Family drama

[Freddobar]

So today was meant to be a family day out into the city for some Christmas shopping, food and enjoy the Christmas lights. Date has been marked on the calendar for a month. Yesterday teen(13) got into a huff over school work he left till the last minute and Christmas exams starting next week.
So I got up early this morning as planned, woke teen and dh then went and made tea/breakfast. Teen got up with a face on him, moaning I woke him, didn't want what was made for breakfast(sausages, toast). Dh said nothing just ate his breakfast in silence. So I went got ready and walked out of the house, said nothing just left.
Went off shopping by myself, had a pretty shit day so went into my parents on the way home. Stayed for a couple of hours got a takeaway with them then went home. Got home around 8.30.
Had argument with dh as he told me I ruined the day out by storming out and sulking. That I should be prioritising teens schoolwork not waltzing around shops. (This attitude does not apply to football training or matches only when I want to do something) Not once today did I receive a phone call or text to see if I was alright or where I was.
Teen has form for kicking off when he doesn't want to do something and I end up giving in and not going/doing things. Unless it's football related he just doesn't care about anything else.
WIBU to just go on day out as planned even if I went alone? Awful atmosphere in the house now. Last time we did anything together as a family was last Christmas and that was going to nandos after a football match.

I don't know. It seems to me that everybody lives thier life around thier kids. You should have a life too. Not just being someone's mum or wife.
Your son is a little selfish boy who told you lies about his homework and then gets the hump with you because he hasn't done it. Tell your DH that until your son sorts himself out he can't do gaming and do football. Stop spoiling him and sod your husband too.

Shopping isn't generally a fun family day out. I don't think you can compare it to a theatre trip or anything else like that. Nor to playing a sport which is good for him and involves commitment to another team.

Yes they should both have not gone stroppy about it and discussed it better but I can't see shopping ever being reasonable to prioritise over schoolwork. And it was unreasonable just to leave and not say where you were going.

I wouldn't have sent you a text either if you'd done that to me. I'd leave you to calm down and come home when you'd had enough protest.

I think sometimes you’ve just had enough and it sounds like you reached that point. I’d be having a strong conversation with your husband about your need for support and a life outside of organising everyone’s life for them. At 13 your son needs to learn he can’t have it all his own way, I’m assuming these are his first formal exams which is a learning all of its own - having a study plan, being organised etc so it’s not that surprising he doesn’t feel ready. If football and gaming mean he’s not prioritising his work, and then expects you to accommodate that, I’d be putting limits on both.

By contrast my 12 year old DS has organised a day for us to do Christmas shopping and has a schedule for homework. He knows there are things that just need done.

I’ve had two teenage boys. At 13 neither of them would have been keen to go shopping with me. My friends with daughters… maybe. I think you’re trying to cling on to a time that is fading away. It’s a difficult transition, especially if he is an only, and counterproductive to force it IMO. Mine played football too every weekend but luckily I loved watching.
I’d have gone with DH for a few hours and left him home. It won’t improve as he gets older.

Yes I said next week not this week.
Next week to me is the following Monday to the Sunday.(Next Monday the 15th)
This week would be the Monday after Sunday (today Monday the 8th).

I wouldn't organise stuff in the lead up to exams, he has already been told he won't be going training next week(the week the exams are on). He needs to study.

I tend to think of this week as the one I am in, unless I say "this Monday" (once the Monday of the week I am in has passed) or "this coming week."

But anyway, I see there is room for different interpretation there and believe you! I don't think you have backtracked on it!

I also don't think that is at all like the weekend immediately preceding. Hope his exams go well and you at least got some shopping done!

Can I ask does your husband do this stuff? Does he take responsibility for organising and picking out family gifts for Christmas or Birthdays?
If not, then your son is learning from what he sees. It’s no good trying to convince him to do this stuff if your husband doesn’t bother.

I feel for you OP. It is always disappointing when planned family events don’t work out.

We have had many nice days out shopping at Christmas when our kids were teens. It is not impossible for a 13-year-old to enjoy family time like this.

The only thing I would say, is that by storming out you probably lost the moral high ground. They now have ammunition to say that you did something wrong. I completely understand why you did it, you have had enough. But by walking out they might see you as the ‘villain’ in all this. Which makes me irritated on your behalf.

I would firmly tell them how upset and disappointed you were. How much you do for the rest of them and how little this was to ask of them. They either need to buck up or you do less. In fact, I think you need to do less for them in any case. Ungrateful sods.

This morning I agree I should have said bye I'm off but I didn't. I was upset and after spending time in the shower crying again because of them I thought "fuck them" I'm going anyway they don't notice when I'm here they won't won't notice when I'm not.
I'm not in the wrong to expect them to do things with me and that includes a 13yr old.
I've no problem going to his football, he trains twice a week and match on Saturday then we also have season tickets to a football team which means every 2 nd weekend is a home match and the odd away match once a month so that's a lot of football..
At 13 he is too young to be left home alone while myself and dh go into the city for the day as the nearest big city is 1 hour 30 away hence why we as a family planned a day.
Dh looked at his school project and it was finished like he said last weekend so spent most of the day gaming and watching football.
They ordered in dominos around 3(thanks ring doorbell) so they weren't concerned about waiting for me to get food.
Yes maybe my expectations are a bit high to want 13 yr old to want to do a day out but I think once a yr he can suck it up and go. If he went he wouldn't have said no to new trainers or tracksuit

There was no need to stomp off and ruin the day. Had you given your child time to wake up and get sorted the whole thing could have been avoided. Nothing worse than forced fun.

Yes he does because I didn't take it over from the start. He works nights so his shopping is mainly done online but he went out 2 weeks ago before starting back on nights to do it.

He was up 2 hours before I left. From the minute he got up he was moaning.
I woke them at 8 and I left at 10.30

I don’t blame you. They spoiled your day, not the other way round

I think you did the right thing. As you say they'd don't notice when you are there so why would they notice when you're not? They both sound like selfish arses to be fair.
I'd start going out one day every other weekend if son misses football tough shit.
They both need to learn to be considerate.

My 13 year old ds came to the shops with me after school one day last week. Like you I wanted to him to choose some presents for his aunt and uncle. I want him to know it's also about giving at Christmas and not just receiving. It sounds to me like your son and husband take you for granted. You go to the football, they need to do something you'd like to do. I'd be having a conversation with them when you're all feeling a bit calmer. I also have an 11 year old ds who refused to come. He was quite disappointed when we got home and his brother had had chocolate bought for him and we didn't go to mcdonalds and bring him one back (I said we could stop off on the way home before we left). I explained if you're not willing to put in the effort for others you don't get the treats. Like your son he stayed home to game.

For a lot of people shopping is a torturous day out. If you want to have a fun family day you have to find something everyone enjoys. I personally hate shopping.

So was op supposed to do everyone's christmas shopping? I thought we were trying to teach boys how to behave properly if they want a decent adult relationship.

It's your DH here that sounds like he's just as grumpy and unwilling to do things as your DS. He ate breakfast and didn't speak to you at all? That is rude!!

I'd expect your DH to model decent communication and to be equally involved in ensuring your DS was up and ready to leave on time.

It's fairly understandable from your 13 year old to not prioritise a family day out, but your DH is clearly quite crap.

Not saying that but I think trying to pretend it’s fun for everyone doesn’t work either. You can tell him he has to go to the shops to do some Xmas shopping but accept that it’s a chore. It’s a chore for me so I shop online as much as possible or go early and get it done quick. I have a teen daughter who hates shopping so if it has to be done we treat ourselves afterwards with a nice hot chocolate or something else she likes. I just think expecting a teen boy to be excited about shopping is setting yourself up for disappointment.
My husband does all his own Christmas shopping and would never expect me to do it. I don’t know if his Mum taught him this or if he worked it out for himself? Not sure it’s the great feminist lesson we need to teach all our sons 😆 My husband actually really likes shopping but I hate it!

Did your husband really not speak to you AT ALL even though he knew the plan? I don't understand, the two of you just didn't speak?

I don't have teenagers yet but is a thirteen year old too young to be left alone for the day? I would have thought he could be trusted to make himself a sandwich and not set anything on fire.

I don't understand why you spend so much time at football when you hate it. Fair enough going to support your son at his matches and take him to training but let your husband take him to the rest.

I think you were unreasonable and childish to storm off without telling anyone and then to seek to prolong your absence seemingly out of spite. I also understand that your son is unlikely to enjoy a shopping trip and you would be better off letting him order gifts online.

The bigger issue seems to be that you feel they don't spend enough time doing things with you and that is what you need to look at.

Your son is acting like a typical teenagers. Going Xmas shopping with mum and dad is a chore and theybdont yet got the notion that you are supposed to do things you really don't want to for those you love. It will pass. I had the same with my son. He is now 22 and he is the one to contact me to suggest doing things together like a walk and he asked me to go on a short break for a history tour. I'm laughing now how I could never imagine anything like this when he was 16.

I don't get why you got so angry with tour husband though.

Shopping is not interesting for a teenage boy unless there's something in it for them. It's how they're hard wired!
You were being unreasonable to storm off and sulk, no wonder there's an atmosphere in the house. Model good behaviour not poor behaviour.

Yes, I think YABU in the way you stormed off and made everyone feel guilty.
Op actually wrote that she walked out of the house and said nothing.

Your son needs to learn that sometimes we have to do things for others, even if it’s something we don’t necessarily enjoy. Like standing in the freezing cold or wet weather watching kids football games!

I think you’ve had some very harsh answers, and some that go very much against the MN grain, eg the wife/mother not become the default shopper for all family occasions, which seems to have gone by the wayside in order to get in a little dig at you.

I don’t think you were asking a lot of your husband and son, so understand why you were so upset.

Hope your takeaway was delicious!

Go, sister!

I haven't read the entire thread, but I can fully understand why you did what you did.

A husband who appears to treat you like the housekeeper and maid. A boy being raised with the same expectations. Prioritising their hobby over family time you'll all three enjoy. I can fully understand why the silent breakfast pushed you over the edge. "Taken for granted" doesn't even begin to cover it.

You've found the will to challenge the status quo now. I hope you follow through. At the very least, don't buy any presents on their behalf, and tell your miserable OH that it's on him from now on to shop for his side of the family.