Family drama

[Freddobar]

So today was meant to be a family day out into the city for some Christmas shopping, food and enjoy the Christmas lights. Date has been marked on the calendar for a month. Yesterday teen(13) got into a huff over school work he left till the last minute and Christmas exams starting next week.
So I got up early this morning as planned, woke teen and dh then went and made tea/breakfast. Teen got up with a face on him, moaning I woke him, didn't want what was made for breakfast(sausages, toast). Dh said nothing just ate his breakfast in silence. So I went got ready and walked out of the house, said nothing just left.
Went off shopping by myself, had a pretty shit day so went into my parents on the way home. Stayed for a couple of hours got a takeaway with them then went home. Got home around 8.30.
Had argument with dh as he told me I ruined the day out by storming out and sulking. That I should be prioritising teens schoolwork not waltzing around shops. (This attitude does not apply to football training or matches only when I want to do something) Not once today did I receive a phone call or text to see if I was alright or where I was.
Teen has form for kicking off when he doesn't want to do something and I end up giving in and not going/doing things. Unless it's football related he just doesn't care about anything else.
WIBU to just go on day out as planned even if I went alone? Awful atmosphere in the house now. Last time we did anything together as a family was last Christmas and that was going to nandos after a football match.

I think you’ve had some very harsh answers, and some that go very much against the MN grain, eg the wife/mother not become the default shopper for all family occasions, which seems to have gone by the wayside in order to get in a little dig at you.
Or it may be that a lot of the shopping is unnecessary and even if it is can be done more quickly and easily online. It's the trying to frame shopping as a lovely fun family day out that's somewhat naive. Even if I had DC that were old enough to be expected to buy presents themselves I wouldn't expect them to enjoy the activity just because I've decided it's fun.

We are thinking about going in to the nearest city for the afternoon next Sunday where there's a fair and as well as a bit of shopping DC can get some treats and go on a ride and have dinner out. But if we get close to it and they still hate the idea we just won't go. Shopping isn't compulsory and if they're going to hate it and be miserable what's the point?

You didn’t do that. You demonstrated how to huff and flounce by your actions and the end result of his sulking was he got the woman of the house to do the shopping on her own.

If you don’t want to go to football just state that and don’t go to football. Families don’t have to share and involve themselves in every passion or interest of the others.

Well if I don't bring DS to football he doesn't get to go. Dh works nights every 2nd month and obviously DS doesn't drive so he has no way of getting there

So I got up early this morning as planned, woke teen and dh then went and made tea/breakfast. Teen got up with a face on him, moaning I woke him, didn't want what was made for breakfast(sausages, toast). Dh said nothing just ate his breakfast in silence. So I went got ready and walked out of the house, said nothing just left.

I don't understand... Why did you walk out of the house without saying anything?! You say your DH was eating his breakfast in silence... Did you speak to him?! I'm just a bit confused as to how this escalated from everyone eating breakfast to you storming out without a word in-between?!

Not once today did I receive a phone call or text to see if I was alright or where I was.

Why would you?

It wasn't just about spending the day shopping which wouldn't have happened. It's about spending time together and when you have agreed to do something following through with your plans so you don't keep letting the same person down constantly.
When we get there we would have gone for coffee/hot chocolate. Had a look in a couple of shops then split up for an hour dh & DS go off together for. Then meet up and swap then go for lunch/drink . Then do something together DS loves books so would have gone into the city library and wait for it to get dark for the lights and go for dinner.

I didn't flounce or huff out of the house. I got ready and left.
If I said that they didn't want to go so I didn't go people would be letting me I should have gone anyway and left them.to.fend for themselves.
You just can't win on MN🤷🏻‍♀️

I didn't flounce or huff out of the house. I got ready and left.

But was there actually any conversation at all prior to this?! Because my DH often eats breakfast in silence (he isn't a morning person!) but I wouldn't just storm out of the house because of it....?

Indeed. Regardless of whether a plan had already been agreed or not I would classify leaving without saying anything as a flounce.

Don’t take him to football. Why are you breaking your back for these ungrateful people?

My kids learnt a long time ago that this is a two way street and if they don’t pull their weight neither will I.

Don’t feel guilty for cracking on with your plans, in fact I encourage you to do this more often!

I don't blame you OP. Its not nice being taken for granted, when you do so much for the family unit, and they can't be arsed to do anything in return.

I dont think storming off in a huff sets a fantastic example to your son.

100% get that you are annoyed he didnt do the homework. But lets by honest he's a 13 year old lad, of course he doesnt want to do home and just wants to play football, and in the kindest way, a day out shopping with his mum isnt fun family time for a 13 year old boy.

Well yes I tried as he sat there munching away. He walked in mid conversation with DS stating he needed to finish his project(which in hindsight was finished) and me replying you have had 4 weeks to do it why wait till last minute DS replied yeah well I don't want sausages for breakfast so I told him to make himself something while I go get ready to go out. As I'm walking out of the kitchen DS starts muttering under his breath but loud enough to heard about how he didn't want to go out. Then me saying I'm sick of pandering to everyone in this house I ask for 1 day which you agreed to. Everytime we try to do something you always kick off and we end up doing nothing and you sit on screens most of the day.
Then I went got showered and decided I'm still going.
Not once in any of that did dh said just eat your breakfast we are going out

But he did do the homework he was just using it as an excuse saying he had to finish it

I have teens and often do the “I’m going to do xyz and anyone is welcome to join me” or “we are doing xyz at these times so please plan around that” for non negotiables.

in you’re situation, I would have said to dh that I’m not putting up with everyone in a mood so I’ll be going in 30 minutes and if you want to come and spend time with me then great but there’s no obligation. I’m going either way. - walking out without giving her a chance was a poor choice imo. But, it is sometimes the straw that broke the camel’s back. I snapped at dh this morning for not sorting something he promised he would (back in August). Not sure why but the fact it’s still not sorted and required me to prompt him really annoyed me today.

Sorry but yes you are unreasonable. If you want family time together it needs to be something you all want to do which it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here.
The going off in a huff is poor role modelling but I’m sure you know that. I personally would apologise just because I’d expect a apology from my teen in that scenario.
Buying his own gifts did you mean dh or DS? Ds id expect him to be involved in gifts for parents but that could be a conversation rather than shopping trip at this age. Your dh should be buy yours and his families/friemds gifts

I don't think the problem is the sulky teen - that's just standard teen behaviour. The problem is that you and your husband don't seem to like each other. And that's bigger than shopping and Christmas lights.

Have you read the OP's posts? Please show me where she says her husband treats her like a housekeeper and maid. Did you miss where she said her husband does his own Christmas shopping?

I am fully on board with the OP encouraging her son to do his own Christmas shopping. I don't understand why he couldn't do it online though. Much less hassle and while I understand why the idea of a leisurely look around the shops, stopping for coffee etc, would appeal to the OP, I get why it might be less attractive to a teenage boy.

I think this weekend was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I don’t blame you for going out anyway.
Your son is 13, so I can kind of understand him being stroppy and selfish like lots of teens are but your DH should have backed you up, told your son to get some breakfast and to get ready because you’re all going out as planned.
I’m getting the clear feeling that you’re giving and giving and giving and yet you’re getting nothing back from either them. That’s not ok.
I think you need to have a family meeting and voice how you’re feeling.

This. I don't understand how it is that they don't seem to have talked to each other at all that morning. Did neither one say hey are we still going shopping? I just can't understand how all this happened.

Apologies if I'm misunderstood but are you saying that your son had in fact done his homework and there was nothing for him to complete? He just said he hadn't done it to avoid going shopping?

Don't sweat it, OP. You have shown your DS that he doesn't get to ruin your day because he is a teen with all that not wanting to do anything BS.

Your DH and he were fine gaming, and you had time to yourself and with your parents.

When is DS next football that he needs a lift for? get up on the day and say "oh no i don't feel like driving today, you'll have to miss it or walk" and see what he says?

Honestly? Fuck that! Why should YOU prioritize your kid’s homework? Why doesn’t HE? Does he do the football schlepping? He has handballed all responsibility to you. Pretty sure he’s half of the gene pool there.

I don't think shopping and football are a fair comparison and it's completely unfair to make it a tit for tat situation.

Playing sport and exercising are good for you and always to be encouraged. A family day out which might have some treats but is primarily shopping based isn't the same thing. It's annoying he couldn't be bothered coming but punishing him by making it hard or impossible to get to something that is good for him to do isn't a reasonable or logical response.

I think you did the right thing, and they might think twice about their responsibilities and contributions to planning events in the future. 👏👏👏

OK, you’re feeling frustrated by your DH and son not appreciating you or wanting to spend time doing things you want to do, because they’re inherently selfish fuckers - DH especially! That’s understandable.

However, You are also part of the problem here because your communication skills are very poor!

You’re being very passive agressive by running off without saying a word and playing the martyr every time you do something for them that you don’t want to do without communicating your frustration.

My mum used to do this and after a lifetime of acting this way, I can confirm that it’s not an effective solution as nothing will ever change and everyone is left feeling frustrated.

You need to decide what you want to happen and then to communicate your needs clearly to your family. Have a family discussion when everyone is calm and relaxed and agree new family rules starting in 2026.

You need to decide what you want DH and DS to do for you in return for you attending football training, supervising homework or whatever else. Don’t expect them to guess what you want (no-one wins that game!), but tell them clearly what you’d like them to do for you in return.

It sounds like the underlying issue is that you really want to spend time together as a family. I think you said you haven’t done anything together as a family all year. That’s a really long time and I’m not surprised you’re feeling under appreciated and out of sorts.

I understand why you did it but I don’t think going out for so long by yourself was a good idea. It didn’t deal with any of the issues that would have made you feel better and it also isn’t a good way to resolve a problem. I’d hate it if my husband stormed out and stayed away all day. If we argue we usually talk it through and get a resolution so we can move on with the day.

Do you feel you could talk to your husband about how you feel and that he would at least try to listen and understand?