Family drama

[Freddobar]

So today was meant to be a family day out into the city for some Christmas shopping, food and enjoy the Christmas lights. Date has been marked on the calendar for a month. Yesterday teen(13) got into a huff over school work he left till the last minute and Christmas exams starting next week.
So I got up early this morning as planned, woke teen and dh then went and made tea/breakfast. Teen got up with a face on him, moaning I woke him, didn't want what was made for breakfast(sausages, toast). Dh said nothing just ate his breakfast in silence. So I went got ready and walked out of the house, said nothing just left.
Went off shopping by myself, had a pretty shit day so went into my parents on the way home. Stayed for a couple of hours got a takeaway with them then went home. Got home around 8.30.
Had argument with dh as he told me I ruined the day out by storming out and sulking. That I should be prioritising teens schoolwork not waltzing around shops. (This attitude does not apply to football training or matches only when I want to do something) Not once today did I receive a phone call or text to see if I was alright or where I was.
Teen has form for kicking off when he doesn't want to do something and I end up giving in and not going/doing things. Unless it's football related he just doesn't care about anything else.
WIBU to just go on day out as planned even if I went alone? Awful atmosphere in the house now. Last time we did anything together as a family was last Christmas and that was going to nandos after a football match.

Yes I get what your saying but I draw the line at family events I think he should be going to them. He is an only child so he needs to have a relationship with his cousins and extended family.
I never said my DS was here to entertain me.

Honestly, I don’t blame you. I think I might of done the same. It’s annoying that your DH stayed quiet at breakfast when your DS was complaining.

I don't think you have been unreasonable to carry on with the day. I think your DH was a bit of a dick to say you need to prioritise school work. Even with real exams DC should have some down time to help manage the stress.

I'm sorry op, I totally disagree with this take. I'm with your DH and if DC had exams and was not wanting to wander round the shops all day, I think it was really pushy to try to force it. I know it was planned but why not for the NEXT weekend? I can't think of anything worse than being made to do something like that the day before exams. Yes, students need a break but not a whole day doing something they aren't actually that enthused about. It would have done my head in if I were your teen. A movie on the sofa the night before, yeah maybe.

We had family friends with a mum like this.

I remember being at their house the night before their son's GCSE physics (she was hosting) and he looked sick with anxiety but she kept saying "No remember it's FAMILY time tonight." He failed one of his A levels.

When you are studying you need to do what works for you, not your mum.

I dont think you were unreasonable. As mothers we're are always doing things we dont want to for the good of the family. The one time you want to do something, they sulk.

Id be having it out with your husband. Your son is young so has some excuse but how dare your husband try and twist this. You are part of this family too. It cant be all their way, all the time.

YANBU to go shopping alone. YABU to not tell anyone that's what you were doing.

YANBU (x a million) to make teen buy own gifts. YABU to expect him to do that on a "family day out" Christmas shopping and to enjoy it. Just tell him who he needs to buy presents for a leave him to it. At 13 he's more than old enough to go shopping on his own/with friends or to use Amazon.

YANBU to want a family day out. YABU to expect everyone else to happily go along with a family day out they aren't going to enjoy.

YANBU to be cross that your husband hasn't spent any time going out with you to something you enjoy in over a year, and to act like he's enjoying it YABU to have the same expectation of your 13 year old.

Yeah but her "one time" was the day before his exam week!!! Talk about picking your moment.

You can't cling to the 'younger' him just because he's an only child and you miss the earlier years.

It just doesn't work like that I'm afraid and I say that as the mother of 3 adult sons.

We all love Christmas but we need to be allowed to enjoy it in our own way, which changes as we get older.

Go with friends next time and have a wonderful day.

Honestly, you'll have a much better relationship with your son if you stop forcing him to be your companion.

Excellent post.

All of this, @Freddobar - have a read and have a think.

It’s unacceptable behaviour from your husband and child that they’ve not been out with you at all this year. It shouldn’t be a battle if offering the cinema for instance. Your husband should really at least pretend that your wants matter, only to show his DC that life’s a bit of give and take!

No one in my house but me likes watching ‘plays’ in the theatre. Musicals yes, plays a hard no. But I book a couple a year anyway as I love going. My husband will always say yes to coming as it’ll make me happy or my eldest boy, 17, says yes if Dad really doesn’t fancy it. My DD is my musical partner so I rarely ask her to attend the play. I’d be devastated if they said no after everything I do for them all.

So I get it OP! You need to tell them exactly how they are making you feel. Disappointed that you’re living with two extremely selfish individuals.

However, I do think shopping was a poor choice though for a family day out. 99% of men/boys just don’t like it, the ones kind enough to go usually find a seat in the shop and wait until the female is finished and then have a little-to-huge moan about how long they took. Not enjoyable for the shopper either.

Once you’ve told them how you feel, pick a date with an appropriate activity that you could all enjoy together. Ice Skating is Christmassy 🤷🏼‍♀️

Good luck!

Latest in a long line of disappointments?
Sounds like your family take you very much for granted.

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong with going ahead with the day as planned, on your own. Your son and husband agreed to it but then had faces like slapped arses on the day. Fine, they can stay at home, but they'll need to sort their shopping out another time as you'll just be doing your own.

You should have clearly stated that though, not stormed out silently without communicating.

I agree with the poster that says they are probably taking you for granted. I've experienced that recently. My youngest suddenly wants to see friends all the time and husband either does extra work at the weekend or naps a lot because he's overworked. I felt so bored like Lady Whatsit in Bleak House, so I started doing fun stuff for myself each weekend. Yesterday I went day clubbing with friends. last week I went to a wine tasting night and met up with an old uni friend. Feel so much better and husband and daughter seem to appreciate me more when I am around.

YANBU

It sounds like you left without saying anything because you feel taken for granted and that you feel like nobody in the house does nice things for you even though (I'm guessing) you do a lot for other members of the household.

So, I'd continue to do nice things for yourself. Be a bit less available.

My teen boys and husband would rather pluck their eye balls out than go Christmas shopping. They probably would agree ahead of time if I forced the issue but the moans would be awful on the day

I discovered with teen dc1 that it's so not worth doing forced family outings that they have zero interest in.
We leave them at home or with grandparents then me and dh heqd of to do things I want to do or dh
If I want to spend time with the teens I go along with something they would do like theor fav food out or something

Why was your DH silent?

They should have made an effort to be psrt of your annual family day out. Once a year you do something as a family, so it's not much to expect.

Not contacting you to check if you're ok was a very uncaring.

Oh give over. If he failed his a levels he was obviously doing terribly. The op was quite clear the last time she got to tell her family to go out together was a year ago. Are you seriously online telling an upset woman that if she wants to go Christmas shopping once per year her child is going to fail their a levels? Or are you trying to heavily imply she does this kind of thing all year, even though she has really clearly stated that the last time was a whole year ago well before his subjects had even started? I can read, and I also try not to make up stuff to be randomly horrible about to people online. Is either of those true for you?

You did absolutely the right thing, OP. Show them that the house slave has wishes of her own, and can decide not to put up with their shit!
I love that you had a takeaway with your parents. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

The bottom line is that you, OP, cannot make your husband and your son suck it up and like it.

You probably only wanted them around so there would be someone to carry your bags around for you.

If you want to shopping, go and do it, just don’t expect to drag unwilling family members around with you.

Well you haven't but you have shown him that it's ok to go in the huff, leave the house without a word for hours on end with noone knowing where you are. That's the last thing any young person should be doing.

You owe him and your husband an apology. You need to acknowledge to your son that what you did was definitely not ok and apologise to him for your tantrum.

You also need to take more of an interest in your sons education. Has it ever crossed your mind that he's struggling with his schoolwork and that's why he's putting it off and running behind?

He's at a vulnerable age and having a mother who models very poor behaviour and a lack of interest and concern for others isn't great. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and how badly you've behaved.

No I have not said op's son will fail his A levels at all. (And here I could add one of your little snipey "can't you read"comments). I'm saying it is helpful when homes are supportive and create a supportive environment - and for that family it WAS an ongoing pattern, which did impact.

I'm sorry if you disagree, but she asked if she was unreasonable and in this instance that she has posted, yes, I'm fully with the DH and DS: I think it was an unreasonable ask the day before his exams. If he is 13 this set of exams won't even much matter, (except they might to him) but I think op needs to reassess the reasonableness of that sort of timing going forward, because she seemed not to even when the DH pointed it out.

Sorry I don't agree with you, but I don't. I would have hated to have to be dragged round the shops the day before exams.

His exams don't start till next Monday. We sat down a month ago and discussed a day out and when it would happen. We all agreed this weekend as next weekend was right before his exams and he had no football on this weekend. So it was the only date he wanted to do anything.

Ok well that is a bit different. In your op you said:

Yesterday teen(13) got into a huff over school work he left till the last minute and Christmas exams starting next week.

Given you wrote that before this morning/ start of this school week, I think that does suggest the exams were starting today, which I thought was outrageous timing for a shopping trip - and I hope you agree.

In that case, and given the notice he had, I don't think that is as bad - but don't now make him go on Sunday!!