....meeting friends visiting your parents etc! Don't jump to their tune! xx

You do have to model the behaviour you want. I agree with others that you should have communicated. You’ve modelled that it’s okay to leave the house saying nothing and disappear for the day.

Your DP could have spent the day making sure your DS did his homework if he was that bothered. Though I think DS should be responsible for that and deal with the consequences himself.

They do sound like a couple of misery guts though! I can understand why you just thought fuck it and left them to it.

Everyone was unreasonable!